Friday, 31 December 2010

Let This New Year Be What I Need To Change For The Better, Let Us Succed.

Ladies, put on your heels. Gentle Men, grab your smart shirts. Every one, pick up your bottles of vodka.
Its time to take on the new year.
I'm in a far better mood today because its time for a fresh start. It also helps that Skei called this morning after I called his house yesterday afternoon. And that the scales have decided to take pity on me, this last day of 2010 by telling my I'm 145.2.
My cuts stung in the shower this morning but heyo, 2011 is gonna be the year we all need!
Along with this post come my New Year Resolutions.
-Get down to 9 stone (126 lbs)
-(If I'm not happy or careless) Act happy and careless
-Exercise more often (5 days a week is good)
-Do well in my GCSEs and get into College
-Look fabulous all the time! XD
-Make more friends
-Go out more
-Help suicidal/depressed young people :)
What are your resolutions this year??
Right well I might start getting ready for this party I'm going to! I have a lot of primping needed. I hope you all have a FANTASTICAL New Year! I wish you all the best in 2011. I do indeed love you all dearly, and love you more if you're a frequent commenter ;)
I hope you all get drunk and stupid tonight!
I will be ;D
'I Can Die From The Dancing' - 3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything

Thursday, 30 December 2010


Stupid Over Thinking Brain.
Stupid stupid stupid irrational thoughts. Irrational but possible.
Skei hasn't been in contact with me in a week. I keep thinking of why, what could have happened, where could he be?
Maybe he's avoiding me, maybe he decided to stay at his Mum's place, maybe he's not allowed on the phone/computer, maybe he's cheated on me, maybe he over dosed on drugs, maybe hes in hospital, maybe he's dead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's going else where for New Year, maybe he's realised I'm not good enough, maybe he met someone better than me, maybe he's gone back to his old ways of drug dealing, maybe he's run away, maybe he doesn't have credit on his new phone, maybe he didn't even get a phone, maybe he got into a car accident on the way home, maybe he's been banned from seeing me, maybe he's been grounded, maybe he's fallen in love with someone else, maybe he couldn't handle me anymore, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
I hate this thought process issue. It snowballs, gets bigger and bigger, then turns to self loathing thoughts, then it turns to irrational ideas, then turns to what I would do if any of these where true... I dont want any of them to be true. He'd promised me we would spend this New Year together. If we dont then I cant forgive him. I told him a few months ago, if he hurts me again thats it. He said the same back to me. Obviously I understand that. We're both tired of being hurt. Now he cant seem to even understand why I do the things I do. The week we've been apart made me feel things again, and I was hoping to express them before or at the New Years party. But it doesn't seem like he even wants to ask how my Christmas was because he cant even leave a facebook message asking. I know he's been online when I haven't because KT has been speaking to him. Apparently all he's been doing up at his Mum's is get high. No wonder why I've started cutting again. I'm so fucking anxious. I'm going through pot after pot of black coffee, so much that its starting to make me ill. I feel like I'm going insane! I hate being anxious like this!
I cried myself to sleep last night, because I dont know what he's been doing! I dont want to know exactly everything he's done, I just wanna know why he hasn't bothered to contact me after that one phone call. How his Christmas was. What did he get? Did he have a good time with his Mum? I just want to ask him if he's been happy...
I've promised myself that I was going to hide all my problems from him again, because he said I've changed. I dont think I've changed. I've always been depressed. I just hid it well from everyone until I finally let someone in. I let him in, I let him know how I'm suffering and I listened to how he was suffering as well. I'm going to hide my cuts and scars, I'm not going to talk about my Eating Disorder, I'm not going to let myself cry around him anymore. Let him see how my mask can cover everything, remind him of my mask. The fact that it only dropped because I trusted him and thought he would accept it... He did, but I think he doesn't get to see the happy me as often as my friends do... I cant help it... I'm too twisted.
I wish I had drugs to knock some 'happiness' into me.
I feel like I'm disappearing into my previous depression, I knew I needed that counsellor. A month is too long to be with out one.
I hope he comes and stops me from loosing my head.
I dont want to feel this right now. Its the final moments of 2010. I dont want to start 2011 on a low. A drunken low. A completely wasted low.
'Where did you go when the Sun Rose' - 3OH!3 - Streets Of Gold

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Loosing My Head, Feeling It Deep, One More Time, Please Dont Weep...

