Crystal Flakes Of Glass Are Falling, Floating, Melting.

The snow is for looking at, not playing in.
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I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I hate it because it melts on my feet, soaking my socks and freezing my toes off. Also, its just cold. I love it because it gives me reason to wrap up and wear huge jumpers, and it looks beautiful.
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Theres so much snow, its insane. It began to melt around midday though, so it might be gone by tomorrow. I'm hoping to get out of the house. Theres nothing to do when Skei is here. I can think of lots of stuff to entertain me when I'm alone, but with Skei... fuck we have nothing to do and he wants my attention. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ATTENTION WITH OUT MOANING. Really, our relationship revolves around looking pretty together, sleeping and watching Naruto. Thats it in a nutshell. Slightly deeper? He's madly in love with me and I have no idea if I still love him because he's (dare I say it) so needy. Apparently I come off as needy and clingy? OMG I DONT SEE THAT?! I need to sort myself out.
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On the plus side. I'm 145.4lbs! Freshly weighed this morning before my shower! Success!! Only 5 and a bit more pounds to lose in... 13 days! I CAN SO DO THAT! I've calculated (In my many bored moments) that I have lost at least a pound a day!! Still haven't technically eaten. Made more soup, had half of if for lunch, the rest for tomorrow. I also had a lot of chocolate milk shake today which kept me full and also tropical juice. Nom! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to burn off some boredom energy and force Skei out of bed and go for a walk. If he doesn't get up then I'm going to do a work out video! I do love sky! (Fitness TV anyone?)
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I've been cooking most the day, I helped my Gran make 2 other soups for everyone else and I did a quick sweep of the living room. OMG! I could do some cleaning tomorrow! Perfect ;)
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I've also noticed that I dont seem to look any thinner, even though I apparently am. I hate that so much.
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I made another blog. ED's Cook Book. Its gonna have my recepies and one I like on there, atm its just got soup! XD Look it up and follow if you're interested!
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I may go back down stairs seeing as Skei has fallen asleep (at 20 to 7)... Coz I'm bored.
And I dont like the amount of effort needed to wake him up.
My God its ALOT!
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Hm...
Maybe I'm not old enough for a relationship like this?
BOLLOCKS!
Dont start with that malarkey again Kodi!
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Skei doesn't like the thought of me being skinny like the thinspo picks I post... He thinks ribs are weird. (How dare he!?) He would just have to deal with it if I ever get that thin.
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Well I shall post you all tomorrow a quick update of weight, and maybe I'll measure too? Excite Skei a little when he has to measure my boobs...
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'How Can You Love Me When I Am Ugly?' - LIGHTS - cant remember the song...
x

Dance With Me In The MoonLight Its So Beautifully Intoxicating...

Awaiting the line. Signalling my turn to shine. Shine out in front of plenty of people. Friends and strangers. Here it is...
'In the prison cell with Joseph were two very frightened men'
Stepping out from behind the curtain, we clutched onto each other in false fear... and began to sing. Descending the stage onto the black platforms to join the 11-year-old star. Looking out into the crowd, seeing every one's focus directed on us. Everyone slightly obscured by shadow, whilst I was lit up in dazzling stage lights.
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My solo.
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Everyone was watching me. I was so interesting. It was like a dream. My heart was thumping against my chest, my stomach began to ease from the knot it had previously twisted into. Adrenalin. Now I remember why I love performing.
They laughed at my comic expressions, clapped and cheered as Act 1 came too a close.
One. Last. Line.
'You and your dream coat are ahead of your time..'
I put all my remaining energy into that final line, singing as loud as I possibly could to be noticed again. The lights went down. The hall was over come with applause! Cheering!
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I could not believe that was it. Its all over.
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Yesterday evening was the closing night of the Christmas show. It was brilliant. I weighed myself at 147.4lbs. At least now I don't have to buy diet pills for Christmas. I This whole show experience had reminded me of how much I missed being on stage, singing and acting. I did this on absolutely no food. I did drink some soup the previous day but I don't believe that counts. I haven't eaten since Monday. I don't think the 16 mints count as food. They are simply to sustain my energy whilst I worked in the dark room at Diploma.
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I feel so good.
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I swear I shall not eat until I am lovely! I shall be 10 stone by New Years. (I've lost 3lbs in the past couple of days so as long as I keep my activity up, I'll keep loosing.)
I have faith in myself for once. I believe I can be 10 stone for New Year. Not eating isn't as much of a mission as I thought! I've easily dodged eating chocolate biscuits offered from my teachers, or I've taken them and fed Skei with them. I feel so pleased with myself. I've also convinced my father that I will have soup for Christmas dinner because I am a vegetarian, and I 'only like soup' ;) Hahaha! I don't know why I struggled so hard before to just not eat! I guess I just haven't been busy enough! I love shows, they keep you busy, keep you active. I'm going to try and do more over the 2 weeks holiday. However. I hate winter. With a passion. My toes are always frozen, in turn, making me walk like an utter spazz. But I honestly must go out more. I shall force Skei UP and OUT of my bed and we will have fun outside my house for once. Also, I feel the need for tidying coming on. My room is a state. But I'm also shattered from the lack of sleep and the fact I went to bed at 3 this morning because I was finishing work. I then woke up at 7:10am.
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So I'm likely to clear my bed, take some drugs to knock me out, and wait for pleasant sleep to take over me!
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Oh, and is it normal to feel nothing? Like at all? The only thing I've felt in weeks was the Adrenalin rush from the show. Now I don't know if its possible for me to feel anything anymore.
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Huh, I guess I'll have to ponder that!
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'His little whispers love me' - Meg & Dia - Monster

