Monday, 31 May 2010

Is It Weird... [34]

I've Noticed a few strange needs recently. And obsessions of course.
But First. Is It Weird I obsessively cleaned my bathroom toilet yesterday until all I could smell was bleach?
And is it weird that I've become obsessed with my boyfriends weight and measurements?
If It is weird. I'd Like to know. Because honestly, it just hurts.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

30/5/10 Update [33]

Yess its that dreaded day.
I have done slightly well though I must admit.
right so my HW was 160 lbs
whereas now I'm at a CW of 148lbs!
Thats nearly a whole stone!! Just 2 more lbs to go then I'm a stone lighter! Only 3 lbs to go to get to my next target weight! WHOOPEY!
And now for the measurements
Waist 30 [lost an inch]
Hips 36 [stayed the same-.-]
UnderBust 33 [lost an inch]
Bust 37 [lost an inch]
Upperarm 11 [lost 1/2 inch]
Forearm 8 [lost 1/2 inch]
Wrist 6.5 [lost an inch]
Thigh 19 [lost 1/2 inch]
Calf 13.5 [stayed the same]
Ankle 9 [same]
and I cba to do my neck.
And by the way... I didn't know you could lost inches off your wrists!! I thought they were going to stay the same the whole time!
ABC diets working for me then ;)
Although next week is going to be a struggle...
I wont be posting next week coz it'll become obvious.
Unless I post in the room I'm staying in at night... Even is Skei sees it I dont care. He knows and he knows that if he tells anyone... Well... Lets just say I've had enough of him, yeah?
Today I'm on 300 calories... and I have friends Coming over. Balls.
Thats all I wanted to say XD
Stay Strong Girls and Guys! :D
Until... Some Time Next week or maybe tomorrow morning... XD
P.S My BMI is now 23.2
and my Waist-to-hip ratio is 0.83 :S I'm at 'moderate Risk'

Friday, 28 May 2010

I Thoight I'd Give You All Some Thinspo (L) [32]

For All You Emo Lovers ;P And I just tought she looked cool haha!
For You Coupled Up Peoplee and Those Whos Finance Is Teh Fridge XD

Emma Watson and Maxxie from Skins
[I dont know his name, Sorry.]
Cassiee from skins (L)
And Effy From Skins
Some Songs Maybe?
Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful - Bathany Dillon
Beauty From Pain- Superchick
Big Isn't Beautiful - King Adora
Bleed Like Me - Garbage
Blow Away - Staind
Breathe Again - Too Sorry For Apologies
Breathe Me - Sia
Bulimic - The Used
Cars and Calories - Saves The Day
Courage - Superchick
Crawling - Linkin Park
Daddy's Girl - KJ 52
Disturbia - Rihanna
I Will Not Bow - Breaking Benjamin
I'm So Sick - FlyLeaf
Katie - Missy Higgens
Lucy At The Gym - Jill Sobule
Never Good Enough - Rachel Ferguson
Numbers - Pompeii
Over and Over - Three Days Grace
Pain - Three Days Grace
Perfect - FlyLeaf
Raining Again - Staind
She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb
Skin and Bones - FooFighters
Skinny - Filter
Someone I Once Knew - Dead Celebrity Status
Sugar Cane - Missy Higgens
Curse OF Curves - Cute Is What We Aim For
Theres A Class For That - Cute Is What We Aim For
[I Got These Off Of The Blog 'Letters From Ana' I hope Thats Okay?]
Think Thin Girls
Stay Strong

Thursday, 27 May 2010

FML [31]

I hate birthdays.
My Garanddad's birthday today. 66 years old. HUGE chocolate cake. Had 2 pieces. Some healthier chinese food, a donette and a cookie. Bad, bad girl. At least tomorrow I'm only eating 100 cals tomorrow, I love the ABC diet. I'm not going into school either. CBA!! I wouldnt be doing anything interesting anyway. Stuck in Learning Support Unit all day sorting out work. Honestly, I can do that at home. This way I have all day to try to burn off the calories consumed today (somewhere in the 2,000 section >.<). I am honestly going to try really hard tomorrow, Saturday (even though I''m stuck in the capital for the day) and some of Sunday. I'll have to weigh and all that after mon lobly friends leave. Man, Li and Skei. Me and Li are going to put make up on man and Skei and do their hair and me and Li are going to be all man-ish! XD hahahahahahahaaa!!
I'm so weird.
We're going to watch 'Camp Blood' as well and take the piss at how craply made it is. Probably watch some of Scary movie aswell. I have like 5 scary movie films. They're good.
Like todays Thinspo? I dooo! Emma Watson. She is honestly, in my opinion, beautiful. She looks amazing in anything. From glitzy dresses and heels to jeans and trainers. Her face is elegant. Curves in the perfect places and the perfect amount of bustiness and hips. Jelous.
I'm staring an actual Thinspo journal. Filled with exercises. Well. So far.
Oh God. I still have to pack for next week. Skei is stuck sleeping with me for about 5 nights. And spending nearly everyday with me. He's gonna be so pleased. No seriously, He loves the idea! I just dont like the thought of showering at my mum's boyfriend's flat. Just weirds me out a little.
I've nearly got back to 149. One pound off. I can get rid of that by Sunday... right? Or more?
I'm actually knackered!
I'll leave you all at this.
Before I die on my laptop.