I'm sorry about my major freak out yesterday.
It was kinda stupid but I'm sure you all know how it feels to work so hard to loose something just to gain it back in a matter of hours.
Thank you to BelleRina and Sarah, you're comments have calmed me for this evening and helped me put down the very odd pasta dinner I've been given.
Again. I'm somewhere above 147lbs. I don't want to know, out of honesty. Tomorrow I shall fast, and also on New Years Eve to prevent gross puking issues.
I have decided 2011 is a new year. I will have the strength to loose until I am at least 9 stone (126lbs) over 2011. I will stay strong. I will change myself for perfection. I want my final days at my school to be filled with 126 pounds of fat rather than 147. I want people to remember me as thin, and if there's ever a reunion in a few years, I want to be skinnier than any of them could hope to be.
I've developed a fancy for being 7 and a half stone. Its strange, I'm no where near my UGW but I've already ideally lowered it. 105 sounds so fantastic right now. I guess I want someone to care enough to tell me to eat... right now it doesn't feel like there's anyone in my real life who would say that and mean it. Honestly, I hope I reach 18 before I reach 105, because then, no one can do a thing to stop me.
I've taken up cutting again. Last night I got desperate withdrawal symptoms set off by my lard arse scare. I've stolen a knife from the kitchen. Knives are shit cutting tools, I much prefer razors. But right not its all I have. I've come to the conclusion of not telling Skei for once about this stuff. I give up telling him. He doesn't understand. He says I cant have an ED because I'm not diagnosed with it. To be honest, I'm sure a lot of the bloggers in this little ED orientated section of the blogiverse haven't been diagnosed. And he doesn't see any need for me to cut. Why tell him anything anymore? I feel like smacking my head a few times on a hard brick wall.
I'm going to change in the New Year. I'm going to try and be a better, happier and somewhat more independent girlfriend. I'm not going to complain about being fat as often as I do, he doesn't see it so why bother. I'm not going to be such a bitch to Skei either, I know I'm a bitch to him and I know he doesn't deserve it. I'm going to loose weight. 24 pounds to be exact. I'm going to go out more, concerts and things of the sort. I'm going to exercise more often. I'm going to do well in my GCSEs and in my college interviews. I'm going to look fabulous every time I leave the house, even if its just for something like grocery shopping with my mum. I'm going to make more friends, attract more guys, be a more interesting person to be around. Most of all. I'm going to stay faithful to Skei. After that stupid drunken accident Skei thinks I'm going to cheat again. I wont. I'm sure of it. I need to change, and 2011 is going to be that year!
I'm also going to put some effort into helping depressed a suicidal people my age. I've convinced quite a few people not to commit suicide, so I think I'll put my persuading techniques to good use.
And seriously, if you've got a problem like depression, feel free to email me. I'm happy to help because I know how it feels and I hate knowing that there are people who're feeling the same but aren't talking to people about it. Sometimes its easier to speak to someone online about it because they can hear your situation from a completely different perspective.
Anyway. I hope you're all well.
I thank you for being there for me Sarah and BelleRina.
And Wish me luck for changing this coming year.
I send you my love :)
'I Can Be One Of Those Models Shoving Coke Up Their Noses'-3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Let Me Dissapear In A Puff Of Smoke, Let Me Die Of Fattness

I lost weight after Christmas.
Then I gain 2lbs OVER NIGHT!
Thats it. I'm fasting and exercising to within an inch of my life!!
Weight: 146.8 (when I first weighed myself it said '146.6' so I got fatter in about 5 minutes.)
Waist(at belly button): 35
Waist(smallest part): 31
HipBones: 37
Hips/Arse: 37.75
ForeArm: 8
UpperArm: 10.5
Elbow: 9.5
Wrist: 6
Thigh: 19 (MY LEGS GOT FATTER!!)
Knee: 13.5
Calf: 13.5
Ankle: 9
I'm off to exercise.
And not eat.
I'm never eating again.

Let Me Melt Away Into The Pretty Girl I Know I Can Be..

I dont feel like I'm here...
I have no idea what it is... I just dont feel with it.
I'm scared to step on the scale... I ate 2 bowels of Bran flakes at midnight, One I spilt everywhere (serves me right). It lead me to work out a lot this morning. But I still feel fat. I feel like I've destroyed my chance of getting to 140 in a few days. I know I might be over reacting, it was 2 bowels of cereal. But I just dont know what to expect from my body! It never works the way it should.
I'm getting cutting withdrawal. I need to cut myself, I dont know why I just have to! But theres nothing I can use... knifes are useless. So are scissors. I want to bury myself under my duvet and be alone forever. I dont know what I'll do if I've gained. I was so proud of myself, nearly passed my lowest weight. Now it could all be completely ruined.
I've measured myself briefly. I may be lighter, but I'm certainly not thinner. Nothing has changed. In a moment, I promise I will measure properly. I... will.. weigh myself. I have to know if I've ruined my dream. I may exercise some more... I'll see if I'm in the mood.
(shit I left my soup on the stove...)
I'll post again later.
*crosses fingers*
'It Feels Like I'm Going Crazy'

Monday, 27 December 2010

It Takes So Much More Than Just Wishing To Make Dreams Come To Life..

