Monday 24 January 2011

I Think I Need To Grow Up A Little, Before I Get Involved..

School sucks. I suck. Food sucks. Starving sucks. Everything SUCKS!
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I watched 'Black Swan' on Friday with my mum. Awkward turtle. Lesbian action, masturbation, bulimia, OCD, schizophrenia and drug abuse. Not something I'd purposely watch with my mother.
It was brilliant though.
Uber thinspiring. I googled Natalie Portman's diet to get into that sort of shape. I'm going to do that. Edited slightly. But I cant start today. None of the food on my list are in the fridge so I'm starting tomorrow. And I've been using the running machine! YES WE HAVE A RUNNING MACHINE AHH!! Honestly I've found that reading whilst walking at a reasonably fast by steady speed I can do 2 miles in 30-40 minutes. SCOREE!
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Last week was a disaster weight wise. I'd been doing a lot of walking on the treadmill but GAINING. Which I totally didn't understand. Highest I got was nearly 153lbs. I was ready to kill myself. Now I've found I'm in the usual 147/148lbs range which has pleased me. So Starting tomorrow I'm doing the Ballerina Diet, plus weekdays, 1 mile walking and some dancing practice or general dancyness, Weekends 2 miles a day, at least and hour dance and some aerobics. Hopefully by next Monday I'll be ready to pass out.
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I've also sorted the Skei situation once and for all. We talked at break (after my monster talk with Li about this during Maths) and we've decided its not fair on either of us that being together is so hard. We're giving it one more go for year 11 and have decided that some point in Summer, we're going to break up. Grow up a little. Five years approximately. Experiment some more, learn, live. All that milark. And we're going to stay friends over those years, then maybe we'll give us another go depending on where we both are in our lives and what we then want. So fro now, we're together. I'm happy about it. Because to be honest, I'm not sire if I want to break up with him properly now, but I'm not sure either of us are mature enough to handle this relationship yet. So all is good in that area.
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Unfortunately. Ted has cancelled his party. His arsehole mate has forgotten the code to get into the apartment they were gonna use. Cuuuuunt.
Oh well, I'll just use this weekend for something else?
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I bought high waisted shorts the other day. Size 8, fit my arse fine, my stomach is too massivo to do them up though. So there's my motivation.
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There's my life updated. Haha. Like you really care ;)
I''m off to go be bored.
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I'm obsessed with Dave The Laugh from Louise Rennison's books. He's so marvy and lush!
And a Laugh.
It is my mission in life to find him.
The real life version, not the actor in the shite film.
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'weeks since I've seen her eat' - Too Sorry For Apologies - Breathe Again
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Oh before I go. I keep having weird dreams abou Whitt... >.<>

Sunday 16 January 2011

Dont Flatter Yourelf Into Thinking I Would Shead This Much Blood For You..

My posing has been.. erratic. Although its disheartening that no one comments anymore.. I seem o have gotten more followers but less commenter's. I do hope you guys leave some comments, they keep me going, keep me connected.
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He noticed. Skei noticed I'd been cutting. He said nothing, until the music was on in the car and Manny had been dropped off. He'd known the whole night. He thought they were all his fault. Dont flatter yourself darling, you dont deserve this much blood to be spilled because of you.
"Not all of them, just the deep ones" I answered. I supposed thats worse. The more superficial ones that bled but barley were the only ones I'd accidentally shown him, they barley hurt. The deep ones took a lot more anguish to make. He caused that, he feels guilty. He better. Because if he keeps blaming me for things that aren't my fault, then I'm leaving. I'm not going to be verbally abused into believing its my fault...
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I've made a religious choice. I'm going to become a Jashinist. I got it off Naruto, Googled, found out its real. A daily sacrifice of my own blood to show Jashin I am a trustworthy follower, and to pray to him in awkward times. I'm sure this is going to be interesting.
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I dont think I'm doing badly on the weight issue. I found this morning I was 147.6 even after me and Kayla ate shit. I think the amount of walking we did burned a lot off. And today I had a few chocolates, 2 diet cokes and a vegetarian subway. Corr, I love subway. Honestly my new favourite food. I've only got 15 days left to get to 140. I've decided to fast the rest of January away, I will keep this. I haven't got time at school to eat and I'll stay in my room doing homework, facebook, reading, sleeping whatever it takes to avoid eating. It's only 15 days.
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My mother and I are going to see the Black Swan on Friday when its in cinemas. I think we'll also see the royal ballet of Swan Lake in London at the end of March. I saw it advertised in a magazine. I've never watched a ballet, so I think it'd be a great new experience.
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I've got a fairly awesome hairstyle. My mum did it. Its 2 french braids from either side of my head joining together in the middle leaving my fringe out. I want to have it that way at school so I'm wearing my silk scarf on my head to see if I can actually keep my hair the way it is.
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I'll be catching up on blogs tomorrow I guess, I got my usual Internet phobia.
Wish me luck in my Science exam.
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'I got through this day no one saw through my games' - SuperChick - Courage