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

ABC Day 3 [30]

Okay, ABC, going well.
My current attitude to life? 'Lets Fuck Up Some People!'
I know. I've gone off the walls again. Breaking as many promises possible.
Ones I've broken:
Smoked again
Cut Again
Promises I'm Likely To break:
Smoke Weed with out Skei there
Kiss another guy
And The me inside has shrivelled and died inside me. Making me careless and hateful. And the ABC is giving me something to be good at since I am obviously a thick cow. Getting a D in Maths and a F in Religious Studies. Although I got 2 marks off a B in my German Listening exam and a C in my Science. I found out something amazing the other day. I can get bloated on 500 calories. I think it was the omelet. I don't really like omelets that much... I think that's what bloated me. Especially since I scoffed it.
I bought a book starring an ED! 'LoveSick'. i might write a review on here about it when I'm done. I also want to read 'Purge', the plot to both books seem very interesting to me, that's why I want to read them. Not just coz they're about EDs. I also watched 'Sharing The Secret' a little while back, I found it okay. A little too glamorised to me. I mean, even if your mum knew you were Bulimic, you wouldn't purge right in front of her! I found that a bit weird. But if anyone has a suggestion of a book of film about or including issues on EDs please tell me, I'm interested. It's a good distraction too! Haha!
God, People piss me off. Zanerr is amazingly oblivious at my times of need. Skei had a huge go at her for saying mine and his relationship has been shit for months (what does she know -.-) and she was going on and on saying things like, 'all I said was to treat her properly!' and when Skei said shes not there when her friends need her she totally miss took it as him. No one else, except him and said, 'You don't come to me with your problems!' he said something about a church (?) and she got the idea wrong there too. 'That's because you asked me out and I didn't want to go out with you!' but he meant the time he was dumped. And through all of that, she didn't even think that maybe I needed her sometime recently. My dog died and she didn't even acknowledge it.
Then there's some shit about when I hit Bambi really hard coz she kept hitting me and it fucking pissed me off, that her and that lot of people I don't like anymore were mimicking my twitches.
And earlier today, the emo lot basically invaded the Metal Head's space (yeah I hang with metal heads. Even though I'm not one for too much metal) for no apparent reason and were pissing us off standing over our bags. As I walked away I heard them say my name (pretty fucking loudly) and turn back round to say 'Huh? I heard someone mention my name?' they were all quite and looked at me. Prats. 'No? Fine, Whatever.' and went to have a toke.
I nicked good ol' Lee's fag. well one of them. A straight and not a rollie this time. I almost forgot how great it felt to smoke! corr, relaxed me!
but anyway. I think that's all I want to rant about today. I may go into some in depth detail next blog about something. I dunno what yet. Ha.
Good Luck All
With Weight Loss, Life and whatever else there is in your busy, busy lives!

Monday, 24 May 2010

AhhYouFuggin'FattyFood [29]

The weather is niiiiiiiiice. Although a bit hot for my liking. Heat rash and all. But my forearms are already reasonably tanned. Legs? Pale as ever. Stomach? Not allowed out from under the safety of my tops.

Gym currently equals difficulty. Dont go that often, meaning I frazzle out quickly. Except today I've progressed. Managed 15 minutes on the tredmill building up speed, getting close to 7mph. Woo! Except I'm a fuck up in maths. Got a D on my mock test. Shit. Oh well. Fuck me, aye?

I'm obsessed with the first two seasons of Skins. It was better than the new ones. They actually explored issues and not go over board on sex and drugs. And I LOVE Cassie. I can relate to her the most out of the girls, for obvious reasons, and I think she's gorgeous. I wish I looked like her... Or Effy. Shes gorgeous too! I'm totally getting thinspo of those two!

