Thursday, 3 November 2011

I'm Sick Sick SICK Of This!!

All I do is bingebingeBINGE!!

I'm ill. I can't stop EATING. I can't even make it 'normal'. All I want to do is collapse in my bed and pass out for the next few weeks. That'd be an easy fast. 10lbs dropped easy.
I've not looked at the scales.

I started the pill close to 3 weeks ago to TRY TO CONTROL MY PERIODS, but I'm still taking them this week yet... I have a period. Nothing in my life makes sense (and that includes my laptop..).
Back to the main point.
I can't even get an accurate weigh in this week because of my period. But I may weigh myself tomorrow and get the horror over with. Either way I'm obviously 164 or over. Just 4 pounds away from 12 STONE! I'd rather kill myself than be 12 stone. My mum is (unfortunately) 12 stone or more, and she's only 5'4". Although my friends still think she's pretty, which gives me some hope. That I might be able to pull off 13 stone at the age of 38 (nearly 9).
I need to stop eating so much. I've decided I'm liquid fasting. I'm not counting the calories coz I need to shrink my stomach first. I'll try to drink more water, I'll try to move more. Little by little. Otherwise, i cannot do this.

My mum bought exercise DVDs by the Strictly Come Dancing women. Bless. I may have to join her, motivate each other. I don't like my mum weighing more than me, hell I don't want her to weigh what I weigh! It makes me worried for her, me and my Gran (who is no longer her old size 10 self since her hip replacement). All our health problems will only get worse. If I keep gaining, I will eventually have enough and kill myself, that's how much this effects me. And I can't even cut anymore because my razor has gone missing. Coz my mum cleaned my room when I was away. (FML)

I've confessed to my mum that I physically cannot control my eating. I eat when I'm bored/stressed/depressed/upset/want to be social/because I can. I rarely eat to live these days. I had 3 slices of white toast with beans and cheese on it about 2-3 hours ago and I'm still ill and bloated from it!
I feel disgusting.

Sometimes I wish I was a puker, rather than someone who swaps and switches with the click of a

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