Thursday 13 January 2011

Starve Binge REPEAT, Starve Binge REPEATE, NO MORE! NO MORE!

I think I have a weight loss WALL.
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Soon as I reach 145. I loose all control. Well After today (where I have consumed and uncomfortable amount of brown bread...) I will not do that. I've invested no money in Thinspirational songs (meaning I've been naughty and downloaded shit from youtube...), I am investing in an exercise ball to get used to, and Prom is closing in. I can not be this fat for Prom. I may have to kill myself if I am.
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I'm also sorry I haven't been on too often. Been drowning in homework and trying to sleep. Neither are really getting done. I've also been compulsively cutting myself. I'm not sure why I am doing this, but I am. My right thigh has a pretty reasonable amount of cuts, all that have bleed. And sting in the shower. I guess right now I want to feel the pain of it. No one has a clue. Its kind of exciting in a twisted 'I'm-a-psycho-self-harmer' sort of way. I feel it all day rubbing on my school trousers, gives me something to think of when I change for P.E. I guess I needed something to distract me from exams. Relieve stress maybe? Either way.
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I feel like a lunatic sitting in my room, on the laptop with my hair in these weird curler thingys. I've just had a shower, and am trying things out for prom. This is idea number one. Fuck knows how its gonna turn out. Hopefully nice. Other wise I'll have to think of other shit.
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I may have to ask Skei again to buy me diet pills. I'm also not going to Ted's party this fat. I'm disgusting. Once my stomach has settled down I'm doing some exercise before I finish off my Diploma homework. Fml. So much effort just dong this shit. I might procrastinate more by looking for more thinspo music for mon Ipoddy. Yeah, I'll do that.
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Right this is the final straw. No food what so ever. Only green tea and water. Seeing as everything else I have sets me off on a huge 'I WANT BREAD' binge. All I wanna eat is bread. Why is that!? Bread and pasta. Argh! Why cant I want celery! Or just not want ANYTHING! But anyway. I'm not eating ever again. I hate being uncomfortably full like this. Ergh.
This post is a bit rambly as well. I'm sorry my posting is getting shitter. I'm trying to save time. And get it all out in a non-purge way. Okay, maybe a purge way. I've found my laxatives so I'm about to have a little laxative party in my belly!
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Oh my Lord, My heads not right.
Lack of Sleep.
Turrah.
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'I Am Small' - Sia - Breathe Me
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Oh yeah, I also hate my family. Jus' Saying.
x

Monday 10 January 2011

Work It, Burn It, Use It, Lose It..