Started ABC tooday. Doing well, so far consumed around 200 calories and going to have a 300 calorie omlette later. It might be less calories because I dont think I could consume a 3 egg spanish omlette... Might be too big. So around 210 cals in that. ltogether 410 calories around abouts today. Wow. I'm only allowed, maximum of 500 calories today and tomorrow then I think its 300 and etc.
But because its varied, I think I'll be able to stick to it better.
Haaa... Watching Skinsa makes me wanna be like Tony. Yanno, get close to people then fuck them up. I'm going to work on that. I know a few people I could fuck up but with others... I'm not sure.
Wish me luck on being a bitch to people!

Saturday, 22 May 2010

I Hate Myself. [28]

I hate myself.
I've gained 5 lbs.
I know. I deserve to die. I obviously can't fast. I'm a shitty faster and have let down my ana buddie on PT. I'm sorry! I'm pathetic and useless!!
I almost killed myself yesterday because of all the weight I've suddenly gained again. Skei said its muscle because of my exercises. But its obviously not. I barley exercised this week. And I binged like a cow. I'm working on losing the weight again. God, I cant believe myself! AHH!!
But I'm doing more. Trying to force myself to do my daily sit an push ups. Yesterday I walked quite a bit. Picking bluebells and whatnot. And once Skei left I ran back to my house and round to where the fire is, outdoors, and did 30 star jumps and 12 pushups. So I'm hoping I'll lose the weight fast if I restrict my food again. And since I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet on Monday, it'll hopefully work well. And its only about another week until the Pictures are due again! Christ.
After next week is half term. I'll make Skei come out with me around town nearly everyday to keep me moving. And if I buy food I'll only have a bit then give him the rest. Simples.
Oh fuck.
I have to fast on the Wednesday and I honestly dont know how I'm going to get that past my mum and her boyfriend. Balls.
Skei definitly knows now.
Yes he knows I have a crazy ED.
Yet he doesn't quite seem to get how serious this is. But oh well. He might get it if I gain more weight or get to my goal weight of 112 lbs. Which is like centuries off. Sad face.
Ahh. Life sucks, aye?
Yeah It really does.
I have more exams next week. I know. They dont stop. If anyone wants to join me on my ABC diet feel free to comment me. I have about 4 right now. But hey, more diet related ones would be good!
just ask for email :)
I get lonely. HAHA!
bye bubas

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.
Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.
Somethign along the lines of...
excuse me?
you answer it youself
please write it again but in English
and 0.0218736
Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.
My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!
I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!
I'm so Fucked.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Result!! [26]

I'm Just Going To Sit Over Here,
Under My Cloud Of Failure,
In A Puddle,
Of Fuck.

Whey heyy! Right the weight loss competition is going well for me so far! More determined to lose :)

Oh the temptation of today... Dean's gorgeous cocolate spread sandwich and jam sandwich. Offering it to me, my mouth watered. Skei jumped in and snatched the sandwiches out of my grasp and reminded me 'You're on a fast!' his cheeky grin I wanted to slap off of his face! He scoffed them down in seconds! I would have savoured them, the way they deserve. This morning a grabbed a packet of crisps from the bag and shoved it, very obviously-trying to make a point to both my mother and gran, in my school bag. Although when I got round to it, I tossed it towards Dan who looked surprised and shrieked 'CRISPS!' Boys are great hoovers. Its why I hang out with them, they dont take took much notice if you're on a diet. They notice if you haven't got food, but not if you give your food to them. My new descovery. I shall daily take some food sorce to school, then throw it at whoever takes my fancy. Well... Not my FANCY, but whoever walks past at the right time.

These days I have little friends. Bambi, yes the one who said she'd be there for me who hasn't been, called me a prick today. Cow. It was because I stole my bestfriend, Manny's calculator. For a laugh. Jesus. He gets her involved as I put it down my top and she started shouting at me that I'm a prick for not giving it back to him. HA! Says her. She shouted at me last week for being depressed! If one of us is the prick, it's definitly her. So I told her, 'Its nothing to do with you so fuck off! And you're a prick yourself!'

Its honestly pathetic how everyone verbally attacks me. Out of the 180 students in our year, the majority of them choose me. Fuck off!



But hey ho. I've lost more weight :D Which I was singing about today at lunch and Skei looked proud of me, or atleast pleased for me. And good ol' Dan said 'Good on you!'. I feel a little bit loved. So my totaly loss? You ask?

