Wrap Up Warm, It's Getting Cold, Don't Let Me Go, Don't Let Me Fall...

Evening One and All.
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I have exams for the next few days, it's fucking freezing, I had a bad day over all, and I have alot of Diploma work to do.
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I have today found out the extremely of my bad circulation. Waiting outside the sports hall for my Maths exam this afternoon, I was so effing cold. I had my hands up my sleeves shivering my arse off when Lii pointed out my lips were purple.
My. Lips. Were. PURPLE!
I may talk to my mother about going to the doctor about this circulation issue I have... What do you think? Wouldn't give anything away would it?
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I also woke up 5 minutes before I had to leave the house this morning. I managed to get half dressed (well, dressed but with out the extra layers I desire..), half-do make up (green eye liner. That was all) and shove my anthology (a book of poems for my English exam) and phone in my bag. I didn't even brush my hair. I did manage to brush my teeth, even if I didn't have time I would have MADE time.
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I've started my fasting again. Yeah I died after last Wednesday. Back at 150 odd lbs. Fuck me, yeah? But I'm determined this time because the snow is completely gone (thanks to cunt-ish rain) and I'm at school all week. I'm also going to Germany on Friday! :o I need to get my clothes and etc ready for then. I WILL NOT EAT.
.
Now Kodii, repeat after me. I will not eat.
IWILLNOTEATIWILLNOTEATIWILLNOTEAT.
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I'll tell you what made my day though.
Lii's mum walks about in exams making sure no one cheats etc. and in the middle of my citizenship exam her phone went off! I was at the back of the hall so I could see her really well, she pulled a face and whispered 'Sorry It's Me!' and me and King just looked at each other and tried not to burst out laughing. All the other invidulators got up thinking it was a student (we're not that stupid, give up some credit!) HA MADE MY DAY.
.
Um. Yes.
I think that's it again.
.
I think i might start ending my posts with thinsperational lyrics...
If I can be bothered I will try it!
.
'She Could Be The Model Type, Skinny With No Appetite'
x

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
ONE YEAR ANAVERSARY!
With Skei btw XD
.
Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
.
Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
Correction.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
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I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
I mean OMG! I GOT FULL MARKS AND CLOSE TO FULL MARKS??
NO WAYYYYY!!!
:D
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
.
the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
.
Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
G'bye!
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)
x

Currently In A Good Mood (I Know SHOCKING!)

Ah, I've decided for the next 4 months and 3 days I'm going to try and get a calorie deficite of minimum 500 calories. Because if I can maintain that minimum for the 4 months and 3 days I will apparently loose EIGHT-TEEN POUNDS!!! And instead of being horrible 150lbs I'd be 132lbs!!
.
So right now I'm going to try the negative-calorie diet until I start school, then I'll go on either MY SGD or the oridginal one! Apparently I burn over 1500 calories just LIVING, so the negative calorie diet for 8 days should be of good use, and when I go on the SGD (which lasts around 20 days) I'll eat lots of fruit and veg especially the negative value ones XD
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WOOHOO!
I'LL BE SKINNY FOR NEW YEAR!!
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Oh yes and I told myself to be truthfully honest with you guys about my new (real) measurements. So here we go...
Neck - 13
UpperArm - 11
Elbow - 9.25
ForeArm - 8
Wrist - 6
Bust - 37
Underbust - 34
Waist - 31
Hipbones - 36.5
Hips(ArseArea) - 37.5
Thigh - 18.5
Knee - 13
Calf - 13
Ankle - 8.75
Weight - 150 lbs
.
Is it weird that my neck is the same as my Knee and Calf?? But Woot! I'm loosing inches from my rib area (underbust) before it was probs 38?
But My inches goals to obtain by New Years are only a couple of inches different, and kind of realistic to the goal weight loss and the shape of my body. I think the biggest inch difference in my goals is for my waist at only 3 inches. And my arse area takign away about 2.5 inches so hopefully it'll be do able XD
Does it sound realistic?
.
Meh anyway I'll just leave now :)
Shit... List... x.x
Uhm..
3 current goals you have, doesn't have to be related to weight loss XD
1 lose minimum 15lbs by new years
2 get high grades in my GCSE's
3Get into a good college
.
FIN!
X

