Ferme Votre Bouche!

Right Now I hate blogger.
It's pissing me off.
I CAN'T COMMENT! (Which brings me to say 'Periiiii I misss youu :( Fuckin' blogger wont let me comment, I'm not being a bitch and ignoring you! Bloggers being an ARSE HOLE! GAHHHH!! >:[' )
And not it wont even let me upload a picture.

I'm already in a bad enough mood because of my massive late night binge and failed attempt to purge. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS PUKE? I can't do it unless I've had obsene amounts of alcohol!
Now I feel fat, bloated and ill.

Breatharian-iam went out the window a few hours after I started.
Fuck that.
I'm just gonna fast. Basically the same thing. Who cares. I wanna die pretty soon anyway. Might as well start killing myself off now!

Who wants the gossip on Skei?
I'm gonna tell you anyway. I was with him yesterday, when we first saw each other he played me a song he wrote. For me.
Later on he asked me to Prom even though he's not going coz he hasn't paid but he says he's gonna try to go.
THEN he asked me out. Asked me to be his girlfriend again. Know what I said?
'No. Not until you prove to me you have changed. I wont go out with you.'
Feel proud of me bitchess XD

Seeing him tomorrow... I don't know what I'm doing. I'm playing with fire. WITH FIRE!
I'm just too stupid to notice.

Had a massive clean of my room. Now I'm organising. But it's too late to finish so it'll all end up on the floor in a bit. I'm shattered. I don't even know what I'm doing with myself anymore...

I guess that's it for the night. I want my pillow -.-

Good night. I'll try and fix this fucking comment problem!
Liebe das Kodii
xxx

I Think I Need To Grow Up A Little, Before I Get Involved..

School sucks. I suck. Food sucks. Starving sucks. Everything SUCKS!
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I watched 'Black Swan' on Friday with my mum. Awkward turtle. Lesbian action, masturbation, bulimia, OCD, schizophrenia and drug abuse. Not something I'd purposely watch with my mother.
It was brilliant though.
Uber thinspiring. I googled Natalie Portman's diet to get into that sort of shape. I'm going to do that. Edited slightly. But I cant start today. None of the food on my list are in the fridge so I'm starting tomorrow. And I've been using the running machine! YES WE HAVE A RUNNING MACHINE AHH!! Honestly I've found that reading whilst walking at a reasonably fast by steady speed I can do 2 miles in 30-40 minutes. SCOREE!
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Last week was a disaster weight wise. I'd been doing a lot of walking on the treadmill but GAINING. Which I totally didn't understand. Highest I got was nearly 153lbs. I was ready to kill myself. Now I've found I'm in the usual 147/148lbs range which has pleased me. So Starting tomorrow I'm doing the Ballerina Diet, plus weekdays, 1 mile walking and some dancing practice or general dancyness, Weekends 2 miles a day, at least and hour dance and some aerobics. Hopefully by next Monday I'll be ready to pass out.
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I've also sorted the Skei situation once and for all. We talked at break (after my monster talk with Li about this during Maths) and we've decided its not fair on either of us that being together is so hard. We're giving it one more go for year 11 and have decided that some point in Summer, we're going to break up. Grow up a little. Five years approximately. Experiment some more, learn, live. All that milark. And we're going to stay friends over those years, then maybe we'll give us another go depending on where we both are in our lives and what we then want. So fro now, we're together. I'm happy about it. Because to be honest, I'm not sire if I want to break up with him properly now, but I'm not sure either of us are mature enough to handle this relationship yet. So all is good in that area.
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Unfortunately. Ted has cancelled his party. His arsehole mate has forgotten the code to get into the apartment they were gonna use. Cuuuuunt.
Oh well, I'll just use this weekend for something else?
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I bought high waisted shorts the other day. Size 8, fit my arse fine, my stomach is too massivo to do them up though. So there's my motivation.
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There's my life updated. Haha. Like you really care ;)
I''m off to go be bored.
.
I'm obsessed with Dave The Laugh from Louise Rennison's books. He's so marvy and lush!
And a Laugh.
It is my mission in life to find him.
The real life version, not the actor in the shite film.
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'weeks since I've seen her eat' - Too Sorry For Apologies - Breathe Again
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Oh before I go. I keep having weird dreams abou Whitt... >.<>

