Photo Progress 1

Weight: 169.8lbs (FML)
Underbust (right by the underwire of bra) : 35"
Fat roll under under bust (or ribs, whichever) : 36.5"
'waist' : 35.75"
'hips' : 40.25"
weird hip/bum/thigh thing : 39.5"
fattest part of one thigh : 23.75"

Depending on how well I do I'll either update this weekly or monthly. So weekly would be every Wednesday night. Monthly would be every 4 weeks on a Wednesday.

Wish me luck, or I may become suicidal if I don't do this.

I can do this.
I want to lose weight.
I'm 100% committed to this.
I want to feel better about myself, have more confidence and finally feel 'pretty'. I also don't want the fatty-boom-boom health issues.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I want to lose weight.

Cake For Breakfast Anyone?

120 crunches.
close to a slice of chocolate cake.
close to a slice of cheese cake.
4 teaspoons full of potato salad.
5 mini doughnuts.
3 cream and jam rolls.
2 shortbread biscuits.
2 laxatives.

My breakfast.
After that I became determined to become a proper Breatharian. I spent the rest of my morning reading through the research I printed yesterday. I seem to connect well with religious and spiritual reasons for fasting. It's weird.
Although Breatharians don't consume anything (even liquids or water) I'm going to allow myself water. And alcohol at parties. *laugh* I may go out on the treadmil if Manny doesn't give me a text... We're supposed to go see The Hangover Part 2 today but he didn't text or show up yesterday, he might just forget again. -.-'
I need a fag.

I tried on some of my dresses that are in my cupboard last night...
Disaster.
One I could easily pull on. A bit tight around the boobs but most of my dresses are. Dress number 2, couldn't zip up what so ever. Number 3 I had to hook the top bit first before having to turn it around and zip it up. Didn't completely zip up. Number 4 and 5, the seems cracked a bit as I pulled them over my boobs. Wasn't really expecting that.
I may go downstairs and do some cleaning with my extra ankle weights and my electric muscle contractor thing on my waist. I'm keeping focus on my waist as it's, well, massive. Last time I measured it, it was 34 inches. Not. Fucking. Good.

I miss being 147lbs. Gaining this weight has made me realise how slim I looked at 147 even though I thought I was big and saw no difference. I now see it. And wish I had it back.
FML!

Well I'm off to see what I can do down stairs. Then I'll clean my room.

Tarrahh
I love you all :)
Viele Liebe Kodiee
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's not going well...

I can't seem to stick to any diet or fasting ritual I've ever done before. Fuck my life.
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.

I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.

I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.

Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.

My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.

I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.

This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I'm unreliable.
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!

Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Kodii
x

It's Not My Fault, Honest!

Thinking about watching '90210' seeing as they're all skinny fuckers on that show.

Okay first off, sorry for the delay. I was going to post about a week or so ago but my computer had a spazz. Then I had 4 exams last week, a leavers day party to go to, a guy to meet and an exam yesterday.
The 4 exams last week, eh okay I suppose.
Leavers Day. Skei KISSED ME and admitted he's still in love with me, just fucking up my mind EVEN MORE.
The leavers Day party... got a new smoking buddy, drank a lot, puked. Managed to sleep 12 straight hours after crying my still partially drunken self to sleep.
The guy. Stood me up. He has no chance now. Fuck him I don't deserve to be stood up with out even a text.
My exam yesterday was... okay. Had the last of my bacci yesterday (note to self: GET MOREEE) and shared around a straight fag with Manny, Tedd and Taffy.
.
I feel fat and have binged like a mother bitch today. I had a whole fucking tart. 3 bowels of rice and curry sauce. A bowel of bran flakes. And this is one of the times I wished I could purge.

I'm fasting from tomorrow onwards. I did fast walk/jog for about 20-30 minutes yesterday. Tomorrow I'm ceremonially burning my old school stuff (I AM PFFICIALLY ON STUDY LEAVE!!!!!!! YESSSS!!) With Tedd, Manny and Taffy so I'm unlikely to eat and hopefully I can pinch a few fags from them.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I'm shattered. I dont know why. And bollocks, I was going to have a shower an hour ago but lost track of time. Shit.
This is a crappy post.
Apologies.
But I NEEEEEEEED to shower. I might post tomorrow if I get a spare moment, if not then Friday after my Science exam.

Tarrahh!!

much love from the FATTY MCFAT KODIIIIII
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Confession Before A Final Perminent Turn, Hopefully For The Better...

Hey All.
Okay, the main reason I haven't been posting is that, well, I'm having a pretty shitty time in the life of Kodi.
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Gained like a mother bitch.
155lbs.
Yes. Over 11 stone. I feel absolutely disgusting. Fatty McFatterson.
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Yesterday I had the worst knock to my confidence I could ever imagine. Me and my mum went to look at this Prom dress shop she saw in BH. I picked 3 dresses to try on (around about size 10, I knew they wouldn't fit because I can never fit into a size 10 dress around my huge tits)...
After finding out, yep, they didn't fit, The shop assistant asked my mum if I was a size 14. A size 14. I could have cried right there in that shop. I refused to cry there though. I held it in. All the way home, even when I was getting dressed into gym gear, even most of the time I was pushing myself (harder than normal) on the treadmill... then the smallest thing pissed me off, sending me over the edge. I burst into tears on the floor next to the treadmill whist it was still going. I think I cried for a good half an hour at least. I did 0.9 miles. I got back on after my cry. I couldn't handle doing anymore so went back inside the house... where I stuffed my face with mostly bread and butter.
At this current moment in time I cannot control my binges. Although, thanks to my Green Tea habit, it doesn't seem to stay in my stomach for long.
I've been trying to get the least bit on track but It all goes arses up as soon as I get home from school. The Porridge calls to me...
.
Tomorrow I am finally starting the Ballerina diet. Minus most of the exercise.
I shall have half a grape fruit for breakfast, and apple at school, a low fat yogurt after school and a large cup of home made soup for dinner. I have to do this. I have to loose this weight for prom. Just in general I need to loose this weight before I decide I'm not gonna try anymore and do something stupid. I'm going to aim for 2 miles on P.E days, 0.5 miles on non-P.E days and as long as possible on weekends.
.
I hate being this way. I hate feeling the fat wobble as I walk.
I hate everything about me right now.
I could barley face you guys. I'm honestly scared that once you read this you'll leave me because I'm such an embarrassment to have displayed on your 'Blogs I''m Following' list.
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I hope I can do this. Otherwise I'm going to prom in a suit.
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Hopefully I'll post again this weekend.
I'm at my mum's boyfriend's house then because I'm going shopping on Saturday. More books you see. I've been reading a lot. I think I've done through about 3 books in a months or so? So I'm getting myself some more. And I'm looking into ordering diet pills online.
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I wont be catching up on blogs until half term. Its easier that way because I never have free weekends anymore.
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I love you all.
Please don't leave me? :(
x

Just Breate, It's Only For A Little While, You Can Survive..

