Sunday, 9 May 2010

How To Day Ended? [21]

Here's today's story.
After my short walk around the near by fields, I got frustrated. Sitting in a tree, gazing at the dreary scenery, I pondered life. Mine? Horrible. A pool of nothingness. Since becoming emotionally numb, I felt like falling, nothing could hurt me. I returned home, spoke to my Gran for a short time, mostly about Skei. Then my Mother awoke. Hair like a pheasant. The norm for when she wakes. I decided I would go for a longer walk. Left, walked down my driveway and in the direction of my school, I walked. When reaching my school, I decided to carry on, that I would walk to Skei's house. Show him my dedication, not just to him. Not just to prove my love to him in one of the slightly more extreme ways. To prove I was ready to change my appearance also. The fact I had not eaten didn't stop me from getting to his house. I walked through the aches and pains and freezing cold wind. An a fact of thinking I was lost many times through out my journey. It was a good few miles. From mine to his, I mean. Arriving at Skei's part of the village, it was around the time they would be having dinner, so I waited. My mother began texting me, where are you?, how did you get there?, and call if you want picking up. I did not want picking up. I wanted to lay myself in the middle of the road. Admire the sky growing ever so impatient for me to get inside. Turning 5:39 I decided to knock on the door. His Grandfather answered. Asking politely as possible I spoke.
"Is Skei in?"
He looked at me as if he had completely forgotten about him. Letting me inside, he asked Skei's Nan, who was busy nattering away on the phone. Right there. Embarrassment. My eyes almost glued to the floor as my hands gingerly hid in their sleeves. Until Skei's Father was brought into the mix. Getting in his car, I thought of two people Skei would likely go to. Whyte or Liam. Wasn't at Liam's and, unfortunately, couldn't find Whyte's.
Fuck. Me.
My only thought. Trust my luck to make him impossible to find. Then, Thankfully, Christopher, received a text. Along the lines of, He's on his way home. Good.
Christopher Told me i could wait in Skei's room, I decided to go with that since we got back before him and I'd rather be alone than sit with everyone. I'm not as social with people's families. So I waited a good 10/15 minutes, glancing at posters with a feeling of disgust rise within me as to what these posters were telling me. A big tick list, including have a threesome, have sex outdoors, and some even more excruciating suggestions trying to kill me. It worked. I died a little more inside, although being numb most the weekend I still felt the hate I have for myself.
Seeing him burst through the door with a slightly concerned look on his face, which looked strangely child-like with his short, bleached blonde hair. The one thing that hit me then was, He's totally oblivious... and he was. He had no clue that today was our 8 month anniversary. I knew I should have felt more pained but all I felt was emptiness.
More broken promises between us. He smoked weed when the previous Wednesday I asked him not to, explaining I wouldn't smoke if he didn't take the drugs that just made him worse. Earlier that day I decided to break a promise, knowing he wouldn't suddenly pop out of thin air right before me. I cut. Numb and No More. I know what i meant by it. It still stings actually, more so than when it was bleeding. Showing him, his expression grew more depressive. he knew this time it was his fault. He did this. He caused this. He knew he had fucked up majorly.
Then I mentioned the lack of chatter in my head. That they were suffocating. And probably, if I get better, I'll permanently lose them. His two alters, who have fallen for two of my alters, reacted badly.
One final time, I have forgiven him.
If he does this to me again.
He'll have to cope on his own.
I pointed out that even though he wasn't there for me when Sparkie died, I was there for him the next day. His childhood friend's two year death anniversary.
There's what generally happened today, In story form. Tomorrow I have an ICT exam, which I am likely to fail.
Around 11 pm ish I am going to be seeing a comedian with my mum, her boyfriend and Skei.
Wish me luck in my exams all week.
And I must say, I think i burnt a shit load of calories. Two and a half ish hours straight walking, no food, [until earlier... coconut yogurt.] and exercises in the morning plus a small walk.
well goodbye, good night and I may blog tomorrow...
Doubtfully. I'm sure you're all happy to hear that.

Night my lovers.

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