Friday, 31 December 2010

Let This New Year Be What I Need To Change For The Better, Let Us Succed.

Ladies, put on your heels. Gentle Men, grab your smart shirts. Every one, pick up your bottles of vodka.
Its time to take on the new year.
I'm in a far better mood today because its time for a fresh start. It also helps that Skei called this morning after I called his house yesterday afternoon. And that the scales have decided to take pity on me, this last day of 2010 by telling my I'm 145.2.
My cuts stung in the shower this morning but heyo, 2011 is gonna be the year we all need!
Along with this post come my New Year Resolutions.
-Get down to 9 stone (126 lbs)
-(If I'm not happy or careless) Act happy and careless
-Exercise more often (5 days a week is good)
-Do well in my GCSEs and get into College
-Look fabulous all the time! XD
-Make more friends
-Go out more
-Help suicidal/depressed young people :)
What are your resolutions this year??
Right well I might start getting ready for this party I'm going to! I have a lot of primping needed. I hope you all have a FANTASTICAL New Year! I wish you all the best in 2011. I do indeed love you all dearly, and love you more if you're a frequent commenter ;)
I hope you all get drunk and stupid tonight!
I will be ;D
'I Can Die From The Dancing' - 3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything

Thursday, 30 December 2010


Stupid Over Thinking Brain.
Stupid stupid stupid irrational thoughts. Irrational but possible.
Skei hasn't been in contact with me in a week. I keep thinking of why, what could have happened, where could he be?
Maybe he's avoiding me, maybe he decided to stay at his Mum's place, maybe he's not allowed on the phone/computer, maybe he's cheated on me, maybe he over dosed on drugs, maybe hes in hospital, maybe he's dead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's going else where for New Year, maybe he's realised I'm not good enough, maybe he met someone better than me, maybe he's gone back to his old ways of drug dealing, maybe he's run away, maybe he doesn't have credit on his new phone, maybe he didn't even get a phone, maybe he got into a car accident on the way home, maybe he's been banned from seeing me, maybe he's been grounded, maybe he's fallen in love with someone else, maybe he couldn't handle me anymore, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
I hate this thought process issue. It snowballs, gets bigger and bigger, then turns to self loathing thoughts, then it turns to irrational ideas, then turns to what I would do if any of these where true... I dont want any of them to be true. He'd promised me we would spend this New Year together. If we dont then I cant forgive him. I told him a few months ago, if he hurts me again thats it. He said the same back to me. Obviously I understand that. We're both tired of being hurt. Now he cant seem to even understand why I do the things I do. The week we've been apart made me feel things again, and I was hoping to express them before or at the New Years party. But it doesn't seem like he even wants to ask how my Christmas was because he cant even leave a facebook message asking. I know he's been online when I haven't because KT has been speaking to him. Apparently all he's been doing up at his Mum's is get high. No wonder why I've started cutting again. I'm so fucking anxious. I'm going through pot after pot of black coffee, so much that its starting to make me ill. I feel like I'm going insane! I hate being anxious like this!
I cried myself to sleep last night, because I dont know what he's been doing! I dont want to know exactly everything he's done, I just wanna know why he hasn't bothered to contact me after that one phone call. How his Christmas was. What did he get? Did he have a good time with his Mum? I just want to ask him if he's been happy...
I've promised myself that I was going to hide all my problems from him again, because he said I've changed. I dont think I've changed. I've always been depressed. I just hid it well from everyone until I finally let someone in. I let him in, I let him know how I'm suffering and I listened to how he was suffering as well. I'm going to hide my cuts and scars, I'm not going to talk about my Eating Disorder, I'm not going to let myself cry around him anymore. Let him see how my mask can cover everything, remind him of my mask. The fact that it only dropped because I trusted him and thought he would accept it... He did, but I think he doesn't get to see the happy me as often as my friends do... I cant help it... I'm too twisted.
I wish I had drugs to knock some 'happiness' into me.
I feel like I'm disappearing into my previous depression, I knew I needed that counsellor. A month is too long to be with out one.
I hope he comes and stops me from loosing my head.
I dont want to feel this right now. Its the final moments of 2010. I dont want to start 2011 on a low. A drunken low. A completely wasted low.
'Where did you go when the Sun Rose' - 3OH!3 - Streets Of Gold

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Loosing My Head, Feeling It Deep, One More Time, Please Dont Weep...

I'm sorry about my major freak out yesterday.
It was kinda stupid but I'm sure you all know how it feels to work so hard to loose something just to gain it back in a matter of hours.
Thank you to BelleRina and Sarah, you're comments have calmed me for this evening and helped me put down the very odd pasta dinner I've been given.
Again. I'm somewhere above 147lbs. I don't want to know, out of honesty. Tomorrow I shall fast, and also on New Years Eve to prevent gross puking issues.
I have decided 2011 is a new year. I will have the strength to loose until I am at least 9 stone (126lbs) over 2011. I will stay strong. I will change myself for perfection. I want my final days at my school to be filled with 126 pounds of fat rather than 147. I want people to remember me as thin, and if there's ever a reunion in a few years, I want to be skinnier than any of them could hope to be.
I've developed a fancy for being 7 and a half stone. Its strange, I'm no where near my UGW but I've already ideally lowered it. 105 sounds so fantastic right now. I guess I want someone to care enough to tell me to eat... right now it doesn't feel like there's anyone in my real life who would say that and mean it. Honestly, I hope I reach 18 before I reach 105, because then, no one can do a thing to stop me.
I've taken up cutting again. Last night I got desperate withdrawal symptoms set off by my lard arse scare. I've stolen a knife from the kitchen. Knives are shit cutting tools, I much prefer razors. But right not its all I have. I've come to the conclusion of not telling Skei for once about this stuff. I give up telling him. He doesn't understand. He says I cant have an ED because I'm not diagnosed with it. To be honest, I'm sure a lot of the bloggers in this little ED orientated section of the blogiverse haven't been diagnosed. And he doesn't see any need for me to cut. Why tell him anything anymore? I feel like smacking my head a few times on a hard brick wall.
I'm going to change in the New Year. I'm going to try and be a better, happier and somewhat more independent girlfriend. I'm not going to complain about being fat as often as I do, he doesn't see it so why bother. I'm not going to be such a bitch to Skei either, I know I'm a bitch to him and I know he doesn't deserve it. I'm going to loose weight. 24 pounds to be exact. I'm going to go out more, concerts and things of the sort. I'm going to exercise more often. I'm going to do well in my GCSEs and in my college interviews. I'm going to look fabulous every time I leave the house, even if its just for something like grocery shopping with my mum. I'm going to make more friends, attract more guys, be a more interesting person to be around. Most of all. I'm going to stay faithful to Skei. After that stupid drunken accident Skei thinks I'm going to cheat again. I wont. I'm sure of it. I need to change, and 2011 is going to be that year!
I'm also going to put some effort into helping depressed a suicidal people my age. I've convinced quite a few people not to commit suicide, so I think I'll put my persuading techniques to good use.
And seriously, if you've got a problem like depression, feel free to email me. I'm happy to help because I know how it feels and I hate knowing that there are people who're feeling the same but aren't talking to people about it. Sometimes its easier to speak to someone online about it because they can hear your situation from a completely different perspective.
Anyway. I hope you're all well.
I thank you for being there for me Sarah and BelleRina.
And Wish me luck for changing this coming year.
I send you my love :)
'I Can Be One Of Those Models Shoving Coke Up Their Noses'-3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Let Me Dissapear In A Puff Of Smoke, Let Me Die Of Fattness

I lost weight after Christmas.
Then I gain 2lbs OVER NIGHT!
Thats it. I'm fasting and exercising to within an inch of my life!!
Weight: 146.8 (when I first weighed myself it said '146.6' so I got fatter in about 5 minutes.)
Waist(at belly button): 35
Waist(smallest part): 31
HipBones: 37
Hips/Arse: 37.75
ForeArm: 8
UpperArm: 10.5
Elbow: 9.5
Wrist: 6
Thigh: 19 (MY LEGS GOT FATTER!!)
Knee: 13.5
Calf: 13.5
Ankle: 9
I'm off to exercise.
And not eat.
I'm never eating again.

Let Me Melt Away Into The Pretty Girl I Know I Can Be..

I dont feel like I'm here...
I have no idea what it is... I just dont feel with it.
I'm scared to step on the scale... I ate 2 bowels of Bran flakes at midnight, One I spilt everywhere (serves me right). It lead me to work out a lot this morning. But I still feel fat. I feel like I've destroyed my chance of getting to 140 in a few days. I know I might be over reacting, it was 2 bowels of cereal. But I just dont know what to expect from my body! It never works the way it should.
I'm getting cutting withdrawal. I need to cut myself, I dont know why I just have to! But theres nothing I can use... knifes are useless. So are scissors. I want to bury myself under my duvet and be alone forever. I dont know what I'll do if I've gained. I was so proud of myself, nearly passed my lowest weight. Now it could all be completely ruined.
I've measured myself briefly. I may be lighter, but I'm certainly not thinner. Nothing has changed. In a moment, I promise I will measure properly. I... will.. weigh myself. I have to know if I've ruined my dream. I may exercise some more... I'll see if I'm in the mood.
(shit I left my soup on the stove...)
I'll post again later.
*crosses fingers*
'It Feels Like I'm Going Crazy'

Monday, 27 December 2010

It Takes So Much More Than Just Wishing To Make Dreams Come To Life..

My Body is being queer.
It decided to loose weight..
Not that I'm complaining! Its just... WTF!
144.6lbs and hopefully counting DOWN.
I sooo want that trip to Paris! I've never been to Paris before! I'm not even 5lbs away from being allowed to go! AHH!!!
I spoke to my Mum about a weekend trip to Paris a little while ago and she even said I could take a friend! :o
I love my Mum sometimes.
I'm back to fasting for the remainder of the holiday. Oh. A week! But hopefully I'll be at 140lbs by New Years Eve (As I have said many times!) or I might just have to start cutting the fat off piece by piece. I don't know what I would do in Paris! I know the Eiffel Tower is a definite. Climbing to the top, a mission, but I will do it. Any one know of where to go and what to do? I'm going shopping for sure! Ahh! Shopping in Paris! My life might just be mildly complete right there. Nah, kidding. I have higher aspirations than just that, but at least I can cross something off my to do list.
I've also developed a strange passion for Ke$ha and her shit lyrics. I say shit because they have no depth to them, probably why I like them right now!
I'll be spending the day in my room. Writing one of my books.. Maybe dancing like a mad woman (because, that's what I do when I'm alone and bored..)
I hope you're Christmas' were bearable!
I know mine left me wanting to smack my head against hard objects...
But Yes, I love you.
I haven't said that in a while! XD
'Our Bodies Going Numb' - Ke$ha - We R Who We R

Sunday, 26 December 2010

If I Curl Up Small Enough, They'll Never Remember I'm Here..

What a drastic change from nearly loving Christmas.
I hate Christmas with a passion. I am so glad this is my last Christmas with my family. I hate it.
Christmas is a pointless holiday. Its where you open shitty presents from people you barley know, eat until you cant move, gain like a bitch and get drunk enough to fall off the sofa.
This year, I've ended up sitting by my bed, posting angrily, with some form of Dance music blaring from my new Ipod doc. So many things haven't gone right today. And before you ask. Yes. I am going to tell you.
Shit #1. My mum bought the wrong £50 high tops. I mean that doesn't annoy me, if anything I feel sorry because my mum spent loads on shoes I dont even want.
Shit #2. On MY home made place mat, someone had spilt curry on it. For fucks sake! It was only mine! No one gives a shit, obviously!
Shit #3. I scoffed so many waffle-ish biscuits and Belgian chocolates that I'm seriously considering taking MORE laxatives.
Shit #4. I've been to the bath room about 20 times today thanks to my laxative abuse last night.
Shit #5. My Grandfather is an arse hole. All he does is moan, hold everything up and then tell everyone how to play Poker WRONG!
Shit #6. I've had more alcohol than I originally had planned. Only a glass or two more, but I am SO gonna work hard to get this FAT OFF ME!
Shit #7. I'm fat.
Shit #8. I punched a wall. Twice.
Shit #9. I want to die. Just because Christmas is so utterly pointless and supposed to be full of jolly people, but mine always contains my utterly cunt-ish family.
Shit #10. I havent heard from Skei in about 3 days. To be fair, it is Christmas and he is at his Mum's house. But Still, its Skei. He always finds a reason to talk to me.
Now. I'm going to get changed into my PJs again.
Find some water.
And take about 4 laxatives.
And Dance. Until I cant feel my legs.
'ice cream ice cream we all want ice cream!!' - Pink - Cuz I Can

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A GoodNight!

Who's going to be abusing her laxatives tonight?
I AM!!
*face palm*
Okay, today wasn't so bad! Tina's mum was lovely. So was Tina's daughter. She was bloody funny I must say! Charlie SPOKE! Second time I've met him, he spoke to me in conversation. And LOL my hair is shorter than his! Haha! Well, mine isn't shoulder length anymore, and the back of his is going down his shoulders so... LOL!
I helped Tina and my Dad cook. I actually had a small plate of food, barely covering the surface of my plate when everyone else was PILED on. I didn't even finish it. Then... Fuck me... Came the chocolate gateau. I had a 'small' piece. Meh. It was medium. I ate slowly all day! Whoopeyy!! But. I had some chocolate. Like 10. Buuuut, I'm planning on doing mad dancing for God knows how long after I finish my post.
I got make-up from my Dad and Tina. :/
But, its good quality make-up so I'm not too fussed. I would have preferred perfume, like the last present I received from my Father. I also had some alcohol. Not alot. I tried a bit of everything I was offered.
Half a glass of rose. 2 sips of Sambuka. A mouthful of Bailey's.
Sambuka is foul. Never ever again.
So really. I didn't do too badly. Tomorrow I'll only have soup and a SMALL piece if cake IF I actually want what we have. I will cut it myself this time!
I learnt how to play Poker! I was shit but it was fun, specially after I got Charlie and Kally (Tina's daughter) to join in with me, Tina and Dad. Kally taught us how to play properly, coz apparently Tina's was telling us wrong. Ha. Made my day.
I haven't opened many presents. *sad face*
That will be tomorrow.
I have to wait.
RIGHT NOW I have to dance off this chocolate and alcohol.
I might have a glass of wine tomorrow too.
I'm trying to keep my system clear for New Year.
Heh heh.
I'm soo gonna get trashed.
'Behave little boy, you better sit back down, you better hold your ground' - Papa Roach - Binge

And A Ho Ho Ho, From Our Lovely And Dear Santa...

