Saturday, 30 October 2010

100th Post? o.O

(Who likes my Drawing? Far right)
For starters. I'm not at 140 yet. I'm about 3 pounds away.
But I've been away so long I though I'd give you all the brief update.
The guys?
Skei. Apparently he still likes me after telling me he hates me, that I should move on and that I make him sick. The worst part is... He likes my friend Hol. And I'm still madly in love with him.

Capelin. Yes, the one at the bottom of my people list. apparently, he's liked me fore 5/6 weeks. I pulled him at the bonfire. And some more the next day. Buuut I told him we shouldn't go out, its a bad time for me.

J. He's another one of my/Skei's friends. We flirted alot in the first 2 weeks of mine and Skei's break up... although the other day he said that if he talks about having sex with me in our conversations, he's joking. then he basically back tracked himself by saying it might be awkward if we did fuck buuut he might sleep with me. Who knows.


T.W or Whitt... I think I'll call him Whitt. ANOTHER friend of Skei's. (I know, Skei has alot of friends who wouldnt mind fucking me.) He basically planned us sleeping together. I asked him this question (if we were both drunk and you had the chance to fuck me, would you?) first he didnt answer (probably coz I was with Bambi.) so I asked him again and he said, 'Yeah I probably would' I said I'd keep that noted somewhere in the back of my mind. He asked if I was going to this bonfire... and I said yeah and probably a bit tipsey. He says 'I live in NW' (NW is gonna be my code for that town XD) I was like (mistake alert) 'I probably wouldnt say no'
I meant that as a joke.
But that bonfire is tonight and I have no one to go with.

Skei has apparenlty started smoking more pot and sniffing cocaine because of me.

He used to shout at me non stop on Facebook, but now has decided theres no point (and even APOLOGISED for shouting and for his friend shouting at me :o .. ) and he actually believes that I feel increadibly bad.

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling anxious. I've been getting increasingly anxious over the past month, enough to make it difficult for me to breath, I can feel my heart pumping horribly fast and hard, and I shake. I think I have an Anxiety Disorder.

If Skei tells me in the next week that he deffinetly still likes me, I'd like to try 'us' again. Its frustrating, coz I know he was the main reason that I tried to kill myself, but with him, I experienced life... I truely am in love with him. and If he decides he doesn't want me, then I'm going to become a whore and fuck his friends. End of story.

I've planned my route. I'll be going down a long road of self distruction. Yesterday I nearly bought razors and diet pills but the razors said 'do not sell to under 18s' and I was like fuuuuck. and the diet pills just made me anxious. I'm still taking laxatives. I keep binging on shitty food, then not eating. Hopefully now that I've got orange juice again, I'll stop binging. Its the sugar my body needs.. :/

Only 3 more pounds then I'll be back properly. I'll try and catch up on your blogs after then.. :/ sorry I havent read any. I've been trying to distract myself with things that I can physically do. Sorry :/

I hope you're all well.
Sorry for the absence.
The next post will be the thing to do before I die.
Or things to do to make me die faster...
one of the two.
I have to do coursewrok too :/
I couldnt be arsed yesterday.
I love you

Oh, I cut my hair too !

Saturday, 23 October 2010

You're Amazing

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd update you on how things are going away from my blog.
I've already got 4 Love interests. Including Skei.
Tonight I'm going to a bonfire with my friend Rhii, and I'm going to be smoking alot.
I've dropped a few pounds, not too many more to go until I'll be back properly.
I look forward to being back, and telling you all about what's been going on.
Anyway, I must be off.
I still love you, don't worry!

Friday, 8 October 2010

Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Monday, 4 October 2010

'The Only Exception'

Tis My Birthday today.
But heres my problem.
I told Skei the truth, I got with B.
He's not sure he loves me, and isn't going to give me the album he was working on for me.
Brilliant, right?
Well now? Yes, what am I going to do?
I'm not a good guitarist, I can read tabs but thats about it. I'm going to attempt to learn 'our song' in a week. I shall give up every picture I've ever drawn of us, and two canvuses with my 'art' of our relationship on.
You think this will work?
Because I have absolutely no idea.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.
Most of all. I need his love.
It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.
I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.
I hope I get one last chance.