Bring Me Down, Throw Me Out. I Deserve To Burn...

I'm not even going to tell you what I did.
All you need to know is.
I'm 149.4 again.
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I wish I could die right now. Or swallow a load of diet pills. I asked Skei to get me some but the Boots we were in was so feckin' small that they didnt have any. FML.
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For the next however long until New Year I will not eat anything. At all. Only water, flavoured water and green tea. And an exercise regemine I MUST do everyday. I will only allow myself soup on Christmas and Boxing Day because I am with the family and they would be suspicious if I refused to eat anything. Hopefully with this extreame diet, I will lose weight even more quickly then I did last week. I so hate myself for giving in. Fuck me.
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(If you want to know my exercise (minimum) for each day here it is..)
10 crunches
10 push ups
30 star jumps
20-40 knee lifts
20 toe touches
Plus the exercise program I've got recorded on my Sky+ downstairs, and any other little exercises I feel like I need to do. Probably more cardio will be put in there but this is only a minimum to help shift this God Damned FAT!!
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I hate Christmas.
I hate Winter.
I hate me.
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'Why'd you have to go and turn to ice' - LIGHTS - Ice

I Live For You Guys Now

Hey everyone.

Right first, thanks for the comments about my drawing :) and yeah I LOVE OHSHC too, I've watched them all and now reading them XD

And the picture today is a really old one I gave to Skei for Christmas or his borthday... Or randomly I cant remember.

But onto todays antics.

I tried to kill myself again.

I know, brilliant aint I? Although I dont think I'll die on 10 pain killers (5000 mg or whatever), I've taken more variety before but maybe I'll wake up dead. Who knows! If I dont post tomorrow, I died.

Reason for another attempt suicide: Skei

Again. I know. Now, its my fault he's grounded for the rest of summer (4 weeks) because I said I wanted my stuff back, he took it as 'I wanna break up' he fucked off without trace and got high, attempting to kill himself too, my mum alerted his family to his non-exhistance and yeah. He's home now, hopefully not dead. If I find out he died, I'm deffinetly jumping off of some form of cliff or high building or stepping out onto the motor way.

My mum's taking me over to his tomorrow to get my things I wanted back (great chance to talk to him) and my mums gonna butter up his family into letting me go over to his occationally and let him come to a comedy gig in like 2 days. I haven't seen Skei in a week (well over really) so I really need contact with him (physical -as in kisses - nothing dirty you naughty people). Mostly, I just wanna hug. 4 weeks he'll doubtfully be sleeping over mine again, so I might just kill myself anyway coz I have no friends, except Manny but he'll be fine.

My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my back hurts and I dont wanna sleep, watch t.v or anything. I just wanna hear Skei's voice again.

Oh yah! Doesn't help that todays OUR ANNAVERSARY.

Everything shit happens on our anaversarries.

11 months btw.

God, I hate God. He should go die in one of those dog shit bins. Seriously.

Right I dunno what I'm going to do, probably sort out what I'm gonna give Skei tomorrow (coz he's left stuff at mine he needs) and balls...

Stupid therapy tomorrow morning. Fucks sake. I'm gonna talk to her about subscribing me pills, I really need them. I feel like one of those dog shit bins constantly.

Woo. I'm a dog shit bin.

And I'm still fat, even if I'm someone's goal weight, I'm still huge.

And I realised something whilst reading Yum's blog.

I wanna look sickly too... Which is kinda scary.

Maybe I'll know when to stop?

Either way I'm gonna die sooner or later.

I love you, You're my sunshine on a shitty dog bin-ish day!

x

It's My Fault You Cried... [37]

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I'm Hoping This Little Post Will Come Out Like A Poem... For Skei. Just to say I'm increadibly sorry for corrupting your life.

.

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Just Like to say I''m sorry

For making You Cry

Corrupting your life

And Seeing Your Lies

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I'm Sorry

For bleeding out pain

Puffing the smoke

Failing in Vain

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I hate to see your tears

mostly when they're for me

For all I see is fears

Please dont cry over me

.

I'm not worth the pain

The attention

The tears

Since I'm not perfection

.

I want to show you how I feel

I just cant put it in words

But I'll give it a go

Although it'll sound obsurd

.

You say I've restored your hope

And given back your heart

That I help You Cope

Like its a fresh start

.

I may compare

myself to you

But Youre beautiful Stare

Makes me realise why I love you

.

Your hair

The static sun

My fault

But loved it when done

.

Your beautiful crystals

the ones we call eyes

Green, blue, brown

Prettier than the skies

.

when we walk

hand in hand

to me, its Paradise

minus the sand

.

I love the way you smell

though others dont

as I can always tell

Whos hugging me from behind

.

I love you for you

No one else

Just you

I always do

.

Give me a promise

No lies

Promise

To try

.

Say goodbye

We wont stay

I've grown wings so we can fly

Fly away

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I'll wait for the day

I fall asleep

and wake up to you

Dream deep

.

I'll wait paitently

for when the time comes

The time life is beauty

and we are home

.

Always

Together

Til Death

Forever

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Most of its crap>.<.

but hey

I hope Skei likes it

If not I'll jump out my bedroom window :/

I love you all

x