(Okay, before I do anything, I must explain something. But also LOL at my first picture!)
@Skeleton Strong. I'm really self conscious when it comes to opening presents. To me, its like the moment on my birthday when everyone starts singing 'happy birthday' and every one's looking at me, waiting for a reaction. I don't mind if I know those people well, coz I could just be stupid, but because I've never met some of them its kind of worrying for me. Do you understand me now? XD
Anyway. I got a great Christmas present. Heehee.
I'm 144.8! AHA! :D My lowest weight EVER! I love Christmas sometimes.
But out of all honesty, I did get a really good present from 'Santa'. Its a Naruto box set! XD I'm such a Naru-tard.
Its great how some traditions in my house haven't changed at all. Like the fact 'Santa' always leaves a bog stocking of presents outside my door for me to open when I wake up. Sadly, this is my last forced Christmas at home. Next year, hopefully, I shall be in Australia with Rhii and Craig. If I ever get a job to earn enough for the flight.
Kinda weird. Next year, I'll be living with my Dad, trying to make new friends, attempting to keep my grades good and also trying to have an AMAZING social life. Hm, if only.
But Yes, I'd love it if (whoever reads this post today) You tell me what you got for Christmas! :D I like to know XD
But TARRAAH for now.
I shall post later.
Telling you about my troubling day with my Dad.
Merry Christmas ;)
'There's always somebody out there that loves you. Always.'

Friday, 24 December 2010

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Christmas Isn't Quite Today...

I feel like my picture.
I'm dreading Christmas.
Just the thought of seeing my Dad, having to play nice. Around Tina(My Dad's girlfriend)'s family (Including Charlie, YEY! XD) trying to make sure my skirt isn't too short as to not offend Tina's mum, Focus on eating v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, and as little at possible and also explain to my father when he picks my up that I refuse to open any presents in front of Tina's family. Seeing as, I dont know any of them.
Argh. Frustration. I've been in a pretty pessimistic mood all day, sitting around watching TV feeling knackered. But I tried to get into the Christmas spirit by joining my Gran in making place settings for everyone, and also setting up the table, etc. for Boxing Day.
(I also had a small piece of cake... I dont think its bad coz my body needs to get used to food again anyway... It was VERY SMALL I promise.)
I also smell like Cinnamon incense as I lit one downstairs.
Oh and my Grandfather is pissed. Stupid old twat.
OHOHOH! I ALMOST FORGOT (I dont know how I managed to forget THIS!)
I jumped on (okay, stepped, I'd never get on the scales with enthusiasm...) the scales and saw...
Personally I think I rule right now! ;D
Thats... WOW exactly 3 lbs! :o
I've now come to LOVE fasting! I remember the days when it was SO DAMNED DIFFICULT! HAHA! I'm so proud of myself right now! I'll weigh myself again tomorrow morning before I start getting ready to see my Dad, and I'll post tomorrow. Something more Christmassy, maybe? (I'm trying to figure out how many days loosing 3lbs took me...) FUCK BARLEY 3 DAYS!
Heeheeheee... Thats put me in a good mood for tomorrow. I bet I've gained because the small bit of cake. I'll do my exercises tomorrow too... and more. I think.
Right, back to my Christmas day dread. Mehh. I dont know these people well enough to feel comfortable. Even worse, good-looking 16 year old will be around. I MUST NOT LOOK LIKE A PIG! Or a slut come to think of it. He's basically my unofficial step-brother. I may say this to him if we ever get talking. I'd like another friend. Specially an out of school one XD They're usually the most interesting anyway. Ahh
Apologies. Just had to put that out there. -.-
My family are so difficult. Morons.
I guess I should stop there?
:/ I've run out of interesting things to say...
I'll post tomorrow... but considering I might over sleep and might not get time to post.
Merry Christmas!
'I wish I was someone other than me, Fighting to keep the mirror happy' - Bethany Dillon - Beautiful

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Enter The City Of Perfection, It Will Soon Become My Destination..

I feel so much better after cleaning my room.
I've accomplished so much today! I've cleaned, organised the majority of shit in my room, painted my nails, moisturised (which is obscenely rare) and made my bed! Woohoo!
I even picked out my outfit for Christmas day! I might take a picture for you... If I can be bothered. I'm such a lazy cow.
Tomorrow, I shall be cleaning the spare room (because my mum wants to change the sheets in there but the bed has all the contents of my wardrobe on it) and Having a looooong shower/beautifying day. I will be spending AGES shaving, moisturising, plucking, etc. XD hahaa. I love days like that. Funny thing is, I've got so much time but still haven't even looked at my English essay. LMAO like I'm going to do that any time soon!
I'm going to go play on the Sims (via PlayStation 2, so old school right?) as a well deserved rest.
Ahhh... I do feel so much calmer after my cleaning.
Wow. I should do it more often.
'Tonight I'll Lie Awake, Feeling Empty' - Paramore - Pressure

Let My Paridise Sparkle In Perfect Cleanliness..

I'm feeling terribly exausted.
It was too cold to get a decent night's sleep, so I was up at 9. Its so wrong to be up at 9. But I've spent the majority of this morning trying to warm up and sort out my things. Excluding my head. That is far from being fixed.
I have decided to have a monster clean up because my room is FOUL. I may even to the extent of stripping the bed sheets. I found a stain on them that I don't remember making... that is how manky my room currently is.
Yes. I'm definitely changing the bed sheets. And sweeping the hall outside my room. And organising all my DVDs and CDs that haven't been living in their cases for a good few months. And probably my writing, school work and drawings. Just anything that NEEDS organising. I love this mood really. I get stuff done.
My room is freezing. The damned heater is shit and our central heating thingy is going to run out of gas soon so then we'll be buggered. I'm thinking about talking to my Gran about getting the rest of the electric heaters out to keep us from dying of the cold over night.
Oh, might as well put something ED related in here. I haven't eaten for 1 1/2 days. I am going to make it until Christmas day. Unfortunately I am having a 'nut roast' (whatever that is) instead of soup when I spend Christmas day with my Dad. Urgh. But Boxing Day I will have soup. Nothing else. Then back to fasting. I will keep up my exercises everyday or I believe I will get insanely fat. I already am, but I mean worse than... this.
Right, there was my ramble about cold weather, cleaning and feeling fat.
Whoopey! Cleaning!
'We're hopelessly blissful and blind, to all we are' - Sum 41 - All To Blame

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Bring Me Down, Throw Me Out. I Deserve To Burn...

