ThinkThinkOverThinkOverThinkBrainOverLoadOverOverLoaaaddddd

Stupid Over Thinking Brain.
Stupid stupid stupid irrational thoughts. Irrational but possible.
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Skei hasn't been in contact with me in a week. I keep thinking of why, what could have happened, where could he be?
Maybe he's avoiding me, maybe he decided to stay at his Mum's place, maybe he's not allowed on the phone/computer, maybe he's cheated on me, maybe he over dosed on drugs, maybe hes in hospital, maybe he's dead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's going else where for New Year, maybe he's realised I'm not good enough, maybe he met someone better than me, maybe he's gone back to his old ways of drug dealing, maybe he's run away, maybe he doesn't have credit on his new phone, maybe he didn't even get a phone, maybe he got into a car accident on the way home, maybe he's been banned from seeing me, maybe he's been grounded, maybe he's fallen in love with someone else, maybe he couldn't handle me anymore, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
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I hate this thought process issue. It snowballs, gets bigger and bigger, then turns to self loathing thoughts, then it turns to irrational ideas, then turns to what I would do if any of these where true... I dont want any of them to be true. He'd promised me we would spend this New Year together. If we dont then I cant forgive him. I told him a few months ago, if he hurts me again thats it. He said the same back to me. Obviously I understand that. We're both tired of being hurt. Now he cant seem to even understand why I do the things I do. The week we've been apart made me feel things again, and I was hoping to express them before or at the New Years party. But it doesn't seem like he even wants to ask how my Christmas was because he cant even leave a facebook message asking. I know he's been online when I haven't because KT has been speaking to him. Apparently all he's been doing up at his Mum's is get high. No wonder why I've started cutting again. I'm so fucking anxious. I'm going through pot after pot of black coffee, so much that its starting to make me ill. I feel like I'm going insane! I hate being anxious like this!
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I cried myself to sleep last night, because I dont know what he's been doing! I dont want to know exactly everything he's done, I just wanna know why he hasn't bothered to contact me after that one phone call. How his Christmas was. What did he get? Did he have a good time with his Mum? I just want to ask him if he's been happy...
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I've promised myself that I was going to hide all my problems from him again, because he said I've changed. I dont think I've changed. I've always been depressed. I just hid it well from everyone until I finally let someone in. I let him in, I let him know how I'm suffering and I listened to how he was suffering as well. I'm going to hide my cuts and scars, I'm not going to talk about my Eating Disorder, I'm not going to let myself cry around him anymore. Let him see how my mask can cover everything, remind him of my mask. The fact that it only dropped because I trusted him and thought he would accept it... He did, but I think he doesn't get to see the happy me as often as my friends do... I cant help it... I'm too twisted.
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I wish I had drugs to knock some 'happiness' into me.
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I feel like I'm disappearing into my previous depression, I knew I needed that counsellor. A month is too long to be with out one.
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I hope he comes and stops me from loosing my head.
I dont want to feel this right now. Its the final moments of 2010. I dont want to start 2011 on a low. A drunken low. A completely wasted low.
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'Where did you go when the Sun Rose' - 3OH!3 - Streets Of Gold

The Thought Track To The Perfect Girl...

TheFatherOfLies Says:
-very pretty
-adorable
-cares about what I think
-always up for it ;)
-eyes that can melt my soul
-soft sweet lips
-long hair
.
Thats a short list of Skei's perfect girl.
I'm not like that. Why does he want me?
-I'm ugly, or at least average
-I'm a lunatic
-I'm a bitch.
-I never want to do it because I'm too fat and ugly.
-My eyes are... meh.
-I have thin lips for a girl.
-I cut my hair short.
WHY DOES HE LIKE ME? And here we go again, Do I like him? God damn the fact I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel if I'm in love. Am I supposed to have butterflies, because I don't have them. I just dont know! I want to be with Skei, because fuck knows how hard I've tried to keep him. I dont deserve anyone to love me... Is it bad that I can see a life with out Skei in it?
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How do you guys feel about your love interests?

