Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.

Most of all. I need his love.

It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.

I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.

.

I hope I get one last chance.

x

'I'm Never Good Enough'

I'm Not.

I never will be.

You don't love me anymore.

You cant even call me when you promised.

I'm so imperfect.

And full of self loathing.

I'm filled with hatred for myself.

Because I'm not perfect.

My thighs still touch,

My stomach overhangs my jeans.

My ribs are too scared to show themselves to the world.

My hips wobble.

My arms have wings.

I even hate my voice,

When I sing.

I pretend I'm happy.
I hate my face.

My nose is big.

My mouth is small.

I hate that I don't feel tall.

I hate that even though I fake I'm okay,

Everyone sees my non existent self-esteem.

But no one tries to say,

'Its okay, my angel,

It will get better,

I'll always be here.'

Just like a love letter.

One word fills me with anger.

That word eats at me.

People lie to me, tell me I'm pretty, I'm skinny.

They want to see me fail.

I know it.

But it's not gonna stop me.

I wont stop hurting.

I'll keep on torturing myself.

I'll forever ignore your 'compliments'

Because I know they aren't true.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Because You don't love me enough to call.

You weakly tell me I'm beautiful.

Tell me you can see my ribs.

Well it's just fat, and fibs.

I'm locked in side your cage.

Like a little canary bird.

Forced to sing for you all alone.

Until you get away from me.

Free from my moans.

I hate that you affect me so.

I feel like I'm dying.

Slowly. Slowly and painfully.

Nothing works.

Not even the razor you gave me.

No blood.

Not even a scratch.

Please hurt me enough,

To set me free.

I gave you what you wanted.

You don't even seem to care,

or listen, no effort put in.

Not mustered up for one little thing.

Why do we carry on?

Pretending that we're in love?

When everything we do,

Together or apart,

We see the difficulty,

It just breaks our hearts.

My Depressing Poem.
Feel free to commet.
x

It's My Fault You Cried... [37]

.

I'm Hoping This Little Post Will Come Out Like A Poem... For Skei. Just to say I'm increadibly sorry for corrupting your life.

.

.

Just Like to say I''m sorry

For making You Cry

Corrupting your life

And Seeing Your Lies

.

I'm Sorry

For bleeding out pain

Puffing the smoke

Failing in Vain

.

I hate to see your tears

mostly when they're for me

For all I see is fears

Please dont cry over me

.

I'm not worth the pain

The attention

The tears

Since I'm not perfection

.

I want to show you how I feel

I just cant put it in words

But I'll give it a go

Although it'll sound obsurd

.

You say I've restored your hope

And given back your heart

That I help You Cope

Like its a fresh start

.

I may compare

myself to you

But Youre beautiful Stare

Makes me realise why I love you

.

Your hair

The static sun

My fault

But loved it when done

.

Your beautiful crystals

the ones we call eyes

Green, blue, brown

Prettier than the skies

.

when we walk

hand in hand

to me, its Paradise

minus the sand

.

I love the way you smell

though others dont

as I can always tell

Whos hugging me from behind

.

I love you for you

No one else

Just you

I always do

.

Give me a promise

No lies

Promise

To try

.

Say goodbye

We wont stay

I've grown wings so we can fly

Fly away

.

I'll wait for the day

I fall asleep

and wake up to you

Dream deep

.

I'll wait paitently

for when the time comes

The time life is beauty

and we are home

.

Always

Together

Til Death

Forever

.

Most of its crap>.<.

but hey

I hope Skei likes it

If not I'll jump out my bedroom window :/

I love you all

x