11 Pounds :D
I'm now 149 lbs.

although I have exams all week near enough...

P.S. My arse still doesn't fit in that dress!!

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Background To Me. [25]

I remember growing up for me was a bad experience. All the way through Primary school I would be bullied by all the boys in my class. I was the Fat Girl. No other girl was as fat as me. I was it. Now, thinking back, I may have had a case of compulsive eating passed on from my Mother's excessive eating whenever anything bad happened. For me, I just ate and ate. I had adult portions, plus extra, since the age of around 6. Before 6 years old, I was a normal sized child. I have pictures of me from back then, not particularly thin, but just about right.

Anyway, the weight continued to pile on. I had no clue of how big I really was. I thought I was normal. Then once I moved to the country for year 6 onwards, I still recieved the excessive bullying about my weight. Year 7, I realised how big I really was when I saw a picture of me on my birthday with another fat friend of mine and a skinny one. I was bigger than both of them. I remember that summer, I decided to change. I lost a little bit of weight, not sure how, and cut my hair. I was still fat, I realise that. But through year 8 I grew around 6 inches. I looked thinner, but I was too over weight for my height and age.

Year 9 I got new friends. The Emo crowd. They were what fucked over my eating patterns. There was one girl who would completely stop eating, then binge on shitty foods. At the time she was thin. I started that cycle, desperate to lose the weight I hated. I wanted to be the Hot Friend. Not the Fat one. I became bestfriends with this girl. Over the year I gained more weight but it slowly evened out as I grew another inch or two. I started the cycle of not eating. Then I would binge. Then not eat. It progressed throughout the year. I tried to eat healty in parts of year 8 and 9 but dont remember losing weight. I started going to the gym with my Mother, I gained more weight. I didnt understand it but apparently its natural. Natural? I thought, The gyms supposed to help me lose weight not GAIN it!

At the end of year 9 I dumped my Bestfriend. She was a cow. And at around the same time her boyfriend dumped her. One thing made me happy. She was gaining weight. You could see it. The cellulite on her thighs when she wore shorts, The armpit over hang, obese stomach. I felt slightly enpowered.

Year 10 was when everything started changing drastically involving my weight and eating patterns. I obsessivly googled diets, exercises and anything to help me lose weight. I gave up the healthy option, and went for control. I grew taller, I exercised more and I still had a slight Binge-Purge cycle.

I remember the day I first tried to make myself sick. I had heard more than enough about my boyfriends sexual past. I didnt need to hear that. The thing was... They were probably all skinny. I gulped down so much water I felt overly bloated. The fact I had binged earlier that day meant there was something to come out. So I tried. I locked my bath room door, drank until I almost couldnt breathe, placed my head above the toilet... and stuck my fingers down my throat. I tried various times, nothing came up. Then I nearly did it. But I couldn't. I sat back against the door, puffy, teary eyed, I wanted to die. I wasn't good enough. I mean nothing to anyone. That night I retured to my good old friend, Razor.

After that I turned more into an Ana follower. I still am I suppose. But I started off being a Vegetarian. Then I cut out certain foods. Then I started fasting. Of course all the while my Mother was accusing me of being Bulimic. Which I was for a while. Thinking back I've realised I've converted from ED to ED. First was the compulsive eating. Second was Bulimic Binge-Fast cycle and some abuse of laxatives. Now is Calorie restriction, Fasting and having Ana in my head. My alter, Ana. She tells me how to do it. I'v lost weight now. I'm a little bit happier, But I want perfect. Before I didnt want to have an ED.

But Now.
I Accept it.

Even If I havent Properly Been Diagnosed.
I'd rather not anyway.


Saturday, 15 May 2010

Shitshitshit!! [24]

Okay, I agree. Boyfriends can make you fat. But if you eat loads when he's around, even it out with a day fast or extra exercise. Thats what I do, works pretty well too.

Oh and does anyone agree that emo guy is pretty hot!! ;D I would.

Moving on.
I am starting a weight loss competition that Yum at Yummy Secrets has started. It begins tomorrow! >.< SHIIIIIIT!
Its a bit of healthy competition yanno ;) Go on Yum's blog to get the details :)

Todays been one big ol' binge really. Skei stayed over last night. Ate so much. Curry for dinner yesterday, toast with chocolate spread yesterday, cereal this morning followed by a baked potato with cheese, curry sause and baked beans.
planning on a fast from now until monday. Hopefully I'll lose weight that way and *crosses fingers* I haven't gained any weight today!! PLEASE OH PLEASE!!