ThinkThinkOverThinkOverThinkBrainOverLoadOverOverLoaaaddddd

Stupid Over Thinking Brain.
Stupid stupid stupid irrational thoughts. Irrational but possible.
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Skei hasn't been in contact with me in a week. I keep thinking of why, what could have happened, where could he be?
Maybe he's avoiding me, maybe he decided to stay at his Mum's place, maybe he's not allowed on the phone/computer, maybe he's cheated on me, maybe he over dosed on drugs, maybe hes in hospital, maybe he's dead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's going else where for New Year, maybe he's realised I'm not good enough, maybe he met someone better than me, maybe he's gone back to his old ways of drug dealing, maybe he's run away, maybe he doesn't have credit on his new phone, maybe he didn't even get a phone, maybe he got into a car accident on the way home, maybe he's been banned from seeing me, maybe he's been grounded, maybe he's fallen in love with someone else, maybe he couldn't handle me anymore, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
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I hate this thought process issue. It snowballs, gets bigger and bigger, then turns to self loathing thoughts, then it turns to irrational ideas, then turns to what I would do if any of these where true... I dont want any of them to be true. He'd promised me we would spend this New Year together. If we dont then I cant forgive him. I told him a few months ago, if he hurts me again thats it. He said the same back to me. Obviously I understand that. We're both tired of being hurt. Now he cant seem to even understand why I do the things I do. The week we've been apart made me feel things again, and I was hoping to express them before or at the New Years party. But it doesn't seem like he even wants to ask how my Christmas was because he cant even leave a facebook message asking. I know he's been online when I haven't because KT has been speaking to him. Apparently all he's been doing up at his Mum's is get high. No wonder why I've started cutting again. I'm so fucking anxious. I'm going through pot after pot of black coffee, so much that its starting to make me ill. I feel like I'm going insane! I hate being anxious like this!
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I cried myself to sleep last night, because I dont know what he's been doing! I dont want to know exactly everything he's done, I just wanna know why he hasn't bothered to contact me after that one phone call. How his Christmas was. What did he get? Did he have a good time with his Mum? I just want to ask him if he's been happy...
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I've promised myself that I was going to hide all my problems from him again, because he said I've changed. I dont think I've changed. I've always been depressed. I just hid it well from everyone until I finally let someone in. I let him in, I let him know how I'm suffering and I listened to how he was suffering as well. I'm going to hide my cuts and scars, I'm not going to talk about my Eating Disorder, I'm not going to let myself cry around him anymore. Let him see how my mask can cover everything, remind him of my mask. The fact that it only dropped because I trusted him and thought he would accept it... He did, but I think he doesn't get to see the happy me as often as my friends do... I cant help it... I'm too twisted.
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I wish I had drugs to knock some 'happiness' into me.
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I feel like I'm disappearing into my previous depression, I knew I needed that counsellor. A month is too long to be with out one.
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I hope he comes and stops me from loosing my head.
I dont want to feel this right now. Its the final moments of 2010. I dont want to start 2011 on a low. A drunken low. A completely wasted low.
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'Where did you go when the Sun Rose' - 3OH!3 - Streets Of Gold

Crystal Flakes Of Glass Are Falling, Floating, Melting.

