'I'm Never Good Enough'

I'm Not.

I never will be.

You don't love me anymore.

You cant even call me when you promised.

I'm so imperfect.

And full of self loathing.

I'm filled with hatred for myself.

Because I'm not perfect.

My thighs still touch,

My stomach overhangs my jeans.

My ribs are too scared to show themselves to the world.

My hips wobble.

My arms have wings.

I even hate my voice,

When I sing.

I pretend I'm happy.
I hate my face.

My nose is big.

My mouth is small.

I hate that I don't feel tall.

I hate that even though I fake I'm okay,

Everyone sees my non existent self-esteem.

But no one tries to say,

'Its okay, my angel,

It will get better,

I'll always be here.'

Just like a love letter.

One word fills me with anger.

That word eats at me.

People lie to me, tell me I'm pretty, I'm skinny.

They want to see me fail.

I know it.

But it's not gonna stop me.

I wont stop hurting.

I'll keep on torturing myself.

I'll forever ignore your 'compliments'

Because I know they aren't true.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Because You don't love me enough to call.

You weakly tell me I'm beautiful.

Tell me you can see my ribs.

Well it's just fat, and fibs.

I'm locked in side your cage.

Like a little canary bird.

Forced to sing for you all alone.

Until you get away from me.

Free from my moans.

I hate that you affect me so.

I feel like I'm dying.

Slowly. Slowly and painfully.

Nothing works.

Not even the razor you gave me.

No blood.

Not even a scratch.

Please hurt me enough,

To set me free.

I gave you what you wanted.

You don't even seem to care,

or listen, no effort put in.

Not mustered up for one little thing.

Why do we carry on?

Pretending that we're in love?

When everything we do,

Together or apart,

We see the difficulty,

It just breaks our hearts.

My Depressing Poem.
Feel free to commet.
x

Specialists Are Retarded.

Ah. Okay I have a list to speakio abooooot.

1-Counselling

2-Clothes XD

3-Binge days

4-Walking diet plan

.
Okay, first I'll talk about the Mental place. Well She told me everything I tell her will be kept a secret except they think I'm going to hurt myself, someone else or I'm in danger of being hurt. hen they tell people. Straight away there My multiple personalities said, 'Well we wont be telling you about us.' and I thought 'Hm. Well that means I'm not going to tell you about my self harm and suicide attempts'

Seriously. Do they think I want my mum to know that? One of my doctors knows, This other mental health lady knows, its not a secret except from my family. I dont want them to get involved with THAT aspect of my possible depression. God. I hate experts and specialists.

.

The other thing (as says above 'Clothes') is that I shockingly managed to squish myself into a UK size 8 pair of shorts (US size 4)... My God? Corr blimey! They were on sale and weren't in a size 10 so tried on the 8s and just about got the button done up. Sure I have over hang (Errrrghh) but THEY FIT! DA DADA DAAAAAAA!! Oh and I got my ears pierced for the first time ever.

Shocking.

Actucally it is shocking if you knew me. I was shit scared of injections, now not so much as long as its away from my veins... and when they were pierced, it actually barley hurt! As my mum said, 'They're just fat!' the earloabs she means XD

.

Now for Bonge days. Well yesterday I met up with KT and we took her home this morning, I drank alot of coke zero, full fat energy drinks, 2 and a bit cookies, 1/3 paket of maryland cookies, a mars bar, half a big bar of kitkat, 3 twix sticks, couple of these cream cake things with chocolate, some doritos, egg sandwich, noodels, cereal and possibly more sweets. tomorrow I'm going back to mostly fruit and small ammounts of other the way Skinny Girl Diet goes.

.

Finally, my walking diet plan.

I wanted to do this a while ago but I had a shitty pedometer that turned off after a while and it was during the school term.

But its summer and this thing is 20 days long, basically includes alot of walking, drinking lots of water, and streaching on rest days. When Skei gets back from holiday we can walk together, Although We're lazy arounf each other (fuck -.-) but I'll get him to try. Shouldn't be too hard.

.

*Sigh*

Another busy busy day! -.-

I had to get next years uniform too...

and new bras...

and hair dye...

and, yeah you get the point

Good night. Jokes. My beds too messy to sleep at 7 o'clock.

Well Good bye anyways.

x

No Titlee [still no idea what number XD]

Ahh.
My ickle plan is working! (The food plan type thingg) Cozz I am at 146.5 XD and it seems pretty stable, seeing as my weight has been fluctuating. So YEY!
.
Oh Yeah I have been planning on following some of MY FOLLOWERS (its so awesome to say that XD) blogs but I've been busy so haven't had the chance. I haven't even caught up on my favourite blogs yet! o.o (I have about 2 or 3 so shouldn't take too long) And then I'll move on to my followers (Fat ballerina, Peri and maybe a few others, they just comment the most ;) )
.
And on to my life news.
Skei is going away for a week (Oh yeah Its finally the holidays XD) so I'll have to entertain myself and find some 'friends' to hang out with.
I am seeing a good friend of mine (KT) on Monday and shes staying over, I havent seen her in ages XD WOO I'm reasonably excited :)
I'm seeing Li on Wednesday before she leaves to go off the Spain.
I am making Manny a present for his 16th birthday and throwing him a party at the end of summer (his birthday is like the first day back at school)
I've got alot of course work to do *booo* and I got my timetable for next year, everythings basically the same except instead if ICT i have and extra Science lesson *hiss* so now instead of 5 science lessons I have SIX?? ARGH.
.
Yeah theres my update of my life XD
Well except one thing... But I'm not sure weather I wanna say it... But I am gonna say thisss... I broke the law in some way! :D (@.@) But yes. I'm not going to tell you what it is XD
.
And I must be off and finish cleaning my room and read blogs!
Au Reviour <3
x