154.6

Right. I've dropped 5.2 lbs since last Wednesday, but I have a really bad feeling about today that I'm going to gain or something.
I'm so proud of myself that I've managed to lose so match with, reasonably, little effort. Although this next week, starting on my update day, I think I'll bump up the exercise. I may even convince Grace to take me clubbing with her. Although it may be a Tranny bar, but hey, they more dancing the better!

So on my Tumblr blog, I've asked my followers and whoever else to send me messages (which are depicted on a post) so I'll do some exercise. Coz I feel mega guilty for some reason.

I think tomorrow I'll skip breakfast, lunch and have a small dinner of soup then that will be it, to kick start week 2.

I may even log on to Pretty Thin again to find some workouts to do...
Or use some old one's I printed months ago.

hopefully, I'm still losing.

<3

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
.
I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
.
I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
.
I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
.
I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
.
I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
.
I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
.
Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
.
I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
.
'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

"Yo Mother FUCKERRR I'm Gonna Be Ripped Blud!"

Ahhh... Right I dont know where this blog is going but hey, We'll see aye?

.

I had a dance audition yesterday.

About 3 hours of dance.

I can feel it in my thighs.

Kinda my arse too...

.

My arms haven't gotten smaller.

I can feel a bit more muscle though...

.

My birthday Is about 2 weeks away...

I dont have to time to be turning 16.

Or having a party.

My Gran is going to book an appointment or something at a spa for us in the half term as my birthday present.

Opting for the ditoxifying kelp/seaweed wrap type thing...

.

I ache. Alot.

Can barley breathe because of the pain in the back of my ribs.

.

I dont know if I've lost anymore weight.

Doubt it.

.

I have a audition for the school Christmas show.

I should be learning a song for it, but cba.

.

I've just realised this is a very mono-toned list of things.

.
I am actually sleeping, its not as broken up, but I'm now waking up at 4 in the morning and falling asleep again.

.

I've tried to do 10 starjumps every morning to up my motabollism...

Didn't do it today.

I've only had a bowel of yogurt and a cup of coffee.

.

I'm debating the pros and cons of being with Skei.

We've both got doubts that we'll last.

I'm going to find this decision hard.

.

.

.

.

.

Fucks sake.

I may have to take some time?

It's A Skirt! We Don't Live In The 1930's Anymore!

