It's not going well...

I can't seem to stick to any diet or fasting ritual I've ever done before. Fuck my life.
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.

I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.

I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.

Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.

My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.

I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.

This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I'm unreliable.
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!

Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Kodii
x

Greetigs To My Lovely Friends Who Understand Me More Than My Real Life Friends Do...

It's been too too long. I apologise. 3 months nearly, Corrr...
I had to take time for myself. I felt ashamed (as you do when you gain 20lbs in 2 months) and couldn't face coming back. I was also trying to distract myself from Skeii (Who, as it turns out, wants me back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!).

Heres an over view.
I got with Skeii's friend, Jed. (I am changing peoples names again coz I'm annoying.)
I'm smoking A LOT. And so is Manny.
I'm cutting again. Becase I got so desperate that I decided to use a knife until I found a lose razor blade which is my best friend.
I got with some dude... cringe.
I'm hopfully gonna get with this nearly-18-year-old guy called Justin Pike.
I got 37 out of 40 marks on a Diploma project (highest in my class! SCORE!)
I've discharged myself from my out-of-school counselling today.
I'm gonna get a bonzai tree! HAHA
I'm going to Spain in the summer (Ahhhh... Lushh!)
AND.
I am nearly on study leave. (20th May)

Generally, things are better. I know I'm not over Skei but I am working through it with the help of my dearest friend Manny.
And I shit myself when I saw how many followers I now have (even though I haven't posted in forever).
FORTY! AHH!!
Made me happy.

Here's where I become honest about my weight and diet problemo.
I got to 164/165 ish lbs.
I have been starving myself (for the first time since before Christmas) for 2 days.
I'm at 158.6lbs I think?
I have a lot of updating to do, but I am happier because now I can half focus on not eating but not so much that I have to eat. I'm proud of myself today. I feel like nothing can take me down right now.

I feel... Almost Free.

I love you guys. I'm sorry for not commenting or posting or even reading.
I will read the usual lot of blogs I read as soon as I'm finished updating.

Also, If anyone wants to be an e-mail buddy in case I dissapear again, contact me at: crazyxangel@hotmail.co.uk

I feel Powerful.
x

Confession Before A Final Perminent Turn, Hopefully For The Better...

Hey All.
Okay, the main reason I haven't been posting is that, well, I'm having a pretty shitty time in the life of Kodi.
.
Gained like a mother bitch.
155lbs.
Yes. Over 11 stone. I feel absolutely disgusting. Fatty McFatterson.
.
Yesterday I had the worst knock to my confidence I could ever imagine. Me and my mum went to look at this Prom dress shop she saw in BH. I picked 3 dresses to try on (around about size 10, I knew they wouldn't fit because I can never fit into a size 10 dress around my huge tits)...
After finding out, yep, they didn't fit, The shop assistant asked my mum if I was a size 14. A size 14. I could have cried right there in that shop. I refused to cry there though. I held it in. All the way home, even when I was getting dressed into gym gear, even most of the time I was pushing myself (harder than normal) on the treadmill... then the smallest thing pissed me off, sending me over the edge. I burst into tears on the floor next to the treadmill whist it was still going. I think I cried for a good half an hour at least. I did 0.9 miles. I got back on after my cry. I couldn't handle doing anymore so went back inside the house... where I stuffed my face with mostly bread and butter.
At this current moment in time I cannot control my binges. Although, thanks to my Green Tea habit, it doesn't seem to stay in my stomach for long.
I've been trying to get the least bit on track but It all goes arses up as soon as I get home from school. The Porridge calls to me...
.
Tomorrow I am finally starting the Ballerina diet. Minus most of the exercise.
I shall have half a grape fruit for breakfast, and apple at school, a low fat yogurt after school and a large cup of home made soup for dinner. I have to do this. I have to loose this weight for prom. Just in general I need to loose this weight before I decide I'm not gonna try anymore and do something stupid. I'm going to aim for 2 miles on P.E days, 0.5 miles on non-P.E days and as long as possible on weekends.
.
I hate being this way. I hate feeling the fat wobble as I walk.
I hate everything about me right now.
I could barley face you guys. I'm honestly scared that once you read this you'll leave me because I'm such an embarrassment to have displayed on your 'Blogs I''m Following' list.
.
I hope I can do this. Otherwise I'm going to prom in a suit.
.
Hopefully I'll post again this weekend.
I'm at my mum's boyfriend's house then because I'm going shopping on Saturday. More books you see. I've been reading a lot. I think I've done through about 3 books in a months or so? So I'm getting myself some more. And I'm looking into ordering diet pills online.
.
I wont be catching up on blogs until half term. Its easier that way because I never have free weekends anymore.
.
I love you all.
Please don't leave me? :(
x

I Think I Need To Grow Up A Little, Before I Get Involved..