My Body is being queer.
It decided to loose weight..
Not that I'm complaining! Its just... WTF!
144.6lbs and hopefully counting DOWN.
I sooo want that trip to Paris! I've never been to Paris before! I'm not even 5lbs away from being allowed to go! AHH!!!
I spoke to my Mum about a weekend trip to Paris a little while ago and she even said I could take a friend! :o
I love my Mum sometimes.
I'm back to fasting for the remainder of the holiday. Oh. A week! But hopefully I'll be at 140lbs by New Years Eve (As I have said many times!) or I might just have to start cutting the fat off piece by piece. I don't know what I would do in Paris! I know the Eiffel Tower is a definite. Climbing to the top, a mission, but I will do it. Any one know of where to go and what to do? I'm going shopping for sure! Ahh! Shopping in Paris! My life might just be mildly complete right there. Nah, kidding. I have higher aspirations than just that, but at least I can cross something off my to do list.
I've also developed a strange passion for Ke$ha and her shit lyrics. I say shit because they have no depth to them, probably why I like them right now!
I'll be spending the day in my room. Writing one of my books.. Maybe dancing like a mad woman (because, that's what I do when I'm alone and bored..)
I hope you're Christmas' were bearable!
I know mine left me wanting to smack my head against hard objects...
But Yes, I love you.
I haven't said that in a while! XD
'Our Bodies Going Numb' - Ke$ha - We R Who We R

Sunday, 26 December 2010

If I Curl Up Small Enough, They'll Never Remember I'm Here..

What a drastic change from nearly loving Christmas.
I hate Christmas with a passion. I am so glad this is my last Christmas with my family. I hate it.
Christmas is a pointless holiday. Its where you open shitty presents from people you barley know, eat until you cant move, gain like a bitch and get drunk enough to fall off the sofa.
This year, I've ended up sitting by my bed, posting angrily, with some form of Dance music blaring from my new Ipod doc. So many things haven't gone right today. And before you ask. Yes. I am going to tell you.
Shit #1. My mum bought the wrong £50 high tops. I mean that doesn't annoy me, if anything I feel sorry because my mum spent loads on shoes I dont even want.
Shit #2. On MY home made place mat, someone had spilt curry on it. For fucks sake! It was only mine! No one gives a shit, obviously!
Shit #3. I scoffed so many waffle-ish biscuits and Belgian chocolates that I'm seriously considering taking MORE laxatives.
Shit #4. I've been to the bath room about 20 times today thanks to my laxative abuse last night.
Shit #5. My Grandfather is an arse hole. All he does is moan, hold everything up and then tell everyone how to play Poker WRONG!
Shit #6. I've had more alcohol than I originally had planned. Only a glass or two more, but I am SO gonna work hard to get this FAT OFF ME!
Shit #7. I'm fat.
Shit #8. I punched a wall. Twice.
Shit #9. I want to die. Just because Christmas is so utterly pointless and supposed to be full of jolly people, but mine always contains my utterly cunt-ish family.
Shit #10. I havent heard from Skei in about 3 days. To be fair, it is Christmas and he is at his Mum's house. But Still, its Skei. He always finds a reason to talk to me.
Now. I'm going to get changed into my PJs again.
Find some water.
And take about 4 laxatives.
And Dance. Until I cant feel my legs.
'ice cream ice cream we all want ice cream!!' - Pink - Cuz I Can

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A GoodNight!

Who's going to be abusing her laxatives tonight?
I AM!!
*face palm*
Okay, today wasn't so bad! Tina's mum was lovely. So was Tina's daughter. She was bloody funny I must say! Charlie SPOKE! Second time I've met him, he spoke to me in conversation. And LOL my hair is shorter than his! Haha! Well, mine isn't shoulder length anymore, and the back of his is going down his shoulders so... LOL!
I helped Tina and my Dad cook. I actually had a small plate of food, barely covering the surface of my plate when everyone else was PILED on. I didn't even finish it. Then... Fuck me... Came the chocolate gateau. I had a 'small' piece. Meh. It was medium. I ate slowly all day! Whoopeyy!! But. I had some chocolate. Like 10. Buuuut, I'm planning on doing mad dancing for God knows how long after I finish my post.
I got make-up from my Dad and Tina. :/
But, its good quality make-up so I'm not too fussed. I would have preferred perfume, like the last present I received from my Father. I also had some alcohol. Not alot. I tried a bit of everything I was offered.
Half a glass of rose. 2 sips of Sambuka. A mouthful of Bailey's.
Sambuka is foul. Never ever again.
So really. I didn't do too badly. Tomorrow I'll only have soup and a SMALL piece if cake IF I actually want what we have. I will cut it myself this time!
I learnt how to play Poker! I was shit but it was fun, specially after I got Charlie and Kally (Tina's daughter) to join in with me, Tina and Dad. Kally taught us how to play properly, coz apparently Tina's was telling us wrong. Ha. Made my day.
I haven't opened many presents. *sad face*
That will be tomorrow.
I have to wait.
RIGHT NOW I have to dance off this chocolate and alcohol.
I might have a glass of wine tomorrow too.
I'm trying to keep my system clear for New Year.
Heh heh.
I'm soo gonna get trashed.
'Behave little boy, you better sit back down, you better hold your ground' - Papa Roach - Binge