My God.
I was spoken to about my skirt at least 5 times today for it being apparently too short.
.
Frankly. Up yours!
.
I'm tall. Not my fault my skirt goes 5 1/2 inches above my knee! Ooohh Thigh! What ever shall we do!?
Fack Offfffffff!
.
Okay, whether you want to hear it or not I'm going to tell you coz, well, this is MY BLOG. Full of all sorts of SHIT.
.
Anyway.
First My head of year said that my skirts too short, I told her that the waist band of the skirt is in the right place, so I can't help it! (they're long waisted skirts with pleats at the bottom)
Then when I went to ask Mrs. K if I could borrow a jumper for the day (coz apparently my cardigan just wasn't good enough...) she mentioned my skirt was a bit short (A BIT!) and I explained the waist band thing, and she just agreed and said, yeah, it was because I'm tall. So she was happy about it coz I actually can't do anything about it.
Then when I was going to my first lesson, the 2 head of years (same woman from last time and a bloke) said I should do something about my skirt, I said something like 'Well I said before, It's at the right place, I'm just tall' then the bloke chipped in and said 'looks like its been rolled up to me!'
Fuck off.
I actually lifted my school polo shirt to show him it wasn't. Then the woman said 'well pull it down a bit' I did sort of but the way they're made, you cant really do that. And she kept telling me more as I walked off, but as soon as I was out of her sight I moved it back coz it was really uncomfortable where it was, and made absolutely no difference.
The going into Science my MAN teacher (Mr. SPF actually...) said to sort my skirt out. I said I cant. I'm tall. He turned round and said, 'You getting a new one?'
Fuck off.
THIS IS NEW ARSE HOLE!! And cost my mum more than a tenner! (£10 if you're wondering) And I'm quite sure she's not going to replace it! Specially since its new, and they all come in ONE LENGTH.
Twats.
Then Lunch ended, I walked past the woman Head of year AGAIN and as I was just about out the door she said, 'better think about that'
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
.
Think about a skirt? No thanks, I've got better things to focus on, like, I dunno, my COURSEWORK!? That time I just ignored her.
I'm going to tell my Therapist/Counsellor type lady that my teachers are now bullying me. Seriously, how many times does ONE teacher have to say something? Especially to me! They should know by now I'm above average on the intellect front and not an old age pensioner! I can remember what you said earlier! I may have done SOME damage thanks to those pain killers but nothing THAT serious!
.
I feel like bashing their faces in (Except Mrs. K who just accepted you cant do a lot about a skirt that's worn correctly but by a tall person.
Okay I'm not tall.
I'm taller than average in the UK. Which seems to make a lot of difference when you wear skirts and jumpers. So fucking hard to get the balance right!
God they would have had a field day if had decided to wear my black boots!! -.-
I mean I'm in my last year of school, I hardly ever do anything wrong (Only a few things and I get out of them easy) the only thing I don't follow like a fucking sniffer dog to coke is the dress code. I wear trainers to school. They haven't noticed. I wear skinny leg trousers to school, they don't notice. And what annoys me more is that I WAS WARY about wearing my skirt coz we had some strong breezes today, I was weary of flashing people! I held my fucking skirt to my legs for God's sake!
.
I had a compliment from Skei about my uniform.
Hot. XD
And my friend said that coz I was wearing long socks, I looked like a slut, but she didn't mean it in a bitter way! Just a comment, which I do agree on partly, But I didn't have any tights with out holes in so I just went for socks.
.
Wow. Who knew someone could rant so much about a fucking school uniform!?
I'm sorry.
How about something ED related aye?
In science we're doing things about healthy living.
Straight away we were told to calculate the amount of calories we use per day at school. Blimey, I've never been so interested in my life! Corr if I have to do an EXAM on this, I'm gonna rock the fuckin' boat and get a fucking A****** (not a possible grade before anyone point that out to me...) And all the fat people pictures and what happens to your veins and arteries if your obese stuff really put me off food. WHOOPEYY!
Oh and I've only eaten an apple and a custard cream. I think I'm starting to get indigestion... Suckishhhh
.
Urh right.
3 things you HATE about your school/college/workplace
1looks like a shit hole
2the teachers are NAFF
3The whole 'Skirt' thing...
.
I love you :)
x

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

Christ.
I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
.
I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
.
Right heres the story.
.
Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
.
But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
.
Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
.
Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
.
I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
Anyway!
I love you :)
x

Oh Fuck it!! [49]

I know it was supposed to be my 4 week weigh in but I dont see the point in showing you lot how fat I still am so I'm leaving it another 4 weeks.
.
Hope you dont mind XP
.
Right now I'm helping Skei with exercises he could do to tone his upper body. He doesn't like it so I'm going to help him healthily tone his body.
Atm I've got stuff like;
-bicep curls
-sit ups
-push ups
-triceps dips
-plank
-side plank
.
he want to tone and build some more muscle so I'm giving him a list for him to google if he doesn't know what they are. I think they'll work well if he does them a couple times a week. Right?
.
Arghh I have work experience next week. And the week after. Two weeks with out Skei Because the person who does my work experience is a friend of my mums, I'm staying with her. She's the ex-Bulimic. And most of the time she goes to a different job in the morning and then comes back home then off to her Dance school (which she owns and teaches) so I can fit in some exercise in the morning, not eat until she gets back then go to work with her, probably doing some form of physical work and I'll have to do some paperwork as well. So it should be good. I can have lyins and exercise and morning fasts. I have a feeling we'll end up having a take out within the two weeks! >.< either that or a crappy attempt at food! So I'll really have to work hard if I'm to burn off the calories from the shit I could possibly end up eating! Gawd. I didn't think of that before! Arse.
.
Hopefully I'll get away with it! WOO! :/
.
I'll keep posting occationally in the weeks though because I'm allowed to take my laptop up there (WIN!) and I'll have internet access.. I'll doubtfully go on PT in those two weeks though, you never know what people can do with computers. :/
.
I'm tired. But I dont want to sleep.
This week is basically DUE IN ALL HOMEWORK WEEK.
Bastards.
English Essay Thursday
German CourseWork Wednesday
Citizenship Stage 5 Tomorrow [I've done it so dont worry!]
.
*Sighh*
I'm going to fast better the next two days.
I have P.E. tomorrow as well.
OMG.
I had a dream about my P.E. teacher >.<
Twas weird.
XD.
.
I WILL DO THIS!!!
RUN FATTY RUN!!
(Me btw. I'm the fatty!)
<3