I recently joined Pretty Thin, its an amazing website for people with EDs. connect with eachother and share diets and tips, Its really great! The people are so nice and just want to share their story and listen about yours :) Search for me ;)

Uhh, well thars my short update.
I'll post tomorrow with stats so far and how my fast is going
wish me luck

Thursday, 13 May 2010

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.
Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.
My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.
I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.
In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??
Oh Crap.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.
Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.
"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.
That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.
I feel loved.
We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.
Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.
Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.
My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.
I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!
Wow I'm weird.
Oh Well.
Goodbye my sex bombs :D

Sunday, 9 May 2010

How To Day Ended? [21]

Here's today's story.
After my short walk around the near by fields, I got frustrated. Sitting in a tree, gazing at the dreary scenery, I pondered life. Mine? Horrible. A pool of nothingness. Since becoming emotionally numb, I felt like falling, nothing could hurt me. I returned home, spoke to my Gran for a short time, mostly about Skei. Then my Mother awoke. Hair like a pheasant. The norm for when she wakes. I decided I would go for a longer walk. Left, walked down my driveway and in the direction of my school, I walked. When reaching my school, I decided to carry on, that I would walk to Skei's house. Show him my dedication, not just to him. Not just to prove my love to him in one of the slightly more extreme ways. To prove I was ready to change my appearance also. The fact I had not eaten didn't stop me from getting to his house. I walked through the aches and pains and freezing cold wind. An a fact of thinking I was lost many times through out my journey. It was a good few miles. From mine to his, I mean. Arriving at Skei's part of the village, it was around the time they would be having dinner, so I waited. My mother began texting me, where are you?, how did you get there?, and call if you want picking up. I did not want picking up. I wanted to lay myself in the middle of the road. Admire the sky growing ever so impatient for me to get inside. Turning 5:39 I decided to knock on the door. His Grandfather answered. Asking politely as possible I spoke.
"Is Skei in?"
He looked at me as if he had completely forgotten about him. Letting me inside, he asked Skei's Nan, who was busy nattering away on the phone. Right there. Embarrassment. My eyes almost glued to the floor as my hands gingerly hid in their sleeves. Until Skei's Father was brought into the mix. Getting in his car, I thought of two people Skei would likely go to. Whyte or Liam. Wasn't at Liam's and, unfortunately, couldn't find Whyte's.
Fuck. Me.
My only thought. Trust my luck to make him impossible to find. Then, Thankfully, Christopher, received a text. Along the lines of, He's on his way home. Good.
Christopher Told me i could wait in Skei's room, I decided to go with that since we got back before him and I'd rather be alone than sit with everyone. I'm not as social with people's families. So I waited a good 10/15 minutes, glancing at posters with a feeling of disgust rise within me as to what these posters were telling me. A big tick list, including have a threesome, have sex outdoors, and some even more excruciating suggestions trying to kill me. It worked. I died a little more inside, although being numb most the weekend I still felt the hate I have for myself.
Seeing him burst through the door with a slightly concerned look on his face, which looked strangely child-like with his short, bleached blonde hair. The one thing that hit me then was, He's totally oblivious... and he was. He had no clue that today was our 8 month anniversary. I knew I should have felt more pained but all I felt was emptiness.
More broken promises between us. He smoked weed when the previous Wednesday I asked him not to, explaining I wouldn't smoke if he didn't take the drugs that just made him worse. Earlier that day I decided to break a promise, knowing he wouldn't suddenly pop out of thin air right before me. I cut. Numb and No More. I know what i meant by it. It still stings actually, more so than when it was bleeding. Showing him, his expression grew more depressive. he knew this time it was his fault. He did this. He caused this. He knew he had fucked up majorly.
Then I mentioned the lack of chatter in my head. That they were suffocating. And probably, if I get better, I'll permanently lose them. His two alters, who have fallen for two of my alters, reacted badly.
One final time, I have forgiven him.
If he does this to me again.
He'll have to cope on his own.
I pointed out that even though he wasn't there for me when Sparkie died, I was there for him the next day. His childhood friend's two year death anniversary.
There's what generally happened today, In story form. Tomorrow I have an ICT exam, which I am likely to fail.
Around 11 pm ish I am going to be seeing a comedian with my mum, her boyfriend and Skei.
Wish me luck in my exams all week.
And I must say, I think i burnt a shit load of calories. Two and a half ish hours straight walking, no food, [until earlier... coconut yogurt.] and exercises in the morning plus a small walk.
well goodbye, good night and I may blog tomorrow...
Doubtfully. I'm sure you're all happy to hear that.