And A Ho Ho Ho, From Our Lovely And Dear Santa...

(Okay, before I do anything, I must explain something. But also LOL at my first picture!)
@Skeleton Strong. I'm really self conscious when it comes to opening presents. To me, its like the moment on my birthday when everyone starts singing 'happy birthday' and every one's looking at me, waiting for a reaction. I don't mind if I know those people well, coz I could just be stupid, but because I've never met some of them its kind of worrying for me. Do you understand me now? XD
Anyway. I got a great Christmas present. Heehee.
I'm 144.8! AHA! :D My lowest weight EVER! I love Christmas sometimes.
But out of all honesty, I did get a really good present from 'Santa'. Its a Naruto box set! XD I'm such a Naru-tard.
Its great how some traditions in my house haven't changed at all. Like the fact 'Santa' always leaves a bog stocking of presents outside my door for me to open when I wake up. Sadly, this is my last forced Christmas at home. Next year, hopefully, I shall be in Australia with Rhii and Craig. If I ever get a job to earn enough for the flight.
Kinda weird. Next year, I'll be living with my Dad, trying to make new friends, attempting to keep my grades good and also trying to have an AMAZING social life. Hm, if only.
But Yes, I'd love it if (whoever reads this post today) You tell me what you got for Christmas! :D I like to know XD
But TARRAAH for now.
I shall post later.
Telling you about my troubling day with my Dad.
Merry Christmas ;)
'There's always somebody out there that loves you. Always.'

Friday, 24 December 2010

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Christmas Isn't Quite Today...

I feel like my picture.
I'm dreading Christmas.
Just the thought of seeing my Dad, having to play nice. Around Tina(My Dad's girlfriend)'s family (Including Charlie, YEY! XD) trying to make sure my skirt isn't too short as to not offend Tina's mum, Focus on eating v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, and as little at possible and also explain to my father when he picks my up that I refuse to open any presents in front of Tina's family. Seeing as, I dont know any of them.
Argh. Frustration. I've been in a pretty pessimistic mood all day, sitting around watching TV feeling knackered. But I tried to get into the Christmas spirit by joining my Gran in making place settings for everyone, and also setting up the table, etc. for Boxing Day.
(I also had a small piece of cake... I dont think its bad coz my body needs to get used to food again anyway... It was VERY SMALL I promise.)
I also smell like Cinnamon incense as I lit one downstairs.
Oh and my Grandfather is pissed. Stupid old twat.
OHOHOH! I ALMOST FORGOT (I dont know how I managed to forget THIS!)
I jumped on (okay, stepped, I'd never get on the scales with enthusiasm...) the scales and saw...
Personally I think I rule right now! ;D
Thats... WOW exactly 3 lbs! :o
I've now come to LOVE fasting! I remember the days when it was SO DAMNED DIFFICULT! HAHA! I'm so proud of myself right now! I'll weigh myself again tomorrow morning before I start getting ready to see my Dad, and I'll post tomorrow. Something more Christmassy, maybe? (I'm trying to figure out how many days loosing 3lbs took me...) FUCK BARLEY 3 DAYS!
Heeheeheee... Thats put me in a good mood for tomorrow. I bet I've gained because the small bit of cake. I'll do my exercises tomorrow too... and more. I think.
Right, back to my Christmas day dread. Mehh. I dont know these people well enough to feel comfortable. Even worse, good-looking 16 year old will be around. I MUST NOT LOOK LIKE A PIG! Or a slut come to think of it. He's basically my unofficial step-brother. I may say this to him if we ever get talking. I'd like another friend. Specially an out of school one XD They're usually the most interesting anyway. Ahh
Apologies. Just had to put that out there. -.-
My family are so difficult. Morons.
I guess I should stop there?
:/ I've run out of interesting things to say...
I'll post tomorrow... but considering I might over sleep and might not get time to post.
Merry Christmas!
'I wish I was someone other than me, Fighting to keep the mirror happy' - Bethany Dillon - Beautiful

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Enter The City Of Perfection, It Will Soon Become My Destination..

I feel so much better after cleaning my room.
I've accomplished so much today! I've cleaned, organised the majority of shit in my room, painted my nails, moisturised (which is obscenely rare) and made my bed! Woohoo!
I even picked out my outfit for Christmas day! I might take a picture for you... If I can be bothered. I'm such a lazy cow.
Tomorrow, I shall be cleaning the spare room (because my mum wants to change the sheets in there but the bed has all the contents of my wardrobe on it) and Having a looooong shower/beautifying day. I will be spending AGES shaving, moisturising, plucking, etc. XD hahaa. I love days like that. Funny thing is, I've got so much time but still haven't even looked at my English essay. LMAO like I'm going to do that any time soon!
I'm going to go play on the Sims (via PlayStation 2, so old school right?) as a well deserved rest.
Ahhh... I do feel so much calmer after my cleaning.
Wow. I should do it more often.
'Tonight I'll Lie Awake, Feeling Empty' - Paramore - Pressure

Let My Paridise Sparkle In Perfect Cleanliness..

I'm feeling terribly exausted.
It was too cold to get a decent night's sleep, so I was up at 9. Its so wrong to be up at 9. But I've spent the majority of this morning trying to warm up and sort out my things. Excluding my head. That is far from being fixed.
I have decided to have a monster clean up because my room is FOUL. I may even to the extent of stripping the bed sheets. I found a stain on them that I don't remember making... that is how manky my room currently is.
Yes. I'm definitely changing the bed sheets. And sweeping the hall outside my room. And organising all my DVDs and CDs that haven't been living in their cases for a good few months. And probably my writing, school work and drawings. Just anything that NEEDS organising. I love this mood really. I get stuff done.
My room is freezing. The damned heater is shit and our central heating thingy is going to run out of gas soon so then we'll be buggered. I'm thinking about talking to my Gran about getting the rest of the electric heaters out to keep us from dying of the cold over night.
Oh, might as well put something ED related in here. I haven't eaten for 1 1/2 days. I am going to make it until Christmas day. Unfortunately I am having a 'nut roast' (whatever that is) instead of soup when I spend Christmas day with my Dad. Urgh. But Boxing Day I will have soup. Nothing else. Then back to fasting. I will keep up my exercises everyday or I believe I will get insanely fat. I already am, but I mean worse than... this.
Right, there was my ramble about cold weather, cleaning and feeling fat.
Whoopey! Cleaning!
'We're hopelessly blissful and blind, to all we are' - Sum 41 - All To Blame

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Bring Me Down, Throw Me Out. I Deserve To Burn...

I'm not even going to tell you what I did.
All you need to know is.
I'm 149.4 again.
I wish I could die right now. Or swallow a load of diet pills. I asked Skei to get me some but the Boots we were in was so feckin' small that they didnt have any. FML.
For the next however long until New Year I will not eat anything. At all. Only water, flavoured water and green tea. And an exercise regemine I MUST do everyday. I will only allow myself soup on Christmas and Boxing Day because I am with the family and they would be suspicious if I refused to eat anything. Hopefully with this extreame diet, I will lose weight even more quickly then I did last week. I so hate myself for giving in. Fuck me.
(If you want to know my exercise (minimum) for each day here it is..)
10 crunches
10 push ups
30 star jumps
20-40 knee lifts
20 toe touches
Plus the exercise program I've got recorded on my Sky+ downstairs, and any other little exercises I feel like I need to do. Probably more cardio will be put in there but this is only a minimum to help shift this God Damned FAT!!
I hate Christmas.
I hate Winter.
I hate me.
'Why'd you have to go and turn to ice' - LIGHTS - Ice

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Crystal Flakes Of Glass Are Falling, Floating, Melting.

