Make A Wish...

OMG.
Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
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I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
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Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
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Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
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I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
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Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
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Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
x
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P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD

You're Amazing

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd update you on how things are going away from my blog.
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I've already got 4 Love interests. Including Skei.
Tonight I'm going to a bonfire with my friend Rhii, and I'm going to be smoking alot.
I've dropped a few pounds, not too many more to go until I'll be back properly.
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I look forward to being back, and telling you all about what's been going on.
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Anyway, I must be off.
I still love you, don't worry!
;D
x

Just Waiting...

Here I am.

Playing the waiting game once more.

Skei is coming over today. I hope he does anyway. Considering the weather, he'll turn up soaked from the rain. Make me appreciate him again. I've decided that I'm going to keep Skei, even if he thinks it best we break apart. I refuse to get ready until exactly 1 o'clock, in an attempt to keep my hopes from rising too high. The past two weeks have made me realise what I missed out on when I was focused on Skei. I didn't speak to my friends, all I worried about was him and my pursuit of perfection. Now, I've also realised, I wouldn't change him for the world. I need him, I need to help him.

Most of all. I need his love.

It's my Birthday tomorrow. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm on the brink of tears. What will I do if he doesn't turn up again? I'll have to accept it as a final rejection. Try to move on. Although, I don't think I can. It would honestly be the final straw that breaks me in two, right through the chest, making my heart explode, and unusable.

I hope he does come back to me. I'm going to wear my favourite clothes, the ones I broke down in over a week ago. To look my best for him, hopefully change his mind about abandoning me in a bottomless pit of self hatred and anxiety.

.

I hope I get one last chance.

x

Good Girl? Okay?

I'm in a lesbian mood today... I think its because of my period? Do you guys get that? Or am I just extremely weird? XD
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Yet another body I am jealous of!
Although my best thinsperation is at school. Some girls are just grotesque (ehem.. Kitty) And I feel normal sized (or at least in proportion compared to them) and some random compliments occasionally XD
Like 'You have really nice legs!'
Tbh.. isn't that a weird thing to say? 'I want your legs!'
Okayy... well I'm not giving them to you?! o.O
HAHA! Even worse one I get, 'I want your boobs!'
Err, sure you do?! x.x
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Oh yes, I'm a good girl. I've actually STARTED doing the coursework I was given before summer XD
Done one piece, started reading 'Lord of the Flies'. Apparently its a gruesome book (Says my Gran XD) about kids turning cannibal... well lets hope it puts me off my lunch!! :D
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But I haven't made corrections for my Citizenship. I might just ask Carpet (my Mum's boyfriend XD) to do it as he's the one basically writing it for me haha!
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OMG.
I'm nearly 16... o.O
Feels so weird! Unfortunately I cant drive... but I can FUCK! XD Paha! And I'm applying for some type of ID so I can go to concerts with out needing to take my facking(that mistake is on purpose ;]) passport with me! WOO! And I signed up for a Tesco clubcard... I'm so cool! XD I've got all sorts of soppy cards for saving money at places now! All in preparation for living with my Dad for two-three years! o.o I have so much I need to move out though! But I'm gonna be nice and let my mum keep some DVDs I have XD lovely ain't I? Oh and I'm gonna let her take a picture of me on the morning of my first day starting year 11(My final year!!)... Coz her and my Gran always complain they don't have any pictures of me at my age. Well duh!
I'm a teenager, we stay away from family camera flashes!
Ha, teenagers are like Vampires or Owls.
Owls.
We sleep all day coz we were up all night on the computer or (the ones who have a social life) partying.
I'm the computer one. Obvs. -.-'
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My back huuurts :( GAY PERIOD.
Oh... Irony.
If you don't get it then look what I said at the beginning of this post!!
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Faack I rambled alot today!!
OHOHOH
List for today.
3 random facts about yourself!
1- I read all of my blog posts at least twice. Once before I post and once after.
2- I have an Anorexic friend I intend on fattening up when school starts coz she's been in hospital too many times. Makes me sad. I promise its a good thing XD
3- I never had any imaginary friends as a kid. My toys were my friends. TT_TT
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Okay there's mine!
I hope you don't leave me coz of how weird they are XD
I lave you!
Oh btw...
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You're all beautiful!
Or hot if you're a guy XD
x