I'm not even going to tell you what I did.
All you need to know is.
I'm 149.4 again.
I wish I could die right now. Or swallow a load of diet pills. I asked Skei to get me some but the Boots we were in was so feckin' small that they didnt have any. FML.
For the next however long until New Year I will not eat anything. At all. Only water, flavoured water and green tea. And an exercise regemine I MUST do everyday. I will only allow myself soup on Christmas and Boxing Day because I am with the family and they would be suspicious if I refused to eat anything. Hopefully with this extreame diet, I will lose weight even more quickly then I did last week. I so hate myself for giving in. Fuck me.
(If you want to know my exercise (minimum) for each day here it is..)
10 crunches
10 push ups
30 star jumps
20-40 knee lifts
20 toe touches
Plus the exercise program I've got recorded on my Sky+ downstairs, and any other little exercises I feel like I need to do. Probably more cardio will be put in there but this is only a minimum to help shift this God Damned FAT!!
I hate Christmas.
I hate Winter.
I hate me.
'Why'd you have to go and turn to ice' - LIGHTS - Ice

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Crystal Flakes Of Glass Are Falling, Floating, Melting.

The snow is for looking at, not playing in.
I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I hate it because it melts on my feet, soaking my socks and freezing my toes off. Also, its just cold. I love it because it gives me reason to wrap up and wear huge jumpers, and it looks beautiful.
Theres so much snow, its insane. It began to melt around midday though, so it might be gone by tomorrow. I'm hoping to get out of the house. Theres nothing to do when Skei is here. I can think of lots of stuff to entertain me when I'm alone, but with Skei... fuck we have nothing to do and he wants my attention. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ATTENTION WITH OUT MOANING. Really, our relationship revolves around looking pretty together, sleeping and watching Naruto. Thats it in a nutshell. Slightly deeper? He's madly in love with me and I have no idea if I still love him because he's (dare I say it) so needy. Apparently I come off as needy and clingy? OMG I DONT SEE THAT?! I need to sort myself out.
On the plus side. I'm 145.4lbs! Freshly weighed this morning before my shower! Success!! Only 5 and a bit more pounds to lose in... 13 days! I CAN SO DO THAT! I've calculated (In my many bored moments) that I have lost at least a pound a day!! Still haven't technically eaten. Made more soup, had half of if for lunch, the rest for tomorrow. I also had a lot of chocolate milk shake today which kept me full and also tropical juice. Nom! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to burn off some boredom energy and force Skei out of bed and go for a walk. If he doesn't get up then I'm going to do a work out video! I do love sky! (Fitness TV anyone?)
I've been cooking most the day, I helped my Gran make 2 other soups for everyone else and I did a quick sweep of the living room. OMG! I could do some cleaning tomorrow! Perfect ;)
I've also noticed that I dont seem to look any thinner, even though I apparently am. I hate that so much.
I made another blog. ED's Cook Book. Its gonna have my recepies and one I like on there, atm its just got soup! XD Look it up and follow if you're interested!
I may go back down stairs seeing as Skei has fallen asleep (at 20 to 7)... Coz I'm bored.
And I dont like the amount of effort needed to wake him up.
My God its ALOT!
Maybe I'm not old enough for a relationship like this?
Dont start with that malarkey again Kodi!
Skei doesn't like the thought of me being skinny like the thinspo picks I post... He thinks ribs are weird. (How dare he!?) He would just have to deal with it if I ever get that thin.
Well I shall post you all tomorrow a quick update of weight, and maybe I'll measure too? Excite Skei a little when he has to measure my boobs...
'How Can You Love Me When I Am Ugly?' - LIGHTS - cant remember the song...

Friday, 17 December 2010

Dance With Me In The MoonLight Its So Beautifully Intoxicating...

Awaiting the line. Signalling my turn to shine. Shine out in front of plenty of people. Friends and strangers. Here it is...
'In the prison cell with Joseph were two very frightened men'
Stepping out from behind the curtain, we clutched onto each other in false fear... and began to sing. Descending the stage onto the black platforms to join the 11-year-old star. Looking out into the crowd, seeing every one's focus directed on us. Everyone slightly obscured by shadow, whilst I was lit up in dazzling stage lights.
My solo.
Everyone was watching me. I was so interesting. It was like a dream. My heart was thumping against my chest, my stomach began to ease from the knot it had previously twisted into. Adrenalin. Now I remember why I love performing.
They laughed at my comic expressions, clapped and cheered as Act 1 came too a close.
One. Last. Line.
'You and your dream coat are ahead of your time..'
I put all my remaining energy into that final line, singing as loud as I possibly could to be noticed again. The lights went down. The hall was over come with applause! Cheering!
I could not believe that was it. Its all over.
Yesterday evening was the closing night of the Christmas show. It was brilliant. I weighed myself at 147.4lbs. At least now I don't have to buy diet pills for Christmas. I This whole show experience had reminded me of how much I missed being on stage, singing and acting. I did this on absolutely no food. I did drink some soup the previous day but I don't believe that counts. I haven't eaten since Monday. I don't think the 16 mints count as food. They are simply to sustain my energy whilst I worked in the dark room at Diploma.
I feel so good.
I swear I shall not eat until I am lovely! I shall be 10 stone by New Years. (I've lost 3lbs in the past couple of days so as long as I keep my activity up, I'll keep loosing.)
I have faith in myself for once. I believe I can be 10 stone for New Year. Not eating isn't as much of a mission as I thought! I've easily dodged eating chocolate biscuits offered from my teachers, or I've taken them and fed Skei with them. I feel so pleased with myself. I've also convinced my father that I will have soup for Christmas dinner because I am a vegetarian, and I 'only like soup' ;) Hahaha! I don't know why I struggled so hard before to just not eat! I guess I just haven't been busy enough! I love shows, they keep you busy, keep you active. I'm going to try and do more over the 2 weeks holiday. However. I hate winter. With a passion. My toes are always frozen, in turn, making me walk like an utter spazz. But I honestly must go out more. I shall force Skei UP and OUT of my bed and we will have fun outside my house for once. Also, I feel the need for tidying coming on. My room is a state. But I'm also shattered from the lack of sleep and the fact I went to bed at 3 this morning because I was finishing work. I then woke up at 7:10am.
So I'm likely to clear my bed, take some drugs to knock me out, and wait for pleasant sleep to take over me!
Oh, and is it normal to feel nothing? Like at all? The only thing I've felt in weeks was the Adrenalin rush from the show. Now I don't know if its possible for me to feel anything anymore.
Huh, I guess I'll have to ponder that!
'His little whispers love me' - Meg & Dia - Monster

Monday, 13 December 2010

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway

Sunday, 12 December 2010

To Love Is A Difficult Battle You Must Eventualy Win.