"I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fuckin' scared of him" 3OH!3 - Dont Trust Me

You're Amazing

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd update you on how things are going away from my blog.
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I've already got 4 Love interests. Including Skei.
Tonight I'm going to a bonfire with my friend Rhii, and I'm going to be smoking alot.
I've dropped a few pounds, not too many more to go until I'll be back properly.
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I look forward to being back, and telling you all about what's been going on.
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Anyway, I must be off.
I still love you, don't worry!
;D
x

'The Only Exception'

Tis My Birthday today.

But heres my problem.

.

I told Skei the truth, I got with B.

Now?

He's not sure he loves me, and isn't going to give me the album he was working on for me.

.

Brilliant, right?

.

Well now? Yes, what am I going to do?

Well.

I'm not a good guitarist, I can read tabs but thats about it. I'm going to attempt to learn 'our song' in a week. I shall give up every picture I've ever drawn of us, and two canvuses with my 'art' of our relationship on.

.

You think this will work?

Because I have absolutely no idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz8uvwzHtxk

Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.

Most of all. I need his love.

It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.

I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.

.

I hope I get one last chance.

x

Ahh Some Days XD

Hello Evereh Bodeh :)
Before you start wondering 'Who drew that crappy picture over there?' Yeah it was me. XD
I'm proud of it, so I don't care if someone doesn't like it coz I actually drew it XD so yes.

I have something to say to Fat Ballerina and Thumbellina.
@Fat Ballerina
I love you. Seriously. Made me giggle that you quoted a bit to me, made me smile too so thank you ;)
@Thumbellina
You're comment made me want to cry XD in a good way though. That's a really good idea, trying to find something beautiful in each day, I'll be trying this! Your comment was today's beautiful thing :) I felt loved ^-^ and don't worry, I understood every word.

That's really all I wanted to say. Except Skei is shit at remembering to call me -.-
Oh well.
x

'I'm Never Good Enough'

I'm Not.

I never will be.

You don't love me anymore.

You cant even call me when you promised.

I'm so imperfect.

And full of self loathing.

I'm filled with hatred for myself.

Because I'm not perfect.

My thighs still touch,

My stomach overhangs my jeans.

My ribs are too scared to show themselves to the world.

My hips wobble.

My arms have wings.

I even hate my voice,

When I sing.

I pretend I'm happy.
I hate my face.

My nose is big.

My mouth is small.

I hate that I don't feel tall.

I hate that even though I fake I'm okay,

Everyone sees my non existent self-esteem.

But no one tries to say,

'Its okay, my angel,

It will get better,

I'll always be here.'

Just like a love letter.

One word fills me with anger.

That word eats at me.

People lie to me, tell me I'm pretty, I'm skinny.

They want to see me fail.

I know it.

But it's not gonna stop me.

I wont stop hurting.

I'll keep on torturing myself.

I'll forever ignore your 'compliments'

Because I know they aren't true.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Because You don't love me enough to call.

You weakly tell me I'm beautiful.

Tell me you can see my ribs.

Well it's just fat, and fibs.

I'm locked in side your cage.

Like a little canary bird.

Forced to sing for you all alone.

Until you get away from me.

Free from my moans.

I hate that you affect me so.

I feel like I'm dying.

Slowly. Slowly and painfully.

Nothing works.

Not even the razor you gave me.

No blood.

Not even a scratch.

Please hurt me enough,

To set me free.

I gave you what you wanted.

You don't even seem to care,

or listen, no effort put in.

Not mustered up for one little thing.

Why do we carry on?

Pretending that we're in love?

When everything we do,

Together or apart,

We see the difficulty,

It just breaks our hearts.

My Depressing Poem.
Feel free to commet.
x

It's My Fault You Cried... [37]

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I'm Hoping This Little Post Will Come Out Like A Poem... For Skei. Just to say I'm increadibly sorry for corrupting your life.

.

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Just Like to say I''m sorry

For making You Cry

Corrupting your life

And Seeing Your Lies

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I'm Sorry

For bleeding out pain

Puffing the smoke

Failing in Vain

.