School sucks. I suck. Food sucks. Starving sucks. Everything SUCKS!
.
I watched 'Black Swan' on Friday with my mum. Awkward turtle. Lesbian action, masturbation, bulimia, OCD, schizophrenia and drug abuse. Not something I'd purposely watch with my mother.
It was brilliant though.
Uber thinspiring. I googled Natalie Portman's diet to get into that sort of shape. I'm going to do that. Edited slightly. But I cant start today. None of the food on my list are in the fridge so I'm starting tomorrow. And I've been using the running machine! YES WE HAVE A RUNNING MACHINE AHH!! Honestly I've found that reading whilst walking at a reasonably fast by steady speed I can do 2 miles in 30-40 minutes. SCOREE!
.
Last week was a disaster weight wise. I'd been doing a lot of walking on the treadmill but GAINING. Which I totally didn't understand. Highest I got was nearly 153lbs. I was ready to kill myself. Now I've found I'm in the usual 147/148lbs range which has pleased me. So Starting tomorrow I'm doing the Ballerina Diet, plus weekdays, 1 mile walking and some dancing practice or general dancyness, Weekends 2 miles a day, at least and hour dance and some aerobics. Hopefully by next Monday I'll be ready to pass out.
.
I've also sorted the Skei situation once and for all. We talked at break (after my monster talk with Li about this during Maths) and we've decided its not fair on either of us that being together is so hard. We're giving it one more go for year 11 and have decided that some point in Summer, we're going to break up. Grow up a little. Five years approximately. Experiment some more, learn, live. All that milark. And we're going to stay friends over those years, then maybe we'll give us another go depending on where we both are in our lives and what we then want. So fro now, we're together. I'm happy about it. Because to be honest, I'm not sire if I want to break up with him properly now, but I'm not sure either of us are mature enough to handle this relationship yet. So all is good in that area.
.
Unfortunately. Ted has cancelled his party. His arsehole mate has forgotten the code to get into the apartment they were gonna use. Cuuuuunt.
Oh well, I'll just use this weekend for something else?
.
I bought high waisted shorts the other day. Size 8, fit my arse fine, my stomach is too massivo to do them up though. So there's my motivation.
.
There's my life updated. Haha. Like you really care ;)
I''m off to go be bored.
.
I'm obsessed with Dave The Laugh from Louise Rennison's books. He's so marvy and lush!
And a Laugh.
It is my mission in life to find him.
The real life version, not the actor in the shite film.
.
'weeks since I've seen her eat' - Too Sorry For Apologies - Breathe Again
.
Oh before I go. I keep having weird dreams abou Whitt... >.<>

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
.
I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
.
I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
.
I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
.
I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
.
I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
.
I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
.
Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
.
I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
.
'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

Put On Your Army Boots, Lets Take On The World.