The snow is for looking at, not playing in.
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I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I hate it because it melts on my feet, soaking my socks and freezing my toes off. Also, its just cold. I love it because it gives me reason to wrap up and wear huge jumpers, and it looks beautiful.
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Theres so much snow, its insane. It began to melt around midday though, so it might be gone by tomorrow. I'm hoping to get out of the house. Theres nothing to do when Skei is here. I can think of lots of stuff to entertain me when I'm alone, but with Skei... fuck we have nothing to do and he wants my attention. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ATTENTION WITH OUT MOANING. Really, our relationship revolves around looking pretty together, sleeping and watching Naruto. Thats it in a nutshell. Slightly deeper? He's madly in love with me and I have no idea if I still love him because he's (dare I say it) so needy. Apparently I come off as needy and clingy? OMG I DONT SEE THAT?! I need to sort myself out.
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On the plus side. I'm 145.4lbs! Freshly weighed this morning before my shower! Success!! Only 5 and a bit more pounds to lose in... 13 days! I CAN SO DO THAT! I've calculated (In my many bored moments) that I have lost at least a pound a day!! Still haven't technically eaten. Made more soup, had half of if for lunch, the rest for tomorrow. I also had a lot of chocolate milk shake today which kept me full and also tropical juice. Nom! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to burn off some boredom energy and force Skei out of bed and go for a walk. If he doesn't get up then I'm going to do a work out video! I do love sky! (Fitness TV anyone?)
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I've been cooking most the day, I helped my Gran make 2 other soups for everyone else and I did a quick sweep of the living room. OMG! I could do some cleaning tomorrow! Perfect ;)
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I've also noticed that I dont seem to look any thinner, even though I apparently am. I hate that so much.
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I made another blog. ED's Cook Book. Its gonna have my recepies and one I like on there, atm its just got soup! XD Look it up and follow if you're interested!
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I may go back down stairs seeing as Skei has fallen asleep (at 20 to 7)... Coz I'm bored.
And I dont like the amount of effort needed to wake him up.
My God its ALOT!
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Hm...
Maybe I'm not old enough for a relationship like this?
BOLLOCKS!
Dont start with that malarkey again Kodi!
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Skei doesn't like the thought of me being skinny like the thinspo picks I post... He thinks ribs are weird. (How dare he!?) He would just have to deal with it if I ever get that thin.
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Well I shall post you all tomorrow a quick update of weight, and maybe I'll measure too? Excite Skei a little when he has to measure my boobs...
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'How Can You Love Me When I Am Ugly?' - LIGHTS - cant remember the song...
x

To Love Is A Difficult Battle You Must Eventualy Win.

Gutentag vom mich!
Deustchland war SEHR GUT! ICH LIEBE DEUSTCHLAND!!
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Ahhhh, the Koln christmas markets were amazing! I love Koln. It advertizes like Japan, has shops like New York, and German people EVERYWHERE! The markets had so many cute things, like ginger bread messages, personalised bracelets, sparkly boxes, embriodered cloths, marballs XD, incense (including cannabis smell), glass figures and SO MUCH FOOD.
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The crepes. PHWOARRR. I had 3. And a HUGE waffle. Mmmmm... Gorge. I bought my Gran some different types of nugart, my mum a little candel holder, Manny a red glass dragon, my Great Grandmother an embroidered cloth, my dad an amathyst stone, and an awesome ring (its a dragon!) and quartz necklace to replace the one Skei broke. I got Skei a bracelet with his name on it... its different to what you think. When I give it to him, I'll take a picture of it on his wrist for you guy to see. Its not girly, but Its nice... (Shit, maybe I wont show you coz it has his real name on it, not Skei... Ehh I'll think about it.)
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I spent €100.
haha. It was my dads money so its all good.
I'm gonna have to start giving out presents this week, it being the last week and all... ehhh. E. F. F. O. R. T.
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Oh I over heared Olii (a guy in my class who has the same birthday as Lii) say that he would fuck me. Cool? But Den, another guy on the trip, said he wouldnt. Tah. -.- Oh well. I dont really care. Even though prior to that moment I said I would go out with him to Stone.
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Oh well. I deal with plenty of people who dont want to fuck me daily, one more that is known wont kill me.
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Hmm. I'm still resolving my issue in the previous post.
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I'm not really watching what I'm eating. I'm too too too stressed. I have work to hand in on Friday. (about a terms worth of class diaries which I havent dont any of) and I'm doing the Christmas shows.
A show to primary kids on Tuesday. Opening night on Wednesday. Closing night on Thursday. I have to buy tickets. :/ Effort.
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Mum got me an aplication form for a job in a near by town in a clothing shop. I'm gonna apply. Got nothing to loose, I need some extra dough. And I got letters from the colleges I applied too saying they got my application and they will send anopother letter with details of my interviews.
Yessss.
In. The. Bag.
XD
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I'm going to sort out my bed a little, then go to bed now.
(tbh my weight isn't too bad, only 150lbs. only 10lbs to loose in 2 weeks. Not too bad.)
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'My life is a circus, and I'm tripping down that tightrope.' - Papa Roach - Thrown Away.