I'm Back Petite Uhm... Compain! [48]

Oh My Gawd.
I'm back!
.
Busy Busy weekend :3
for once.
OMG I'M POPULAR! Well not really, I only saw 3 people. But hey at least I saw some people! Now I feel all gross and in dying need of a LONG COLD SHOWER.
.
Right heres the basics.
I went over Manny's housee :D we went up the shopp... I had an icecream >.< and bought two coke zeros <3
Then Skei turned up like 2/3 hours later. We stay over Manny's after managing to sweet talk Manny's mum and get passed my mums HUGE mood with me for not texting earlier...
The next day We all went up the shop again but this time Joe came along after he got pissed the night before (pfft, I never get pissed. I have no life) had another fucking ice cream aaaand some of Manny's milkshake.
Theeeeennn Manny got his sister to take me and Skei back to my housee and we yeah, he stayed over.
In fact he just left thanks to his fucker of a dad. I dont like his dad. A coke addict, and I dont mean the beverage coke. Yeah full on COCAINE.
Yes well because of the heat I'm sure I've woken up in a different country. STILL haven't tanned my legs, fucking sun, and am becoming more and more tempted to start going for walks again and tae regular cold showers. OMG I might take one everyday which will burn calories and make me skinny! XD Okay, Plan.
As soon as I've finished this post I'm going for a cold shower for about... 30-40 minutes. Plus mayyyybeeee 20 more minutes to wash my hair? I'll just time an hour XD
for every degree my temperature goes down I burn 200 cals... How the fuck am I going to measure the temperature of a shower?
.
But the main point here is I haven't done my English for tomorrow, I've eaten badly and only have 3 days to lose 3 pounds. Three day fast it is!
.
3 day fast
cold showers
If I must eat, have an apple.
Exercise. I don't care if I'm not supposed to! I WILL!
And clean my room. Its a tip.
.
There's my weekend update!
Oh and surprisingly I haven't gained from my bingey fest weekend!
WOOP
Iloveyouu<3
x
.
P.S Spell checker. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

Fat People Porn X.X [41]

First off.
What's up with the title you ask?
Oh yeahh, well someone in PT posted a link to unthinspiration of rather fat women, some with gorgeous faces, but a couple were very fat and ugly, totally naked in porno poses.
ERGHHHH!!!
*shivers*
.
Moving on.
Fast.
Must fast.
I'm also beginning a 5 day week exersice regimine, I can exersice on weekends too if I loke (which I probably will if I'm not weighed down with homework..) but heres the thingy id you wanna try. I'll tell you guys id it works :)
.

Monday

20 sit ups

15 leg lifts

jog in place 30 seconds

40 knee lifts

.

Tuesday

50 jumping jacks

20 bicycla crunches

10 push ups

20 lunges

.

Wednesday

30 minutes of cardion of your choice

.

Thursday

20 mountain climbers

20 star jumps

20 calf raises

10 squat thrusts

.

Friday

jog in place 45 seconds

30 crunches

20 jumping jacks

20 side step toe touches

.
and Skei. STOP READING MOST OF THESE! XD
not for your eyes
Moving on again.
FASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFAST
Goodnight:)
x

Holidays -.- [35]

Wheyheyy Its Teh HOLIDAYS!

-.-

Skei says 'Hi'. Yeah, I'm showing Skei around my world of EDNOS! WOO! -.-

He's a little clueless :D

HAHA he had absolutely no reaction to me typing that either :3

but anyway.

Skei's making me fat -.- Well.. I've lost inches from my hips, thighs, upperarm, forearm and my wrists again. WTF!

seriously... I didnt think you could lose inches from your wrists!!!! ...

Skei just suggested I type 'I blame Skei' but I dont. I blame him for making my waist bigger again. Pig. Scoffing cookies. I only had 2. Probably good really. Hes still THINNER AND LIGHTER THAN ME! I hate him.

No not really.

Only coz he's a skinny mother fucker...

Oh God... "I'm only a skinny mother fucker because I've been where you are... I didn't like it... and went into overload." - Skei.

WTF!!

what does he mean 'where you are'! -.-

Bastard.

"Hating your body, do you understand"

Fucking yes I do.

Blaitantly.

SHUT UP! SKEI! I'M GOING OFF TOPIC!

Now where the fuck was I?

.

Oh Yeah. Skei wants a fucking Moomoos. Its a milkshake you get on the pier in Brighton. I want one actually. but. AHH!

probably, at maximum, 1500 calories. Minimum? Hmm... 800/900.

Skei thinks theres 2 calories in them. Tard.

Hes such a girl. Who likes kinky school girl fantasies.. even though hes 15. Ehem. He probably likes the sexy librarian too... Urhh >.< 'Oh yeah! Miss Duck!' - Skei

[That's our school librarian. With a nose that looks like a duck beak. 'Very sexy!']

.

Moving on.

Me an Skei are just cuddling in the spare room of my mother's boyfriend's flat. I should really give him a name... later. XD

But yes, Skei is in the girls position, leaning on my shoulder. But gets excited when I ask him to measure my bust but then gets disappointed to see the number go down an inch.

HA!

Oh yah! I named his penis Penelope x3

ahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!!

Sorry. You didn't need to know that! XD

.

.

I think that's it again

Oh

I'm seriously a mental case!

And made Skei cry!

He wants to start a blog too..

Bollocks.

Urh. Yeah.

Goodbye All :3

x

30/5/10 Update [33]

Yess its that dreaded day.

I have done slightly well though I must admit.

.

right so my HW was 160 lbs

whereas now I'm at a CW of 148lbs!

Thats nearly a whole stone!! Just 2 more lbs to go then I'm a stone lighter! Only 3 lbs to go to get to my next target weight! WHOOPEY!

.

And now for the measurements

.

Waist 30 [lost an inch]

Hips 36 [stayed the same-.-]

UnderBust 33 [lost an inch]

Bust 37 [lost an inch]

Upperarm 11 [lost 1/2 inch]

Forearm 8 [lost 1/2 inch]

Wrist 6.5 [lost an inch]

Thigh 19 [lost 1/2 inch]

Calf 13.5 [stayed the same]

Ankle 9 [same]

.

and I cba to do my neck.

And by the way... I didn't know you could lost inches off your wrists!! I thought they were going to stay the same the whole time!

.

Weeeiiiiiiird.

.

ABC diets working for me then ;)

Although next week is going to be a struggle...

I wont be posting next week coz it'll become obvious.

Unless I post in the room I'm staying in at night... Even is Skei sees it I dont care. He knows and he knows that if he tells anyone... Well... Lets just say I've had enough of him, yeah?

Today I'm on 300 calories... and I have friends Coming over. Balls.

.

Well

Thats all I wanted to say XD

Stay Strong Girls and Guys! :D

Until... Some Time Next week or maybe tomorrow morning... XD

x

.

P.S My BMI is now 23.2

and my Waist-to-hip ratio is 0.83 :S I'm at 'moderate Risk'

Fuck

x

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.

Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.

Somethign along the lines of...

excuse me?

you answer it youself

please write it again but in English

and 0.0218736

Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.

My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!

I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!

Jesus.

I'm so Fucked.

x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

.

Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

.

That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

.

I feel loved.

.

.

We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

.

My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

.

Corr.

.

I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

New Set Of Determination [16]

Right, New Determination.

This Month I hope to lose 5 pounds at LEAST!

Since I haven't been to school most the week, I need to start doing more. Its just I'm a lazy bitch and turned down going to the gym this week because I was too depressed. Next week I shall see if Mum wants to go to the gym or not, and in time of Nothing-To-Do I should do sit ups. I haven't done them in a while. Haven't watched t.v in a while either. Also I want to go and pick somemore flowers, make the house smell nice and all that.

I need to stick to my diet again. Shall start that tomorrow and not eat anything else today. Not even hungry at the moment.

I should clean my room... The most I need to do is put some clothes away, some in the washing and put my school books away. And some magazines too.
Theres something I can do tomorrow. Get out all the exercise and diet pages and put them somewhere, like in a folder or on the wall. Or make a huge thinspo on my wall.

Yeahh...

Sounds like fun.
I need to get a bin to put all the random paper thats lying around to recycle. I'll Do that in a second.

Right Thats About All Todayy

Bye All :)
x

4 week Updatee [12]

Hey Mon Babiess ;)
LOL
rightyy
heres the shizzlee

Weight: 10stone 12 pounds
before: 11stone 2 pounds
all together: 4 pounds!!
RESULT!!

Current Measurements
Waist: 31 inches
hips: 36 inches
thigh: 19 1/2 inches
calf: 13 1/2 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 34 inches
bust: 38 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 8 1/2 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

Oridginal
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches
Again. RESULT!!!
YESSS
haaaaaaaaa <3
righty i think thats all..
urm
bubii ;]
x

here come crazy PSYCHO BITCH! [10]

here's a little thinspo pic that i like :)
they have REALLY nice legs! <3

but anyway.

binged again -.-

fucks sake

its coz i was stressed in the i-must-eat sorta way -.-
well ill burn off extra tomorrow and eat blue berries and raspberry's tomorrow

i have p.e tomorrow too so there's quick calories gone. also the fags I've been having coz of the stress. fuck me.
done some yoga ish stretches today too. well like a second ago. coz i ache ALOT.

I've lost a pound. i measured this morning at 10 stone 12 pounds [YESSSSS!!]

okay I got home and i wasn't hungry then i had a jacket potato and i wanted toast and chocolate spread then had several digestive biscuits and chocolate -.- obviously my body likes the carbs and whatever chocolate is set as. but they are now CUT from the diet. even though theres a new loaf of brown bread I'm in love with..

i walked home again today though. yeah that's about all...

I can feel my little alter getting weaker coz I keep stuffing my fat face :/at the moment i really need her and my other one Syke or i may have a full on breakdown.

oh my god i really need a house party to go too. i have so much energy pent up that i need some way to release it. hm. or a concert :L i dance like mad at those! OMG in collage i can go to loads!that'll help me lose weight in a couple of years. reminds me, i need to think about packing, what I'm gonna take to my dads flat when i go to collage. i have a little over a year to do that though so its all good.

righty must be off. have nothing else to say XD
x

Fuckin' Hell.. [9 or so.]

i was too busy yesterday to blog. :/ sorry.

i must say that if i get anymore stressed and frustrated then i will either become obese or skinny. and be a full time smoking addict. and expelled.

but hopefully i can stop myself form eating too much [half the reason i didnt post, i was reli ashamed of myself]

right well breakdown over. decided to go with the chew and spit tacktic of fatty foods. like crisps. did it twice yesterday and licked the taste off of some today too.

but i ate 2 sweets.

i reli need to get a box or something to put all my little sweets that arent gum.

also trying the elastic band theory. hav it on your wrist and ping it when ever you get hungry. mehh. works ish.


i had toast when i got home [150 cals :O i couldnt believe how much in a fucking slice of bread!] and a cup of grapes [114 cals :/] and an orange this morning [62 cals] which is about...

326 cals.
fuck.
went over the daily ammount im allowing myself.
its better than yesterday tho
the chocolate spread didnt even hav the nutritional values on -.-

but will be getting strickter. and sneekier.

must remember to take crisps and shit to school make mum think i ate that.
then eat whatever my afternoon meal is through the 2 1/2 hours until i cant eat. [6:00 is my time limit] i think i worked off alot tho. relay in p.e was tiring so that should hav done it, if not then my walk home would hav helped too.

and the fags yesterday. since they apparently burn calories.

but fuck me. im such a pig.
i dont wanna take pictures next sunday :/ or monday depending on spare time i hav...

iv written everything out. exercises, food, extra calorie burners [which iv also done alot of]...

i think tomorrow ill live off of 2 bananas.
then tell my mum i ate crisps... and toast.. hm..

huh.. according to a rough estmate thanks to an online calculator i am burning 4,306 calories. well today. cool.

#6 I've Never Had Control, I Want It And I Dont Care How.

thats about it reliiiiiii
so yah
fuck my life as usual
x

AHHHH FUCKING BINGINGG!! [7]

omg.
right.
NO MORE BINGING.
NO VARIATION FROM MY ORIDGINAL DIET!!

right well iv gained 3 pounds :( thanks to the chocolate and other food.

so im making a drastic and strict change to my diet.

weekends i will fast.
in the week i can vary what i hav from my oridginal diet.
and try to fast on wednesdays too.
and im allowed the occational boiled egg.

NO chocolate
NO fast food
NO ready meals
NO big meals in general
NO potatoes or cereal anymore

cals in the food im going to eat.

boiled egg = 90 cals
apple = 81 cals
cucumber = 24 cals
banana = 108.5 cals
orange = 62 cals
carrot = 26 cals
1 cup strawberries = 43 cals
1/2 red pepper = 16 cals
20 blueberries = 16 cals
10 rasberries = 24 cals
1 cup grapes = 114 cals
1 cup lettuce = 7 cals

im going to try and keep my daily calories to 300 or less. and burn 1000 a day hopefully. then i should lose weight easily. i really need to start not eating the dinner my mum makes.

