Right Now I hate blogger.
It's pissing me off.
I CAN'T COMMENT! (Which brings me to say 'Periiiii I misss youu :( Fuckin' blogger wont let me comment, I'm not being a bitch and ignoring you! Bloggers being an ARSE HOLE! GAHHHH!! >:[' )
And not it wont even let me upload a picture.
I'm already in a bad enough mood because of my massive late night binge and failed attempt to purge. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS PUKE? I can't do it unless I've had obsene amounts of alcohol!
Now I feel fat, bloated and ill.
Breatharian-iam went out the window a few hours after I started.
I'm just gonna fast. Basically the same thing. Who cares. I wanna die pretty soon anyway. Might as well start killing myself off now!
Who wants the gossip on Skei?
I'm gonna tell you anyway. I was with him yesterday, when we first saw each other he played me a song he wrote. For me.
Later on he asked me to Prom even though he's not going coz he hasn't paid but he says he's gonna try to go.
THEN he asked me out. Asked me to be his girlfriend again. Know what I said?
'No. Not until you prove to me you have changed. I wont go out with you.'
Feel proud of me bitchess XD
Seeing him tomorrow... I don't know what I'm doing. I'm playing with fire. WITH FIRE!
I'm just too stupid to notice.
Had a massive clean of my room. Now I'm organising. But it's too late to finish so it'll all end up on the floor in a bit. I'm shattered. I don't even know what I'm doing with myself anymore...
I guess that's it for the night. I want my pillow -.-
Good night. I'll try and fix this fucking comment problem!
Liebe das Kodii
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Sunday, 29 May 2011
close to a slice of chocolate cake.
close to a slice of cheese cake.
4 teaspoons full of potato salad.
5 mini doughnuts.
3 cream and jam rolls.
2 shortbread biscuits.
After that I became determined to become a proper Breatharian. I spent the rest of my morning reading through the research I printed yesterday. I seem to connect well with religious and spiritual reasons for fasting. It's weird.
Although Breatharians don't consume anything (even liquids or water) I'm going to allow myself water. And alcohol at parties. *laugh* I may go out on the treadmil if Manny doesn't give me a text... We're supposed to go see The Hangover Part 2 today but he didn't text or show up yesterday, he might just forget again. -.-'
I need a fag.
I tried on some of my dresses that are in my cupboard last night...
One I could easily pull on. A bit tight around the boobs but most of my dresses are. Dress number 2, couldn't zip up what so ever. Number 3 I had to hook the top bit first before having to turn it around and zip it up. Didn't completely zip up. Number 4 and 5, the seems cracked a bit as I pulled them over my boobs. Wasn't really expecting that.
I may go downstairs and do some cleaning with my extra ankle weights and my electric muscle contractor thing on my waist. I'm keeping focus on my waist as it's, well, massive. Last time I measured it, it was 34 inches. Not. Fucking. Good.
I miss being 147lbs. Gaining this weight has made me realise how slim I looked at 147 even though I thought I was big and saw no difference. I now see it. And wish I had it back.
Well I'm off to see what I can do down stairs. Then I'll clean my room.
I love you all :)
Viele Liebe Kodiee
Saturday, 28 May 2011
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.
I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.
I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.
Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.
My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.
I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.
This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!
Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Okay first off, sorry for the delay. I was going to post about a week or so ago but my computer had a spazz. Then I had 4 exams last week, a leavers day party to go to, a guy to meet and an exam yesterday.
The 4 exams last week, eh okay I suppose.
Leavers Day. Skei KISSED ME and admitted he's still in love with me, just fucking up my mind EVEN MORE.
The leavers Day party... got a new smoking buddy, drank a lot, puked. Managed to sleep 12 straight hours after crying my still partially drunken self to sleep.
The guy. Stood me up. He has no chance now. Fuck him I don't deserve to be stood up with out even a text.
My exam yesterday was... okay. Had the last of my bacci yesterday (note to self: GET MOREEE) and shared around a straight fag with Manny, Tedd and Taffy.
I feel fat and have binged like a mother bitch today. I had a whole fucking tart. 3 bowels of rice and curry sauce. A bowel of bran flakes. And this is one of the times I wished I could purge.
I'm fasting from tomorrow onwards. I did fast walk/jog for about 20-30 minutes yesterday. Tomorrow I'm ceremonially burning my old school stuff (I AM PFFICIALLY ON STUDY LEAVE!!!!!!! YESSSS!!) With Tedd, Manny and Taffy so I'm unlikely to eat and hopefully I can pinch a few fags from them.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I'm shattered. I dont know why. And bollocks, I was going to have a shower an hour ago but lost track of time. Shit.
This is a crappy post.
But I NEEEEEEEED to shower. I might post tomorrow if I get a spare moment, if not then Friday after my Science exam.
much love from the FATTY MCFAT KODIIIIII
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
I had to take time for myself. I felt ashamed (as you do when you gain 20lbs in 2 months) and couldn't face coming back. I was also trying to distract myself from Skeii (Who, as it turns out, wants me back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!).
Heres an over view.
I got with Skeii's friend, Jed. (I am changing peoples names again coz I'm annoying.)
I'm smoking A LOT. And so is Manny.
I'm cutting again. Becase I got so desperate that I decided to use a knife until I found a lose razor blade which is my best friend.
I got with some dude... cringe.
I'm hopfully gonna get with this nearly-18-year-old guy called Justin Pike.
I got 37 out of 40 marks on a Diploma project (highest in my class! SCORE!)
I've discharged myself from my out-of-school counselling today.
I'm gonna get a bonzai tree! HAHA
I'm going to Spain in the summer (Ahhhh... Lushh!)
I am nearly on study leave. (20th May)
Generally, things are better. I know I'm not over Skei but I am working through it with the help of my dearest friend Manny.
And I shit myself when I saw how many followers I now have (even though I haven't posted in forever).
Made me happy.
Here's where I become honest about my weight and diet problemo.
I got to 164/165 ish lbs.
I have been starving myself (for the first time since before Christmas) for 2 days.
I'm at 158.6lbs I think?
I have a lot of updating to do, but I am happier because now I can half focus on not eating but not so much that I have to eat. I'm proud of myself today. I feel like nothing can take me down right now.
I feel... Almost Free.
I love you guys. I'm sorry for not commenting or posting or even reading.
I will read the usual lot of blogs I read as soon as I'm finished updating.
Also, If anyone wants to be an e-mail buddy in case I dissapear again, contact me at: email@example.com
I feel Powerful.