I dont feel like I'm here...
I have no idea what it is... I just dont feel with it.
I'm scared to step on the scale... I ate 2 bowels of Bran flakes at midnight, One I spilt everywhere (serves me right). It lead me to work out a lot this morning. But I still feel fat. I feel like I've destroyed my chance of getting to 140 in a few days. I know I might be over reacting, it was 2 bowels of cereal. But I just dont know what to expect from my body! It never works the way it should.
I'm getting cutting withdrawal. I need to cut myself, I dont know why I just have to! But theres nothing I can use... knifes are useless. So are scissors. I want to bury myself under my duvet and be alone forever. I dont know what I'll do if I've gained. I was so proud of myself, nearly passed my lowest weight. Now it could all be completely ruined.
I've measured myself briefly. I may be lighter, but I'm certainly not thinner. Nothing has changed. In a moment, I promise I will measure properly. I... will.. weigh myself. I have to know if I've ruined my dream. I may exercise some more... I'll see if I'm in the mood.
(shit I left my soup on the stove...)
I'll post again later.
'It Feels Like I'm Going Crazy'