Little Rant From G

Hello, this is G.
Kodii's other personality.
Yes I am a guy.
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I have to rant right now before I attempt to kill Skei or hurt this body.
Right, I'm seriously gonna start head butting things if Skei doesn't listen to me and keeps going on and on about being a fuck up. Yes, fucking well done you're a fuck up. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
He fucking says he's had the money and ideas to make things up to Kodii but he goes and spends it on drugs coz he's scared she wont like it. Aren't relationships all about taking chances and trying your hardest to show how you feel? He just hurts Kodii more by taking all these fucking drugs, trying to hide it, then Kodi either finds out or he accidently tells her.
Heres a few promises he's made to her.
-Stop smoking
-stop drugs
-stop cutting
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And guess what, he still does them all but has cut back on cutting. then he threatens me that if I touch him again he's going to break my neck. Haha, brilliant, trying to get back at me when I'm defending his girlfriend and I'm actually in her fucking body. Brilliant, brilliant threat right there.
And he decides that we dont love them. Obviously I do since I uh fucking proposed to one of Skei's other personalities! Obviously Kodii does seeing as she uh, gave him her virginity, draw things for him every few weeks, tries to celebrate every month anaversary... you get the idea.
And now with him saying shit like this, Kodii wants to kill herself. Again. You know, three times she's been talking to him in the process of killing herself. Every time she;s stopped short of it just to apologise to him for everything she's done.
My God.
She's managed to stop cutting herself for a few months now and is screaming at me to end it for her (I'm not going to just so you know.) And now I have a feeling Skei is SLEEPING in HER BED.
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He hasn't spoken for a good hour now so I'm guessing he has.
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My list of today is
3 things you hate the most.
1 technically not exhisting
2 only exhisting in Kodii's body and mind
3 The way Kodii is treated by, I dunno, fucking everybody?
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Thank you for letting me rant, hopefully next time Kodii will be back to post.
If not, Either me (G), Syke or Ana will post and tell you how she is and whotnot.
Fucking good bye.
Cross your fingers I dont kill anybody!
x

I'M BEING CHECKED OUT??????

Ahahahahaa!!

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My God I never thought I'd say that!

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Okay it started at the wedding where I got drunk, the two guys around my age who I got friendly with (thanks to Skei) later in the night (After being rather wasted and T puking a rainbow XD) told me they were both proper checking me out when they first saw me and were doing their weird little signal to eachother meaning they thought I was hot.

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Oh.

My.

GOD!

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I've never been checked out before! They said they thought I was like 18 (urhh like 2 and a bit years off bbe XD) and the reason they thought I was hot was coz..

-I have nice legs

-I looked cool in my skinnies

-I have a nice bum

-I have a nice face

-I have big boobs

I mean SERIOUSLY?? 2 guys thought(well think..) I'm hot?? And haha... I slept in the same bed as T and Skei... Both in their underwear... teehee ^-^ I feel slightly whore-ish (Yeah Peri You have a point ;]) And T was the Hot one.. G was the short shubby one. Who's room I got changed in before we even spoke XD He was shocked when he found that out. And I was the first girl to stay in his room ;) PAHAHA! I'M SO COOL! XD

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And today in Iceland (the food shop..) This kinda hot guy was checking me out when I was standing with my Gran (PAHA!) I guessed he was checking me out because he was looking at me until he passed me. And he made full 3 second eye contact with me.

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Corr... Am I hot now??? Wow. I don't feel it... But I like the attention XD

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Anyway. I was shocked when I saw the increase in Followers. FANKS PrettyWreck<3>(Btw can someone tell me how to link to other bloggers on my blog? I'm sucha retard)

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And to whoever likes lists... I LIKE THEM TOO!