I'm Back Petite Uhm... Compain! [48]

Oh My Gawd.
I'm back!
.
Busy Busy weekend :3
for once.
OMG I'M POPULAR! Well not really, I only saw 3 people. But hey at least I saw some people! Now I feel all gross and in dying need of a LONG COLD SHOWER.
.
Right heres the basics.
I went over Manny's housee :D we went up the shopp... I had an icecream >.< and bought two coke zeros <3
Then Skei turned up like 2/3 hours later. We stay over Manny's after managing to sweet talk Manny's mum and get passed my mums HUGE mood with me for not texting earlier...
The next day We all went up the shop again but this time Joe came along after he got pissed the night before (pfft, I never get pissed. I have no life) had another fucking ice cream aaaand some of Manny's milkshake.
Theeeeennn Manny got his sister to take me and Skei back to my housee and we yeah, he stayed over.
In fact he just left thanks to his fucker of a dad. I dont like his dad. A coke addict, and I dont mean the beverage coke. Yeah full on COCAINE.
Yes well because of the heat I'm sure I've woken up in a different country. STILL haven't tanned my legs, fucking sun, and am becoming more and more tempted to start going for walks again and tae regular cold showers. OMG I might take one everyday which will burn calories and make me skinny! XD Okay, Plan.
As soon as I've finished this post I'm going for a cold shower for about... 30-40 minutes. Plus mayyyybeeee 20 more minutes to wash my hair? I'll just time an hour XD
for every degree my temperature goes down I burn 200 cals... How the fuck am I going to measure the temperature of a shower?
.
But the main point here is I haven't done my English for tomorrow, I've eaten badly and only have 3 days to lose 3 pounds. Three day fast it is!
.
3 day fast
cold showers
If I must eat, have an apple.
Exercise. I don't care if I'm not supposed to! I WILL!
And clean my room. Its a tip.
.
There's my weekend update!
Oh and surprisingly I haven't gained from my bingey fest weekend!
WOOP
Iloveyouu<3
x
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P.S Spell checker. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

Warning. Bad Language In Selected Post. [47]

I hate school. Clicheeeeee.
But really. I hate school. It makes me feel like an idiot even though I'm sure I have a reasonably good IQ.
.
Bad day. Very bad day.
God I have such drastic mood swings don't I?
*Sighhh* Well remember I said I have a Science exam today?
Yeah well, I'm supposed to be doing the higher papers.
But once again, they put me in foundation (the 'Not-so-smart' paper).
I had a fit. Again.
I really need to control these frickin' emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I went all out angry and shouted at every fucker who walks past, but I cry. I end up crying. Whats wrong with me?!
I had to walk about in front of basically my whole year coz I had no idea where my paper was. So I marched up to Mr. StupidPeadoFucker and asked if I was put of the fucking foundation again. He said Yes. Twat. So I calmly explained 'But I'm supposed to be doing the higher paper' and he just quoted what he said last time. 'Well lets just see how you do in the foundation.'
Cunt.
Scuse the extreme language. I am uberr PISSED!
Anyway.
I basically bit a hole in my lip, holding in my psycho rage. As soon as I left the exam hall I threw a paddy and tossed my calculator across the playground. I retrieved it later btw.
I spoke to one of my dumb-ass science teachers and he didn't answer my question of 'why did you put me in foundation when all my mock exams have been HIGHER?!' and I started crying.
He tolds me not to worry I could take it again if my marks are high enough.
But. That's not the point.
The point is you and Ms. Fucking Priss cant make your minds up about weather I'm smart or just as stupid as the fucking rest of my class! And tbqh. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM AGAIN.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TAKE THEM AGAIN YOU TWATS!
WHY COULDN'T I TAKE THE HIGHER EXAM??
YOU HAD FUCKING LOADS OF SPARE HIGHER PAPERS!
I WAS HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE YEAR(including Kitty who was blaitz taking the higher paper. Fuck.Ing.Shoot.Me.)
AND YOU COULDN'T JUST PASS ME ANOTHER PAPER?
WTF
*Mental punch to the faceeee*
*Mental head butt!!*
*and an array of mental physical violence*
.
God I'm so tired now.
My mums pissed.
They've done it to me TWICE now.
Cunts.
*face plants keyboard*
*repeatedly.*
.
And reading your comments brightened my day.
Feel appreciated!
I love you guys too!
*face plants keyboard one more time.*
x

P.S a Pleb is basically an astonishingly dim person.
I'm obviously one of them.