Gutentag vom mich!
Ahhhh, the Koln christmas markets were amazing! I love Koln. It advertizes like Japan, has shops like New York, and German people EVERYWHERE! The markets had so many cute things, like ginger bread messages, personalised bracelets, sparkly boxes, embriodered cloths, marballs XD, incense (including cannabis smell), glass figures and SO MUCH FOOD.
The crepes. PHWOARRR. I had 3. And a HUGE waffle. Mmmmm... Gorge. I bought my Gran some different types of nugart, my mum a little candel holder, Manny a red glass dragon, my Great Grandmother an embroidered cloth, my dad an amathyst stone, and an awesome ring (its a dragon!) and quartz necklace to replace the one Skei broke. I got Skei a bracelet with his name on it... its different to what you think. When I give it to him, I'll take a picture of it on his wrist for you guy to see. Its not girly, but Its nice... (Shit, maybe I wont show you coz it has his real name on it, not Skei... Ehh I'll think about it.)
I spent €100.
haha. It was my dads money so its all good.
I'm gonna have to start giving out presents this week, it being the last week and all... ehhh. E. F. F. O. R. T.
Oh I over heared Olii (a guy in my class who has the same birthday as Lii) say that he would fuck me. Cool? But Den, another guy on the trip, said he wouldnt. Tah. -.- Oh well. I dont really care. Even though prior to that moment I said I would go out with him to Stone.
Oh well. I deal with plenty of people who dont want to fuck me daily, one more that is known wont kill me.
Hmm. I'm still resolving my issue in the previous post.
I'm not really watching what I'm eating. I'm too too too stressed. I have work to hand in on Friday. (about a terms worth of class diaries which I havent dont any of) and I'm doing the Christmas shows.
A show to primary kids on Tuesday. Opening night on Wednesday. Closing night on Thursday. I have to buy tickets. :/ Effort.
Mum got me an aplication form for a job in a near by town in a clothing shop. I'm gonna apply. Got nothing to loose, I need some extra dough. And I got letters from the colleges I applied too saying they got my application and they will send anopother letter with details of my interviews.
In. The. Bag.
I'm going to sort out my bed a little, then go to bed now.
(tbh my weight isn't too bad, only 150lbs. only 10lbs to loose in 2 weeks. Not too bad.)
'My life is a circus, and I'm tripping down that tightrope.' - Papa Roach - Thrown Away.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

The Thought Track To The Perfect Girl...

TheFatherOfLies Says:
-very pretty
-cares about what I think
-always up for it ;)
-eyes that can melt my soul
-soft sweet lips
-long hair
Thats a short list of Skei's perfect girl.
I'm not like that. Why does he want me?
-I'm ugly, or at least average
-I'm a lunatic
-I'm a bitch.
-I never want to do it because I'm too fat and ugly.
-My eyes are... meh.
-I have thin lips for a girl.
-I cut my hair short.
WHY DOES HE LIKE ME? And here we go again, Do I like him? God damn the fact I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel if I'm in love. Am I supposed to have butterflies, because I don't have them. I just dont know! I want to be with Skei, because fuck knows how hard I've tried to keep him. I dont deserve anyone to love me... Is it bad that I can see a life with out Skei in it?
How do you guys feel about your love interests?

"I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fuckin' scared of him" 3OH!3 - Dont Trust Me

Monday, 6 December 2010

Wrap Up Warm, It's Getting Cold, Don't Let Me Go, Don't Let Me Fall...

Evening One and All.
I have exams for the next few days, it's fucking freezing, I had a bad day over all, and I have alot of Diploma work to do.
I have today found out the extremely of my bad circulation. Waiting outside the sports hall for my Maths exam this afternoon, I was so effing cold. I had my hands up my sleeves shivering my arse off when Lii pointed out my lips were purple.
My. Lips. Were. PURPLE!
I may talk to my mother about going to the doctor about this circulation issue I have... What do you think? Wouldn't give anything away would it?
I also woke up 5 minutes before I had to leave the house this morning. I managed to get half dressed (well, dressed but with out the extra layers I desire..), half-do make up (green eye liner. That was all) and shove my anthology (a book of poems for my English exam) and phone in my bag. I didn't even brush my hair. I did manage to brush my teeth, even if I didn't have time I would have MADE time.
I've started my fasting again. Yeah I died after last Wednesday. Back at 150 odd lbs. Fuck me, yeah? But I'm determined this time because the snow is completely gone (thanks to cunt-ish rain) and I'm at school all week. I'm also going to Germany on Friday! :o I need to get my clothes and etc ready for then. I WILL NOT EAT.
Now Kodii, repeat after me. I will not eat.
I'll tell you what made my day though.
Lii's mum walks about in exams making sure no one cheats etc. and in the middle of my citizenship exam her phone went off! I was at the back of the hall so I could see her really well, she pulled a face and whispered 'Sorry It's Me!' and me and King just looked at each other and tried not to burst out laughing. All the other invidulators got up thinking it was a student (we're not that stupid, give up some credit!) HA MADE MY DAY.
Um. Yes.
I think that's it again.
I think i might start ending my posts with thinsperational lyrics...
If I can be bothered I will try it!
'She Could Be The Model Type, Skinny With No Appetite'

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Put On Your Army Boots, Lets Take On The World.

Hello All.
First I just wanted to marvel at the fact that... I'm an inspiration?
Thank you @Zette for saying this. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me! Really, made my evening. And I'm so glad that I still have followers who've patiently waited for me over however long it took me to get my head in a better place. It means a lot that you're all glad I'm back!
@BelleRina. Obviously you can do it if you really want to! Don't let one little hiccup get you down (figures, after my 2 days of no food at all I had a MAHUSIVE binge, luckily I only gained about half a pound XD Not sure how that works) I'm going to start my fats again either tomorrow or Saturday, so you can do it too!
@Lilah Lee. I know how you feel! Its horrible, but it seems like you're keeping in good spirits. Trust me you need good enough spirit to get you up in the morning and to carry on. Good luck with you're resolutions :)
(Finally) @Mich. Thank you for the advise, Next time I'll take vitamins (I wasn't taking any at the time) so in my next fast I will take one multi a day.
Now moving on to what I was originally going to write about.
My self worth.
Yeah that might seem depressing but really, I'm just exploring what I believe and what other people have told me! Is it wrong that all I see are faults in myself, faults in my favourite body parts, faults in people on TV?
All I see to hear recently are compliments that I'm not even fishing for! Like the Ballerina/leg comment. I get all odds and ends of compliments about me that aren't said to my face.
I'm pretty.
I have nice legs.
I have big boobs (from the guys).
I'm smart.
Whats going on here? I'm not used to this! Thankfully, I'm starting to believe that I am smart, I'm not stupid anymore. I can get the grades I want, I do get the grades I want. How come I didn't see this before? Why did I think I was so stupid before this year? Maybe it was because I was comparing myself to other people? I dont think so. Comparing myself has showed me that, really, I'm smarter than a lot of my friends. I help my friends in classes, help THEM to understand whats being taught. I'm getting high B's and A's in most of my work. What made me believe I wasn't good enough mentally? Maybe because I'm borderline dyslexic and no one ever helped me because I wasn't 'bad' enough? My mum had to get me a personal tutor in year 5 because I literally could not read. Now? I'M WRITING FUCKING BOOKS!
One thing I've apparently always been good at is art.
Apparently, according to my friend, in Primary school we did a little drawing competition together, and we won because of my drawing. I dont even remember this!
Then... Why do I feel so pitiful about my appearance..?
I've noticed my confidence grow a little because of Capelin fancying me and complimenting me on more than just my looks. He liked everything. I was even STUPID enough to tell him about my eating issues. He just listened, he understood. Apparently his brother was Bulimic, so he's been through it. I've also got a TAKEN friend of mine flirting with me a lot... honestly, I try not to proper flirt back, I just say things that are intended to sound wrong to make the situation funny... its weird really. Strange how, he apparently really loves his girlfriend, but he feels the need to flirt with me? Makes me a little anxious about if that will happen to me... I'm trying really hard not to get bored with Skei. I love him, I really do. But I just lose interest in things quickly... which is why I think I argue with him a lot. Shake things up, make it interesting. I'm fucked up in the head. I either want to start and argument with Skei or go frolicking off with some fit indie who was looking me up and down. But I DONT WANT TO. I do and I dont. I do because it'd be different. I dont, because I've fucked things up enough as it is... I dont wanna go through that again. :/
Omg. I've sooo gone off track.
Either way.
Apparently I'm attractive. I may start asking guys at school... if I ever go back to school XD this snow has lasted several days and its like 2 foot deep.
Maybe I should accept I'm a good catch?
I dont know if I can do that though...
Its the battle of and Eating Disordered person, isn't it?
Apparently I deserve more...
I dont feel like I deserve anything.
Then, I feel like I deserve the world.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Make A Wish...

Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD

Saturday, 30 October 2010

100th Post? o.O

(Who likes my Drawing? Far right)
For starters. I'm not at 140 yet. I'm about 3 pounds away.
But I've been away so long I though I'd give you all the brief update.
The guys?
Skei. Apparently he still likes me after telling me he hates me, that I should move on and that I make him sick. The worst part is... He likes my friend Hol. And I'm still madly in love with him.

Capelin. Yes, the one at the bottom of my people list. apparently, he's liked me fore 5/6 weeks. I pulled him at the bonfire. And some more the next day. Buuut I told him we shouldn't go out, its a bad time for me.

J. He's another one of my/Skei's friends. We flirted alot in the first 2 weeks of mine and Skei's break up... although the other day he said that if he talks about having sex with me in our conversations, he's joking. then he basically back tracked himself by saying it might be awkward if we did fuck buuut he might sleep with me. Who knows.


T.W or Whitt... I think I'll call him Whitt. ANOTHER friend of Skei's. (I know, Skei has alot of friends who wouldnt mind fucking me.) He basically planned us sleeping together. I asked him this question (if we were both drunk and you had the chance to fuck me, would you?) first he didnt answer (probably coz I was with Bambi.) so I asked him again and he said, 'Yeah I probably would' I said I'd keep that noted somewhere in the back of my mind. He asked if I was going to this bonfire... and I said yeah and probably a bit tipsey. He says 'I live in NW' (NW is gonna be my code for that town XD) I was like (mistake alert) 'I probably wouldnt say no'
I meant that as a joke.
But that bonfire is tonight and I have no one to go with.

Skei has apparenlty started smoking more pot and sniffing cocaine because of me.

He used to shout at me non stop on Facebook, but now has decided theres no point (and even APOLOGISED for shouting and for his friend shouting at me :o .. ) and he actually believes that I feel increadibly bad.

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling anxious. I've been getting increasingly anxious over the past month, enough to make it difficult for me to breath, I can feel my heart pumping horribly fast and hard, and I shake. I think I have an Anxiety Disorder.

If Skei tells me in the next week that he deffinetly still likes me, I'd like to try 'us' again. Its frustrating, coz I know he was the main reason that I tried to kill myself, but with him, I experienced life... I truely am in love with him. and If he decides he doesn't want me, then I'm going to become a whore and fuck his friends. End of story.

I've planned my route. I'll be going down a long road of self distruction. Yesterday I nearly bought razors and diet pills but the razors said 'do not sell to under 18s' and I was like fuuuuck. and the diet pills just made me anxious. I'm still taking laxatives. I keep binging on shitty food, then not eating. Hopefully now that I've got orange juice again, I'll stop binging. Its the sugar my body needs.. :/

Only 3 more pounds then I'll be back properly. I'll try and catch up on your blogs after then.. :/ sorry I havent read any. I've been trying to distract myself with things that I can physically do. Sorry :/

I hope you're all well.
Sorry for the absence.
The next post will be the thing to do before I die.
Or things to do to make me die faster...
one of the two.
I have to do coursewrok too :/
I couldnt be arsed yesterday.
I love you

Oh, I cut my hair too !

Saturday, 23 October 2010

You're Amazing

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd update you on how things are going away from my blog.
I've already got 4 Love interests. Including Skei.
Tonight I'm going to a bonfire with my friend Rhii, and I'm going to be smoking alot.
I've dropped a few pounds, not too many more to go until I'll be back properly.
I look forward to being back, and telling you all about what's been going on.
Anyway, I must be off.
I still love you, don't worry!

Friday, 8 October 2010

Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Monday, 4 October 2010

'The Only Exception'

Tis My Birthday today.
But heres my problem.
I told Skei the truth, I got with B.
He's not sure he loves me, and isn't going to give me the album he was working on for me.
Brilliant, right?
Well now? Yes, what am I going to do?
I'm not a good guitarist, I can read tabs but thats about it. I'm going to attempt to learn 'our song' in a week. I shall give up every picture I've ever drawn of us, and two canvuses with my 'art' of our relationship on.
You think this will work?
Because I have absolutely no idea.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.
Most of all. I need his love.
It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.
I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.
I hope I get one last chance.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

4 Days To Go.

Okay, I'm going to say something thats really fucking confusing me.
(also, why have I lost 2 followers? :[ )
But before that, the situation with B? Yeah well I pulled him. Thats what happened, I know, dull but I didn't want Skei to find out. I doubt he'll find out soon seeing as he never comes on Blogger.
Right, remember Skei's cousin was texting me (I re-named him Chavvy-Mc-C in my head for a while..)
He is, well basically, in love with me.
Yeah, Okay, HOW THE FUCKK?? Why do I make people love me? He called me the other day because I was trying to convince him that I would eventually fuck him up, he thought I didnt like him at all. I do, really I do, which I hate so much. And we had a really nice conversation. My mum was out so I didn't have to worry about being loud, and we made each other laugh, and the weirdest thing is...
He's just like Skei.
He's tried to kill himself, Cut himself in the past, Blonde hair (Skei is more mousy brown now), blue eyes (Skei's are blue, brown and green), 6'1(Skei's 6'), muscly (Skei has a faint 8 pack), and finally the weirdest of them all...
They sound insanely similar.
I nearly told C when we were on the phone together that he sounded like Skei, decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend coz he's getting paid then, and I'm busy this weekend anyway.
But Shit.
Now I'm probably gonna have to choose between them. (fuckshitarsemonkeymerdeficktwatt) I've never felt so loved, in a bad fucking way.
Skei will be telling me sometime today if he's allowed over on Sunday, I'll probably jump on him... Speaking of... I impulsively kissed him the other day. Oh my days, the way he just sorta stared into space for about 5 minutes after was like, 'dude? wtf?' but when he snapped out of it he gave me that smile that melts my face every time! Damn him!
Later he said, 'no more surprise kisses!'
'Because Why!?'
Took a while to get it out of him but he said,
'It's distracting!'
I'm distracting? Wow! I'm distracting, Huh.
(Ohhhh Shiiiit I've just been given a HUGE amount of chocolate, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to EAT THEM ALL FUCKFUCKFUCK!)
But I have issues XD I have to choose between someone who I (at the moment) keep falling in love with again and again (Skei) or fresh meat who's seemingly hot and incredibly nice (C)...
I love you.

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Seriously Sick.
We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...

Saturday, 25 September 2010


I'm such a bitch.
I should go die.
I'll slowly starve myself to death.
(Apologies to everyone, but I hate myself again)

Friday, 24 September 2010

Laxative, Anyone?

Yes, I have laxatives. My mum knows.
Yes, my mum knows!
Coz I was having so much discomfort from not being able to go...
Seriously, it feels so good! I feel... I dunno, like I'm cleansing my body!
Obviously not, but hey, whatever.
the picture (just thought I'd tell you) reminds me of my Anorexic friend... not the style or face, just how fragile her body looks.
I wanna look like that, DAMN IT.
I think I'm still at 147/146
Hopefully... I'll lose some this weekend? Next week?
Omg. Speaking of...
I'm 16 in les than 2 weeks.
I'm about to eat Celery and low fat humous!! Woo!
It's actually quite nice, so was the low fat potatoe salad :)
but I ate that yesterday.
Need to get more, really...
Theres a bonfire in a near by town tomorrow.
I was going to drink, but now decided just to keep Manny out of trouble...
Seeing as last year he doesn't remember a thing. And he did some baad stuff...
Well. Kinda.
So it'll be a night of running around, watching fireworks and a big bonfire... Not eating... Hopefully.
Achh lifes so difficult, ain't it?
Ate too much -.-
Damn cereal.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Achh, Ashamed At My Own Desision

This is so not fair.
I am about to whine about me being stupid.
Me and Skei are on a break. -.- I told him we needed to talk, and I said that I've found the recent few weeks quite difficult for us. And I gave him three options to think about.
1) stay together and try harder
2) go on a break, sort our selves out a little, and get back together after a few weeks.
3) just break up.
He thought about it for 2 lessons and we talked about it for most of Lunch break.
2-3 weeks of:
no kissing, holding hands, hugging or saying I love you.
being able to pull whoever I want (likely NO ONE)
No sex with anyone (and I told him to not pull anyone either... Or I may have to, yanno, Die?)
And guess what.
But I know if I beg him to get back with me, then I'll regret it and want some time again.
But I had this thought...
If we did 'break' for 2 weeks, then maybe we could start our relationship again, slowly, with dates. Coz all we seem to do now is sleep at my house and go to school.
Which is why I'm confused as to whether I love him anymore.
And I scoffed 3 mars bars, about 5 table spoons of potatoe salad (not too fatty though actually) and some houmous with celery. And special K.
Right. So I've been SO tempted to call him and say 'FUCK IT I LOVE YOU' But I know thats not a good idea.
Oh and thank you for lovely comments :)
My Therapist made me nearly cry -.-
(I was talking about 'Daddy' issues)
And Peri~ I actually did know about the whole muscle thing, but thanks for confirming that IT IS TRUE :)
And thanks FBallerina, I was going to but didn't and ended up doing running in my P.E. lesson today.
I have a feeling I'm going to have a late night cry :/
Ah Well.
I'll beg a friend of mine to set me up with some sexy guy (lol, yeah right!)
I love you all
You're lovely.
Apologies for crappy rant btw

Sunday, 19 September 2010

"Yo Mother FUCKERRR I'm Gonna Be Ripped Blud!"

Ahhh... Right I dont know where this blog is going but hey, We'll see aye?
I had a dance audition yesterday.
About 3 hours of dance.
I can feel it in my thighs.
Kinda my arse too...
My arms haven't gotten smaller.
I can feel a bit more muscle though...
My birthday Is about 2 weeks away...
I dont have to time to be turning 16.
Or having a party.
My Gran is going to book an appointment or something at a spa for us in the half term as my birthday present.
Opting for the ditoxifying kelp/seaweed wrap type thing...
I ache. Alot.
Can barley breathe because of the pain in the back of my ribs.
I dont know if I've lost anymore weight.
Doubt it.
I have a audition for the school Christmas show.
I should be learning a song for it, but cba.
I've just realised this is a very mono-toned list of things.
I am actually sleeping, its not as broken up, but I'm now waking up at 4 in the morning and falling asleep again.
I've tried to do 10 starjumps every morning to up my motabollism...
Didn't do it today.
I've only had a bowel of yogurt and a cup of coffee.
I'm debating the pros and cons of being with Skei.
We've both got doubts that we'll last.
I'm going to find this decision hard.
Fucks sake.
I may have to take some time?

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Gahh :/

Ah, Man Guys!
I'm sorry I haven't posted in like a week?! I've been swamped with Course Work and Exercising with my Gran XD
(Lotsa areobics TV and Stupid questions to answer)
Right. I was stupid at one point and gained back up to 149. I lost 2 or 3 again, so I'm around 147/146 again. (woop?) And I'm doing well, I do go over my calorie limit but I guess I burn it off and for dinner recently, I've stuck to home made veggie soup (which I dont count as calories coz I'm on the SGD and its a liquid) I've gone off my morning coffee for some reason... but hey, a couple less calories.
Oh aaaaand I've been feeling FAINT-ISH AGAIN! YEY!
I loooove that feeling, I've missed it soo much!
AND I lost half an inch off my thighs! :o like wow, and my calfs look thinner but they're still 14 inches but hey.
Oh and after the HUGE ammount of exercise I did this week, my arms KILL. So hopefully I'll have sexy skinny arms :3
I'm going on a school trip in December! I'm going to GERMANY!! :D I've never been to Germany before! :D Its only for 2 days for the Christmas market in Colone (cant spell for shit :3) But should be amazing, I'm hopefully gonna share a room with Anneli, and Manny and Skei will hopefully be able to go so WOOP! Although... Kitty will be going -.- (Thank God the HM wont be going! I dont think...)
So I'll talk about that a bit, and hopefully beable to blog on my phone... Keep you updated. And we only get breakfast on the second day but dont get dinner or lunch either day so I'll be skipping out. I'll take a bag of apples over for my snacks XD
I had the urge to try and purge (pardon the rhyme) today. Just coz I was in a horrible mood coz my form tutor (lets call him Mr. Nazi...) told me to stop singing. But I went to the bathroom, but people were in there, so I waited a bit until they left, one didn't and turned out someone was crying, so I gave up on that thought and scoffed some chocolates and cereal when I got home. I haven't done any exercise except my P.E lesson and should currently be doing Diploma work -.- fuck that I'll do it later.
Oh and its reached the time of COLLEGE x.x I'm sooo fucked. I now have no idea where I wont to go :/ I'm just gonna apply to loads and decide out of the ones that accept me. Ahhhh :/
Oh well... I'll go to loads of open days too XD haha just turn up and look at loads of places then decide on one. They all seem good, I guess I'll have to come up with a nickname for the one I finally decide on.. XD Rambling, sorry.
Over all I've been very busy and you're lucky I've posted today XD
I'm starting to hate coming up with lists...
some changes you've noticed physically (yes ED related today)
1I have a waist now
2Tiny wrists
3Quite skinny shoulders and arms (still flabby though)
4more abdominem muscle
5my face has thinned out
6when I lay down I can feel my ribs and hips
oh one last thing, I'm re-reading LoveSick. I'm in need of triggering/thinsperation... whichever :/
Cheerio (not the food you numpty!)