Hello All.
First I just wanted to marvel at the fact that... I'm an inspiration?
Thank you @Zette for saying this. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me! Really, made my evening. And I'm so glad that I still have followers who've patiently waited for me over however long it took me to get my head in a better place. It means a lot that you're all glad I'm back!
@BelleRina. Obviously you can do it if you really want to! Don't let one little hiccup get you down (figures, after my 2 days of no food at all I had a MAHUSIVE binge, luckily I only gained about half a pound XD Not sure how that works) I'm going to start my fats again either tomorrow or Saturday, so you can do it too!
@Lilah Lee. I know how you feel! Its horrible, but it seems like you're keeping in good spirits. Trust me you need good enough spirit to get you up in the morning and to carry on. Good luck with you're resolutions :)
(Finally) @Mich. Thank you for the advise, Next time I'll take vitamins (I wasn't taking any at the time) so in my next fast I will take one multi a day.
.
Now moving on to what I was originally going to write about.
My self worth.
Yeah that might seem depressing but really, I'm just exploring what I believe and what other people have told me! Is it wrong that all I see are faults in myself, faults in my favourite body parts, faults in people on TV?
All I see to hear recently are compliments that I'm not even fishing for! Like the Ballerina/leg comment. I get all odds and ends of compliments about me that aren't said to my face.
I'm pretty.
I have nice legs.
I have big boobs (from the guys).
I'm smart.
Whats going on here? I'm not used to this! Thankfully, I'm starting to believe that I am smart, I'm not stupid anymore. I can get the grades I want, I do get the grades I want. How come I didn't see this before? Why did I think I was so stupid before this year? Maybe it was because I was comparing myself to other people? I dont think so. Comparing myself has showed me that, really, I'm smarter than a lot of my friends. I help my friends in classes, help THEM to understand whats being taught. I'm getting high B's and A's in most of my work. What made me believe I wasn't good enough mentally? Maybe because I'm borderline dyslexic and no one ever helped me because I wasn't 'bad' enough? My mum had to get me a personal tutor in year 5 because I literally could not read. Now? I'M WRITING FUCKING BOOKS!
One thing I've apparently always been good at is art.
Apparently, according to my friend, in Primary school we did a little drawing competition together, and we won because of my drawing. I dont even remember this!
.
Then... Why do I feel so pitiful about my appearance..?
I've noticed my confidence grow a little because of Capelin fancying me and complimenting me on more than just my looks. He liked everything. I was even STUPID enough to tell him about my eating issues. He just listened, he understood. Apparently his brother was Bulimic, so he's been through it. I've also got a TAKEN friend of mine flirting with me a lot... honestly, I try not to proper flirt back, I just say things that are intended to sound wrong to make the situation funny... its weird really. Strange how, he apparently really loves his girlfriend, but he feels the need to flirt with me? Makes me a little anxious about if that will happen to me... I'm trying really hard not to get bored with Skei. I love him, I really do. But I just lose interest in things quickly... which is why I think I argue with him a lot. Shake things up, make it interesting. I'm fucked up in the head. I either want to start and argument with Skei or go frolicking off with some fit indie who was looking me up and down. But I DONT WANT TO. I do and I dont. I do because it'd be different. I dont, because I've fucked things up enough as it is... I dont wanna go through that again. :/
Omg. I've sooo gone off track.
.
Either way.
Apparently I'm attractive. I may start asking guys at school... if I ever go back to school XD this snow has lasted several days and its like 2 foot deep.
.
Maybe I should accept I'm a good catch?
I dont know if I can do that though...
Its the battle of and Eating Disordered person, isn't it?
.
Apparently I deserve more...
I dont feel like I deserve anything.
Then, I feel like I deserve the world.
x

Make A Wish...

OMG.
Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
.
I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
.
Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
.
Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
.
I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
.
.
Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
.
Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
x
.
P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD

Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
.
I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
.
I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
.
Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
.
I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.
x

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
.
Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Ergh.
Seriously Sick.
.
We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
.
Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
.
I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
.
But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
SHE HAD SOUP FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!
HAHAHA
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
.
147
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
WHOOPDEY DOO!
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
OH.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
.
Life.
Sucks.
ARSE.
.
It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
.
And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
.
I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
DAMN IT!
.
G'Bye.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...
x