Stupid Bloggers fucked up how many posts I've done! [44]

Hello Beautiful people!
(i.e. four whole followers!)
I'm a little proud that I have 4 followers XD
.
Today, I've been a good girl. I had soup for lunch and will have soup for dinner! I've done most of my German homework, and also prepared something to give to Skei to help him with his German speaking exam on Tuesday so I hope he appreciates it. I've attempted a bit of English work but cba to find the stuff I actually need to finish it!
.
Reasons I've been a bad girl though...
I had ice cream last night thanks to my bloody mother! I haven't even started an assessment for English which is due in two weeks but I have next weekend to cram stuff in. I haven't finished stage 4 for my citizenship class but I'll do that Monday night! I haven't followed my work out thingy but I'll try again next week.
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Some news:
Me and Manny are starting Tai Kwon Do [sp?] And Li might be joining us. We're doing it every Wednesday for a month at least coz its free for a month XD but I think I might continue it if I find it enjoyable!
I've found this stuff that stops stomach ache, heartburn and shizz like that including bloating! I've been sipping a glass of it since lunch so I hope maybe it'll help?
I'm well on my way to making a full Thinspo book but have currently got no glue ANYWHERE in the house! WTF!
I've spent hours recently cutting out pretty/thin women to stick on my thinspo wall but haven't gotten round to actually sticking them up.
.
Right now my stomach is gurgling!
Win!
I'm probably going to go psycho/OCD on my room in a sec coz its actually disgusting!
See you sexy people on the other side ;)
x

Fat People Porn X.X [41]

First off.
What's up with the title you ask?
Oh yeahh, well someone in PT posted a link to unthinspiration of rather fat women, some with gorgeous faces, but a couple were very fat and ugly, totally naked in porno poses.
ERGHHHH!!!
*shivers*
.
Moving on.
Fast.
Must fast.
I'm also beginning a 5 day week exersice regimine, I can exersice on weekends too if I loke (which I probably will if I'm not weighed down with homework..) but heres the thingy id you wanna try. I'll tell you guys id it works :)
.

Monday

20 sit ups

15 leg lifts

jog in place 30 seconds

40 knee lifts

.

Tuesday

50 jumping jacks

20 bicycla crunches

10 push ups

20 lunges

.

Wednesday

30 minutes of cardion of your choice

.

Thursday

20 mountain climbers

20 star jumps

20 calf raises

10 squat thrusts

.

Friday

jog in place 45 seconds

30 crunches

20 jumping jacks

20 side step toe touches

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and Skei. STOP READING MOST OF THESE! XD
not for your eyes
Moving on again.
FASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFAST
Goodnight:)
x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

*Sigh* [39]

I want to dissapear into the night.
Do you think I'll get away with that?
I need help.
In all manners.
I need help to stay away from things, I need help with work, I need help with stress, I need help with relationships... I need help with everything.
.
My solutions so far?
For One, Say I'm ill.
For two, getting Skei and my mum to help me with coursework.
For three, 'happy pills'.
For four... nothing. Unfortunetly.
.
My usual solutions are to take pain killers, smoke a fag and cut myself. Probably not the best idea but I couldnt care less.
.
I'm seeing improvements. Even though I'm no my period, I'm 147.5.
.
Yeah I have no enthusiasm today. I'm just annoied that I cant come up with places and ways to meet new people. Prefferably with more guys, coz I get along better with them. I'll have to Google some shit later.
.
I may breakdown before my exams take place from now on. I did before my German speaking. Apparently I got an A.
.
I want a fucking huge box. For all my stuff I dont want my mum to see. With a HUGE lock on it. I need to figure how to earn some money too. Or I shall be fucked. Dunno how. But yes.
.
Sorry, this post has been a bit all over the place in a depressed way.
I'll end this post with something Skei just said about me and my EDNOS.
'I'm worried about it, but I'm happy that its helping you'
Not sure what to think of that one.
x