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
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I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
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I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
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I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
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I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
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I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
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I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
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I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
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I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
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Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
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I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
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'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

Make A Wish...

OMG.
Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
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I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
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Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
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Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
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I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
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Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
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Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
x
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P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD

Result!! [26]

I'm Just Going To Sit Over Here,

Under My Cloud Of Failure,

In A Puddle,

Of Fuck.

Whey heyy! Right the weight loss competition is going well for me so far! More determined to lose :)

Oh the temptation of today... Dean's gorgeous cocolate spread sandwich and jam sandwich. Offering it to me, my mouth watered. Skei jumped in and snatched the sandwiches out of my grasp and reminded me 'You're on a fast!' his cheeky grin I wanted to slap off of his face! He scoffed them down in seconds! I would have savoured them, the way they deserve. This morning a grabbed a packet of crisps from the bag and shoved it, very obviously-trying to make a point to both my mother and gran, in my school bag. Although when I got round to it, I tossed it towards Dan who looked surprised and shrieked 'CRISPS!' Boys are great hoovers. Its why I hang out with them, they dont take took much notice if you're on a diet. They notice if you haven't got food, but not if you give your food to them. My new descovery. I shall daily take some food sorce to school, then throw it at whoever takes my fancy. Well... Not my FANCY, but whoever walks past at the right time.

These days I have little friends. Bambi, yes the one who said she'd be there for me who hasn't been, called me a prick today. Cow. It was because I stole my bestfriend, Manny's calculator. For a laugh. Jesus. He gets her involved as I put it down my top and she started shouting at me that I'm a prick for not giving it back to him. HA! Says her. She shouted at me last week for being depressed! If one of us is the prick, it's definitly her. So I told her, 'Its nothing to do with you so fuck off! And you're a prick yourself!'

Its honestly pathetic how everyone verbally attacks me. Out of the 180 students in our year, the majority of them choose me. Fuck off!

FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!!

AHHHHHHH!!

But hey ho. I've lost more weight :D Which I was singing about today at lunch and Skei looked proud of me, or atleast pleased for me. And good ol' Dan said 'Good on you!'. I feel a little bit loved. So my totaly loss? You ask?

11 Pounds :D
I'm now 149 lbs.
RESULT!

although I have exams all week near enough...
Suckishhh!!

P.S. My arse still doesn't fit in that dress!!
x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

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Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

.

That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

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I feel loved.

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We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

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My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

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Corr.

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I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

How To Day Ended? [21]

