Sunday, 16 May 2010

Background To Me. [25]

I remember growing up for me was a bad experience. All the way through Primary school I would be bullied by all the boys in my class. I was the Fat Girl. No other girl was as fat as me. I was it. Now, thinking back, I may have had a case of compulsive eating passed on from my Mother's excessive eating whenever anything bad happened. For me, I just ate and ate. I had adult portions, plus extra, since the age of around 6. Before 6 years old, I was a normal sized child. I have pictures of me from back then, not particularly thin, but just about right.

Anyway, the weight continued to pile on. I had no clue of how big I really was. I thought I was normal. Then once I moved to the country for year 6 onwards, I still recieved the excessive bullying about my weight. Year 7, I realised how big I really was when I saw a picture of me on my birthday with another fat friend of mine and a skinny one. I was bigger than both of them. I remember that summer, I decided to change. I lost a little bit of weight, not sure how, and cut my hair. I was still fat, I realise that. But through year 8 I grew around 6 inches. I looked thinner, but I was too over weight for my height and age.

Year 9 I got new friends. The Emo crowd. They were what fucked over my eating patterns. There was one girl who would completely stop eating, then binge on shitty foods. At the time she was thin. I started that cycle, desperate to lose the weight I hated. I wanted to be the Hot Friend. Not the Fat one. I became bestfriends with this girl. Over the year I gained more weight but it slowly evened out as I grew another inch or two. I started the cycle of not eating. Then I would binge. Then not eat. It progressed throughout the year. I tried to eat healty in parts of year 8 and 9 but dont remember losing weight. I started going to the gym with my Mother, I gained more weight. I didnt understand it but apparently its natural. Natural? I thought, The gyms supposed to help me lose weight not GAIN it!

At the end of year 9 I dumped my Bestfriend. She was a cow. And at around the same time her boyfriend dumped her. One thing made me happy. She was gaining weight. You could see it. The cellulite on her thighs when she wore shorts, The armpit over hang, obese stomach. I felt slightly enpowered.

Year 10 was when everything started changing drastically involving my weight and eating patterns. I obsessivly googled diets, exercises and anything to help me lose weight. I gave up the healthy option, and went for control. I grew taller, I exercised more and I still had a slight Binge-Purge cycle.

I remember the day I first tried to make myself sick. I had heard more than enough about my boyfriends sexual past. I didnt need to hear that. The thing was... They were probably all skinny. I gulped down so much water I felt overly bloated. The fact I had binged earlier that day meant there was something to come out. So I tried. I locked my bath room door, drank until I almost couldnt breathe, placed my head above the toilet... and stuck my fingers down my throat. I tried various times, nothing came up. Then I nearly did it. But I couldn't. I sat back against the door, puffy, teary eyed, I wanted to die. I wasn't good enough. I mean nothing to anyone. That night I retured to my good old friend, Razor.

After that I turned more into an Ana follower. I still am I suppose. But I started off being a Vegetarian. Then I cut out certain foods. Then I started fasting. Of course all the while my Mother was accusing me of being Bulimic. Which I was for a while. Thinking back I've realised I've converted from ED to ED. First was the compulsive eating. Second was Bulimic Binge-Fast cycle and some abuse of laxatives. Now is Calorie restriction, Fasting and having Ana in my head. My alter, Ana. She tells me how to do it. I'v lost weight now. I'm a little bit happier, But I want perfect. Before I didnt want to have an ED.

But Now.
I Accept it.

Even If I havent Properly Been Diagnosed.
I'd rather not anyway.


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