[38]

I have no social life.
My fucking life is full of obsession.
I have no fucking friends I want to see outside of school.
I have no one I honestly want to see.
I am still not losing fucking weight.
I'm still a pig. Obese. Grotesque.
I'm failing at being a perfectionist.
I'm going to fail my exams.
I'm horribly stressed.
And Dean keeps shoving fucking food in my face!
Fuck. Me.
x

Ow. [36]

Hello All :)

.

Okay Today.. I facking hurt.

This week, disaster for losing weight. -.-

I have to start week two again but hey, I dont mind.

.

This wekk was great for spending some good time with my bootiful Skei. Today I thought I'd finally show you a picture of us! You know, Make it easier for you to picture us and whatnot!

.

I dont think I can take 7 more weeks of school. I'll probably shoot myself. I have a German Speaking Exam on the 9th [My fucking annaversary... 9 moths :)] English homework for Thursday and Sort out a folder for Friday at my Diploma >.<>

.

Skei started a Blog on here too... If you want, Check it out 'The Life Of Skeii'

thelifeofskei.blogspot.com

Bless Him :3

.

I do love him. I made him cry 3 days in a row! Bless. Yeah I wont go on... I might cry myself.

.

Skeii.... I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

.

End.

haha :)

Urhm. Well tbh I dont have alot to say!

.

Much Love to all Who read this XD

.

Honestly.

I love you

x

FML [31]

I hate birthdays.

My Garanddad's birthday today. 66 years old. HUGE chocolate cake. Had 2 pieces. Some healthier chinese food, a donette and a cookie. Bad, bad girl. At least tomorrow I'm only eating 100 cals tomorrow, I love the ABC diet. I'm not going into school either. CBA!! I wouldnt be doing anything interesting anyway. Stuck in Learning Support Unit all day sorting out work. Honestly, I can do that at home. This way I have all day to try to burn off the calories consumed today (somewhere in the 2,000 section >.<). I am honestly going to try really hard tomorrow, Saturday (even though I''m stuck in the capital for the day) and some of Sunday. I'll have to weigh and all that after mon lobly friends leave. Man, Li and Skei. Me and Li are going to put make up on man and Skei and do their hair and me and Li are going to be all man-ish! XD hahahahahahahaaa!!

.

I'm so weird.

We're going to watch 'Camp Blood' as well and take the piss at how craply made it is. Probably watch some of Scary movie aswell. I have like 5 scary movie films. They're good.

Anyway.

.

Like todays Thinspo? I dooo! Emma Watson. She is honestly, in my opinion, beautiful. She looks amazing in anything. From glitzy dresses and heels to jeans and trainers. Her face is elegant. Curves in the perfect places and the perfect amount of bustiness and hips. Jelous.

I'm staring an actual Thinspo journal. Filled with exercises. Well. So far.

.

Oh God. I still have to pack for next week. Skei is stuck sleeping with me for about 5 nights. And spending nearly everyday with me. He's gonna be so pleased. No seriously, He loves the idea! I just dont like the thought of showering at my mum's boyfriend's flat. Just weirds me out a little.

.

I've nearly got back to 149. One pound off. I can get rid of that by Sunday... right? Or more?

God.

Okay.

I'm actually knackered!

I'll leave you all at this.

Before I die on my laptop.

x

ABC Day 3 [30]

Okay, ABC, going well.

My current attitude to life? 'Lets Fuck Up Some People!'

I know. I've gone off the walls again. Breaking as many promises possible.