Night my lovers.

Sundayy... [20]

Well I've done my exercises for the morning.
20 Push-ups
30 Sit-ups
20 Bicycal Sit-ups
10 Leg lifts [Each side, Lying down]
10 Leg lifts [each side, Standing up]
Haven't gone for a run because it looks aweful outside. and I've now got a pair of jeans on [Which I am scared if I take them off, then I might not be able to get them back on..] YES! I MANAGED TO PUT ON AND DO UP A PAIR OF SIZE 10 JEANS!! AHAHAAA RESULT!! I finished cleaning my room too so that should have burnt an extra few calories. Had my vitimins and 'happy pills'. I think they are just making me emotionally numb. Its weird. I cant feel anything emotional right now, not even depression about my dog dieing. I am convinced there is something wrong with me. I haven't heard much from Ana, Syke and G the last couple of days... I think this numbness is suffocating them.
I've come up with my own bracelet code to do with my weight.
Weight and shagband code [Coz I have lots of shagbands]
147 lbs + Orange
140-146 lbs Pink
133-139 lbs Green
126-132 lbs Blue
119-125 lbs Purple
112-118 lbs Black
Obviously at the moment I'm wearing Orange. I have to lose... *Calculates* around 5.5 lbs or 6.5 lbs depending. But thats not too much. I went on a website which told me how long it would take me to get to my goal weight with a spesific calorie deficite. And I can get to 145 lbs in 18 days with a daily calorie deficite of 1000. And to 140 lbs in 1 month 5 days with the same calorie deficite. So all looks good, just need to stay positive!
Right this one was shorter than usual, since it's just about midday. So I might post later, tell you guys how everything went. Oh, and I'm going to eat 4 bite size pieces of celery to get used to it, coz I read it burns like 40 odd calories? So yesss...
Well must be off!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.
Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.
It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.
I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.
When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.
I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.
I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.
OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.
I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.
Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.
Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!
Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]
Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!
I can't even wait!
Good Night Beauties

Friday, 7 May 2010

*Sigh* [18]

First of all today, I am currently watching America's Nect Top Model. Always makes me more detremined.
Second. I sould stop drinking juice for a while. Because I've had it so much recently I have a pretty bad stomach and probably washed out all the crap inside me by now. So I'll stick to water again.
Third. Just calculated I'm 152 pounds! (VICTORY IS NEAR) I'm so happy I've lost 8 pounds, although I still want to lose more. Also today I've eaten around 400-500 calories. Meh. I'll get stricter. Done my 20 push ups today aswell.
Been carrying on with my wall thinspo and writing more in my diet booklet. I need to decide on what other exercise to do. Any suggestions?
I LOVELOVELOVE having a converter on my phone! So I can specially change my weight from stones to pounds, its increadible. I love it. Its so fun! AHAHA!!
Oh wow... My BMI is 23.8! I swear before I was 26.something! WOO!! Ha! I'm quite happy now.
Although I still want to lose 26 pounds. I hate being Nearly 11 stone. I'm such a perfectonist and so analytical now! Its insane! I swear English has set this off as I've have to analyse everything that passes my reading grip. Shows I can be determined when I want to be. Specially since no one listens or supports me. They can all die in Hell for all I care now. They want me to be fat, obviously. Not gonna happen.
I'm having really bad cravings. For chicken (Though I've been a vegetarian for nearly a year) and Spicy things, yet I cant face eating a vegetarian curry (large portion as my mum always puts on my plate) with white rice. I might ask to change it to the healthier rice, then hav a small bit of curry. Ohhhh lush!
Tomorrow I'm planning a jog. Then on my return to pick flowers to make everyone at home think I'm in a good mood. Paha!
Shall be watching embarrasing bodies XD God some of the stuff on there is actually GROSS with all capital letters.You know, its shocking how many times I've gotten up to pee whilst writing this blog! Thanks to all the water I'm consuming! Freezing cold water too (woo! Burning calories).
I'm also going to try and help out my Gran some more (She's just has a hip replacement so can't do much.) as I helped her once and she gave me a fiver (Result!) and I need some mroe money. It just makes me feel more secure for some reason. Ah, back to my issue about control! Everything I do seems to revolve around my lack of control and finding ways to get some kind of control. God, I'm even self analytical of both my physical appearance and of whats going on inside my head. The underlying issues. I think too much, thats why!
Ahh should get to sleep sometime soon...
Nothing else to say for the moment either
baii :)

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Ahh I Know Double Post.. [17]

Right Several Things.