I'm not even going to think about what I've been doing this weekend. Not even going to go there.
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Haven't weighed since Friday. Dont currently wanna know but I guess I'll weigh tomorrow.
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Back to fasting. I've been horribly bad. Stupidfatuckingcowoodmonster. Adding small bits of exercise, ones to strengthen my ankles and legs, I have weedy ankles in training for Prom. Still cant find a dress, I'm gonna try and find somewhere to make it for me. Specially after trying on a dress and it being too baggy for my torso but too small for my tits. Dresses are made for fat girls with no tits. Sorry, but I am fat with huge tits, thats how it normally works folks.
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I feel huge right now.
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I hop I haven't gained too much, I mean school has kept me up, and so has cleaning, and cooking, and helping my Gran.
I found out my Mock exam results... I actually did better then I expected.
English Lang- C
English Lit - B
Maths - C
Science core - A!!
Science App - B
Citizenship - C
German Listening & Reading - B!!!
R.E - F... which made me LOL
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They're only trials, I've still got the real ones to come so hopefully I'll do this well on my real ones.
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I spoke to my mum about Paris. We've decided to go after Prom, when the weather should be nicer. So hopefully by then I'll be 126 or less! Dream come true. I'm once again determined to lose this weight and get to 140lobs by 31st January!!!!!! Yes.. I might go weigh myself after this post. I hate waiting til morning.
I'm getting my gym membership back for a month before Prom. Because my mummy is lovely and knows how important it is to look pretty at Prom. Me and KT are planning on going together (shes 2 years younger so she'd join me after school and on weekends) I think I'll go everyday to to gym before she comes out of school, do the gym for an hour or so, then meet her outside and book a class together :) I feel so cool.
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First I must focus on loosing NOW. No more shit food, only soup if I am hungry, Maybe start walking home form the bus stop. No its too cold. Haha. Little work outs everyday for my ankles, etc. More water again, and black coffee... Damn me being so dehydrated and thinking I'm hungry.
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Well I think I'll stop there.
Here's a really nice song my friend just linked me to...
Emma's Imagination - This Day
x

Thursday 6 January 2011

Just Breate, It's Only For A Little While, You Can Survive..

Okay, Now it's pissing it down.
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Like all day. I was soaked and cold, I hate being both. I hate being cold. Being soaked isn't too bad when its summer and warm.
Um, moving on...
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Do you think I could get that massage now? I could bloody well do with one! Achy bones, achy muscles. Had a shower, as usual jumped on the scales with enthusiasm (yeah fucking right) saw 144.4...
Epic.
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5.6lbs in 4 days. I'm really focused now, just because once again I am close to being allowed to go to Paris. PARIS! But I have other things to worry about. Like my school work I still haven't done, getting my prom dress sorted and other pointless things I have to do.
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Recently our heatings been up the arse crack (as I have probably complained about), turns out what it was doing was poisoning us, hence why my Gran was coughing so much and had to go to hospital twice. This coal ish soot is everywhere, but such a thin layer you cant tell. So my Gran's been cleaning today. I did a small bit in the kitchen. I cleaned a couple of sides, the windows and sorted out the dish washer (seeing as we literally have no cutlery to use..). It was horrible. One wipe, SHAZAM, the cleaning cloth was black. I got bored and organised some sweets. I sorted out my Gran's tin of Quality Street into colour and type and put the candy canes in a pot alternating colours. I thought it was cute. I had half a candy cane. It reminded me I dont really like candy canes. I just think they're pretty which makes me wanna eat them... damn colourings!!
My stomach is literally speaking to me. Its growing so loudly! I mean Jesus...
2 1/2 coffees. (9x2.5)
Half a candy cane.
45 minutes of circuits in P.E.
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Thats probably why my stomach is having its own little spazm. I drank all my water for once. I think I was trying to shut it up haha, didn't work.
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I'm honestly worried about Prom. For one, Skei is going in a kilt... I'm going to try and convince him to wear actual trousers on underneath so he looks half normal. Second, I need to talk to my mum about going over to Rhii's to get ready for prom and go with her, Jan, Lii and K in a posh car... Lastly, and the whole big fucking deal... I dont have a dress. I cant find anything I like. I've drawn what I want. Now I just need to find someone who'll make it and reasonably cheap. Or I might just cry if I cant go wearing a mildly Japanese styled prom dress. I wanna be different, and this dress would basically make it a given that I'd be the only one there dressed like that. Argh. Another thing I'm gonna have to save money for.
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On the up side... I've been invited to Ted's 16th house party. WOO! I'm going to convince Skei to get weed (Which will be a rare thing only because this time I dont really wanna drink.. calories and the number of people there) and I'm hoping there wont be any food there... If there is I'll be busy and let it all run out. Although... Its over night.. and I dont know where my Mum put the Pro-Plus caffeine pills. Yeah I'll be taking them. I'd rather not fall asleep there... The party is near the end of my fast and would be a brilliant way to end it if I dont fuck up. I wanna get properly high this time, not just a bit giggly and starved.
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Things are going okay for January... I'm knackered but I'll catch up on Saturday. OH! I'm seeing Russell Howard Next week! AHHH! Sorry, uber excited! I'm taking Manny and Skei coz my um got them tickets. Again, I love my mum even though she's a bit dim.
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I also learnt how to roll a few days ago. I'm not too shabby for a beginner! Heehee the rollies are in my little 'secret' tin along with condoms and lighters. Heh heh.
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Um there wasn't much point to this post, just a lot of random jabbering about whats going on. I've been meaning to tell you guys this shit XD
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I'm off to go draw ^-^
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"Sometimes You Hate The Face You See In The Mirror" - KJ 52 - Daddy's Girl