Achh, Ashamed At My Own Desision

This is so not fair.
.
WARNING!
I am about to whine about me being stupid.
.
Me and Skei are on a break. -.- I told him we needed to talk, and I said that I've found the recent few weeks quite difficult for us. And I gave him three options to think about.
1) stay together and try harder
2) go on a break, sort our selves out a little, and get back together after a few weeks.
3) just break up.
.
He thought about it for 2 lessons and we talked about it for most of Lunch break.
2-3 weeks of:
no kissing, holding hands, hugging or saying I love you.
being able to pull whoever I want (likely NO ONE)
No sex with anyone (and I told him to not pull anyone either... Or I may have to, yanno, Die?)
.
And guess what.
I FUCKING MISS HIM ALREADY!
But I know if I beg him to get back with me, then I'll regret it and want some time again.
But I had this thought...
If we did 'break' for 2 weeks, then maybe we could start our relationship again, slowly, with dates. Coz all we seem to do now is sleep at my house and go to school.
Which is why I'm confused as to whether I love him anymore.
And I scoffed 3 mars bars, about 5 table spoons of potatoe salad (not too fatty though actually) and some houmous with celery. And special K.
.
Right. So I've been SO tempted to call him and say 'FUCK IT I LOVE YOU' But I know thats not a good idea.
.
Oh and thank you for lovely comments :)
My Therapist made me nearly cry -.-
(I was talking about 'Daddy' issues)
And Peri~ I actually did know about the whole muscle thing, but thanks for confirming that IT IS TRUE :)
And thanks FBallerina, I was going to but didn't and ended up doing running in my P.E. lesson today.
.
I have a feeling I'm going to have a late night cry :/
Ah Well.
I'll beg a friend of mine to set me up with some sexy guy (lol, yeah right!)
I love you all
You're lovely.
Apologies for crappy rant btw
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gahh :/

Ah, Man Guys!
I'm sorry I haven't posted in like a week?! I've been swamped with Course Work and Exercising with my Gran XD
(Lotsa areobics TV and Stupid questions to answer)
.
Right. I was stupid at one point and gained back up to 149. I lost 2 or 3 again, so I'm around 147/146 again. (woop?) And I'm doing well, I do go over my calorie limit but I guess I burn it off and for dinner recently, I've stuck to home made veggie soup (which I dont count as calories coz I'm on the SGD and its a liquid) I've gone off my morning coffee for some reason... but hey, a couple less calories.
.
Oh aaaaand I've been feeling FAINT-ISH AGAIN! YEY!
I loooove that feeling, I've missed it soo much!
AND I lost half an inch off my thighs! :o like wow, and my calfs look thinner but they're still 14 inches but hey.
Oh and after the HUGE ammount of exercise I did this week, my arms KILL. So hopefully I'll have sexy skinny arms :3
.
I'm going on a school trip in December! I'm going to GERMANY!! :D I've never been to Germany before! :D Its only for 2 days for the Christmas market in Colone (cant spell for shit :3) But should be amazing, I'm hopefully gonna share a room with Anneli, and Manny and Skei will hopefully be able to go so WOOP! Although... Kitty will be going -.- (Thank God the HM wont be going! I dont think...)
So I'll talk about that a bit, and hopefully beable to blog on my phone... Keep you updated. And we only get breakfast on the second day but dont get dinner or lunch either day so I'll be skipping out. I'll take a bag of apples over for my snacks XD
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I had the urge to try and purge (pardon the rhyme) today. Just coz I was in a horrible mood coz my form tutor (lets call him Mr. Nazi...) told me to stop singing. But I went to the bathroom, but people were in there, so I waited a bit until they left, one didn't and turned out someone was crying, so I gave up on that thought and scoffed some chocolates and cereal when I got home. I haven't done any exercise except my P.E lesson and should currently be doing Diploma work -.- fuck that I'll do it later.
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Oh and its reached the time of COLLEGE x.x I'm sooo fucked. I now have no idea where I wont to go :/ I'm just gonna apply to loads and decide out of the ones that accept me. Ahhhh :/
Oh well... I'll go to loads of open days too XD haha just turn up and look at loads of places then decide on one. They all seem good, I guess I'll have to come up with a nickname for the one I finally decide on.. XD Rambling, sorry.
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Over all I've been very busy and you're lucky I've posted today XD
I'm still fat. But I WILL BE FUCKING SKINNY GOD DAMMIT!!!
I'm starting to hate coming up with lists...
some changes you've noticed physically (yes ED related today)
1I have a waist now
2Tiny wrists
3Quite skinny shoulders and arms (still flabby though)
4more abdominem muscle
5my face has thinned out
6when I lay down I can feel my ribs and hips
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oh one last thing, I'm re-reading LoveSick. I'm in need of triggering/thinsperation... whichever :/
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Cheerio (not the food you numpty!)
x

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
ONE YEAR ANAVERSARY!
With Skei btw XD
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Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
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Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
Correction.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
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I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
I mean OMG! I GOT FULL MARKS AND CLOSE TO FULL MARKS??
NO WAYYYYY!!!
:D
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
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the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
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Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
G'bye!
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)
x

Whoopeyy!!

Hey. Guess What?
I have awesome news!
But I'll get to that!
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It was awesome reading (3) people's stories and dislikes about school XD It's a great topic to bitch about!
I'm sorry I cant remember names atm (Shame on me) but whoever said about her shoes getting nicked.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO!!
Out of the girls changing rooms and I had to wear my P.E. trainers until my mum bought a new pair!
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Oh and, seeing as my skirt caused such a ruckus, I'm going to wear it again tomorrow. My old head of year actually said 'Well, thats better!' when she saw me in my trousers (skinny legged ones btw)... I hate her. I went on and explained everything (height, length, right place, other girls are shorter.. etc.) then she said something like 'I dunno what it was, something just wasn't right, maybe its because you weren't wearing tights.'
What the fuck??
I told her my tights had a hole in which I asked my mum to fix so I didn't have any. Which is the truth, but I wanted to wear my long socks anyway.
And I'm going to tomorrow :) She can kiss my arse. I'm going to dye my hair BRIGHT FUCKING PURPLE some point this year and there's nothing she can do about it!
tbh they can't. They can tell you you shouldn't dye your hair unnatural colours and tell you off, but what else are they gonna do? Come to your house, shove your head under the shower and apply hair dye??
Oh dear XD
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Oh but anyway. To my awesome news...
I'VE LOST 2.5 LBS!!!!!!!!
LYKE OH EMM GEEE!!!!!!
Seriously though, Corr! I found that out coz my mum finally got a battery for our scales and it works again. I lost weight and had 3 pieces of chocolate cake (2 of which I stuffed when I got home... tut tut) and that was after a whole day of eating a little and drinking.
I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow just to make sure!
But I think I'm going to stick to 'Measure every few days' for weight coz When you dont know... You want to make a difference! Well for me anyway... And I think I'm going to measure with the tape every month, or 4 weeks, whatever. Because this seems to be working! I use more energy at school, I do minimum of 90 minutes of activity per week, with my SGD I have an exercise to do everyday which will help, and the calories are very low making my total calories burned around 2000 or more!
WHOOPEYYYYYY!!!
Now I'm off to update my goals and check my BMI!!!
Then Maybe get a mug of warm milk ^-^
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Damn... Favourite books
1 LoveSick (Sweet true story with a Bulimic girl in it)
2 Generation Dead (Glamorising Zombies for once! It's really good)
3 Ways To Live Forever (About a young boy in England I think, with Leukemia, uber saaad :( )
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I reccomend those :)
Laaaaaaave...
Soon To Be Skinny Angel!
;)
x

It's A Skirt! We Don't Live In The 1930's Anymore!

