Saturday, 30 October 2010

100th Post? o.O

(Who likes my Drawing? Far right)
For starters. I'm not at 140 yet. I'm about 3 pounds away.
But I've been away so long I though I'd give you all the brief update.
The guys?
Skei. Apparently he still likes me after telling me he hates me, that I should move on and that I make him sick. The worst part is... He likes my friend Hol. And I'm still madly in love with him.

Capelin. Yes, the one at the bottom of my people list. apparently, he's liked me fore 5/6 weeks. I pulled him at the bonfire. And some more the next day. Buuut I told him we shouldn't go out, its a bad time for me.

J. He's another one of my/Skei's friends. We flirted alot in the first 2 weeks of mine and Skei's break up... although the other day he said that if he talks about having sex with me in our conversations, he's joking. then he basically back tracked himself by saying it might be awkward if we did fuck buuut he might sleep with me. Who knows.


T.W or Whitt... I think I'll call him Whitt. ANOTHER friend of Skei's. (I know, Skei has alot of friends who wouldnt mind fucking me.) He basically planned us sleeping together. I asked him this question (if we were both drunk and you had the chance to fuck me, would you?) first he didnt answer (probably coz I was with Bambi.) so I asked him again and he said, 'Yeah I probably would' I said I'd keep that noted somewhere in the back of my mind. He asked if I was going to this bonfire... and I said yeah and probably a bit tipsey. He says 'I live in NW' (NW is gonna be my code for that town XD) I was like (mistake alert) 'I probably wouldnt say no'
I meant that as a joke.
But that bonfire is tonight and I have no one to go with.

Skei has apparenlty started smoking more pot and sniffing cocaine because of me.

He used to shout at me non stop on Facebook, but now has decided theres no point (and even APOLOGISED for shouting and for his friend shouting at me :o .. ) and he actually believes that I feel increadibly bad.

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling anxious. I've been getting increasingly anxious over the past month, enough to make it difficult for me to breath, I can feel my heart pumping horribly fast and hard, and I shake. I think I have an Anxiety Disorder.

If Skei tells me in the next week that he deffinetly still likes me, I'd like to try 'us' again. Its frustrating, coz I know he was the main reason that I tried to kill myself, but with him, I experienced life... I truely am in love with him. and If he decides he doesn't want me, then I'm going to become a whore and fuck his friends. End of story.

I've planned my route. I'll be going down a long road of self distruction. Yesterday I nearly bought razors and diet pills but the razors said 'do not sell to under 18s' and I was like fuuuuck. and the diet pills just made me anxious. I'm still taking laxatives. I keep binging on shitty food, then not eating. Hopefully now that I've got orange juice again, I'll stop binging. Its the sugar my body needs.. :/

Only 3 more pounds then I'll be back properly. I'll try and catch up on your blogs after then.. :/ sorry I havent read any. I've been trying to distract myself with things that I can physically do. Sorry :/

I hope you're all well.
Sorry for the absence.
The next post will be the thing to do before I die.
Or things to do to make me die faster...
one of the two.
I have to do coursewrok too :/
I couldnt be arsed yesterday.
I love you

Oh, I cut my hair too !


  1. Boys are so crap, I wish I was a lesbian >,< I'm glad you didn't cut lovely and I really hope things get better for you soon. Do you live in Brighton? I was looking at your ex's blog and the pictures on there look like Brighton! Thats pretty rad if you do because I live a couple of towns over (: Sorry for being a stalker haha.

    -lots of love,

  2. Hey great blog! Congrats on your progress so far. I just started a blog, check it out if you want :)