Ive done my masurements too..
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

gonna start moisturising and dancing in my room at weekends coz i can tell my skin needs the moisture :/ and all that jazz. so hopefully ill lose this extra weight this week...
*crosses fingers*

#[cant remember what number..] I'm A Hazzard To Myself. Only I Know That.

yess well wish me luck >.<

x

Cocolate is the DEVIL!! [6]

hm well iv been swaping and changing what im eating -.-

and not finishing alot of my food.


i really need to drink more water, im getting dehidrated and really hungry. WATER IS GOD CHOCOLATE IS THE DEVIL. mehhh
iv been craving chocolate too. i just ate about 6 pieces.. i need to remember to drink the healthy hot chocolate for my cravings. and more milk and shizzle to make me grow another inch or two. -.- im like RIGHT on the boarder of being classed as short in the modelling world [who knows what i wanna do when im older] so another inch or two would be great for me :) my ideal height is 5'10 anyway. three inches taller than i am now.


so im adding eggs to my diet. and milk coz the protine and calcium makes the bones bigger and stronger meaning ill grown taller. and some exercises. must sit up straight too =.=

Mon lovely friend Em complimented my legs today :) aparently i have lovely legs ^_^ wow! right im in the mood for some milk... ill get some in a bit, when im done here.

iv not been keeping to my diet too well but iv been keeping to the timing well. not eating after six. ahh... i duno what to dooooooo!! help meee :(

#3 I Think That If I Lose That Little Bit More Weight, You'll Love Me That Little Bit More.

well im off.
must keep moving some more.. *sigh*
wish losing weight was easy -.-

oh well.
x

fast=mehh [5]

right fast day didnt go well and last night i was so upset i binged on this peanut butter thingthat was like 350 calories! >.< i cant believe how many that is!

well i didnt eat until lunch. then i nicked half of someones chocolate spread sandwich -.-

when i got home i ate 2 packets of crisps [i kno i kno no control] a big bowel of cocoa nut yogurt, and a vegetarian sheperds pie.. pftt stuffed and will not eat from now onwards. coz its past 6 oclock.

looks like my fast days turn out to be binge days -.- fuckkk...

but i think my mothers convinced that im not throwing up my food afterwards. corr... i wish i didnt eat that much i feel sick now >.< this is why i prefer to be hungry. i dont feel obese sick!

right well iv mostlikely gone into the 1000s for calories today. maybe 1100?? not sure. i couldnt ask for an estimate of calories in the pie coz my mums suspisious.
so roughly 1100. :/
most days iv managed to keep it in the 200/300 section but today i definetly binged too much. tomorrow shall be STRICT!

OR I WILL NOT FIT IN THE BOOOOOOOTIFUL DRESS I HAVE

although i was VERY hyper today. might hav burned off around a 1/3 of what i ate? $ and walked home from the bus stop.. mehh tomorrow=STRICT!!!!!!!!

#2 I Compare Myself To EVERYONE Around Me. And With The Majority, I'm Fatter, And More Worthless In My Eyes.


AHH
i hate being fat -.-
and very under loved.
meh.

Bloggy Numerr 2

right. been binge eating basically everyday -.-

eaten too many calories so today and tomorrow i'm going on a fast to try and make up for it. specially since i've gained 1.5 lbs from my usual weight. then when i start school on monday i shall go back to my oridginal diet plan for a week then fast for a week. no one would like the idea so i've managed to come up with ways to make my mum think i'm eating when i'm on a fast.
eat in my room then give it to my dog
take snacks to school then give them away.

and i must drink lots of water coz i think im getting a sore throte :/ it hurrrrts >.<

weight: 11 st 0.5lbs

i hav a ribbon tied to my wrist that i want my waist to be like, im nearly there aswell :)



hopefully sometime soon ill be a size 10 :D coz i reeeeeeeeeelii wanna fit in this gorgeous dress ive hd inmy cuppboard for AGES and Skei thinks its pretty. god damn arse wont let me fit in it tho :/

mental note: look up exersizes to get a smaller arse.


uhh well thats all today. ill post tomorrow about how my fast has gone and my weight and shizzle :)

ill accept any comments or whatever XD follow?
and i could do with some support, yeah?

well see you sexies tomorrow ;)
x