Ones I've broken:

Smoked again

Cut Again

Promises I'm Likely To break:

Smoke Weed with out Skei there

Kiss another guy

And The me inside has shrivelled and died inside me. Making me careless and hateful. And the ABC is giving me something to be good at since I am obviously a thick cow. Getting a D in Maths and a F in Religious Studies. Although I got 2 marks off a B in my German Listening exam and a C in my Science. I found out something amazing the other day. I can get bloated on 500 calories. I think it was the omelet. I don't really like omelets that much... I think that's what bloated me. Especially since I scoffed it.

I bought a book starring an ED! 'LoveSick'. i might write a review on here about it when I'm done. I also want to read 'Purge', the plot to both books seem very interesting to me, that's why I want to read them. Not just coz they're about EDs. I also watched 'Sharing The Secret' a little while back, I found it okay. A little too glamorised to me. I mean, even if your mum knew you were Bulimic, you wouldn't purge right in front of her! I found that a bit weird. But if anyone has a suggestion of a book of film about or including issues on EDs please tell me, I'm interested. It's a good distraction too! Haha!

God, People piss me off. Zanerr is amazingly oblivious at my times of need. Skei had a huge go at her for saying mine and his relationship has been shit for months (what does she know -.-) and she was going on and on saying things like, 'all I said was to treat her properly!' and when Skei said shes not there when her friends need her she totally miss took it as him. No one else, except him and said, 'You don't come to me with your problems!' he said something about a church (?) and she got the idea wrong there too. 'That's because you asked me out and I didn't want to go out with you!' but he meant the time he was dumped. And through all of that, she didn't even think that maybe I needed her sometime recently. My dog died and she didn't even acknowledge it.

Then there's some shit about when I hit Bambi really hard coz she kept hitting me and it fucking pissed me off, that her and that lot of people I don't like anymore were mimicking my twitches.

And earlier today, the emo lot basically invaded the Metal Head's space (yeah I hang with metal heads. Even though I'm not one for too much metal) for no apparent reason and were pissing us off standing over our bags. As I walked away I heard them say my name (pretty fucking loudly) and turn back round to say 'Huh? I heard someone mention my name?' they were all quite and looked at me. Prats. 'No? Fine, Whatever.' and went to have a toke.

I nicked good ol' Lee's fag. well one of them. A straight and not a rollie this time. I almost forgot how great it felt to smoke! corr, relaxed me!

but anyway. I think that's all I want to rant about today. I may go into some in depth detail next blog about something. I dunno what yet. Ha.

*Sigh*

Good Luck All

With Weight Loss, Life and whatever else there is in your busy, busy lives!

x

I Hate Myself. [28]

Fuck.

I hate myself.

I've gained 5 lbs.

I know. I deserve to die. I obviously can't fast. I'm a shitty faster and have let down my ana buddie on PT. I'm sorry! I'm pathetic and useless!!

I almost killed myself yesterday because of all the weight I've suddenly gained again. Skei said its muscle because of my exercises. But its obviously not. I barley exercised this week. And I binged like a cow. I'm working on losing the weight again. God, I cant believe myself! AHH!!

But I'm doing more. Trying to force myself to do my daily sit an push ups. Yesterday I walked quite a bit. Picking bluebells and whatnot. And once Skei left I ran back to my house and round to where the fire is, outdoors, and did 30 star jumps and 12 pushups. So I'm hoping I'll lose the weight fast if I restrict my food again. And since I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet on Monday, it'll hopefully work well. And its only about another week until the Pictures are due again! Christ.

After next week is half term. I'll make Skei come out with me around town nearly everyday to keep me moving. And if I buy food I'll only have a bit then give him the rest. Simples.

Oh fuck.

I have to fast on the Wednesday and I honestly dont know how I'm going to get that past my mum and her boyfriend. Balls.

Skei definitly knows now.

Yes he knows I have a crazy ED.

Yet he doesn't quite seem to get how serious this is. But oh well. He might get it if I gain more weight or get to my goal weight of 112 lbs. Which is like centuries off. Sad face.

Ahh. Life sucks, aye?

Yeah It really does.

I have more exams next week. I know. They dont stop. If anyone wants to join me on my ABC diet feel free to comment me. I have about 4 right now. But hey, more diet related ones would be good!

just ask for email :)

I get lonely. HAHA!

bye bubas

x

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.

Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.

Somethign along the lines of...

excuse me?

you answer it youself

please write it again but in English

and 0.0218736

Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.

My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!

I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!

Jesus.

I'm so Fucked.

x

Result!! [26]

I'm Just Going To Sit Over Here,

Under My Cloud Of Failure,

In A Puddle,

Of Fuck.

Whey heyy! Right the weight loss competition is going well for me so far! More determined to lose :)

Oh the temptation of today... Dean's gorgeous cocolate spread sandwich and jam sandwich. Offering it to me, my mouth watered. Skei jumped in and snatched the sandwiches out of my grasp and reminded me 'You're on a fast!' his cheeky grin I wanted to slap off of his face! He scoffed them down in seconds! I would have savoured them, the way they deserve. This morning a grabbed a packet of crisps from the bag and shoved it, very obviously-trying to make a point to both my mother and gran, in my school bag. Although when I got round to it, I tossed it towards Dan who looked surprised and shrieked 'CRISPS!' Boys are great hoovers. Its why I hang out with them, they dont take took much notice if you're on a diet. They notice if you haven't got food, but not if you give your food to them. My new descovery. I shall daily take some food sorce to school, then throw it at whoever takes my fancy. Well... Not my FANCY, but whoever walks past at the right time.

These days I have little friends. Bambi, yes the one who said she'd be there for me who hasn't been, called me a prick today. Cow. It was because I stole my bestfriend, Manny's calculator. For a laugh. Jesus. He gets her involved as I put it down my top and she started shouting at me that I'm a prick for not giving it back to him. HA! Says her. She shouted at me last week for being depressed! If one of us is the prick, it's definitly her. So I told her, 'Its nothing to do with you so fuck off! And you're a prick yourself!'

Its honestly pathetic how everyone verbally attacks me. Out of the 180 students in our year, the majority of them choose me. Fuck off!

FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!!

AHHHHHHH!!

But hey ho. I've lost more weight :D Which I was singing about today at lunch and Skei looked proud of me, or atleast pleased for me. And good ol' Dan said 'Good on you!'. I feel a little bit loved. So my totaly loss? You ask?

11 Pounds :D
I'm now 149 lbs.
RESULT!

although I have exams all week near enough...
Suckishhh!!

P.S. My arse still doesn't fit in that dress!!
x

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.

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Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.

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My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.

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I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.

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In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??

Oh Crap.

x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

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Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

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That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

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I feel loved.

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We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

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My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

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Corr.

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I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

Hmm.. :/ [15]

Not eating much. [WHEYHEY] but eating choclate and sweet things..

oh well. I should burn some of it by cleaning my room and going for a walk to pick flowers for Sparkie. Sorted things out with Skei too. One Less thing to worry about.

I think my weight is the main problem with me. Its like fat girls and tall skinny guys punch things. Not skinny little bitches. Oh how i hate them. I'll be one soon. Or some when.

I hope to loose at least 7 pounds this month. since i lost 8 last month.

I realised something the other day. I was flicking through diet blogs and pro-ana ones [I find them interesting okay?] and i found a few girls are really quite big :/ like 12 stone kind of big at, like 5 foot 4. I just think 'I'm 5'7" and I'm not that heavy!' which makes me feel better about myself.

so does watching supersize vs super skinny and all that sort of thing. And I remember in year 9 I think, We watched 'Supersize me' about this weight lifter dude in America who decided to eat nothing but mcdonalds and do no exercise. It was HORRIFIC! He threw up after eating a supersize portion of some kind of burger, And found a HAIR in I think a drink of his.

ERRGGG!!!

Definitley puts you off food.

Almost for life.

Definitly fast food and meat.

Ergh.

Skanky.

But moving on before I vom. I shall hopefully be doing more. I might pick flowers more often.

OH OH OH!!

My 8 month anaversary on Sunday!!

Then Im seeing a comedia on Monday ! WOO!

although I've got exams next week and the week after :/

Balls...

well i wish you Guys the best of Slimming!

;)

I do love you.

O'course, If you follow...

I'll marry you ;]

x