My God.
I was spoken to about my skirt at least 5 times today for it being apparently too short.
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Frankly. Up yours!
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I'm tall. Not my fault my skirt goes 5 1/2 inches above my knee! Ooohh Thigh! What ever shall we do!?
Fack Offfffffff!
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Okay, whether you want to hear it or not I'm going to tell you coz, well, this is MY BLOG. Full of all sorts of SHIT.
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Anyway.
First My head of year said that my skirts too short, I told her that the waist band of the skirt is in the right place, so I can't help it! (they're long waisted skirts with pleats at the bottom)
Then when I went to ask Mrs. K if I could borrow a jumper for the day (coz apparently my cardigan just wasn't good enough...) she mentioned my skirt was a bit short (A BIT!) and I explained the waist band thing, and she just agreed and said, yeah, it was because I'm tall. So she was happy about it coz I actually can't do anything about it.
Then when I was going to my first lesson, the 2 head of years (same woman from last time and a bloke) said I should do something about my skirt, I said something like 'Well I said before, It's at the right place, I'm just tall' then the bloke chipped in and said 'looks like its been rolled up to me!'
Fuck off.
I actually lifted my school polo shirt to show him it wasn't. Then the woman said 'well pull it down a bit' I did sort of but the way they're made, you cant really do that. And she kept telling me more as I walked off, but as soon as I was out of her sight I moved it back coz it was really uncomfortable where it was, and made absolutely no difference.
The going into Science my MAN teacher (Mr. SPF actually...) said to sort my skirt out. I said I cant. I'm tall. He turned round and said, 'You getting a new one?'
Fuck off.
THIS IS NEW ARSE HOLE!! And cost my mum more than a tenner! (£10 if you're wondering) And I'm quite sure she's not going to replace it! Specially since its new, and they all come in ONE LENGTH.
Twats.
Then Lunch ended, I walked past the woman Head of year AGAIN and as I was just about out the door she said, 'better think about that'
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
.
Think about a skirt? No thanks, I've got better things to focus on, like, I dunno, my COURSEWORK!? That time I just ignored her.
I'm going to tell my Therapist/Counsellor type lady that my teachers are now bullying me. Seriously, how many times does ONE teacher have to say something? Especially to me! They should know by now I'm above average on the intellect front and not an old age pensioner! I can remember what you said earlier! I may have done SOME damage thanks to those pain killers but nothing THAT serious!
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I feel like bashing their faces in (Except Mrs. K who just accepted you cant do a lot about a skirt that's worn correctly but by a tall person.
Okay I'm not tall.
I'm taller than average in the UK. Which seems to make a lot of difference when you wear skirts and jumpers. So fucking hard to get the balance right!
God they would have had a field day if had decided to wear my black boots!! -.-
I mean I'm in my last year of school, I hardly ever do anything wrong (Only a few things and I get out of them easy) the only thing I don't follow like a fucking sniffer dog to coke is the dress code. I wear trainers to school. They haven't noticed. I wear skinny leg trousers to school, they don't notice. And what annoys me more is that I WAS WARY about wearing my skirt coz we had some strong breezes today, I was weary of flashing people! I held my fucking skirt to my legs for God's sake!
.
I had a compliment from Skei about my uniform.
Hot. XD
And my friend said that coz I was wearing long socks, I looked like a slut, but she didn't mean it in a bitter way! Just a comment, which I do agree on partly, But I didn't have any tights with out holes in so I just went for socks.
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Wow. Who knew someone could rant so much about a fucking school uniform!?
I'm sorry.
How about something ED related aye?
In science we're doing things about healthy living.
Straight away we were told to calculate the amount of calories we use per day at school. Blimey, I've never been so interested in my life! Corr if I have to do an EXAM on this, I'm gonna rock the fuckin' boat and get a fucking A****** (not a possible grade before anyone point that out to me...) And all the fat people pictures and what happens to your veins and arteries if your obese stuff really put me off food. WHOOPEYY!
Oh and I've only eaten an apple and a custard cream. I think I'm starting to get indigestion... Suckishhhh
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Urh right.
3 things you HATE about your school/college/workplace
1looks like a shit hole
2the teachers are NAFF
3The whole 'Skirt' thing...
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I love you :)
x

Right, Lets Get Down To Bussiness (Again..)

