Thursday, 29 July 2010

I have no idea what number this is... [?]

Christ I swear I'm beginning to get a phobia of the internet...
Actually I've been scared of talking to people on here and PT, I've been convinced that you'd judge me altough I know you wont!
HEY I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE MENTAL PLACE... on Tuesday... So yes. Took them long enough, My doctor agreed that I'd need some kind of anti depressant pills! I KNEW THIS WHY'D NO ONE LISTEN. Fucking.. Fucking.. FUCKS.
Oh yeah, to Peri and Fat Ballerina, Fannkss :) and Actuallyy... I've never seen that film.. I was ill and my brain was spazzed XD
but I swear I am BACKK!!
*sighh* Yeah I felt the need to tell you all that I'm not dead. Yet. And I think the only way I'm going to keep my appetite under control is to only eat one bowel of cereal then nothing but fruit and veg. And I am still waiting for my pedometer to arrive. But until it does I'm gonna have a go at going for a walk everyday considering I'm so lazy and walking is about as much effort I cant currently put in when I'm alone.
I swear I keep getting more followers!
Its pretty awesome!
I love you guys :3

Monday, 19 July 2010

I Am SPARTAAA! Oops.. I Mean Ill. [50 something]

My God. I haven't posted in donkey's years!
Okay.. a few days.. but still.
I convinced my mum I'm perfectly fine and do not have bulimia...
BUT I got ill.
*boo hiss!*
And I got myself another apointment at the doctors to hopefully speed up the waiting list at that mental health place.
-I still see and hear things that arent there
-I've tried to kill myself some more
-I've cut myself some more
-I inflict pain on myself when I'm pissed off (usually head butting walls..)
-high street pills DONT HELP WHAT SO EVER
-I officially hate everything
-I officially dont care about my own safety
-I still cant sleep
So the conclution is:
Gimme some fucking pills and send me to a psychiatrist. Fiona specifically asked if there was a psychiatrist at this mental health place and I was like 'I have no idea', she said that she has/had ( i cant remember which) one and it really helped.. I'm guessing its different to counselling?
Oh yeah my weight has been fluctuating between... 10st 10 lbs (150lbs) and 10st 5 lbs (145lbs) which pisses me off. I am on the SG diet though...
Wish me luck considering I'm such a fat slag.
Oh I was told something strange by Skei the other day... That loads of people tell HIM that I'M pretty. Thanks for the notice. Why do people tell everyone else that they're gonna beat me up or that I'm pretty and dont gove me the news? Half the people I dont even talk to, a third I've never met, One I've only met a few times and the last time I saw him I was soaking wet from the rain and the others were friends who occationally say I'm pretty or have NEVER told me that. And apparently Skei's bestfriend Tomis in love with me.. Well I doubt he's in love with me but hes a really great guy who I've let groap me and I've kissed before... The groaping was before I went out with Skei and I was trying to cheer him up XD hahahaa I have weird ways of cheering people up!

Huuh... Well I'm done. I'm bored.
I might ditch school again tomorrow.
and to the new followers
We should get drunk sometime!
Ignore that.
I lave you anyway XD

Monday, 5 July 2010

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
Right heres the story.
Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
I love you :)

Sunday, 4 July 2010

OMG 3 MONTHS?? [51]

Right. I doubt you all know this, but my birthday is on the 4th October.
Yeah, 3 months away.
Prepare for a melt down...
(in the UK I'm leagally allowed to have sex at 16 so PrettyWreck, like you said, SEX ME UP XD)
So get me presants XP
Nahh JK I 'm not gonna give out my address XD
But yes. I'm at work experience, The foods shitty I'm forced to eat more than ever and I done have Skei.
Warning. Melt down number 2.
BUT the plus is I have to get up alot and occationally join in in the little kids classes. And I will soon have a empty house lie in. So I can do exercises when I wake up and ect. ect. and blah blah blahh!
I tried to blog this morning, my phone wouldn't let me, so I got my computer/laptop thingy connected tot he internet JUST FOR YOU (jk so I could talk to Skei aswell!)
God facebooks getting into my brain again (you know, all the 'jk' groups?)
Huh well today one of the classes I was basically watching was a Grade 5 ballet, and there was this one girl who was so skinny, honestly I'd say she was anorexic, and her name was Anna. I thought that was pretty funny! But yanno, not.
Anyway, My multiple personality (Ana, the... Anorexic...) was a little pissed off to see that the real life version of her was blonde, tall and bubbly.
Thats all.
I promise I'll be skinnier!
P.S There were around 450 calories in ONE FUCKING SANDWICH!! It wasn't as bad as the ones with meat in, around 500 or more!!