Okay, Now it's pissing it down.
.
Like all day. I was soaked and cold, I hate being both. I hate being cold. Being soaked isn't too bad when its summer and warm.
Um, moving on...
.
Do you think I could get that massage now? I could bloody well do with one! Achy bones, achy muscles. Had a shower, as usual jumped on the scales with enthusiasm (yeah fucking right) saw 144.4...
Epic.
.
5.6lbs in 4 days. I'm really focused now, just because once again I am close to being allowed to go to Paris. PARIS! But I have other things to worry about. Like my school work I still haven't done, getting my prom dress sorted and other pointless things I have to do.
.
Recently our heatings been up the arse crack (as I have probably complained about), turns out what it was doing was poisoning us, hence why my Gran was coughing so much and had to go to hospital twice. This coal ish soot is everywhere, but such a thin layer you cant tell. So my Gran's been cleaning today. I did a small bit in the kitchen. I cleaned a couple of sides, the windows and sorted out the dish washer (seeing as we literally have no cutlery to use..). It was horrible. One wipe, SHAZAM, the cleaning cloth was black. I got bored and organised some sweets. I sorted out my Gran's tin of Quality Street into colour and type and put the candy canes in a pot alternating colours. I thought it was cute. I had half a candy cane. It reminded me I dont really like candy canes. I just think they're pretty which makes me wanna eat them... damn colourings!!
My stomach is literally speaking to me. Its growing so loudly! I mean Jesus...
2 1/2 coffees. (9x2.5)
Half a candy cane.
45 minutes of circuits in P.E.
.
Thats probably why my stomach is having its own little spazm. I drank all my water for once. I think I was trying to shut it up haha, didn't work.
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I'm honestly worried about Prom. For one, Skei is going in a kilt... I'm going to try and convince him to wear actual trousers on underneath so he looks half normal. Second, I need to talk to my mum about going over to Rhii's to get ready for prom and go with her, Jan, Lii and K in a posh car... Lastly, and the whole big fucking deal... I dont have a dress. I cant find anything I like. I've drawn what I want. Now I just need to find someone who'll make it and reasonably cheap. Or I might just cry if I cant go wearing a mildly Japanese styled prom dress. I wanna be different, and this dress would basically make it a given that I'd be the only one there dressed like that. Argh. Another thing I'm gonna have to save money for.
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On the up side... I've been invited to Ted's 16th house party. WOO! I'm going to convince Skei to get weed (Which will be a rare thing only because this time I dont really wanna drink.. calories and the number of people there) and I'm hoping there wont be any food there... If there is I'll be busy and let it all run out. Although... Its over night.. and I dont know where my Mum put the Pro-Plus caffeine pills. Yeah I'll be taking them. I'd rather not fall asleep there... The party is near the end of my fast and would be a brilliant way to end it if I dont fuck up. I wanna get properly high this time, not just a bit giggly and starved.
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Things are going okay for January... I'm knackered but I'll catch up on Saturday. OH! I'm seeing Russell Howard Next week! AHHH! Sorry, uber excited! I'm taking Manny and Skei coz my um got them tickets. Again, I love my mum even though she's a bit dim.
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I also learnt how to roll a few days ago. I'm not too shabby for a beginner! Heehee the rollies are in my little 'secret' tin along with condoms and lighters. Heh heh.
.
Um there wasn't much point to this post, just a lot of random jabbering about whats going on. I've been meaning to tell you guys this shit XD
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I'm off to go draw ^-^
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"Sometimes You Hate The Face You See In The Mirror" - KJ 52 - Daddy's Girl

Let Me Dissapear In A Puff Of Smoke, Let Me Die Of Fattness

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY!
.
I lost weight after Christmas.
Then I gain 2lbs OVER NIGHT!
Thats it. I'm fasting and exercising to within an inch of my life!!
.
Weight: 146.8 (when I first weighed myself it said '146.6' so I got fatter in about 5 minutes.)
Waist(at belly button): 35
Waist(smallest part): 31
HipBones: 37
Hips/Arse: 37.75
ForeArm: 8
UpperArm: 10.5
Elbow: 9.5
Wrist: 6
Thigh: 19 (MY LEGS GOT FATTER!!)
Knee: 13.5
Calf: 13.5
Ankle: 9
.
FML.
I'm off to exercise.
And not eat.
I'm never eating again.

Let Me Melt Away Into The Pretty Girl I Know I Can Be..

I dont feel like I'm here...
I have no idea what it is... I just dont feel with it.
.
I'm scared to step on the scale... I ate 2 bowels of Bran flakes at midnight, One I spilt everywhere (serves me right). It lead me to work out a lot this morning. But I still feel fat. I feel like I've destroyed my chance of getting to 140 in a few days. I know I might be over reacting, it was 2 bowels of cereal. But I just dont know what to expect from my body! It never works the way it should.
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I'm getting cutting withdrawal. I need to cut myself, I dont know why I just have to! But theres nothing I can use... knifes are useless. So are scissors. I want to bury myself under my duvet and be alone forever. I dont know what I'll do if I've gained. I was so proud of myself, nearly passed my lowest weight. Now it could all be completely ruined.
.
I've measured myself briefly. I may be lighter, but I'm certainly not thinner. Nothing has changed. In a moment, I promise I will measure properly. I... will.. weigh myself. I have to know if I've ruined my dream. I may exercise some more... I'll see if I'm in the mood.
(shit I left my soup on the stove...)
.
I'll post again later.
*crosses fingers*
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'It Feels Like I'm Going Crazy'

It Takes So Much More Than Just Wishing To Make Dreams Come To Life..