Todays list!

5 Favourite possesions. Not people... You don't own people. Well... I don't myabe you do?

Anyway..

1Laptop<3

2My only size 8 shorts

3My Huge comfy trainers that are battered

4My phone...

5My little stuffed toy dog Poppy :3

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WOO!...

?

I dont know.

One final notice... I'm going to attempt to fast. Yeah. Not much hope really, aspecially for 5 days... BUT I WILL TRY HARD

Ah...

Well... Sayonara <3

x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

*Sigh* [39]

I want to dissapear into the night.
Do you think I'll get away with that?
I need help.
In all manners.
I need help to stay away from things, I need help with work, I need help with stress, I need help with relationships... I need help with everything.
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My solutions so far?
For One, Say I'm ill.
For two, getting Skei and my mum to help me with coursework.
For three, 'happy pills'.
For four... nothing. Unfortunetly.
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My usual solutions are to take pain killers, smoke a fag and cut myself. Probably not the best idea but I couldnt care less.
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I'm seeing improvements. Even though I'm no my period, I'm 147.5.
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Yeah I have no enthusiasm today. I'm just annoied that I cant come up with places and ways to meet new people. Prefferably with more guys, coz I get along better with them. I'll have to Google some shit later.
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I may breakdown before my exams take place from now on. I did before my German speaking. Apparently I got an A.
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I want a fucking huge box. For all my stuff I dont want my mum to see. With a HUGE lock on it. I need to figure how to earn some money too. Or I shall be fucked. Dunno how. But yes.
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Sorry, this post has been a bit all over the place in a depressed way.
I'll end this post with something Skei just said about me and my EDNOS.
'I'm worried about it, but I'm happy that its helping you'
Not sure what to think of that one.
x

Is It Weird... [34]

I've Noticed a few strange needs recently. And obsessions of course.

.

But First. Is It Weird I obsessively cleaned my bathroom toilet yesterday until all I could smell was bleach?

And is it weird that I've become obsessed with my boyfriends weight and measurements?

If It is weird. I'd Like to know. Because honestly, it just hurts.

x

FML [31]

I hate birthdays.

My Garanddad's birthday today. 66 years old. HUGE chocolate cake. Had 2 pieces. Some healthier chinese food, a donette and a cookie. Bad, bad girl. At least tomorrow I'm only eating 100 cals tomorrow, I love the ABC diet. I'm not going into school either. CBA!! I wouldnt be doing anything interesting anyway. Stuck in Learning Support Unit all day sorting out work. Honestly, I can do that at home. This way I have all day to try to burn off the calories consumed today (somewhere in the 2,000 section >.<). I am honestly going to try really hard tomorrow, Saturday (even though I''m stuck in the capital for the day) and some of Sunday. I'll have to weigh and all that after mon lobly friends leave. Man, Li and Skei. Me and Li are going to put make up on man and Skei and do their hair and me and Li are going to be all man-ish! XD hahahahahahahaaa!!

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I'm so weird.

We're going to watch 'Camp Blood' as well and take the piss at how craply made it is. Probably watch some of Scary movie aswell. I have like 5 scary movie films. They're good.

Anyway.

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Like todays Thinspo? I dooo! Emma Watson. She is honestly, in my opinion, beautiful. She looks amazing in anything. From glitzy dresses and heels to jeans and trainers. Her face is elegant. Curves in the perfect places and the perfect amount of bustiness and hips. Jelous.

I'm staring an actual Thinspo journal. Filled with exercises. Well. So far.

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Oh God. I still have to pack for next week. Skei is stuck sleeping with me for about 5 nights. And spending nearly everyday with me. He's gonna be so pleased. No seriously, He loves the idea! I just dont like the thought of showering at my mum's boyfriend's flat. Just weirds me out a little.

