Saturday, 22 May 2010

I Hate Myself. [28]

I hate myself.
I've gained 5 lbs.
I know. I deserve to die. I obviously can't fast. I'm a shitty faster and have let down my ana buddie on PT. I'm sorry! I'm pathetic and useless!!
I almost killed myself yesterday because of all the weight I've suddenly gained again. Skei said its muscle because of my exercises. But its obviously not. I barley exercised this week. And I binged like a cow. I'm working on losing the weight again. God, I cant believe myself! AHH!!
But I'm doing more. Trying to force myself to do my daily sit an push ups. Yesterday I walked quite a bit. Picking bluebells and whatnot. And once Skei left I ran back to my house and round to where the fire is, outdoors, and did 30 star jumps and 12 pushups. So I'm hoping I'll lose the weight fast if I restrict my food again. And since I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet on Monday, it'll hopefully work well. And its only about another week until the Pictures are due again! Christ.
After next week is half term. I'll make Skei come out with me around town nearly everyday to keep me moving. And if I buy food I'll only have a bit then give him the rest. Simples.
Oh fuck.
I have to fast on the Wednesday and I honestly dont know how I'm going to get that past my mum and her boyfriend. Balls.
Skei definitly knows now.
Yes he knows I have a crazy ED.
Yet he doesn't quite seem to get how serious this is. But oh well. He might get it if I gain more weight or get to my goal weight of 112 lbs. Which is like centuries off. Sad face.
Ahh. Life sucks, aye?
Yeah It really does.
I have more exams next week. I know. They dont stop. If anyone wants to join me on my ABC diet feel free to comment me. I have about 4 right now. But hey, more diet related ones would be good!
just ask for email :)
I get lonely. HAHA!
bye bubas

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