My stomach officially HATES fast food.
It reacts badly to Yogurt and Apple juice in one day.
And I missed my cervical cancer jab today thanks to my shitty school not telling our parents when they are!! Now my Mum has to sort out me getting it done privately. FFS!

The schools in my area are SHIT!!


Just weighed myself :/ 11 stone. Probably coz of the cereal and huge juice consumption of today. I'll fast until dinner tomorrow and have something small for dinner and more water and juice.

I've started on my wall Thinspo, Looking through old magazines and taring out the skinny models and whatnot. Looks pretty good to me. Might take a picture for you all when it's done :D

and whilst going through those magazines I've tared out all the diets and exercise plans out and going to decide what I can actually manage and when I'll do them. Also listening to a Dance Music Channel coz there's nothing else on.

Ahh.. Weekend Fast.

Since last weekend's didn't go too well, and I haven't exactly stuck to my diet since last Friday, I really need to be determined for the next three days. I need to just keep thinking, 'avoid that fatty food and be closer to perfection'... *sigh* I want to be perfect SOO BADLY. It seems no one wants me to be perfect or happy. Everyone [Including my Gran] say I don't need to lose weight, although quite obviously I do. There's been one little nagging feeling recently. 'What If I'm Not Happy Once I'm Skinny??' But I'm ignoring it. Even counteracting it by coming up with 10 reasons why I want to be thin. Fantastic Aye?

Tasks For Tomorrow:
Carry On Thinspo Wall
Look Through The Ripped Magazine Pages And Decide Exercise Shizz
Not Eat. Lol.
Pick More Flowers.
Probably more...

I'll think about it tomorrow.
I might research Kate Moss' diets. Just coz I like Kate Moss. I think shes gorgeous.

If you saw my stack of old magazines, you'd have a real job on your hands. OH I'll do that tomorrow too! Go through more magazines! Corr, Keep me going until Saturday. All through If I have Loads Of Distractions.

Ugh. I don't want to go to Diploma tomorrow. Its all paperwork bollocks. I'm glad I didn't go to school most the week. Skei got suspended yesterday so I didn't really want to be at school when he was at home. He's also moving out of his family's house today. Moving into a friend's house. He cant stand his family anymore, must say I don't like them much myself... One, They think I'm a slut. Two, his Gran Shouted at us the first time I was over. Shoot. Me.

My stomachs still upset from the shitty yogurt. It was gross I must admit. I think I'll stick to my coco nut one. Healthier and tastes better.

I am going on quite a bit aren't I? Oh well! Ahahahaa!
Uhh, well I guess I better get on.

Until Tomorrow Sex Machines! (Ha!)

New Set Of Determination [16]

Right, New Determination.

This Month I hope to lose 5 pounds at LEAST!

Since I haven't been to school most the week, I need to start doing more. Its just I'm a lazy bitch and turned down going to the gym this week because I was too depressed. Next week I shall see if Mum wants to go to the gym or not, and in time of Nothing-To-Do I should do sit ups. I haven't done them in a while. Haven't watched t.v in a while either. Also I want to go and pick somemore flowers, make the house smell nice and all that.

I need to stick to my diet again. Shall start that tomorrow and not eat anything else today. Not even hungry at the moment.

I should clean my room... The most I need to do is put some clothes away, some in the washing and put my school books away. And some magazines too.
Theres something I can do tomorrow. Get out all the exercise and diet pages and put them somewhere, like in a folder or on the wall. Or make a huge thinspo on my wall.


Sounds like fun.
I need to get a bin to put all the random paper thats lying around to recycle. I'll Do that in a second.

Right Thats About All Todayy

Bye All :)

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Hmm.. :/ [15]

Not eating much. [WHEYHEY] but eating choclate and sweet things..

oh well. I should burn some of it by cleaning my room and going for a walk to pick flowers for Sparkie. Sorted things out with Skei too. One Less thing to worry about.

I think my weight is the main problem with me. Its like fat girls and tall skinny guys punch things. Not skinny little bitches. Oh how i hate them. I'll be one soon. Or some when.

I hope to loose at least 7 pounds this month. since i lost 8 last month.