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I've nearly got back to 149. One pound off. I can get rid of that by Sunday... right? Or more?

God.

Okay.

I'm actually knackered!

I'll leave you all at this.

Before I die on my laptop.

x

ABC Day 3 [30]

Okay, ABC, going well.

My current attitude to life? 'Lets Fuck Up Some People!'

I know. I've gone off the walls again. Breaking as many promises possible.

Ones I've broken:

Smoked again

Cut Again

Promises I'm Likely To break:

Smoke Weed with out Skei there

Kiss another guy

And The me inside has shrivelled and died inside me. Making me careless and hateful. And the ABC is giving me something to be good at since I am obviously a thick cow. Getting a D in Maths and a F in Religious Studies. Although I got 2 marks off a B in my German Listening exam and a C in my Science. I found out something amazing the other day. I can get bloated on 500 calories. I think it was the omelet. I don't really like omelets that much... I think that's what bloated me. Especially since I scoffed it.

I bought a book starring an ED! 'LoveSick'. i might write a review on here about it when I'm done. I also want to read 'Purge', the plot to both books seem very interesting to me, that's why I want to read them. Not just coz they're about EDs. I also watched 'Sharing The Secret' a little while back, I found it okay. A little too glamorised to me. I mean, even if your mum knew you were Bulimic, you wouldn't purge right in front of her! I found that a bit weird. But if anyone has a suggestion of a book of film about or including issues on EDs please tell me, I'm interested. It's a good distraction too! Haha!

God, People piss me off. Zanerr is amazingly oblivious at my times of need. Skei had a huge go at her for saying mine and his relationship has been shit for months (what does she know -.-) and she was going on and on saying things like, 'all I said was to treat her properly!' and when Skei said shes not there when her friends need her she totally miss took it as him. No one else, except him and said, 'You don't come to me with your problems!' he said something about a church (?) and she got the idea wrong there too. 'That's because you asked me out and I didn't want to go out with you!' but he meant the time he was dumped. And through all of that, she didn't even think that maybe I needed her sometime recently. My dog died and she didn't even acknowledge it.

Then there's some shit about when I hit Bambi really hard coz she kept hitting me and it fucking pissed me off, that her and that lot of people I don't like anymore were mimicking my twitches.

And earlier today, the emo lot basically invaded the Metal Head's space (yeah I hang with metal heads. Even though I'm not one for too much metal) for no apparent reason and were pissing us off standing over our bags. As I walked away I heard them say my name (pretty fucking loudly) and turn back round to say 'Huh? I heard someone mention my name?' they were all quite and looked at me. Prats. 'No? Fine, Whatever.' and went to have a toke.

I nicked good ol' Lee's fag. well one of them. A straight and not a rollie this time. I almost forgot how great it felt to smoke! corr, relaxed me!

but anyway. I think that's all I want to rant about today. I may go into some in depth detail next blog about something. I dunno what yet. Ha.

*Sigh*

Good Luck All

With Weight Loss, Life and whatever else there is in your busy, busy lives!

x

Background To Me. [25]

I remember growing up for me was a bad experience. All the way through Primary school I would be bullied by all the boys in my class. I was the Fat Girl. No other girl was as fat as me. I was it. Now, thinking back, I may have had a case of compulsive eating passed on from my Mother's excessive eating whenever anything bad happened. For me, I just ate and ate. I had adult portions, plus extra, since the age of around 6. Before 6 years old, I was a normal sized child. I have pictures of me from back then, not particularly thin, but just about right.

Anyway, the weight continued to pile on. I had no clue of how big I really was. I thought I was normal. Then once I moved to the country for year 6 onwards, I still recieved the excessive bullying about my weight. Year 7, I realised how big I really was when I saw a picture of me on my birthday with another fat friend of mine and a skinny one. I was bigger than both of them. I remember that summer, I decided to change. I lost a little bit of weight, not sure how, and cut my hair. I was still fat, I realise that. But through year 8 I grew around 6 inches. I looked thinner, but I was too over weight for my height and age.