Wednesday 5 January 2011

Let Me Feel The Rain, Drop On My Face, Splash On My Gasses, Soak My Shoes...

Its Been Raining...
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Not heavily, but its still raining. I don't mind really. As long as I have a hood big enough to shield my head and my glasses then I'm fine. Even though my school shoes have holes in them and get soaked just by walking on mildly wet floor.
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Yesterday I managed to survive on 16 calories from 2 coffees. Today I've bulked up to 583 through a large pot of soup and half a large pot of yogurt (which I classify as a liquid in my world). I was going to weigh myself this morning but it was freezing. Still is but lucky me has a fire in her room so it feels like I'm on holiday. I think I'm going to bust out my usual exercise programme for daily activity at home. Specially after nearly 600 calories, although they were all reasonable and liquid. I kinda needed to have something more than water and coffee because I felt terrible this morning, like I was going to be sick and when I ate my soup my Gran commented on how its 'good to see me eating' because I went with out yesterday, blamed on the cold. So I feel better and have my Gran off my back for another few more days. Tomorrow is another day on coffee alone, then Friday I'll have the second half of the big tub of yogurt (318) after school.
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I guess I'll be searching for my work out list in a bit and filling in my little food diary booklet on what I've eaten, how many calories and what exercise. Yeah, I've started that this year, even though I'm useless with that shit.
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I'm in need of motivation. I'm lacking because of my shite sleep.
I wanna sleep but I have things to do.
As usual.
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"Weeks Since I've Seen Her Eat" - Too Sorry For Apologies - Breathe

Tuesday 4 January 2011

Keep Strong, Hold On, You Can Do This, Just Keep Walking On...