I realised something the other day. I was flicking through diet blogs and pro-ana ones [I find them interesting okay?] and i found a few girls are really quite big :/ like 12 stone kind of big at, like 5 foot 4. I just think 'I'm 5'7" and I'm not that heavy!' which makes me feel better about myself.

so does watching supersize vs super skinny and all that sort of thing. And I remember in year 9 I think, We watched 'Supersize me' about this weight lifter dude in America who decided to eat nothing but mcdonalds and do no exercise. It was HORRIFIC! He threw up after eating a supersize portion of some kind of burger, And found a HAIR in I think a drink of his.


Definitley puts you off food.

Almost for life.

Definitly fast food and meat.


But moving on before I vom. I shall hopefully be doing more. I might pick flowers more often.
My 8 month anaversary on Sunday!!
Then Im seeing a comedia on Monday ! WOO!
although I've got exams next week and the week after :/
well i wish you Guys the best of Slimming!
I do love you.
O'course, If you follow...
I'll marry you ;]

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Yah 2 Post Day.. [14]

ahhh :/
totally heartbroken.

Sparkie has gone to sleep now. sweet dreams baby boy. see you in heaven.

right now i'm beginning to stuff my face. had a mars bar. about to have some chips from the chippy van [corrrr] but i know i wont eat anything the next couple of days.

the next week i'll be either cutting myself, smoking or bashing things.
tomorrow i'm going to comfort Skei. and tell him my little plan [mwahaha.. no not like that..] 'lets starts over, yeah? Then maybe this time we can handle things, together...' that sort of thing.
end of coz if i go into it i'll cry.

so. hopefully gym next week. p.e thursday [kill. me.] maybe a few walks. like yesterday. and the agression i'll be portraying to most might come in handy.

'oh why weren't you here, omg we needed you for citizenship!! blah blah..'
my response?
'well my dog was put down yesterday so back to fuck up or get hit.'
coz i'm such a lovely person.
i'm thinking about starting karate and/or yoga classes... if i can find a friend to go with.
would be interesting.
learn something new, lose weight. all that.
I'm expecting a call now.
bye beauties!

The Dreaded Day.. [13]

First, I just wanna say I think she has a GORGEOUS body <3>


that's all i have to say. Shit.

yesterday Skei didn't turn up, sending me into breakdown and making me less likely too eat.

at least something good came from it.

then he was on IM and told me he drugged himself up the whole weekend because of the voices and cut himself. fantastic.

3 promises broken in one weekend. fucks sake.

I'm in a better place about it though because of my dream last night. too weird and complicated to explain. maybe some other time. but the thing is, it seems hes allowed to break any promise we have and I'm not allowed to break any. I've broken one. i cut myself.

i did so last night as well. the one on my stomach bled the most. hes a hard core cutter, he cuts enough for them to bleed like fuck. i thought he was stronger tan that. but right now.

all I'm going to ask him, is to not do it again.

it hurt so bad when he told me. sometimes i wish i could break a few promises to show him what its like. how it feels.

but thanks to my dream last night I've realised how much i really do love him. and right now. i need him. even if he did make my third alter. write about him later too.

good thing is, I've only eaten a bowel of cereal and 2 custard creams. and I'm not about to eat any time soon. now i have a reason. I'd rather get shoved into a mental health centre than lose my dog but since its happening, probably should take advantage of it. :[ life sucks when you're me.

and my waist to hip ratio is really bad. its like 0.85 or 8.5 what ever the measuring thing is.


i hardly ever get anything my way anymore.

got out of school though. for today. and i figure drinking lots of juice cleans out your colon? I'll google it later.

tonight i may hurt myself some more. I've broke out in a rage and punched myself for being so useless.

i must say, Skei seems to forget i have voices too. he has a way to block them out, i don't.

difficult relationship i have. but I've found ways to make my feel and re-realise how much i love him. aha secret ;]

well that's about all on this front... I'll post on my day-to-day blog about Sparkie and if Skei calls me like i asked...

Have a good day


Sunday, 2 May 2010

4 week Updatee [12]

Hey Mon Babiess ;)
heres the shizzlee

Weight: 10stone 12 pounds
before: 11stone 2 pounds
all together: 4 pounds!!

Current Measurements
Waist: 31 inches
hips: 36 inches
thigh: 19 1/2 inches
calf: 13 1/2 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 34 inches
bust: 38 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 8 1/2 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches
Again. RESULT!!!
haaaaaaaaa <3
righty i think thats all..
bubii ;]