Here's today's story.
After my short walk around the near by fields, I got frustrated. Sitting in a tree, gazing at the dreary scenery, I pondered life. Mine? Horrible. A pool of nothingness. Since becoming emotionally numb, I felt like falling, nothing could hurt me. I returned home, spoke to my Gran for a short time, mostly about Skei. Then my Mother awoke. Hair like a pheasant. The norm for when she wakes. I decided I would go for a longer walk. Left, walked down my driveway and in the direction of my school, I walked. When reaching my school, I decided to carry on, that I would walk to Skei's house. Show him my dedication, not just to him. Not just to prove my love to him in one of the slightly more extreme ways. To prove I was ready to change my appearance also. The fact I had not eaten didn't stop me from getting to his house. I walked through the aches and pains and freezing cold wind. An a fact of thinking I was lost many times through out my journey. It was a good few miles. From mine to his, I mean. Arriving at Skei's part of the village, it was around the time they would be having dinner, so I waited. My mother began texting me, where are you?, how did you get there?, and call if you want picking up. I did not want picking up. I wanted to lay myself in the middle of the road. Admire the sky growing ever so impatient for me to get inside. Turning 5:39 I decided to knock on the door. His Grandfather answered. Asking politely as possible I spoke.
"Is Skei in?"
He looked at me as if he had completely forgotten about him. Letting me inside, he asked Skei's Nan, who was busy nattering away on the phone. Right there. Embarrassment. My eyes almost glued to the floor as my hands gingerly hid in their sleeves. Until Skei's Father was brought into the mix. Getting in his car, I thought of two people Skei would likely go to. Whyte or Liam. Wasn't at Liam's and, unfortunately, couldn't find Whyte's.
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Fuck. Me.
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My only thought. Trust my luck to make him impossible to find. Then, Thankfully, Christopher, received a text. Along the lines of, He's on his way home. Good.
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Christopher Told me i could wait in Skei's room, I decided to go with that since we got back before him and I'd rather be alone than sit with everyone. I'm not as social with people's families. So I waited a good 10/15 minutes, glancing at posters with a feeling of disgust rise within me as to what these posters were telling me. A big tick list, including have a threesome, have sex outdoors, and some even more excruciating suggestions trying to kill me. It worked. I died a little more inside, although being numb most the weekend I still felt the hate I have for myself.
Seeing him burst through the door with a slightly concerned look on his face, which looked strangely child-like with his short, bleached blonde hair. The one thing that hit me then was, He's totally oblivious... and he was. He had no clue that today was our 8 month anniversary. I knew I should have felt more pained but all I felt was emptiness.
More broken promises between us. He smoked weed when the previous Wednesday I asked him not to, explaining I wouldn't smoke if he didn't take the drugs that just made him worse. Earlier that day I decided to break a promise, knowing he wouldn't suddenly pop out of thin air right before me. I cut. Numb and No More. I know what i meant by it. It still stings actually, more so than when it was bleeding. Showing him, his expression grew more depressive. he knew this time it was his fault. He did this. He caused this. He knew he had fucked up majorly.
Then I mentioned the lack of chatter in my head. That they were suffocating. And probably, if I get better, I'll permanently lose them. His two alters, who have fallen for two of my alters, reacted badly.
One final time, I have forgiven him.
If he does this to me again.
He'll have to cope on his own.
I pointed out that even though he wasn't there for me when Sparkie died, I was there for him the next day. His childhood friend's two year death anniversary.
There's what generally happened today, In story form. Tomorrow I have an ICT exam, which I am likely to fail.
Around 11 pm ish I am going to be seeing a comedian with my mum, her boyfriend and Skei.
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Wish me luck in my exams all week.
And I must say, I think i burnt a shit load of calories. Two and a half ish hours straight walking, no food, [until earlier... coconut yogurt.] and exercises in the morning plus a small walk.
HOORAHH!
well goodbye, good night and I may blog tomorrow...
Doubtfully. I'm sure you're all happy to hear that.

Night my lovers.
x

*Sigh* [18]

First of all today, I am currently watching America's Nect Top Model. Always makes me more detremined.

Second. I sould stop drinking juice for a while. Because I've had it so much recently I have a pretty bad stomach and probably washed out all the crap inside me by now. So I'll stick to water again.

Third. Just calculated I'm 152 pounds! (VICTORY IS NEAR) I'm so happy I've lost 8 pounds, although I still want to lose more. Also today I've eaten around 400-500 calories. Meh. I'll get stricter. Done my 20 push ups today aswell.

Been carrying on with my wall thinspo and writing more in my diet booklet. I need to decide on what other exercise to do. Any suggestions?

I LOVELOVELOVE having a converter on my phone! So I can specially change my weight from stones to pounds, its increadible. I love it. Its so fun! AHAHA!!

Oh wow... My BMI is 23.8! I swear before I was 26.something! WOO!! Ha! I'm quite happy now.

Although I still want to lose 26 pounds. I hate being Nearly 11 stone. I'm such a perfectonist and so analytical now! Its insane! I swear English has set this off as I've have to analyse everything that passes my reading grip. Shows I can be determined when I want to be. Specially since no one listens or supports me. They can all die in Hell for all I care now. They want me to be fat, obviously. Not gonna happen.

I'm having really bad cravings. For chicken (Though I've been a vegetarian for nearly a year) and Spicy things, yet I cant face eating a vegetarian curry (large portion as my mum always puts on my plate) with white rice. I might ask to change it to the healthier rice, then hav a small bit of curry. Ohhhh lush!

Tomorrow I'm planning a jog. Then on my return to pick flowers to make everyone at home think I'm in a good mood. Paha!

Shall be watching embarrasing bodies XD God some of the stuff on there is actually GROSS with all capital letters.You know, its shocking how many times I've gotten up to pee whilst writing this blog! Thanks to all the water I'm consuming! Freezing cold water too (woo! Burning calories).

I'm also going to try and help out my Gran some more (She's just has a hip replacement so can't do much.) as I helped her once and she gave me a fiver (Result!) and I need some mroe money. It just makes me feel more secure for some reason. Ah, back to my issue about control! Everything I do seems to revolve around my lack of control and finding ways to get some kind of control. God, I'm even self analytical of both my physical appearance and of whats going on inside my head. The underlying issues. I think too much, thats why!

Ahh should get to sleep sometime soon...

Nothing else to say for the moment either

Except

MY STOMACHS STILL GRUMBLING!

baii :)

x

New Set Of Determination [16]

Right, New Determination.

This Month I hope to lose 5 pounds at LEAST!

Since I haven't been to school most the week, I need to start doing more. Its just I'm a lazy bitch and turned down going to the gym this week because I was too depressed. Next week I shall see if Mum wants to go to the gym or not, and in time of Nothing-To-Do I should do sit ups. I haven't done them in a while. Haven't watched t.v in a while either. Also I want to go and pick somemore flowers, make the house smell nice and all that.

I need to stick to my diet again. Shall start that tomorrow and not eat anything else today. Not even hungry at the moment.

I should clean my room... The most I need to do is put some clothes away, some in the washing and put my school books away. And some magazines too.
Theres something I can do tomorrow. Get out all the exercise and diet pages and put them somewhere, like in a folder or on the wall. Or make a huge thinspo on my wall.

Yeahh...

Sounds like fun.
I need to get a bin to put all the random paper thats lying around to recycle. I'll Do that in a second.

Right Thats About All Todayy

Bye All :)
x

Yah 2 Post Day.. [14]

ahhh :/
horror.
totally heartbroken.

Sparkie has gone to sleep now. sweet dreams baby boy. see you in heaven.

right now i'm beginning to stuff my face. had a mars bar. about to have some chips from the chippy van [corrrr] but i know i wont eat anything the next couple of days.
hope.

the next week i'll be either cutting myself, smoking or bashing things.
tomorrow i'm going to comfort Skei. and tell him my little plan [mwahaha.. no not like that..] 'lets starts over, yeah? Then maybe this time we can handle things, together...' that sort of thing.
end of coz if i go into it i'll cry.


so. hopefully gym next week. p.e thursday [kill. me.] maybe a few walks. like yesterday. and the agression i'll be portraying to most might come in handy.

'oh why weren't you here, omg we needed you for citizenship!! blah blah..'
my response?
'well my dog was put down yesterday so back to fuck up or get hit.'
coz i'm such a lovely person.

i'm thinking about starting karate and/or yoga classes... if i can find a friend to go with.

would be interesting.

learn something new, lose weight. all that.

I'm expecting a call now.

bye beauties!

x

The Dreaded Day.. [13]

First, I just wanna say I think she has a GORGEOUS body <3>

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

that's all i have to say. Shit.

yesterday Skei didn't turn up, sending me into breakdown and making me less likely too eat.

at least something good came from it.

then he was on IM and told me he drugged himself up the whole weekend because of the voices and cut himself. fantastic.

3 promises broken in one weekend. fucks sake.

I'm in a better place about it though because of my dream last night. too weird and complicated to explain. maybe some other time. but the thing is, it seems hes allowed to break any promise we have and I'm not allowed to break any. I've broken one. i cut myself.

i did so last night as well. the one on my stomach bled the most. hes a hard core cutter, he cuts enough for them to bleed like fuck. i thought he was stronger tan that. but right now.

all I'm going to ask him, is to not do it again.

it hurt so bad when he told me. sometimes i wish i could break a few promises to show him what its like. how it feels.

but thanks to my dream last night I've realised how much i really do love him. and right now. i need him. even if he did make my third alter. write about him later too.

good thing is, I've only eaten a bowel of cereal and 2 custard creams. and I'm not about to eat any time soon. now i have a reason. I'd rather get shoved into a mental health centre than lose my dog but since its happening, probably should take advantage of it. :[ life sucks when you're me.

and my waist to hip ratio is really bad. its like 0.85 or 8.5 what ever the measuring thing is.

FUCK

i hardly ever get anything my way anymore.

got out of school though. for today. and i figure drinking lots of juice cleans out your colon? I'll google it later.

tonight i may hurt myself some more. I've broke out in a rage and punched myself for being so useless.

i must say, Skei seems to forget i have voices too. he has a way to block them out, i don't.

difficult relationship i have. but I've found ways to make my feel and re-realise how much i love him. aha secret ;]

well that's about all on this front... I'll post on my day-to-day blog about Sparkie and if Skei calls me like i asked...

Have a good day

x