146.4
Its funny how in one way its satisfying seeing that number pop up on the scales. However, its also not satisfying because I've seen similar numbers so many times. I'm happy I can loose 3.6lbs in 2-3 days. But I'm pissed that I have to loose it again.
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I'm living off Black Coffee consisting of 9 calories every serving. I spent the time I had waiting for the kettle to boil to calculate that. One teaspoon of the coffee I use is 1 calorie. One teaspoon of my sweetener is 8 calories. The fact I've cut out milk and have actually come to like the bitterness of black coffee is that I am now roughly cutting out between 10 and 35 calories. Yesterday I got bored again and calculated the 3 coffees and 300ml mug of warm skimmed milk. 101 calories. I'm a good girl. *grin*
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I also fitted in 20 crunches and reverse crunches. Just because I felt bad about not doing much recently. And today I think I'll leave it because the huge amount of dancing about I did in P.E. trying to warm up before the lesson began. Our sports hall is fucking freezing! We seriously shouldn't be allowed to be in there! We then ended up doing Basketball rather than trampolining, thank GOD! I look like a ponce on a trampoline. However, me and Li basically spent the time following our team mates around the court because they are competitive bastards and thought we were slowing them down. We'll have you know that we actually helped out in small ways, like catching it when it bounced off the basket hoop, or when it rolled off. Sure we didn't shoot, but thanks to us, we won. A lot. In the end we just stood in the middle of the court and watched as our team mates kept loosing the ball to the other team. Twats.
I did a lot of walking in general today. I got bored with people easily. Basically, at Lunch I went from the sports hall down to the bottom play ground to talk to Skei for a bit. I spoke to him about getting his ear pierced for his birthday, and told him that he could play football today as I was just gonna go talk to some of the girls. I went to find them, got distracted by Fred, Ted and Dean. Dean was gonna get his lip pierced but didn't coz he didn't have picture ID and then his mum was daft enough to accidentally throw away his money. So they entertained me for a while. I went to the common room, looked about, spoke to someone then left coz there wasn't anyone interesting to talk to. I walked back down to where Skei was, looking about for Hols. She wasn't there so I got Skei to talk to me again but let him join in for random kicks of the ball... then HOLS CAME! So I buggered off and spoke to her, let him play football.
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See? I'm not clingy! I told Skei that I was gonna let him play football the whole of Lunch but I couldn't find anyone interesting enough to hold my attention.
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I've moved a lot, so I'm guessing I'm back to burning somewhere along the lines of 2,000 or more calories. Plus I'm wearing more, thicker, heavier layers because its cold, and a bag of books. And I'm walking everywhere. Woohoo! I never thought I'd say I'm glad I'm back at school. I have to move. Unlike at home where I can lay in bed all day and pig out on shitee.
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Plus, no one offers me food these days (score) dunno why. I guess they think I'll ask (like I used to) if I want any, and seeing as I'm not asking or even acknowledging the foods existence, I must not want any. But my stomachs been grumbling loudly. I need to bring water to school... I forgot today.
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Also, I'm doing my '30 in 30' on my other blog. 'Life of a Crazy Angel' so if you wanna read the letters I'm writing (but not sending!) to people, feel free to go on there and read them. (Lol, I've finally figured out how to link stuff XD Spacko or what?!)
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I dyed my hair purple too. Dark purple. Cant fucking tell. It looks BLACK! ARGH!
Oh well I'll leave it and see how it looks in a few weeks? Then I might dye it a brighter purple. Everyone seems to be dying their hair a bright red again! What the fuuck! I've been there and done that (so have most of this lot..) I'm not going back there until I have experimented with loads of different styles and colours. I think its boring to do the same thing twice unless you have to do it, yanno for like a job or something.
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Well I think I'll be off. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves.
You bunch of skinny bitches ;)
x
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'Shes Skin And Bone, Shes Beautiful No Matter What.' - Too Sorry For Apologies - Breath Again

Sunday 2 January 2011

I Wanna Be A Ninja, Defend Myself, The People I Love And Have An Amazing Body...