My Body is being queer.
It decided to loose weight..
Not that I'm complaining! Its just... WTF!
.
144.6lbs and hopefully counting DOWN.
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I sooo want that trip to Paris! I've never been to Paris before! I'm not even 5lbs away from being allowed to go! AHH!!!
.
I spoke to my Mum about a weekend trip to Paris a little while ago and she even said I could take a friend! :o
I love my Mum sometimes.
I'm back to fasting for the remainder of the holiday. Oh. A week! But hopefully I'll be at 140lbs by New Years Eve (As I have said many times!) or I might just have to start cutting the fat off piece by piece. I don't know what I would do in Paris! I know the Eiffel Tower is a definite. Climbing to the top, a mission, but I will do it. Any one know of where to go and what to do? I'm going shopping for sure! Ahh! Shopping in Paris! My life might just be mildly complete right there. Nah, kidding. I have higher aspirations than just that, but at least I can cross something off my to do list.
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I've also developed a strange passion for Ke$ha and her shit lyrics. I say shit because they have no depth to them, probably why I like them right now!
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I'll be spending the day in my room. Writing one of my books.. Maybe dancing like a mad woman (because, that's what I do when I'm alone and bored..)
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I hope you're Christmas' were bearable!
I know mine left me wanting to smack my head against hard objects...
.
But Yes, I love you.
I haven't said that in a while! XD
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'Our Bodies Going Numb' - Ke$ha - We R Who We R

If I Curl Up Small Enough, They'll Never Remember I'm Here..

What a drastic change from nearly loving Christmas.
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I hate Christmas with a passion. I am so glad this is my last Christmas with my family. I hate it.
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Christmas is a pointless holiday. Its where you open shitty presents from people you barley know, eat until you cant move, gain like a bitch and get drunk enough to fall off the sofa.
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This year, I've ended up sitting by my bed, posting angrily, with some form of Dance music blaring from my new Ipod doc. So many things haven't gone right today. And before you ask. Yes. I am going to tell you.
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Shit #1. My mum bought the wrong £50 high tops. I mean that doesn't annoy me, if anything I feel sorry because my mum spent loads on shoes I dont even want.
Shit #2. On MY home made place mat, someone had spilt curry on it. For fucks sake! It was only mine! No one gives a shit, obviously!
Shit #3. I scoffed so many waffle-ish biscuits and Belgian chocolates that I'm seriously considering taking MORE laxatives.
Shit #4. I've been to the bath room about 20 times today thanks to my laxative abuse last night.
Shit #5. My Grandfather is an arse hole. All he does is moan, hold everything up and then tell everyone how to play Poker WRONG!
Shit #6. I've had more alcohol than I originally had planned. Only a glass or two more, but I am SO gonna work hard to get this FAT OFF ME!
Shit #7. I'm fat.
Shit #8. I punched a wall. Twice.
Shit #9. I want to die. Just because Christmas is so utterly pointless and supposed to be full of jolly people, but mine always contains my utterly cunt-ish family.
Shit #10. I havent heard from Skei in about 3 days. To be fair, it is Christmas and he is at his Mum's house. But Still, its Skei. He always finds a reason to talk to me.
.
Now. I'm going to get changed into my PJs again.
Find some water.
And take about 4 laxatives.
And Dance. Until I cant feel my legs.
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'ice cream ice cream we all want ice cream!!' - Pink - Cuz I Can

Let My Paridise Sparkle In Perfect Cleanliness..