The Thought Track To The Perfect Girl...

TheFatherOfLies Says:
-very pretty
-adorable
-cares about what I think
-always up for it ;)
-eyes that can melt my soul
-soft sweet lips
-long hair
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Thats a short list of Skei's perfect girl.
I'm not like that. Why does he want me?
-I'm ugly, or at least average
-I'm a lunatic
-I'm a bitch.
-I never want to do it because I'm too fat and ugly.
-My eyes are... meh.
-I have thin lips for a girl.
-I cut my hair short.
WHY DOES HE LIKE ME? And here we go again, Do I like him? God damn the fact I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel if I'm in love. Am I supposed to have butterflies, because I don't have them. I just dont know! I want to be with Skei, because fuck knows how hard I've tried to keep him. I dont deserve anyone to love me... Is it bad that I can see a life with out Skei in it?
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How do you guys feel about your love interests?

"I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fuckin' scared of him" 3OH!3 - Dont Trust Me

Make A Wish...

OMG.
Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
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I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
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Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
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Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
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I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
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Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
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Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
x
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P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD

100th Post? o.O

Hulloo

(Who likes my Drawing? Far right)
For starters. I'm not at 140 yet. I'm about 3 pounds away.

But I've been away so long I though I'd give you all the brief update.

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The guys?

Skei. Apparently he still likes me after telling me he hates me, that I should move on and that I make him sick. The worst part is... He likes my friend Hol. And I'm still madly in love with him.

Capelin. Yes, the one at the bottom of my people list. apparently, he's liked me fore 5/6 weeks. I pulled him at the bonfire. And some more the next day. Buuut I told him we shouldn't go out, its a bad time for me.

J. He's another one of my/Skei's friends. We flirted alot in the first 2 weeks of mine and Skei's break up... although the other day he said that if he talks about having sex with me in our conversations, he's joking. then he basically back tracked himself by saying it might be awkward if we did fuck buuut he might sleep with me. Who knows.

FINALLY.

T.W or Whitt... I think I'll call him Whitt. ANOTHER friend of Skei's. (I know, Skei has alot of friends who wouldnt mind fucking me.) He basically planned us sleeping together. I asked him this question (if we were both drunk and you had the chance to fuck me, would you?) first he didnt answer (probably coz I was with Bambi.) so I asked him again and he said, 'Yeah I probably would' I said I'd keep that noted somewhere in the back of my mind. He asked if I was going to this bonfire... and I said yeah and probably a bit tipsey. He says 'I live in NW' (NW is gonna be my code for that town XD) I was like (mistake alert) 'I probably wouldnt say no'

I meant that as a joke.

But that bonfire is tonight and I have no one to go with.

Skei has apparenlty started smoking more pot and sniffing cocaine because of me.

Brilliant...

He used to shout at me non stop on Facebook, but now has decided theres no point (and even APOLOGISED for shouting and for his friend shouting at me :o .. ) and he actually believes that I feel increadibly bad.

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling anxious. I've been getting increasingly anxious over the past month, enough to make it difficult for me to breath, I can feel my heart pumping horribly fast and hard, and I shake. I think I have an Anxiety Disorder.