I hate to see your tears

mostly when they're for me

For all I see is fears

Please dont cry over me

.

I'm not worth the pain

The attention

The tears

Since I'm not perfection

.

I want to show you how I feel

I just cant put it in words

But I'll give it a go

Although it'll sound obsurd

.

You say I've restored your hope

And given back your heart

That I help You Cope

Like its a fresh start

.

I may compare

myself to you

But Youre beautiful Stare

Makes me realise why I love you

.

Your hair

The static sun

My fault

But loved it when done

.

Your beautiful crystals

the ones we call eyes

Green, blue, brown

Prettier than the skies

.

when we walk

hand in hand

to me, its Paradise

minus the sand

.

I love the way you smell

though others dont

as I can always tell

Whos hugging me from behind

.

I love you for you

No one else

Just you

I always do

.

Give me a promise

No lies

Promise

To try

.

Say goodbye

We wont stay

I've grown wings so we can fly

Fly away

.

I'll wait for the day

I fall asleep

and wake up to you

Dream deep

.

I'll wait paitently

for when the time comes

The time life is beauty

and we are home

.

Always

Together

Til Death

Forever

.

Most of its crap>.<.

but hey

I hope Skei likes it

If not I'll jump out my bedroom window :/

I love you all

x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

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Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

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That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

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I feel loved.

.

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We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

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My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

.

Corr.

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I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

AHHHH FUCKING BINGINGG!! [7]

omg.
right.
NO MORE BINGING.
NO VARIATION FROM MY ORIDGINAL DIET!!

right well iv gained 3 pounds :( thanks to the chocolate and other food.

so im making a drastic and strict change to my diet.

weekends i will fast.
in the week i can vary what i hav from my oridginal diet.
and try to fast on wednesdays too.
and im allowed the occational boiled egg.

NO chocolate
NO fast food
NO ready meals
NO big meals in general
NO potatoes or cereal anymore

cals in the food im going to eat.

boiled egg = 90 cals
apple = 81 cals
cucumber = 24 cals
banana = 108.5 cals
orange = 62 cals
carrot = 26 cals
1 cup strawberries = 43 cals
1/2 red pepper = 16 cals
20 blueberries = 16 cals
10 rasberries = 24 cals
1 cup grapes = 114 cals
1 cup lettuce = 7 cals

im going to try and keep my daily calories to 300 or less. and burn 1000 a day hopefully. then i should lose weight easily. i really need to start not eating the dinner my mum makes.

Ive done my masurements too..
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

gonna start moisturising and dancing in my room at weekends coz i can tell my skin needs the moisture :/ and all that jazz. so hopefully ill lose this extra weight this week...
*crosses fingers*

#[cant remember what number..] I'm A Hazzard To Myself. Only I Know That.

yess well wish me luck >.<

x

Bloggy Numerr 2

right. been binge eating basically everyday -.-

eaten too many calories so today and tomorrow i'm going on a fast to try and make up for it. specially since i've gained 1.5 lbs from my usual weight. then when i start school on monday i shall go back to my oridginal diet plan for a week then fast for a week. no one would like the idea so i've managed to come up with ways to make my mum think i'm eating when i'm on a fast.
eat in my room then give it to my dog
take snacks to school then give them away.

and i must drink lots of water coz i think im getting a sore throte :/ it hurrrrts >.<

weight: 11 st 0.5lbs

i hav a ribbon tied to my wrist that i want my waist to be like, im nearly there aswell :)



hopefully sometime soon ill be a size 10 :D coz i reeeeeeeeeelii wanna fit in this gorgeous dress ive hd inmy cuppboard for AGES and Skei thinks its pretty. god damn arse wont let me fit in it tho :/

mental note: look up exersizes to get a smaller arse.


uhh well thats all today. ill post tomorrow about how my fast has gone and my weight and shizzle :)

ill accept any comments or whatever XD follow?
and i could do with some support, yeah?

well see you sexies tomorrow ;)
x