The snow is for looking at, not playing in.
I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I hate it because it melts on my feet, soaking my socks and freezing my toes off. Also, its just cold. I love it because it gives me reason to wrap up and wear huge jumpers, and it looks beautiful.
Theres so much snow, its insane. It began to melt around midday though, so it might be gone by tomorrow. I'm hoping to get out of the house. Theres nothing to do when Skei is here. I can think of lots of stuff to entertain me when I'm alone, but with Skei... fuck we have nothing to do and he wants my attention. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ATTENTION WITH OUT MOANING. Really, our relationship revolves around looking pretty together, sleeping and watching Naruto. Thats it in a nutshell. Slightly deeper? He's madly in love with me and I have no idea if I still love him because he's (dare I say it) so needy. Apparently I come off as needy and clingy? OMG I DONT SEE THAT?! I need to sort myself out.
On the plus side. I'm 145.4lbs! Freshly weighed this morning before my shower! Success!! Only 5 and a bit more pounds to lose in... 13 days! I CAN SO DO THAT! I've calculated (In my many bored moments) that I have lost at least a pound a day!! Still haven't technically eaten. Made more soup, had half of if for lunch, the rest for tomorrow. I also had a lot of chocolate milk shake today which kept me full and also tropical juice. Nom! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to burn off some boredom energy and force Skei out of bed and go for a walk. If he doesn't get up then I'm going to do a work out video! I do love sky! (Fitness TV anyone?)
I've been cooking most the day, I helped my Gran make 2 other soups for everyone else and I did a quick sweep of the living room. OMG! I could do some cleaning tomorrow! Perfect ;)
I've also noticed that I dont seem to look any thinner, even though I apparently am. I hate that so much.
I made another blog. ED's Cook Book. Its gonna have my recepies and one I like on there, atm its just got soup! XD Look it up and follow if you're interested!
I may go back down stairs seeing as Skei has fallen asleep (at 20 to 7)... Coz I'm bored.
And I dont like the amount of effort needed to wake him up.
My God its ALOT!
Maybe I'm not old enough for a relationship like this?
Dont start with that malarkey again Kodi!
Skei doesn't like the thought of me being skinny like the thinspo picks I post... He thinks ribs are weird. (How dare he!?) He would just have to deal with it if I ever get that thin.
Well I shall post you all tomorrow a quick update of weight, and maybe I'll measure too? Excite Skei a little when he has to measure my boobs...
'How Can You Love Me When I Am Ugly?' - LIGHTS - cant remember the song...

Friday, 17 December 2010

Dance With Me In The MoonLight Its So Beautifully Intoxicating...

Awaiting the line. Signalling my turn to shine. Shine out in front of plenty of people. Friends and strangers. Here it is...
'In the prison cell with Joseph were two very frightened men'
Stepping out from behind the curtain, we clutched onto each other in false fear... and began to sing. Descending the stage onto the black platforms to join the 11-year-old star. Looking out into the crowd, seeing every one's focus directed on us. Everyone slightly obscured by shadow, whilst I was lit up in dazzling stage lights.
My solo.
Everyone was watching me. I was so interesting. It was like a dream. My heart was thumping against my chest, my stomach began to ease from the knot it had previously twisted into. Adrenalin. Now I remember why I love performing.
They laughed at my comic expressions, clapped and cheered as Act 1 came too a close.
One. Last. Line.
'You and your dream coat are ahead of your time..'
I put all my remaining energy into that final line, singing as loud as I possibly could to be noticed again. The lights went down. The hall was over come with applause! Cheering!
I could not believe that was it. Its all over.
Yesterday evening was the closing night of the Christmas show. It was brilliant. I weighed myself at 147.4lbs. At least now I don't have to buy diet pills for Christmas. I This whole show experience had reminded me of how much I missed being on stage, singing and acting. I did this on absolutely no food. I did drink some soup the previous day but I don't believe that counts. I haven't eaten since Monday. I don't think the 16 mints count as food. They are simply to sustain my energy whilst I worked in the dark room at Diploma.
I feel so good.
I swear I shall not eat until I am lovely! I shall be 10 stone by New Years. (I've lost 3lbs in the past couple of days so as long as I keep my activity up, I'll keep loosing.)
I have faith in myself for once. I believe I can be 10 stone for New Year. Not eating isn't as much of a mission as I thought! I've easily dodged eating chocolate biscuits offered from my teachers, or I've taken them and fed Skei with them. I feel so pleased with myself. I've also convinced my father that I will have soup for Christmas dinner because I am a vegetarian, and I 'only like soup' ;) Hahaha! I don't know why I struggled so hard before to just not eat! I guess I just haven't been busy enough! I love shows, they keep you busy, keep you active. I'm going to try and do more over the 2 weeks holiday. However. I hate winter. With a passion. My toes are always frozen, in turn, making me walk like an utter spazz. But I honestly must go out more. I shall force Skei UP and OUT of my bed and we will have fun outside my house for once. Also, I feel the need for tidying coming on. My room is a state. But I'm also shattered from the lack of sleep and the fact I went to bed at 3 this morning because I was finishing work. I then woke up at 7:10am.
So I'm likely to clear my bed, take some drugs to knock me out, and wait for pleasant sleep to take over me!
Oh, and is it normal to feel nothing? Like at all? The only thing I've felt in weeks was the Adrenalin rush from the show. Now I don't know if its possible for me to feel anything anymore.
Huh, I guess I'll have to ponder that!
'His little whispers love me' - Meg & Dia - Monster

Monday, 13 December 2010

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway

Sunday, 12 December 2010

To Love Is A Difficult Battle You Must Eventualy Win.