I'm feeling terribly exausted.
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It was too cold to get a decent night's sleep, so I was up at 9. Its so wrong to be up at 9. But I've spent the majority of this morning trying to warm up and sort out my things. Excluding my head. That is far from being fixed.
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I have decided to have a monster clean up because my room is FOUL. I may even to the extent of stripping the bed sheets. I found a stain on them that I don't remember making... that is how manky my room currently is.
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Yes. I'm definitely changing the bed sheets. And sweeping the hall outside my room. And organising all my DVDs and CDs that haven't been living in their cases for a good few months. And probably my writing, school work and drawings. Just anything that NEEDS organising. I love this mood really. I get stuff done.
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My room is freezing. The damned heater is shit and our central heating thingy is going to run out of gas soon so then we'll be buggered. I'm thinking about talking to my Gran about getting the rest of the electric heaters out to keep us from dying of the cold over night.
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Oh, might as well put something ED related in here. I haven't eaten for 1 1/2 days. I am going to make it until Christmas day. Unfortunately I am having a 'nut roast' (whatever that is) instead of soup when I spend Christmas day with my Dad. Urgh. But Boxing Day I will have soup. Nothing else. Then back to fasting. I will keep up my exercises everyday or I believe I will get insanely fat. I already am, but I mean worse than... this.
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Right, there was my ramble about cold weather, cleaning and feeling fat.
Whoopey! Cleaning!
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'We're hopelessly blissful and blind, to all we are' - Sum 41 - All To Blame

Bring Me Down, Throw Me Out. I Deserve To Burn...

I'm not even going to tell you what I did.
All you need to know is.
I'm 149.4 again.
.
I wish I could die right now. Or swallow a load of diet pills. I asked Skei to get me some but the Boots we were in was so feckin' small that they didnt have any. FML.
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For the next however long until New Year I will not eat anything. At all. Only water, flavoured water and green tea. And an exercise regemine I MUST do everyday. I will only allow myself soup on Christmas and Boxing Day because I am with the family and they would be suspicious if I refused to eat anything. Hopefully with this extreame diet, I will lose weight even more quickly then I did last week. I so hate myself for giving in. Fuck me.
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(If you want to know my exercise (minimum) for each day here it is..)
10 crunches
10 push ups
30 star jumps
20-40 knee lifts
20 toe touches
Plus the exercise program I've got recorded on my Sky+ downstairs, and any other little exercises I feel like I need to do. Probably more cardio will be put in there but this is only a minimum to help shift this God Damned FAT!!
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I hate Christmas.
I hate Winter.
I hate me.
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'Why'd you have to go and turn to ice' - LIGHTS - Ice

Crystal Flakes Of Glass Are Falling, Floating, Melting.

The snow is for looking at, not playing in.
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I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I hate it because it melts on my feet, soaking my socks and freezing my toes off. Also, its just cold. I love it because it gives me reason to wrap up and wear huge jumpers, and it looks beautiful.
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Theres so much snow, its insane. It began to melt around midday though, so it might be gone by tomorrow. I'm hoping to get out of the house. Theres nothing to do when Skei is here. I can think of lots of stuff to entertain me when I'm alone, but with Skei... fuck we have nothing to do and he wants my attention. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ATTENTION WITH OUT MOANING. Really, our relationship revolves around looking pretty together, sleeping and watching Naruto. Thats it in a nutshell. Slightly deeper? He's madly in love with me and I have no idea if I still love him because he's (dare I say it) so needy. Apparently I come off as needy and clingy? OMG I DONT SEE THAT?! I need to sort myself out.
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On the plus side. I'm 145.4lbs! Freshly weighed this morning before my shower! Success!! Only 5 and a bit more pounds to lose in... 13 days! I CAN SO DO THAT! I've calculated (In my many bored moments) that I have lost at least a pound a day!! Still haven't technically eaten. Made more soup, had half of if for lunch, the rest for tomorrow. I also had a lot of chocolate milk shake today which kept me full and also tropical juice. Nom! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to burn off some boredom energy and force Skei out of bed and go for a walk. If he doesn't get up then I'm going to do a work out video! I do love sky! (Fitness TV anyone?)
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I've been cooking most the day, I helped my Gran make 2 other soups for everyone else and I did a quick sweep of the living room. OMG! I could do some cleaning tomorrow! Perfect ;)
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I've also noticed that I dont seem to look any thinner, even though I apparently am. I hate that so much.
.
I made another blog. ED's Cook Book. Its gonna have my recepies and one I like on there, atm its just got soup! XD Look it up and follow if you're interested!
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I may go back down stairs seeing as Skei has fallen asleep (at 20 to 7)... Coz I'm bored.
And I dont like the amount of effort needed to wake him up.
My God its ALOT!
.
Hm...
Maybe I'm not old enough for a relationship like this?
BOLLOCKS!
Dont start with that malarkey again Kodi!
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Skei doesn't like the thought of me being skinny like the thinspo picks I post... He thinks ribs are weird. (How dare he!?) He would just have to deal with it if I ever get that thin.
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Well I shall post you all tomorrow a quick update of weight, and maybe I'll measure too? Excite Skei a little when he has to measure my boobs...
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'How Can You Love Me When I Am Ugly?' - LIGHTS - cant remember the song...
x