I feel so fat.
Okay I had a half fast today. 2 bowels of cereal and that has been it. Tomorrow I am starting the full fast of 4 weeks. From the 3rd of January to the 30th of January. I will fast. If anyone gets suspicious get out your list of excuses!! Or have soup for a few days. Operation 'FAST YOU FAT BITCH' is underway!
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Tomorrow is my last day off school. Fuuuuck. Tomorrow I will be focusing on my English assessment and not eating. I might go for a walk too.
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This year I'm focusing on eating better. When I do eat that is. No more animal products, just to limit my sweets more. Only cold, filtered water. No carb products i.e. rice, pasta, bread. Unless small quantity, natural healthier version. Drink more water, less juice. Rather than lattes and tea, black coffee with one tea spoon of sweetener.
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I also want to focus on actually working out more. If I get bored of the usual bed room work outs then I could always go downstairs and do an hour long combat work out, go for a walk or go with my mum shopping more.
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Reminds me, I need to come up with a food list of things I will always need!
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Also, Non-weight related things I'm aiming on doing.
Finish or at least write half of one of my books I'm writing. Read the 6 books I haven't finished or started. Work harder at school and do exceedingly well. Get a job... I need the money. Go to auditions for acting roles. Submit my work to publishers etc. to try and get my career started. Basically this year is all about getting thin and starting my career.
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I'm going to show everyone that I am talented, that I will succeed this year. I will show everyone I'm much more of a genius than they originally thought. That I am skinnier and more beautiful than I used to be.
Next year I will stand out in the sun light, a cigarette in one hand and a black coffee in the other. Glistening purple hair, glasses that make me appear intelligent, fun, stylish. Simple nail varnish, black, blue, purple, camel. Jumpers that are too big and shorts on top of tights. Boots and heels. My signature make up, dark and out standing. This is what I want to be. This year I will make this person my reality. She wont just be a pretty face, she'll have talent, an early career. She'll be a rich girl due to her own success's not her families. She'll be on stage, forcing the audience to applaud her every scene. Her thoughts will be in books, written from her own mind, making it big and selling out within weeks. She will appear on screen next to big stars and others alike. Her paintings and doodles will be worth thousands thanks to her amazing status. Designers and companies will want her to model their products. She will be thin. The envy of everyone.
That is what I want.
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So there's my aim for this year, to get to that status in the next couple of years, or get closer to my goals.
I apologise about yesterdays post. It was utterly retarded and made no sense. I was distracted and still mildly high when I wrote it. Now I'm off to go write some more Naruto Fanfiction.
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I wanna be a Ninja, Naruto makes it look like so much fun.
And all of them are skinny.
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'She Tries Harder Than The Average Teen, An Over-Achiever With Low Self Esteem, Wants To Walk Like A Star, But She Takes It Too Far.' - Rachel Ferguson - Never Good Enough

Saturday 1 January 2011

Fuck This Fuck That Fuck You FUCK EVERYTHINGG!!

As you might be able to tell, I've had a huuge 'fuck it' day.
Just to remind me of why I want to lose weight and avoid eating.
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(seeing as I'm prone to binging like a mother fucker when given the opportunity and food...)
So basically. I'm bloated. Feel sick, etc.
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But I dont care, because tomorrow I'm starting OPERATION 'FAST UNTIL YOU DIE YOU FAT BITCH'... I might need to come up with a shorter name for that XD but this whole binging day started when I got high last night (naughty girrrrl XD) and apparently, I get serious munchies. And giggle fits. And talk utter bollocks. Tbh, I dont see the huuger deal about getting high... I'd rather get completely wasted coz that has more of an effect on me, and has the same effect when I wake up the next day. And being drunk drives me AWAY from food because of my phobia of being sick whilst drunk.
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I've totally rambled on. What was the point in this again?
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Well, tomorrow until the end of the month I'm fasting. I refuse to eat solid food after today because well I feel foul. I feel like Choji from Naruto. So I am far more determined to lose lose LOSE this year! YEAH THIS IS MY YEAR! :)
126lbs here I come. If I reach that before the end of the year I'm lowering it to 118.
(I'm probably back up to 150/149 but I dont care right now, I'm gonna make up for it!)
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I hope you all had brilliant New Years Eves ;)
Mine was okay... I wish I went to a house party for people MY age.
and not Gaz's place with his family. Doesn't help he was avoiding me and Skei and that I was the only person our age dressed up. Always me the odd one.
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I may smoke s'more weed tomorrow and actually put into place 'NO MUNCHIES' now to train myself for future highness. Thats my main goal of this first month.
Train myself.
Get down to 135-140 lbs.
Exercise everyday.
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I'm sorry this doesn't make much sense... Skei is next to me and we're watching Naruto... so my brain ain't quite working right.
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I lave you :3
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'I CAN SMOKE CIGARETTES' - 3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything