154.6

Right. I've dropped 5.2 lbs since last Wednesday, but I have a really bad feeling about today that I'm going to gain or something.
I'm so proud of myself that I've managed to lose so match with, reasonably, little effort. Although this next week, starting on my update day, I think I'll bump up the exercise. I may even convince Grace to take me clubbing with her. Although it may be a Tranny bar, but hey, they more dancing the better!

So on my Tumblr blog, I've asked my followers and whoever else to send me messages (which are depicted on a post) so I'll do some exercise. Coz I feel mega guilty for some reason.

I think tomorrow I'll skip breakfast, lunch and have a small dinner of soup then that will be it, to kick start week 2.

I may even log on to Pretty Thin again to find some workouts to do...
Or use some old one's I printed months ago.

hopefully, I'm still losing.

<3

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
.
I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
.
I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
.
I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
.
I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
.
I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
.
I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
.
Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
.
I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
.
'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

To Love Is A Difficult Battle You Must Eventualy Win.

Gutentag vom mich!
Deustchland war SEHR GUT! ICH LIEBE DEUSTCHLAND!!
.
Ahhhh, the Koln christmas markets were amazing! I love Koln. It advertizes like Japan, has shops like New York, and German people EVERYWHERE! The markets had so many cute things, like ginger bread messages, personalised bracelets, sparkly boxes, embriodered cloths, marballs XD, incense (including cannabis smell), glass figures and SO MUCH FOOD.
.
The crepes. PHWOARRR. I had 3. And a HUGE waffle. Mmmmm... Gorge. I bought my Gran some different types of nugart, my mum a little candel holder, Manny a red glass dragon, my Great Grandmother an embroidered cloth, my dad an amathyst stone, and an awesome ring (its a dragon!) and quartz necklace to replace the one Skei broke. I got Skei a bracelet with his name on it... its different to what you think. When I give it to him, I'll take a picture of it on his wrist for you guy to see. Its not girly, but Its nice... (Shit, maybe I wont show you coz it has his real name on it, not Skei... Ehh I'll think about it.)
.
I spent €100.
haha. It was my dads money so its all good.
I'm gonna have to start giving out presents this week, it being the last week and all... ehhh. E. F. F. O. R. T.
.
Oh I over heared Olii (a guy in my class who has the same birthday as Lii) say that he would fuck me. Cool? But Den, another guy on the trip, said he wouldnt. Tah. -.- Oh well. I dont really care. Even though prior to that moment I said I would go out with him to Stone.
.
Oh well. I deal with plenty of people who dont want to fuck me daily, one more that is known wont kill me.
.
Hmm. I'm still resolving my issue in the previous post.
.
I'm not really watching what I'm eating. I'm too too too stressed. I have work to hand in on Friday. (about a terms worth of class diaries which I havent dont any of) and I'm doing the Christmas shows.
A show to primary kids on Tuesday. Opening night on Wednesday. Closing night on Thursday. I have to buy tickets. :/ Effort.
.
Mum got me an aplication form for a job in a near by town in a clothing shop. I'm gonna apply. Got nothing to loose, I need some extra dough. And I got letters from the colleges I applied too saying they got my application and they will send anopother letter with details of my interviews.
Yessss.
In. The. Bag.
XD
.
I'm going to sort out my bed a little, then go to bed now.
(tbh my weight isn't too bad, only 150lbs. only 10lbs to loose in 2 weeks. Not too bad.)
.
'My life is a circus, and I'm tripping down that tightrope.' - Papa Roach - Thrown Away.

Put On Your Army Boots, Lets Take On The World.

Hello All.
First I just wanted to marvel at the fact that... I'm an inspiration?
Thank you @Zette for saying this. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me! Really, made my evening. And I'm so glad that I still have followers who've patiently waited for me over however long it took me to get my head in a better place. It means a lot that you're all glad I'm back!
@BelleRina. Obviously you can do it if you really want to! Don't let one little hiccup get you down (figures, after my 2 days of no food at all I had a MAHUSIVE binge, luckily I only gained about half a pound XD Not sure how that works) I'm going to start my fats again either tomorrow or Saturday, so you can do it too!
@Lilah Lee. I know how you feel! Its horrible, but it seems like you're keeping in good spirits. Trust me you need good enough spirit to get you up in the morning and to carry on. Good luck with you're resolutions :)
(Finally) @Mich. Thank you for the advise, Next time I'll take vitamins (I wasn't taking any at the time) so in my next fast I will take one multi a day.
.
Now moving on to what I was originally going to write about.
My self worth.
Yeah that might seem depressing but really, I'm just exploring what I believe and what other people have told me! Is it wrong that all I see are faults in myself, faults in my favourite body parts, faults in people on TV?
All I see to hear recently are compliments that I'm not even fishing for! Like the Ballerina/leg comment. I get all odds and ends of compliments about me that aren't said to my face.
I'm pretty.
I have nice legs.
I have big boobs (from the guys).
I'm smart.
Whats going on here? I'm not used to this! Thankfully, I'm starting to believe that I am smart, I'm not stupid anymore. I can get the grades I want, I do get the grades I want. How come I didn't see this before? Why did I think I was so stupid before this year? Maybe it was because I was comparing myself to other people? I dont think so. Comparing myself has showed me that, really, I'm smarter than a lot of my friends. I help my friends in classes, help THEM to understand whats being taught. I'm getting high B's and A's in most of my work. What made me believe I wasn't good enough mentally? Maybe because I'm borderline dyslexic and no one ever helped me because I wasn't 'bad' enough? My mum had to get me a personal tutor in year 5 because I literally could not read. Now? I'M WRITING FUCKING BOOKS!
One thing I've apparently always been good at is art.
Apparently, according to my friend, in Primary school we did a little drawing competition together, and we won because of my drawing. I dont even remember this!
.
Then... Why do I feel so pitiful about my appearance..?
I've noticed my confidence grow a little because of Capelin fancying me and complimenting me on more than just my looks. He liked everything. I was even STUPID enough to tell him about my eating issues. He just listened, he understood. Apparently his brother was Bulimic, so he's been through it. I've also got a TAKEN friend of mine flirting with me a lot... honestly, I try not to proper flirt back, I just say things that are intended to sound wrong to make the situation funny... its weird really. Strange how, he apparently really loves his girlfriend, but he feels the need to flirt with me? Makes me a little anxious about if that will happen to me... I'm trying really hard not to get bored with Skei. I love him, I really do. But I just lose interest in things quickly... which is why I think I argue with him a lot. Shake things up, make it interesting. I'm fucked up in the head. I either want to start and argument with Skei or go frolicking off with some fit indie who was looking me up and down. But I DONT WANT TO. I do and I dont. I do because it'd be different. I dont, because I've fucked things up enough as it is... I dont wanna go through that again. :/
Omg. I've sooo gone off track.
.
Either way.
Apparently I'm attractive. I may start asking guys at school... if I ever go back to school XD this snow has lasted several days and its like 2 foot deep.
.
Maybe I should accept I'm a good catch?
I dont know if I can do that though...
Its the battle of and Eating Disordered person, isn't it?
.
Apparently I deserve more...
I dont feel like I deserve anything.
Then, I feel like I deserve the world.
x

4 Days To Go.

Okay, I'm going to say something thats really fucking confusing me.
(also, why have I lost 2 followers? :[ )
.
But before that, the situation with B? Yeah well I pulled him. Thats what happened, I know, dull but I didn't want Skei to find out. I doubt he'll find out soon seeing as he never comes on Blogger.
.
Right, remember Skei's cousin was texting me (I re-named him Chavvy-Mc-C in my head for a while..)
He is, well basically, in love with me.
Yeah, Okay, HOW THE FUCKK?? Why do I make people love me? He called me the other day because I was trying to convince him that I would eventually fuck him up, he thought I didnt like him at all. I do, really I do, which I hate so much. And we had a really nice conversation. My mum was out so I didn't have to worry about being loud, and we made each other laugh, and the weirdest thing is...
He's just like Skei.
He's tried to kill himself, Cut himself in the past, Blonde hair (Skei is more mousy brown now), blue eyes (Skei's are blue, brown and green), 6'1(Skei's 6'), muscly (Skei has a faint 8 pack), and finally the weirdest of them all...
They sound insanely similar.
I nearly told C when we were on the phone together that he sounded like Skei, decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend coz he's getting paid then, and I'm busy this weekend anyway.
But Shit.
Now I'm probably gonna have to choose between them. (fuckshitarsemonkeymerdeficktwatt) I've never felt so loved, in a bad fucking way.
.
Skei will be telling me sometime today if he's allowed over on Sunday, I'll probably jump on him... Speaking of... I impulsively kissed him the other day. Oh my days, the way he just sorta stared into space for about 5 minutes after was like, 'dude? wtf?' but when he snapped out of it he gave me that smile that melts my face every time! Damn him!
Later he said, 'no more surprise kisses!'
'Why?'
'Because'
'Because Why!?'
Took a while to get it out of him but he said,
'It's distracting!'
I'm distracting? Wow! I'm distracting, Huh.
(Ohhhh Shiiiit I've just been given a HUGE amount of chocolate, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to EAT THEM ALL FUCKFUCKFUCK!)
But I have issues XD I have to choose between someone who I (at the moment) keep falling in love with again and again (Skei) or fresh meat who's seemingly hot and incredibly nice (C)...
Shit.
I love you.
x

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
.
Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Ergh.
Seriously Sick.
.
We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
.
Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
.
I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
.
But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
SHE HAD SOUP FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!
HAHAHA
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
.
147
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
WHOOPDEY DOO!
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
OH.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
.
Life.
Sucks.
ARSE.
.
It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
.
And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
.
I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
DAMN IT!
.
G'Bye.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...
x

Laxative, Anyone?

Right.
Yes, I have laxatives. My mum knows.
Yes, my mum knows!
Coz I was having so much discomfort from not being able to go...
Seriously, it feels so good! I feel... I dunno, like I'm cleansing my body!
Obviously not, but hey, whatever.
.
the picture (just thought I'd tell you) reminds me of my Anorexic friend... not the style or face, just how fragile her body looks.
I wanna look like that, DAMN IT.
.
I think I'm still at 147/146
Hopefully... I'll lose some this weekend? Next week?
Omg. Speaking of...
I'm 16 in les than 2 weeks.
Fuuuuuuuuuckk
.
I'm about to eat Celery and low fat humous!! Woo!
It's actually quite nice, so was the low fat potatoe salad :)
but I ate that yesterday.
Need to get more, really...
.
Theres a bonfire in a near by town tomorrow.
I was going to drink, but now decided just to keep Manny out of trouble...
Seeing as last year he doesn't remember a thing. And he did some baad stuff...
Well. Kinda.
So it'll be a night of running around, watching fireworks and a big bonfire... Not eating... Hopefully.
.
Achh lifes so difficult, ain't it?
.
Urgh.
Ate too much -.-
Damn cereal.
x

Achh, Ashamed At My Own Desision

This is so not fair.
.
WARNING!
I am about to whine about me being stupid.
.
Me and Skei are on a break. -.- I told him we needed to talk, and I said that I've found the recent few weeks quite difficult for us. And I gave him three options to think about.
1) stay together and try harder
2) go on a break, sort our selves out a little, and get back together after a few weeks.
3) just break up.
.
He thought about it for 2 lessons and we talked about it for most of Lunch break.
2-3 weeks of:
no kissing, holding hands, hugging or saying I love you.
being able to pull whoever I want (likely NO ONE)
No sex with anyone (and I told him to not pull anyone either... Or I may have to, yanno, Die?)
.
And guess what.
I FUCKING MISS HIM ALREADY!
But I know if I beg him to get back with me, then I'll regret it and want some time again.
But I had this thought...
If we did 'break' for 2 weeks, then maybe we could start our relationship again, slowly, with dates. Coz all we seem to do now is sleep at my house and go to school.
Which is why I'm confused as to whether I love him anymore.
And I scoffed 3 mars bars, about 5 table spoons of potatoe salad (not too fatty though actually) and some houmous with celery. And special K.
.
Right. So I've been SO tempted to call him and say 'FUCK IT I LOVE YOU' But I know thats not a good idea.
.
Oh and thank you for lovely comments :)
My Therapist made me nearly cry -.-
(I was talking about 'Daddy' issues)
And Peri~ I actually did know about the whole muscle thing, but thanks for confirming that IT IS TRUE :)
And thanks FBallerina, I was going to but didn't and ended up doing running in my P.E. lesson today.
.
I have a feeling I'm going to have a late night cry :/
Ah Well.
I'll beg a friend of mine to set me up with some sexy guy (lol, yeah right!)
I love you all
You're lovely.
Apologies for crappy rant btw
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Yo Mother FUCKERRR I'm Gonna Be Ripped Blud!"

Ahhh... Right I dont know where this blog is going but hey, We'll see aye?

.

I had a dance audition yesterday.

About 3 hours of dance.

I can feel it in my thighs.

Kinda my arse too...

.

My arms haven't gotten smaller.

I can feel a bit more muscle though...

.

My birthday Is about 2 weeks away...

I dont have to time to be turning 16.

Or having a party.

My Gran is going to book an appointment or something at a spa for us in the half term as my birthday present.

Opting for the ditoxifying kelp/seaweed wrap type thing...

.

I ache. Alot.

Can barley breathe because of the pain in the back of my ribs.

.

I dont know if I've lost anymore weight.

Doubt it.

.

I have a audition for the school Christmas show.

I should be learning a song for it, but cba.

.

I've just realised this is a very mono-toned list of things.

.
I am actually sleeping, its not as broken up, but I'm now waking up at 4 in the morning and falling asleep again.

.

I've tried to do 10 starjumps every morning to up my motabollism...

Didn't do it today.

I've only had a bowel of yogurt and a cup of coffee.

.

I'm debating the pros and cons of being with Skei.

We've both got doubts that we'll last.

I'm going to find this decision hard.

.

.

.

.

.

Fucks sake.

I may have to take some time?

Quoi? Was? Wut? -.-'

Gahh I feel like an Ungly girrrrrl :(
My scales ran outta battery and I have no idea if I've gained or staied the same or what.
.
But I've been sort of better with my eating (well, considering my period..) and Skei ate the remainder of the fake snickers and loads of sandwiches XD (chocolate spread, jam and lemon curd..)
Paha!
Omg I'm fattening him up XD
He had a faff with my weird electric muscle building things XD he said it felt funny (no duh, youre being electricuted..)
.
*sigh*
I'm bored. Sorry for the crappy blog, I thought I should blog again..
.
My glasses broke at the lense place, they were putting the lenses in but the frame broke -.-' had to go get another pair of glasses and ANOTHER pair that were actual glasses and not crappy poser ones... so hopefully I'll have new glasses. But not before my first day back at school (Monday.. faackk) I still haven't read Lord of The Flies... I'll read it tomorrow...
.
I dont wanna go back to school but I do aswell.
I dont coz of the people I cant stand and my new maths teacher...
I do coz I'm less likely to eat myself silly... I'm more likely to not eat most the day.. and I have my own living thinspo (and reverse thinspo XD) around me!
.
But it's just so much effort... Specially since this year I have to apply to a college and CHOOSE the courses I wanna do... -.-
.
Thats it really.
gimme a guilt pleasure of yours.
Mine is watching '13 going on 30' XD
<3
x