Gutentag vom mich!
Ahhhh, the Koln christmas markets were amazing! I love Koln. It advertizes like Japan, has shops like New York, and German people EVERYWHERE! The markets had so many cute things, like ginger bread messages, personalised bracelets, sparkly boxes, embriodered cloths, marballs XD, incense (including cannabis smell), glass figures and SO MUCH FOOD.
The crepes. PHWOARRR. I had 3. And a HUGE waffle. Mmmmm... Gorge. I bought my Gran some different types of nugart, my mum a little candel holder, Manny a red glass dragon, my Great Grandmother an embroidered cloth, my dad an amathyst stone, and an awesome ring (its a dragon!) and quartz necklace to replace the one Skei broke. I got Skei a bracelet with his name on it... its different to what you think. When I give it to him, I'll take a picture of it on his wrist for you guy to see. Its not girly, but Its nice... (Shit, maybe I wont show you coz it has his real name on it, not Skei... Ehh I'll think about it.)
I spent €100.
haha. It was my dads money so its all good.
I'm gonna have to start giving out presents this week, it being the last week and all... ehhh. E. F. F. O. R. T.
Oh I over heared Olii (a guy in my class who has the same birthday as Lii) say that he would fuck me. Cool? But Den, another guy on the trip, said he wouldnt. Tah. -.- Oh well. I dont really care. Even though prior to that moment I said I would go out with him to Stone.
Oh well. I deal with plenty of people who dont want to fuck me daily, one more that is known wont kill me.
Hmm. I'm still resolving my issue in the previous post.
I'm not really watching what I'm eating. I'm too too too stressed. I have work to hand in on Friday. (about a terms worth of class diaries which I havent dont any of) and I'm doing the Christmas shows.
A show to primary kids on Tuesday. Opening night on Wednesday. Closing night on Thursday. I have to buy tickets. :/ Effort.
Mum got me an aplication form for a job in a near by town in a clothing shop. I'm gonna apply. Got nothing to loose, I need some extra dough. And I got letters from the colleges I applied too saying they got my application and they will send anopother letter with details of my interviews.
In. The. Bag.
I'm going to sort out my bed a little, then go to bed now.
(tbh my weight isn't too bad, only 150lbs. only 10lbs to loose in 2 weeks. Not too bad.)
'My life is a circus, and I'm tripping down that tightrope.' - Papa Roach - Thrown Away.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

The Thought Track To The Perfect Girl...

TheFatherOfLies Says:
-very pretty
-cares about what I think
-always up for it ;)
-eyes that can melt my soul
-soft sweet lips
-long hair
Thats a short list of Skei's perfect girl.
I'm not like that. Why does he want me?
-I'm ugly, or at least average
-I'm a lunatic
-I'm a bitch.
-I never want to do it because I'm too fat and ugly.
-My eyes are... meh.
-I have thin lips for a girl.
-I cut my hair short.
WHY DOES HE LIKE ME? And here we go again, Do I like him? God damn the fact I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel if I'm in love. Am I supposed to have butterflies, because I don't have them. I just dont know! I want to be with Skei, because fuck knows how hard I've tried to keep him. I dont deserve anyone to love me... Is it bad that I can see a life with out Skei in it?
How do you guys feel about your love interests?

"I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fuckin' scared of him" 3OH!3 - Dont Trust Me

Monday, 6 December 2010

Wrap Up Warm, It's Getting Cold, Don't Let Me Go, Don't Let Me Fall...