Right, I calculated that if I have a calorie deficite of 1000 per day, I'll get to my UGW of 112lbs in about 4 months and 2 weeks.
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Sounds easy.
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But of course it fuckin' aint!
.
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My stomanch hates me coz the lack of fruit I've been eating So I'm having THOSE issues.
Dont make me spell it out :(
La Toilette -.-'
But I haven't been binging which I think is good. I've been drinking alot of coffee, and changed my milk to skimmed in stead of semi-skimmed. If i drink semi-skimmed, I can now actually TASTE the extra fat in it!! I never thought I'd say something like that!! It's like once I started drink diet coke, I cant stand actual coke. And after eating special K I'd rather eat that than coco pops.. And at one point, I'd rather eat an apple than a piece of chocolate. I need to get back into that.
.
And this is gonna sound really bad, but... I'm kinda gonna fatten the girls up at school...
I know. Thats real bad.
But I cant help it.
As long as the packet of crisps or piece of chocolate isn't in my hands, then I don't care.
I want to be a hot girl!!
(Hense the reason that on my first day back I'm gonna wear a skirt with long black socks...)
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And I'll be doing the usual take fatty shit and something healthy to school then throw the fatty shit at whoever walks past.
Okay not WHOEVER walks past but whoever wants it.
And I'll have an apple.
Or I might throw that away too...
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either way, I'm gonna write down MY SGD today which is gonna be in action on Monday onwards.
Oh yah, and I'll be forced to do 90 minutes of activity a week, maybe more. PLus the extra walking.
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1- 200 + 10 push ups
2- 150 +10 crunches
3- 200 + 1 lap of fields
4- 250 + 3000-4000 steps
5- 225 + 5 laps of stairs
6- 325 + heavy clothes
7- 325 + heavy clothes
8- 200 + 20 leg lifts
9- 150 + 50 crunches
10- 200 + 20 reverse crunches
11- 250 + lap of fields
12- 225 + 2 laps of fields
13- 325 + 5000 steps
14- 350 + 10 push ups
15- 200 + ballet
16- 150 + streaches
17- 225 + ballet
18- 250 + ballet
19- 225 + jog lap of fields
20- 325 + 20 crunches and pushups
21- 350 + streaches
22- 200 + 50 toe touches
23- FAST + streaches
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I've noticed that most of the Tuesdays have around 150 calories on and I have P.E on Tuesdays. OH WELL!!
Get me used to nearly passing out again!
:/ I kinda miss that feeling. I sometimes get it even though I've eaten.
.
Okay I've rambled enough I think?
gimme some of your appearance goals
-a 2 inch gap between my thighs
-Ribs and hipbones on display
-a 24 or less inch waist
-size UK 6/US 2
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Thats about it.
I love you all :)
<3

Currently In A Good Mood (I Know SHOCKING!)

Ah, I've decided for the next 4 months and 3 days I'm going to try and get a calorie deficite of minimum 500 calories. Because if I can maintain that minimum for the 4 months and 3 days I will apparently loose EIGHT-TEEN POUNDS!!! And instead of being horrible 150lbs I'd be 132lbs!!
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So right now I'm going to try the negative-calorie diet until I start school, then I'll go on either MY SGD or the oridginal one! Apparently I burn over 1500 calories just LIVING, so the negative calorie diet for 8 days should be of good use, and when I go on the SGD (which lasts around 20 days) I'll eat lots of fruit and veg especially the negative value ones XD
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WOOHOO!
I'LL BE SKINNY FOR NEW YEAR!!
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Oh yes and I told myself to be truthfully honest with you guys about my new (real) measurements. So here we go...
Neck - 13
UpperArm - 11
Elbow - 9.25
ForeArm - 8
Wrist - 6
Bust - 37
Underbust - 34
Waist - 31
Hipbones - 36.5
Hips(ArseArea) - 37.5
Thigh - 18.5
Knee - 13
Calf - 13
Ankle - 8.75
Weight - 150 lbs
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Is it weird that my neck is the same as my Knee and Calf?? But Woot! I'm loosing inches from my rib area (underbust) before it was probs 38?
But My inches goals to obtain by New Years are only a couple of inches different, and kind of realistic to the goal weight loss and the shape of my body. I think the biggest inch difference in my goals is for my waist at only 3 inches. And my arse area takign away about 2.5 inches so hopefully it'll be do able XD
Does it sound realistic?
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Meh anyway I'll just leave now :)
Shit... List... x.x
Uhm..
3 current goals you have, doesn't have to be related to weight loss XD
1 lose minimum 15lbs by new years
2 get high grades in my GCSE's
3Get into a good college
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FIN!
X

Errrr?