Thursday, 9 September 2010

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
With Skei btw XD
Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)

Tuesday, 7 September 2010


Hey. Guess What?
I have awesome news!
But I'll get to that!
It was awesome reading (3) people's stories and dislikes about school XD It's a great topic to bitch about!
I'm sorry I cant remember names atm (Shame on me) but whoever said about her shoes getting nicked.
Out of the girls changing rooms and I had to wear my P.E. trainers until my mum bought a new pair!
Oh and, seeing as my skirt caused such a ruckus, I'm going to wear it again tomorrow. My old head of year actually said 'Well, thats better!' when she saw me in my trousers (skinny legged ones btw)... I hate her. I went on and explained everything (height, length, right place, other girls are shorter.. etc.) then she said something like 'I dunno what it was, something just wasn't right, maybe its because you weren't wearing tights.'
What the fuck??
I told her my tights had a hole in which I asked my mum to fix so I didn't have any. Which is the truth, but I wanted to wear my long socks anyway.
And I'm going to tomorrow :) She can kiss my arse. I'm going to dye my hair BRIGHT FUCKING PURPLE some point this year and there's nothing she can do about it!
tbh they can't. They can tell you you shouldn't dye your hair unnatural colours and tell you off, but what else are they gonna do? Come to your house, shove your head under the shower and apply hair dye??
Oh dear XD
Oh but anyway. To my awesome news...
I'VE LOST 2.5 LBS!!!!!!!!
Seriously though, Corr! I found that out coz my mum finally got a battery for our scales and it works again. I lost weight and had 3 pieces of chocolate cake (2 of which I stuffed when I got home... tut tut) and that was after a whole day of eating a little and drinking.
I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow just to make sure!
But I think I'm going to stick to 'Measure every few days' for weight coz When you dont know... You want to make a difference! Well for me anyway... And I think I'm going to measure with the tape every month, or 4 weeks, whatever. Because this seems to be working! I use more energy at school, I do minimum of 90 minutes of activity per week, with my SGD I have an exercise to do everyday which will help, and the calories are very low making my total calories burned around 2000 or more!
Now I'm off to update my goals and check my BMI!!!
Then Maybe get a mug of warm milk ^-^
Damn... Favourite books
1 LoveSick (Sweet true story with a Bulimic girl in it)
2 Generation Dead (Glamorising Zombies for once! It's really good)
3 Ways To Live Forever (About a young boy in England I think, with Leukemia, uber saaad :( )
I reccomend those :)
Soon To Be Skinny Angel!

Monday, 6 September 2010

It's A Skirt! We Don't Live In The 1930's Anymore!

My God.
I was spoken to about my skirt at least 5 times today for it being apparently too short.
Frankly. Up yours!
I'm tall. Not my fault my skirt goes 5 1/2 inches above my knee! Ooohh Thigh! What ever shall we do!?
Fack Offfffffff!
Okay, whether you want to hear it or not I'm going to tell you coz, well, this is MY BLOG. Full of all sorts of SHIT.
First My head of year said that my skirts too short, I told her that the waist band of the skirt is in the right place, so I can't help it! (they're long waisted skirts with pleats at the bottom)
Then when I went to ask Mrs. K if I could borrow a jumper for the day (coz apparently my cardigan just wasn't good enough...) she mentioned my skirt was a bit short (A BIT!) and I explained the waist band thing, and she just agreed and said, yeah, it was because I'm tall. So she was happy about it coz I actually can't do anything about it.
Then when I was going to my first lesson, the 2 head of years (same woman from last time and a bloke) said I should do something about my skirt, I said something like 'Well I said before, It's at the right place, I'm just tall' then the bloke chipped in and said 'looks like its been rolled up to me!'
Fuck off.
I actually lifted my school polo shirt to show him it wasn't. Then the woman said 'well pull it down a bit' I did sort of but the way they're made, you cant really do that. And she kept telling me more as I walked off, but as soon as I was out of her sight I moved it back coz it was really uncomfortable where it was, and made absolutely no difference.
The going into Science my MAN teacher (Mr. SPF actually...) said to sort my skirt out. I said I cant. I'm tall. He turned round and said, 'You getting a new one?'
Fuck off.
THIS IS NEW ARSE HOLE!! And cost my mum more than a tenner! (£10 if you're wondering) And I'm quite sure she's not going to replace it! Specially since its new, and they all come in ONE LENGTH.
Then Lunch ended, I walked past the woman Head of year AGAIN and as I was just about out the door she said, 'better think about that'
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
Think about a skirt? No thanks, I've got better things to focus on, like, I dunno, my COURSEWORK!? That time I just ignored her.
I'm going to tell my Therapist/Counsellor type lady that my teachers are now bullying me. Seriously, how many times does ONE teacher have to say something? Especially to me! They should know by now I'm above average on the intellect front and not an old age pensioner! I can remember what you said earlier! I may have done SOME damage thanks to those pain killers but nothing THAT serious!
I feel like bashing their faces in (Except Mrs. K who just accepted you cant do a lot about a skirt that's worn correctly but by a tall person.
Okay I'm not tall.
I'm taller than average in the UK. Which seems to make a lot of difference when you wear skirts and jumpers. So fucking hard to get the balance right!
God they would have had a field day if had decided to wear my black boots!! -.-
I mean I'm in my last year of school, I hardly ever do anything wrong (Only a few things and I get out of them easy) the only thing I don't follow like a fucking sniffer dog to coke is the dress code. I wear trainers to school. They haven't noticed. I wear skinny leg trousers to school, they don't notice. And what annoys me more is that I WAS WARY about wearing my skirt coz we had some strong breezes today, I was weary of flashing people! I held my fucking skirt to my legs for God's sake!
I had a compliment from Skei about my uniform.
Hot. XD
And my friend said that coz I was wearing long socks, I looked like a slut, but she didn't mean it in a bitter way! Just a comment, which I do agree on partly, But I didn't have any tights with out holes in so I just went for socks.
Wow. Who knew someone could rant so much about a fucking school uniform!?
I'm sorry.
How about something ED related aye?
In science we're doing things about healthy living.
Straight away we were told to calculate the amount of calories we use per day at school. Blimey, I've never been so interested in my life! Corr if I have to do an EXAM on this, I'm gonna rock the fuckin' boat and get a fucking A****** (not a possible grade before anyone point that out to me...) And all the fat people pictures and what happens to your veins and arteries if your obese stuff really put me off food. WHOOPEYY!
Oh and I've only eaten an apple and a custard cream. I think I'm starting to get indigestion... Suckishhhh
Urh right.
3 things you HATE about your school/college/workplace
1looks like a shit hole
2the teachers are NAFF
3The whole 'Skirt' thing...
I love you :)