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
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I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
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I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
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I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
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I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
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I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
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I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
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Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
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I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
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'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
.
I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
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I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
.
Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
.
I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.
x

4 Days To Go.

Okay, I'm going to say something thats really fucking confusing me.
(also, why have I lost 2 followers? :[ )
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But before that, the situation with B? Yeah well I pulled him. Thats what happened, I know, dull but I didn't want Skei to find out. I doubt he'll find out soon seeing as he never comes on Blogger.
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Right, remember Skei's cousin was texting me (I re-named him Chavvy-Mc-C in my head for a while..)
He is, well basically, in love with me.
Yeah, Okay, HOW THE FUCKK?? Why do I make people love me? He called me the other day because I was trying to convince him that I would eventually fuck him up, he thought I didnt like him at all. I do, really I do, which I hate so much. And we had a really nice conversation. My mum was out so I didn't have to worry about being loud, and we made each other laugh, and the weirdest thing is...
He's just like Skei.
He's tried to kill himself, Cut himself in the past, Blonde hair (Skei is more mousy brown now), blue eyes (Skei's are blue, brown and green), 6'1(Skei's 6'), muscly (Skei has a faint 8 pack), and finally the weirdest of them all...
They sound insanely similar.
I nearly told C when we were on the phone together that he sounded like Skei, decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend coz he's getting paid then, and I'm busy this weekend anyway.
But Shit.
Now I'm probably gonna have to choose between them. (fuckshitarsemonkeymerdeficktwatt) I've never felt so loved, in a bad fucking way.
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Skei will be telling me sometime today if he's allowed over on Sunday, I'll probably jump on him... Speaking of... I impulsively kissed him the other day. Oh my days, the way he just sorta stared into space for about 5 minutes after was like, 'dude? wtf?' but when he snapped out of it he gave me that smile that melts my face every time! Damn him!
Later he said, 'no more surprise kisses!'
'Why?'
'Because'
'Because Why!?'
Took a while to get it out of him but he said,
'It's distracting!'
I'm distracting? Wow! I'm distracting, Huh.
(Ohhhh Shiiiit I've just been given a HUGE amount of chocolate, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to EAT THEM ALL FUCKFUCKFUCK!)
But I have issues XD I have to choose between someone who I (at the moment) keep falling in love with again and again (Skei) or fresh meat who's seemingly hot and incredibly nice (C)...
Shit.
I love you.
x

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
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Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Ergh.
Seriously Sick.
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We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
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Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
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I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
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But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
SHE HAD SOUP FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!
HAHAHA
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
.
147
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
WHOOPDEY DOO!
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
OH.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
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Life.
Sucks.
ARSE.
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It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
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And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
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I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
DAMN IT!
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G'Bye.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...
x

Laxative, Anyone?