Evening One and All.
I have exams for the next few days, it's fucking freezing, I had a bad day over all, and I have alot of Diploma work to do.
I have today found out the extremely of my bad circulation. Waiting outside the sports hall for my Maths exam this afternoon, I was so effing cold. I had my hands up my sleeves shivering my arse off when Lii pointed out my lips were purple.
My. Lips. Were. PURPLE!
I may talk to my mother about going to the doctor about this circulation issue I have... What do you think? Wouldn't give anything away would it?
I also woke up 5 minutes before I had to leave the house this morning. I managed to get half dressed (well, dressed but with out the extra layers I desire..), half-do make up (green eye liner. That was all) and shove my anthology (a book of poems for my English exam) and phone in my bag. I didn't even brush my hair. I did manage to brush my teeth, even if I didn't have time I would have MADE time.
I've started my fasting again. Yeah I died after last Wednesday. Back at 150 odd lbs. Fuck me, yeah? But I'm determined this time because the snow is completely gone (thanks to cunt-ish rain) and I'm at school all week. I'm also going to Germany on Friday! :o I need to get my clothes and etc ready for then. I WILL NOT EAT.
Now Kodii, repeat after me. I will not eat.
I'll tell you what made my day though.
Lii's mum walks about in exams making sure no one cheats etc. and in the middle of my citizenship exam her phone went off! I was at the back of the hall so I could see her really well, she pulled a face and whispered 'Sorry It's Me!' and me and King just looked at each other and tried not to burst out laughing. All the other invidulators got up thinking it was a student (we're not that stupid, give up some credit!) HA MADE MY DAY.
Um. Yes.
I think that's it again.
I think i might start ending my posts with thinsperational lyrics...
If I can be bothered I will try it!
'She Could Be The Model Type, Skinny With No Appetite'

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Put On Your Army Boots, Lets Take On The World.

Hello All.
First I just wanted to marvel at the fact that... I'm an inspiration?
Thank you @Zette for saying this. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me! Really, made my evening. And I'm so glad that I still have followers who've patiently waited for me over however long it took me to get my head in a better place. It means a lot that you're all glad I'm back!
@BelleRina. Obviously you can do it if you really want to! Don't let one little hiccup get you down (figures, after my 2 days of no food at all I had a MAHUSIVE binge, luckily I only gained about half a pound XD Not sure how that works) I'm going to start my fats again either tomorrow or Saturday, so you can do it too!
@Lilah Lee. I know how you feel! Its horrible, but it seems like you're keeping in good spirits. Trust me you need good enough spirit to get you up in the morning and to carry on. Good luck with you're resolutions :)
(Finally) @Mich. Thank you for the advise, Next time I'll take vitamins (I wasn't taking any at the time) so in my next fast I will take one multi a day.
Now moving on to what I was originally going to write about.
My self worth.
Yeah that might seem depressing but really, I'm just exploring what I believe and what other people have told me! Is it wrong that all I see are faults in myself, faults in my favourite body parts, faults in people on TV?
All I see to hear recently are compliments that I'm not even fishing for! Like the Ballerina/leg comment. I get all odds and ends of compliments about me that aren't said to my face.
I'm pretty.
I have nice legs.
I have big boobs (from the guys).
I'm smart.
Whats going on here? I'm not used to this! Thankfully, I'm starting to believe that I am smart, I'm not stupid anymore. I can get the grades I want, I do get the grades I want. How come I didn't see this before? Why did I think I was so stupid before this year? Maybe it was because I was comparing myself to other people? I dont think so. Comparing myself has showed me that, really, I'm smarter than a lot of my friends. I help my friends in classes, help THEM to understand whats being taught. I'm getting high B's and A's in most of my work. What made me believe I wasn't good enough mentally? Maybe because I'm borderline dyslexic and no one ever helped me because I wasn't 'bad' enough? My mum had to get me a personal tutor in year 5 because I literally could not read. Now? I'M WRITING FUCKING BOOKS!
One thing I've apparently always been good at is art.
Apparently, according to my friend, in Primary school we did a little drawing competition together, and we won because of my drawing. I dont even remember this!
Then... Why do I feel so pitiful about my appearance..?
I've noticed my confidence grow a little because of Capelin fancying me and complimenting me on more than just my looks. He liked everything. I was even STUPID enough to tell him about my eating issues. He just listened, he understood. Apparently his brother was Bulimic, so he's been through it. I've also got a TAKEN friend of mine flirting with me a lot... honestly, I try not to proper flirt back, I just say things that are intended to sound wrong to make the situation funny... its weird really. Strange how, he apparently really loves his girlfriend, but he feels the need to flirt with me? Makes me a little anxious about if that will happen to me... I'm trying really hard not to get bored with Skei. I love him, I really do. But I just lose interest in things quickly... which is why I think I argue with him a lot. Shake things up, make it interesting. I'm fucked up in the head. I either want to start and argument with Skei or go frolicking off with some fit indie who was looking me up and down. But I DONT WANT TO. I do and I dont. I do because it'd be different. I dont, because I've fucked things up enough as it is... I dont wanna go through that again. :/
Omg. I've sooo gone off track.
Either way.
Apparently I'm attractive. I may start asking guys at school... if I ever go back to school XD this snow has lasted several days and its like 2 foot deep.
Maybe I should accept I'm a good catch?
I dont know if I can do that though...
Its the battle of and Eating Disordered person, isn't it?
Apparently I deserve more...
I dont feel like I deserve anything.
Then, I feel like I deserve the world.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Make A Wish...

Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD