Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
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I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
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I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
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Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
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I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.
x

'The Only Exception'

Tis My Birthday today.

But heres my problem.

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I told Skei the truth, I got with B.

Now?

He's not sure he loves me, and isn't going to give me the album he was working on for me.

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Brilliant, right?

.

Well now? Yes, what am I going to do?

Well.

I'm not a good guitarist, I can read tabs but thats about it. I'm going to attempt to learn 'our song' in a week. I shall give up every picture I've ever drawn of us, and two canvuses with my 'art' of our relationship on.

.

You think this will work?

Because I have absolutely no idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz8uvwzHtxk

Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.

Most of all. I need his love.

It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.

I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.

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I hope I get one last chance.

x

Achh, Ashamed At My Own Desision

This is so not fair.
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WARNING!
I am about to whine about me being stupid.
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Me and Skei are on a break. -.- I told him we needed to talk, and I said that I've found the recent few weeks quite difficult for us. And I gave him three options to think about.
1) stay together and try harder
2) go on a break, sort our selves out a little, and get back together after a few weeks.
3) just break up.
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He thought about it for 2 lessons and we talked about it for most of Lunch break.
2-3 weeks of:
no kissing, holding hands, hugging or saying I love you.
being able to pull whoever I want (likely NO ONE)
No sex with anyone (and I told him to not pull anyone either... Or I may have to, yanno, Die?)
.
And guess what.
I FUCKING MISS HIM ALREADY!
But I know if I beg him to get back with me, then I'll regret it and want some time again.
But I had this thought...
If we did 'break' for 2 weeks, then maybe we could start our relationship again, slowly, with dates. Coz all we seem to do now is sleep at my house and go to school.
Which is why I'm confused as to whether I love him anymore.
And I scoffed 3 mars bars, about 5 table spoons of potatoe salad (not too fatty though actually) and some houmous with celery. And special K.
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Right. So I've been SO tempted to call him and say 'FUCK IT I LOVE YOU' But I know thats not a good idea.
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Oh and thank you for lovely comments :)
My Therapist made me nearly cry -.-
(I was talking about 'Daddy' issues)
And Peri~ I actually did know about the whole muscle thing, but thanks for confirming that IT IS TRUE :)
And thanks FBallerina, I was going to but didn't and ended up doing running in my P.E. lesson today.
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I have a feeling I'm going to have a late night cry :/
Ah Well.
I'll beg a friend of mine to set me up with some sexy guy (lol, yeah right!)
I love you all
You're lovely.
Apologies for crappy rant btw
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Yo Mother FUCKERRR I'm Gonna Be Ripped Blud!"

Ahhh... Right I dont know where this blog is going but hey, We'll see aye?

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I had a dance audition yesterday.

About 3 hours of dance.

I can feel it in my thighs.

Kinda my arse too...

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My arms haven't gotten smaller.

I can feel a bit more muscle though...

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My birthday Is about 2 weeks away...

I dont have to time to be turning 16.

Or having a party.

My Gran is going to book an appointment or something at a spa for us in the half term as my birthday present.

Opting for the ditoxifying kelp/seaweed wrap type thing...

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I ache. Alot.

Can barley breathe because of the pain in the back of my ribs.

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I dont know if I've lost anymore weight.

Doubt it.

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I have a audition for the school Christmas show.

I should be learning a song for it, but cba.

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I've just realised this is a very mono-toned list of things.

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I am actually sleeping, its not as broken up, but I'm now waking up at 4 in the morning and falling asleep again.

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I've tried to do 10 starjumps every morning to up my motabollism...

Didn't do it today.

I've only had a bowel of yogurt and a cup of coffee.

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I'm debating the pros and cons of being with Skei.

We've both got doubts that we'll last.

I'm going to find this decision hard.

.

.

.

.

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Fucks sake.

I may have to take some time?

Quoi? Was? Wut? -.-'

Gahh I feel like an Ungly girrrrrl :(
My scales ran outta battery and I have no idea if I've gained or staied the same or what.
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But I've been sort of better with my eating (well, considering my period..) and Skei ate the remainder of the fake snickers and loads of sandwiches XD (chocolate spread, jam and lemon curd..)
Paha!
Omg I'm fattening him up XD
He had a faff with my weird electric muscle building things XD he said it felt funny (no duh, youre being electricuted..)
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*sigh*
I'm bored. Sorry for the crappy blog, I thought I should blog again..
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My glasses broke at the lense place, they were putting the lenses in but the frame broke -.-' had to go get another pair of glasses and ANOTHER pair that were actual glasses and not crappy poser ones... so hopefully I'll have new glasses. But not before my first day back at school (Monday.. faackk) I still haven't read Lord of The Flies... I'll read it tomorrow...
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I dont wanna go back to school but I do aswell.
I dont coz of the people I cant stand and my new maths teacher...
I do coz I'm less likely to eat myself silly... I'm more likely to not eat most the day.. and I have my own living thinspo (and reverse thinspo XD) around me!
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But it's just so much effort... Specially since this year I have to apply to a college and CHOOSE the courses I wanna do... -.-
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Thats it really.
gimme a guilt pleasure of yours.
Mine is watching '13 going on 30' XD
<3
x