Right.
Yes, I have laxatives. My mum knows.
Yes, my mum knows!
Coz I was having so much discomfort from not being able to go...
Seriously, it feels so good! I feel... I dunno, like I'm cleansing my body!
Obviously not, but hey, whatever.
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the picture (just thought I'd tell you) reminds me of my Anorexic friend... not the style or face, just how fragile her body looks.
I wanna look like that, DAMN IT.
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I think I'm still at 147/146
Hopefully... I'll lose some this weekend? Next week?
Omg. Speaking of...
I'm 16 in les than 2 weeks.
Fuuuuuuuuuckk
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I'm about to eat Celery and low fat humous!! Woo!
It's actually quite nice, so was the low fat potatoe salad :)
but I ate that yesterday.
Need to get more, really...
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Theres a bonfire in a near by town tomorrow.
I was going to drink, but now decided just to keep Manny out of trouble...
Seeing as last year he doesn't remember a thing. And he did some baad stuff...
Well. Kinda.
So it'll be a night of running around, watching fireworks and a big bonfire... Not eating... Hopefully.
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Achh lifes so difficult, ain't it?
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Urgh.
Ate too much -.-
Damn cereal.
x

Gahh :/

Ah, Man Guys!
I'm sorry I haven't posted in like a week?! I've been swamped with Course Work and Exercising with my Gran XD
(Lotsa areobics TV and Stupid questions to answer)
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Right. I was stupid at one point and gained back up to 149. I lost 2 or 3 again, so I'm around 147/146 again. (woop?) And I'm doing well, I do go over my calorie limit but I guess I burn it off and for dinner recently, I've stuck to home made veggie soup (which I dont count as calories coz I'm on the SGD and its a liquid) I've gone off my morning coffee for some reason... but hey, a couple less calories.
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Oh aaaaand I've been feeling FAINT-ISH AGAIN! YEY!
I loooove that feeling, I've missed it soo much!
AND I lost half an inch off my thighs! :o like wow, and my calfs look thinner but they're still 14 inches but hey.
Oh and after the HUGE ammount of exercise I did this week, my arms KILL. So hopefully I'll have sexy skinny arms :3
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I'm going on a school trip in December! I'm going to GERMANY!! :D I've never been to Germany before! :D Its only for 2 days for the Christmas market in Colone (cant spell for shit :3) But should be amazing, I'm hopefully gonna share a room with Anneli, and Manny and Skei will hopefully be able to go so WOOP! Although... Kitty will be going -.- (Thank God the HM wont be going! I dont think...)
So I'll talk about that a bit, and hopefully beable to blog on my phone... Keep you updated. And we only get breakfast on the second day but dont get dinner or lunch either day so I'll be skipping out. I'll take a bag of apples over for my snacks XD
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I had the urge to try and purge (pardon the rhyme) today. Just coz I was in a horrible mood coz my form tutor (lets call him Mr. Nazi...) told me to stop singing. But I went to the bathroom, but people were in there, so I waited a bit until they left, one didn't and turned out someone was crying, so I gave up on that thought and scoffed some chocolates and cereal when I got home. I haven't done any exercise except my P.E lesson and should currently be doing Diploma work -.- fuck that I'll do it later.
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Oh and its reached the time of COLLEGE x.x I'm sooo fucked. I now have no idea where I wont to go :/ I'm just gonna apply to loads and decide out of the ones that accept me. Ahhhh :/
Oh well... I'll go to loads of open days too XD haha just turn up and look at loads of places then decide on one. They all seem good, I guess I'll have to come up with a nickname for the one I finally decide on.. XD Rambling, sorry.
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Over all I've been very busy and you're lucky I've posted today XD
I'm still fat. But I WILL BE FUCKING SKINNY GOD DAMMIT!!!
I'm starting to hate coming up with lists...
some changes you've noticed physically (yes ED related today)
1I have a waist now
2Tiny wrists
3Quite skinny shoulders and arms (still flabby though)
4more abdominem muscle
5my face has thinned out
6when I lay down I can feel my ribs and hips
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oh one last thing, I'm re-reading LoveSick. I'm in need of triggering/thinsperation... whichever :/
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Cheerio (not the food you numpty!)
x

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
ONE YEAR ANAVERSARY!
With Skei btw XD
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Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
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Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
Correction.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
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I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
I mean OMG! I GOT FULL MARKS AND CLOSE TO FULL MARKS??
NO WAYYYYY!!!
:D
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
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the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
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Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
G'bye!
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)
x