Thursday 13 May 2010

The Boy... [23]


Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.
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Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.
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My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.
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I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.
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In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??
Oh Crap.
x

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