If Skei tells me in the next week that he deffinetly still likes me, I'd like to try 'us' again. Its frustrating, coz I know he was the main reason that I tried to kill myself, but with him, I experienced life... I truely am in love with him. and If he decides he doesn't want me, then I'm going to become a whore and fuck his friends. End of story.

I've planned my route. I'll be going down a long road of self distruction. Yesterday I nearly bought razors and diet pills but the razors said 'do not sell to under 18s' and I was like fuuuuck. and the diet pills just made me anxious. I'm still taking laxatives. I keep binging on shitty food, then not eating. Hopefully now that I've got orange juice again, I'll stop binging. Its the sugar my body needs.. :/

Only 3 more pounds then I'll be back properly. I'll try and catch up on your blogs after then.. :/ sorry I havent read any. I've been trying to distract myself with things that I can physically do. Sorry :/

I hope you're all well.

Sorry for the absence.

The next post will be the thing to do before I die.

Or things to do to make me die faster...

one of the two.

I have to do coursewrok too :/

I couldnt be arsed yesterday.

I love you

x

Oh, I cut my hair too !

You're Amazing

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd update you on how things are going away from my blog.
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I've already got 4 Love interests. Including Skei.
Tonight I'm going to a bonfire with my friend Rhii, and I'm going to be smoking alot.
I've dropped a few pounds, not too many more to go until I'll be back properly.
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I look forward to being back, and telling you all about what's been going on.
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Anyway, I must be off.
I still love you, don't worry!
;D
x

'The Only Exception'

Tis My Birthday today.

But heres my problem.

.

I told Skei the truth, I got with B.

Now?

He's not sure he loves me, and isn't going to give me the album he was working on for me.

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Brilliant, right?

.

Well now? Yes, what am I going to do?

Well.

I'm not a good guitarist, I can read tabs but thats about it. I'm going to attempt to learn 'our song' in a week. I shall give up every picture I've ever drawn of us, and two canvuses with my 'art' of our relationship on.

.

You think this will work?

Because I have absolutely no idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz8uvwzHtxk

Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.

Most of all. I need his love.

It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.

I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.

.

I hope I get one last chance.

x

4 Days To Go.

Okay, I'm going to say something thats really fucking confusing me.
(also, why have I lost 2 followers? :[ )
.
But before that, the situation with B? Yeah well I pulled him. Thats what happened, I know, dull but I didn't want Skei to find out. I doubt he'll find out soon seeing as he never comes on Blogger.
.
Right, remember Skei's cousin was texting me (I re-named him Chavvy-Mc-C in my head for a while..)
He is, well basically, in love with me.
Yeah, Okay, HOW THE FUCKK?? Why do I make people love me? He called me the other day because I was trying to convince him that I would eventually fuck him up, he thought I didnt like him at all. I do, really I do, which I hate so much. And we had a really nice conversation. My mum was out so I didn't have to worry about being loud, and we made each other laugh, and the weirdest thing is...
He's just like Skei.
He's tried to kill himself, Cut himself in the past, Blonde hair (Skei is more mousy brown now), blue eyes (Skei's are blue, brown and green), 6'1(Skei's 6'), muscly (Skei has a faint 8 pack), and finally the weirdest of them all...
They sound insanely similar.
I nearly told C when we were on the phone together that he sounded like Skei, decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend coz he's getting paid then, and I'm busy this weekend anyway.
But Shit.
Now I'm probably gonna have to choose between them. (fuckshitarsemonkeymerdeficktwatt) I've never felt so loved, in a bad fucking way.
.
Skei will be telling me sometime today if he's allowed over on Sunday, I'll probably jump on him... Speaking of... I impulsively kissed him the other day. Oh my days, the way he just sorta stared into space for about 5 minutes after was like, 'dude? wtf?' but when he snapped out of it he gave me that smile that melts my face every time! Damn him!
Later he said, 'no more surprise kisses!'
'Why?'
'Because'
'Because Why!?'
Took a while to get it out of him but he said,
'It's distracting!'
I'm distracting? Wow! I'm distracting, Huh.
(Ohhhh Shiiiit I've just been given a HUGE amount of chocolate, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to EAT THEM ALL FUCKFUCKFUCK!)
But I have issues XD I have to choose between someone who I (at the moment) keep falling in love with again and again (Skei) or fresh meat who's seemingly hot and incredibly nice (C)...
Shit.
I love you.
x

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
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Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Ergh.
Seriously Sick.
.
We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
.
Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
.
I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
.
But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
SHE HAD SOUP FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!
HAHAHA
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
.
147
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
WHOOPDEY DOO!
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
OH.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
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Life.
Sucks.
ARSE.
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It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
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And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
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I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
DAMN IT!
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G'Bye.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...
x

"Yo Mother FUCKERRR I'm Gonna Be Ripped Blud!"

Ahhh... Right I dont know where this blog is going but hey, We'll see aye?

.

I had a dance audition yesterday.

About 3 hours of dance.

I can feel it in my thighs.

Kinda my arse too...

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My arms haven't gotten smaller.

I can feel a bit more muscle though...

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My birthday Is about 2 weeks away...

I dont have to time to be turning 16.

Or having a party.

My Gran is going to book an appointment or something at a spa for us in the half term as my birthday present.

Opting for the ditoxifying kelp/seaweed wrap type thing...

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I ache. Alot.

Can barley breathe because of the pain in the back of my ribs.

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I dont know if I've lost anymore weight.

Doubt it.

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I have a audition for the school Christmas show.

I should be learning a song for it, but cba.

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I've just realised this is a very mono-toned list of things.

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I am actually sleeping, its not as broken up, but I'm now waking up at 4 in the morning and falling asleep again.

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I've tried to do 10 starjumps every morning to up my motabollism...

Didn't do it today.

I've only had a bowel of yogurt and a cup of coffee.

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I'm debating the pros and cons of being with Skei.

We've both got doubts that we'll last.

I'm going to find this decision hard.

.

.

.

.

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Fucks sake.

I may have to take some time?

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
ONE YEAR ANAVERSARY!
With Skei btw XD
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Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
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Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
Correction.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
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I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
I mean OMG! I GOT FULL MARKS AND CLOSE TO FULL MARKS??
NO WAYYYYY!!!
:D
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
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the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
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Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
G'bye!
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)
x

Little Rant From G

Hello, this is G.
Kodii's other personality.
Yes I am a guy.
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I have to rant right now before I attempt to kill Skei or hurt this body.
Right, I'm seriously gonna start head butting things if Skei doesn't listen to me and keeps going on and on about being a fuck up. Yes, fucking well done you're a fuck up. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
He fucking says he's had the money and ideas to make things up to Kodii but he goes and spends it on drugs coz he's scared she wont like it. Aren't relationships all about taking chances and trying your hardest to show how you feel? He just hurts Kodii more by taking all these fucking drugs, trying to hide it, then Kodi either finds out or he accidently tells her.
Heres a few promises he's made to her.
-Stop smoking
-stop drugs
-stop cutting
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And guess what, he still does them all but has cut back on cutting. then he threatens me that if I touch him again he's going to break my neck. Haha, brilliant, trying to get back at me when I'm defending his girlfriend and I'm actually in her fucking body. Brilliant, brilliant threat right there.
And he decides that we dont love them. Obviously I do since I uh fucking proposed to one of Skei's other personalities! Obviously Kodii does seeing as she uh, gave him her virginity, draw things for him every few weeks, tries to celebrate every month anaversary... you get the idea.
And now with him saying shit like this, Kodii wants to kill herself. Again. You know, three times she's been talking to him in the process of killing herself. Every time she;s stopped short of it just to apologise to him for everything she's done.
My God.
She's managed to stop cutting herself for a few months now and is screaming at me to end it for her (I'm not going to just so you know.) And now I have a feeling Skei is SLEEPING in HER BED.
.
He hasn't spoken for a good hour now so I'm guessing he has.
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My list of today is
3 things you hate the most.
1 technically not exhisting
2 only exhisting in Kodii's body and mind
3 The way Kodii is treated by, I dunno, fucking everybody?
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Thank you for letting me rant, hopefully next time Kodii will be back to post.
If not, Either me (G), Syke or Ana will post and tell you how she is and whotnot.
Fucking good bye.
Cross your fingers I dont kill anybody!
x

I'M BEING CHECKED OUT??????

Ahahahahaa!!

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My God I never thought I'd say that!

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Okay it started at the wedding where I got drunk, the two guys around my age who I got friendly with (thanks to Skei) later in the night (After being rather wasted and T puking a rainbow XD) told me they were both proper checking me out when they first saw me and were doing their weird little signal to eachother meaning they thought I was hot.

.

Oh.

My.

GOD!

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I've never been checked out before! They said they thought I was like 18 (urhh like 2 and a bit years off bbe XD) and the reason they thought I was hot was coz..

-I have nice legs

-I looked cool in my skinnies

-I have a nice bum

-I have a nice face

-I have big boobs

I mean SERIOUSLY?? 2 guys thought(well think..) I'm hot?? And haha... I slept in the same bed as T and Skei... Both in their underwear... teehee ^-^ I feel slightly whore-ish (Yeah Peri You have a point ;]) And T was the Hot one.. G was the short shubby one. Who's room I got changed in before we even spoke XD He was shocked when he found that out. And I was the first girl to stay in his room ;) PAHAHA! I'M SO COOL! XD

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And today in Iceland (the food shop..) This kinda hot guy was checking me out when I was standing with my Gran (PAHA!) I guessed he was checking me out because he was looking at me until he passed me. And he made full 3 second eye contact with me.

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Corr... Am I hot now??? Wow. I don't feel it... But I like the attention XD

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Anyway. I was shocked when I saw the increase in Followers. FANKS PrettyWreck<3>(Btw can someone tell me how to link to other bloggers on my blog? I'm sucha retard)

.

And to whoever likes lists... I LIKE THEM TOO!

Todays list!

5 Favourite possesions. Not people... You don't own people. Well... I don't myabe you do?

Anyway..

1Laptop<3

2My only size 8 shorts

3My Huge comfy trainers that are battered

4My phone...

5My little stuffed toy dog Poppy :3

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WOO!...

?

I dont know.

One final notice... I'm going to attempt to fast. Yeah. Not much hope really, aspecially for 5 days... BUT I WILL TRY HARD

Ah...

Well... Sayonara <3

x

I Live For You Guys Now

Hey everyone.

Right first, thanks for the comments about my drawing :) and yeah I LOVE OHSHC too, I've watched them all and now reading them XD

And the picture today is a really old one I gave to Skei for Christmas or his borthday... Or randomly I cant remember.

But onto todays antics.

I tried to kill myself again.

I know, brilliant aint I? Although I dont think I'll die on 10 pain killers (5000 mg or whatever), I've taken more variety before but maybe I'll wake up dead. Who knows! If I dont post tomorrow, I died.

Reason for another attempt suicide: Skei

Again. I know. Now, its my fault he's grounded for the rest of summer (4 weeks) because I said I wanted my stuff back, he took it as 'I wanna break up' he fucked off without trace and got high, attempting to kill himself too, my mum alerted his family to his non-exhistance and yeah. He's home now, hopefully not dead. If I find out he died, I'm deffinetly jumping off of some form of cliff or high building or stepping out onto the motor way.

My mum's taking me over to his tomorrow to get my things I wanted back (great chance to talk to him) and my mums gonna butter up his family into letting me go over to his occationally and let him come to a comedy gig in like 2 days. I haven't seen Skei in a week (well over really) so I really need contact with him (physical -as in kisses - nothing dirty you naughty people). Mostly, I just wanna hug. 4 weeks he'll doubtfully be sleeping over mine again, so I might just kill myself anyway coz I have no friends, except Manny but he'll be fine.

My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my back hurts and I dont wanna sleep, watch t.v or anything. I just wanna hear Skei's voice again.

Oh yah! Doesn't help that todays OUR ANNAVERSARY.

Everything shit happens on our anaversarries.

11 months btw.

God, I hate God. He should go die in one of those dog shit bins. Seriously.

Right I dunno what I'm going to do, probably sort out what I'm gonna give Skei tomorrow (coz he's left stuff at mine he needs) and balls...

Stupid therapy tomorrow morning. Fucks sake. I'm gonna talk to her about subscribing me pills, I really need them. I feel like one of those dog shit bins constantly.

Woo. I'm a dog shit bin.

And I'm still fat, even if I'm someone's goal weight, I'm still huge.

And I realised something whilst reading Yum's blog.

I wanna look sickly too... Which is kinda scary.

Maybe I'll know when to stop?

Either way I'm gonna die sooner or later.

I love you, You're my sunshine on a shitty dog bin-ish day!

x

Ahh Some Days XD

Hello Evereh Bodeh :)
Before you start wondering 'Who drew that crappy picture over there?' Yeah it was me. XD
I'm proud of it, so I don't care if someone doesn't like it coz I actually drew it XD so yes.

I have something to say to Fat Ballerina and Thumbellina.
@Fat Ballerina
I love you. Seriously. Made me giggle that you quoted a bit to me, made me smile too so thank you ;)
@Thumbellina
You're comment made me want to cry XD in a good way though. That's a really good idea, trying to find something beautiful in each day, I'll be trying this! Your comment was today's beautiful thing :) I felt loved ^-^ and don't worry, I understood every word.

That's really all I wanted to say. Except Skei is shit at remembering to call me -.-
Oh well.
x

I Am SPARTAAA! Oops.. I Mean Ill. [50 something]

My God. I haven't posted in donkey's years!
O.O
Okay.. a few days.. but still.
.
HEY!
I'M FINALLY AWAY FROM THE EX BULIMIC!!
WHEYHEYYY!!!!!
AAANND
I convinced my mum I'm perfectly fine and do not have bulimia...
*grin*
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BUT I got ill.
*boo hiss!*
And I got myself another apointment at the doctors to hopefully speed up the waiting list at that mental health place.
-I still see and hear things that arent there
-I've tried to kill myself some more
-I've cut myself some more
-I inflict pain on myself when I'm pissed off (usually head butting walls..)
-high street pills DONT HELP WHAT SO EVER
-I officially hate everything
-I officially dont care about my own safety
-I still cant sleep
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So the conclution is:
Gimme some fucking pills and send me to a psychiatrist. Fiona specifically asked if there was a psychiatrist at this mental health place and I was like 'I have no idea', she said that she has/had ( i cant remember which) one and it really helped.. I'm guessing its different to counselling?
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Oh yeah my weight has been fluctuating between... 10st 10 lbs (150lbs) and 10st 5 lbs (145lbs) which pisses me off. I am on the SG diet though...
Wish me luck considering I'm such a fat slag.
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Oh I was told something strange by Skei the other day... That loads of people tell HIM that I'M pretty. Thanks for the notice. Why do people tell everyone else that they're gonna beat me up or that I'm pretty and dont gove me the news? Half the people I dont even talk to, a third I've never met, One I've only met a few times and the last time I saw him I was soaking wet from the rain and the others were friends who occationally say I'm pretty or have NEVER told me that. And apparently Skei's bestfriend Tomis in love with me.. Well I doubt he's in love with me but hes a really great guy who I've let groap me and I've kissed before... The groaping was before I went out with Skei and I was trying to cheer him up XD hahahaa I have weird ways of cheering people up!

Huuh... Well I'm done. I'm bored.
I might ditch school again tomorrow.
Depends.
I LAAAAVEE YOUU
and to the new followers
WELCOME BITCHES
We should get drunk sometime!
Ignore that.
I lave you anyway XD
x