Okay.
Please. Someone SHOUT AT ME I'M A BAD BAD GIRL!!
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I suck at fasting -.- Caved into a cookie (thanks to Skei) and just pigged out on Mac and CHEESE??!!
My God I'm A HUUUUUGE FATTIE!!
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So.. Shout At me!
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I WILL FAST FOR 4 DAYS THOUGH!!
=.= (Determined face)
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Uhm... Right well.
To new followers who haven't bothered to read my character list: I may be getting checked out, but I cant and wont say yes as SKEI is my boyfriend. Just thought I'd clear that up! Incase people didn't know!
Oh and I made a character name mistake last time x.x T and G... No.. Its T and Gaz. Sorry guys XD
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I did my first yoga class todayy!!
It sucked.
It was full of old people who could do MORE THAN ME!
WTF! I'm supposed to be flexable? Fucking hell do I hurt!
.
*sigh* Well heres my food plan.
I shall fast for 4 days (til monday) And then move onto my version of Skinny Girl Diet! Basically I halfed the calories so I'd eat less shit and be forced to eat fruit!
Thats like... 3 ish weeks long... I keep forgetting where I left my booklet with it in so I'm not sure. But I WILL FAST =.=
FASTFASTFASTFASTFAST...
I just realised if you type fast wrong it could be 'Fats'
Ironic.
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I've also set up exercises to do each day on my SGD so hopefully I'll loose weight FAST
See what I did there?
No? Okay.. :(
.
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Oh God, I dont want school to start in about 2 and a half weeks!! I have course work to do and a book to read for English! GAHH!!
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But I CBAAAA!!!
Coz, as you all know...
I'M A LAZY FATTIEEE!!
WOO
RUN FATTIE RUN!!
GAHHH!!!
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I have no lists for you... I'll think of one!!!!
*thinks*
Top 3 people you couldn't live with out!!
1Skei.. (feel special BIYATCH)
2Mannyy XD
3All those sexy people out there! My Thinspo's basically XD
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Spaz list :3
I'll leave before you get TOO scared of me
Again
I'm sorry! I'll stop!
x

I'M BEING CHECKED OUT??????

Ahahahahaa!!

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My God I never thought I'd say that!

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Okay it started at the wedding where I got drunk, the two guys around my age who I got friendly with (thanks to Skei) later in the night (After being rather wasted and T puking a rainbow XD) told me they were both proper checking me out when they first saw me and were doing their weird little signal to eachother meaning they thought I was hot.

.

Oh.

My.

GOD!

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I've never been checked out before! They said they thought I was like 18 (urhh like 2 and a bit years off bbe XD) and the reason they thought I was hot was coz..

-I have nice legs

-I looked cool in my skinnies

-I have a nice bum

-I have a nice face

-I have big boobs

I mean SERIOUSLY?? 2 guys thought(well think..) I'm hot?? And haha... I slept in the same bed as T and Skei... Both in their underwear... teehee ^-^ I feel slightly whore-ish (Yeah Peri You have a point ;]) And T was the Hot one.. G was the short shubby one. Who's room I got changed in before we even spoke XD He was shocked when he found that out. And I was the first girl to stay in his room ;) PAHAHA! I'M SO COOL! XD

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And today in Iceland (the food shop..) This kinda hot guy was checking me out when I was standing with my Gran (PAHA!) I guessed he was checking me out because he was looking at me until he passed me. And he made full 3 second eye contact with me.

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Corr... Am I hot now??? Wow. I don't feel it... But I like the attention XD

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Anyway. I was shocked when I saw the increase in Followers. FANKS PrettyWreck<3>(Btw can someone tell me how to link to other bloggers on my blog? I'm sucha retard)

.

And to whoever likes lists... I LIKE THEM TOO!

Todays list!

5 Favourite possesions. Not people... You don't own people. Well... I don't myabe you do?

Anyway..

1Laptop<3

2My only size 8 shorts

3My Huge comfy trainers that are battered

4My phone...

5My little stuffed toy dog Poppy :3

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WOO!...

?

I dont know.

One final notice... I'm going to attempt to fast. Yeah. Not much hope really, aspecially for 5 days... BUT I WILL TRY HARD

Ah...

Well... Sayonara <3

x

Friday 13th O.o

Okay, seeing as today isn't really a lovely day for most people and also considering my mood and the mood of everyone around me... Where was I?
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Oh yes.
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I want everyone who comments to make a list of things they like about themselves!
feel free to go into as much detail as you like, you can write about personality, looks, or accomplishments!
I'm gonna stick with looks, coz I don't wanna ramble.
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So I'm gonna sound vein XD
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I like:
-My hair
-My eyes
-The fact my nose hasn't got a bump in it
-My fairly straight teeth
-My shoulders
-My wrists
-My legs (although not so much)
-my ankles
-my feet (btw, they got a size smaller. WTF)
-My bum XD
-My glasses (even though they aren't me)
-My style
I think that's it?
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But really try hard to find at least 5 things you like about your appearance coz for me that's usually the hardest place for me to find things but I've done well today XD
I love you
You're all sexy
GoodBye!
x