Year 9 I got new friends. The Emo crowd. They were what fucked over my eating patterns. There was one girl who would completely stop eating, then binge on shitty foods. At the time she was thin. I started that cycle, desperate to lose the weight I hated. I wanted to be the Hot Friend. Not the Fat one. I became bestfriends with this girl. Over the year I gained more weight but it slowly evened out as I grew another inch or two. I started the cycle of not eating. Then I would binge. Then not eat. It progressed throughout the year. I tried to eat healty in parts of year 8 and 9 but dont remember losing weight. I started going to the gym with my Mother, I gained more weight. I didnt understand it but apparently its natural. Natural? I thought, The gyms supposed to help me lose weight not GAIN it!

At the end of year 9 I dumped my Bestfriend. She was a cow. And at around the same time her boyfriend dumped her. One thing made me happy. She was gaining weight. You could see it. The cellulite on her thighs when she wore shorts, The armpit over hang, obese stomach. I felt slightly enpowered.

Year 10 was when everything started changing drastically involving my weight and eating patterns. I obsessivly googled diets, exercises and anything to help me lose weight. I gave up the healthy option, and went for control. I grew taller, I exercised more and I still had a slight Binge-Purge cycle.

I remember the day I first tried to make myself sick. I had heard more than enough about my boyfriends sexual past. I didnt need to hear that. The thing was... They were probably all skinny. I gulped down so much water I felt overly bloated. The fact I had binged earlier that day meant there was something to come out. So I tried. I locked my bath room door, drank until I almost couldnt breathe, placed my head above the toilet... and stuck my fingers down my throat. I tried various times, nothing came up. Then I nearly did it. But I couldn't. I sat back against the door, puffy, teary eyed, I wanted to die. I wasn't good enough. I mean nothing to anyone. That night I retured to my good old friend, Razor.

After that I turned more into an Ana follower. I still am I suppose. But I started off being a Vegetarian. Then I cut out certain foods. Then I started fasting. Of course all the while my Mother was accusing me of being Bulimic. Which I was for a while. Thinking back I've realised I've converted from ED to ED. First was the compulsive eating. Second was Bulimic Binge-Fast cycle and some abuse of laxatives. Now is Calorie restriction, Fasting and having Ana in my head. My alter, Ana. She tells me how to do it. I'v lost weight now. I'm a little bit happier, But I want perfect. Before I didnt want to have an ED.

But Now.
I Accept it.

Even If I havent Properly Been Diagnosed.
I'd rather not anyway.


x

Shitshitshit!! [24]

Okay, I agree. Boyfriends can make you fat. But if you eat loads when he's around, even it out with a day fast or extra exercise. Thats what I do, works pretty well too.

Oh and does anyone agree that emo guy is pretty hot!! ;D I would.

Moving on.
SHIT!
I am starting a weight loss competition that Yum at Yummy Secrets has started. It begins tomorrow! >.< SHIIIIIIT!
Its a bit of healthy competition yanno ;) Go on Yum's blog to get the details :)

Todays been one big ol' binge really. Skei stayed over last night. Ate so much. Curry for dinner yesterday, toast with chocolate spread yesterday, cereal this morning followed by a baked potato with cheese, curry sause and baked beans.
planning on a fast from now until monday. Hopefully I'll lose weight that way and *crosses fingers* I haven't gained any weight today!! PLEASE OH PLEASE!!

I recently joined Pretty Thin, its an amazing website for people with EDs. connect with eachother and share diets and tips, Its really great! The people are so nice and just want to share their story and listen about yours :)

www.prettythin.com Search for me ;)
KodixAngel

Uhh, well thars my short update.
I'll post tomorrow with stats so far and how my fast is going
wish me luck
x

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.

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Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.

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My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.

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I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.

.

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In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??

Oh Crap.

x