I'm sorry about my major freak out yesterday.
It was kinda stupid but I'm sure you all know how it feels to work so hard to loose something just to gain it back in a matter of hours.
Thank you to BelleRina and Sarah, you're comments have calmed me for this evening and helped me put down the very odd pasta dinner I've been given.
Again. I'm somewhere above 147lbs. I don't want to know, out of honesty. Tomorrow I shall fast, and also on New Years Eve to prevent gross puking issues.
I have decided 2011 is a new year. I will have the strength to loose until I am at least 9 stone (126lbs) over 2011. I will stay strong. I will change myself for perfection. I want my final days at my school to be filled with 126 pounds of fat rather than 147. I want people to remember me as thin, and if there's ever a reunion in a few years, I want to be skinnier than any of them could hope to be.
I've developed a fancy for being 7 and a half stone. Its strange, I'm no where near my UGW but I've already ideally lowered it. 105 sounds so fantastic right now. I guess I want someone to care enough to tell me to eat... right now it doesn't feel like there's anyone in my real life who would say that and mean it. Honestly, I hope I reach 18 before I reach 105, because then, no one can do a thing to stop me.
I've taken up cutting again. Last night I got desperate withdrawal symptoms set off by my lard arse scare. I've stolen a knife from the kitchen. Knives are shit cutting tools, I much prefer razors. But right not its all I have. I've come to the conclusion of not telling Skei for once about this stuff. I give up telling him. He doesn't understand. He says I cant have an ED because I'm not diagnosed with it. To be honest, I'm sure a lot of the bloggers in this little ED orientated section of the blogiverse haven't been diagnosed. And he doesn't see any need for me to cut. Why tell him anything anymore? I feel like smacking my head a few times on a hard brick wall.
I'm going to change in the New Year. I'm going to try and be a better, happier and somewhat more independent girlfriend. I'm not going to complain about being fat as often as I do, he doesn't see it so why bother. I'm not going to be such a bitch to Skei either, I know I'm a bitch to him and I know he doesn't deserve it. I'm going to loose weight. 24 pounds to be exact. I'm going to go out more, concerts and things of the sort. I'm going to exercise more often. I'm going to do well in my GCSEs and in my college interviews. I'm going to look fabulous every time I leave the house, even if its just for something like grocery shopping with my mum. I'm going to make more friends, attract more guys, be a more interesting person to be around. Most of all. I'm going to stay faithful to Skei. After that stupid drunken accident Skei thinks I'm going to cheat again. I wont. I'm sure of it. I need to change, and 2011 is going to be that year!
I'm also going to put some effort into helping depressed a suicidal people my age. I've convinced quite a few people not to commit suicide, so I think I'll put my persuading techniques to good use.
And seriously, if you've got a problem like depression, feel free to email me. I'm happy to help because I know how it feels and I hate knowing that there are people who're feeling the same but aren't talking to people about it. Sometimes its easier to speak to someone online about it because they can hear your situation from a completely different perspective.
Anyway. I hope you're all well.
I thank you for being there for me Sarah and BelleRina.
And Wish me luck for changing this coming year.
I send you my love :)
'I Can Be One Of Those Models Shoving Coke Up Their Noses'-3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything