Let This New Year Be What I Need To Change For The Better, Let Us Succed.

Ladies, put on your heels. Gentle Men, grab your smart shirts. Every one, pick up your bottles of vodka.

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Its time to take on the new year.

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I'm in a far better mood today because its time for a fresh start. It also helps that Skei called this morning after I called his house yesterday afternoon. And that the scales have decided to take pity on me, this last day of 2010 by telling my I'm 145.2.

Score!

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My cuts stung in the shower this morning but heyo, 2011 is gonna be the year we all need!

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Along with this post come my New Year Resolutions.

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-Get down to 9 stone (126 lbs)

-(If I'm not happy or careless) Act happy and careless

-Exercise more often (5 days a week is good)

-Do well in my GCSEs and get into College

-Look fabulous all the time! XD

-Make more friends

-Go out more

-Help suicidal/depressed young people :)

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What are your resolutions this year??

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Right well I might start getting ready for this party I'm going to! I have a lot of primping needed. I hope you all have a FANTASTICAL New Year! I wish you all the best in 2011. I do indeed love you all dearly, and love you more if you're a frequent commenter ;)

haha

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I hope you all get drunk and stupid tonight!

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I will be ;D

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'I Can Die From The Dancing' - 3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
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I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
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I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
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I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
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I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
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I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
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I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
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I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
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I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
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Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
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I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
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'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
ONE YEAR ANAVERSARY!
With Skei btw XD
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Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
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Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
Correction.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
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I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
I mean OMG! I GOT FULL MARKS AND CLOSE TO FULL MARKS??
NO WAYYYYY!!!
:D
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
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the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
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Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
G'bye!
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)
x

No Titlee [still no idea what number XD]

Ahh.
My ickle plan is working! (The food plan type thingg) Cozz I am at 146.5 XD and it seems pretty stable, seeing as my weight has been fluctuating. So YEY!
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Oh Yeah I have been planning on following some of MY FOLLOWERS (its so awesome to say that XD) blogs but I've been busy so haven't had the chance. I haven't even caught up on my favourite blogs yet! o.o (I have about 2 or 3 so shouldn't take too long) And then I'll move on to my followers (Fat ballerina, Peri and maybe a few others, they just comment the most ;) )
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And on to my life news.
Skei is going away for a week (Oh yeah Its finally the holidays XD) so I'll have to entertain myself and find some 'friends' to hang out with.
I am seeing a good friend of mine (KT) on Monday and shes staying over, I havent seen her in ages XD WOO I'm reasonably excited :)
I'm seeing Li on Wednesday before she leaves to go off the Spain.
I am making Manny a present for his 16th birthday and throwing him a party at the end of summer (his birthday is like the first day back at school)
I've got alot of course work to do *booo* and I got my timetable for next year, everythings basically the same except instead if ICT i have and extra Science lesson *hiss* so now instead of 5 science lessons I have SIX?? ARGH.
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Yeah theres my update of my life XD
Well except one thing... But I'm not sure weather I wanna say it... But I am gonna say thisss... I broke the law in some way! :D (@.@) But yes. I'm not going to tell you what it is XD
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And I must be off and finish cleaning my room and read blogs!
Au Reviour <3
x

I have no idea what number this is... [?]

HELLOO
Christ I swear I'm beginning to get a phobia of the internet...
Actually I've been scared of talking to people on here and PT, I've been convinced that you'd judge me altough I know you wont!
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Anyway.
HEY I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE MENTAL PLACE... on Tuesday... So yes. Took them long enough, My doctor agreed that I'd need some kind of anti depressant pills! I KNEW THIS WHY'D NO ONE LISTEN. Fucking.. Fucking.. FUCKS.
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Oh yeah, to Peri and Fat Ballerina, Fannkss :) and Actuallyy... I've never seen that film.. I was ill and my brain was spazzed XD
but I swear I am BACKK!!
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*sighh* Yeah I felt the need to tell you all that I'm not dead. Yet. And I think the only way I'm going to keep my appetite under control is to only eat one bowel of cereal then nothing but fruit and veg. And I am still waiting for my pedometer to arrive. But until it does I'm gonna have a go at going for a walk everyday considering I'm so lazy and walking is about as much effort I cant currently put in when I'm alone.
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I swear I keep getting more followers!
Its pretty awesome!
I love you guys :3
x

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

Christ.
I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
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I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
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Right heres the story.
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Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
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But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
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Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
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Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
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I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
Anyway!
I love you :)
x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

30/5/10 Update [33]

Yess its that dreaded day.

I have done slightly well though I must admit.

.

right so my HW was 160 lbs

whereas now I'm at a CW of 148lbs!

Thats nearly a whole stone!! Just 2 more lbs to go then I'm a stone lighter! Only 3 lbs to go to get to my next target weight! WHOOPEY!

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And now for the measurements

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Waist 30 [lost an inch]

Hips 36 [stayed the same-.-]

UnderBust 33 [lost an inch]

Bust 37 [lost an inch]

Upperarm 11 [lost 1/2 inch]

Forearm 8 [lost 1/2 inch]

Wrist 6.5 [lost an inch]

Thigh 19 [lost 1/2 inch]

Calf 13.5 [stayed the same]

Ankle 9 [same]

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and I cba to do my neck.

And by the way... I didn't know you could lost inches off your wrists!! I thought they were going to stay the same the whole time!

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Weeeiiiiiiird.

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ABC diets working for me then ;)

Although next week is going to be a struggle...

I wont be posting next week coz it'll become obvious.

Unless I post in the room I'm staying in at night... Even is Skei sees it I dont care. He knows and he knows that if he tells anyone... Well... Lets just say I've had enough of him, yeah?

Today I'm on 300 calories... and I have friends Coming over. Balls.

.

Well

Thats all I wanted to say XD

Stay Strong Girls and Guys! :D

Until... Some Time Next week or maybe tomorrow morning... XD

x

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P.S My BMI is now 23.2

and my Waist-to-hip ratio is 0.83 :S I'm at 'moderate Risk'

Fuck

x

FML [31]

I hate birthdays.

My Garanddad's birthday today. 66 years old. HUGE chocolate cake. Had 2 pieces. Some healthier chinese food, a donette and a cookie. Bad, bad girl. At least tomorrow I'm only eating 100 cals tomorrow, I love the ABC diet. I'm not going into school either. CBA!! I wouldnt be doing anything interesting anyway. Stuck in Learning Support Unit all day sorting out work. Honestly, I can do that at home. This way I have all day to try to burn off the calories consumed today (somewhere in the 2,000 section >.<). I am honestly going to try really hard tomorrow, Saturday (even though I''m stuck in the capital for the day) and some of Sunday. I'll have to weigh and all that after mon lobly friends leave. Man, Li and Skei. Me and Li are going to put make up on man and Skei and do their hair and me and Li are going to be all man-ish! XD hahahahahahahaaa!!

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I'm so weird.

We're going to watch 'Camp Blood' as well and take the piss at how craply made it is. Probably watch some of Scary movie aswell. I have like 5 scary movie films. They're good.

Anyway.

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Like todays Thinspo? I dooo! Emma Watson. She is honestly, in my opinion, beautiful. She looks amazing in anything. From glitzy dresses and heels to jeans and trainers. Her face is elegant. Curves in the perfect places and the perfect amount of bustiness and hips. Jelous.

I'm staring an actual Thinspo journal. Filled with exercises. Well. So far.

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Oh God. I still have to pack for next week. Skei is stuck sleeping with me for about 5 nights. And spending nearly everyday with me. He's gonna be so pleased. No seriously, He loves the idea! I just dont like the thought of showering at my mum's boyfriend's flat. Just weirds me out a little.

.

I've nearly got back to 149. One pound off. I can get rid of that by Sunday... right? Or more?

God.

Okay.

I'm actually knackered!

I'll leave you all at this.

Before I die on my laptop.

x

AhhYouFuggin'FattyFood [29]

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
The weather is niiiiiiiiice. Although a bit hot for my liking. Heat rash and all. But my forearms are already reasonably tanned. Legs? Pale as ever. Stomach? Not allowed out from under the safety of my tops.

Gym currently equals difficulty. Dont go that often, meaning I frazzle out quickly. Except today I've progressed. Managed 15 minutes on the tredmill building up speed, getting close to 7mph. Woo! Except I'm a fuck up in maths. Got a D on my mock test. Shit. Oh well. Fuck me, aye?

I'm obsessed with the first two seasons of Skins. It was better than the new ones. They actually explored issues and not go over board on sex and drugs. And I LOVE Cassie. I can relate to her the most out of the girls, for obvious reasons, and I think she's gorgeous. I wish I looked like her... Or Effy. Shes gorgeous too! I'm totally getting thinspo of those two!

Started ABC tooday. Doing well, so far consumed around 200 calories and going to have a 300 calorie omlette later. It might be less calories because I dont think I could consume a 3 egg spanish omlette... Might be too big. So around 210 cals in that. ltogether 410 calories around abouts today. Wow. I'm only allowed, maximum of 500 calories today and tomorrow then I think its 300 and etc.
But because its varied, I think I'll be able to stick to it better.
Haaa... Watching Skinsa makes me wanna be like Tony. Yanno, get close to people then fuck them up. I'm going to work on that. I know a few people I could fuck up but with others... I'm not sure.
Heyho
Wish me luck on being a bitch to people!
Haha!!
x

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.

Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.

Somethign along the lines of...

excuse me?

you answer it youself

please write it again but in English

and 0.0218736

Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.

My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!

I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!

Jesus.

I'm so Fucked.

x

Result!! [26]

I'm Just Going To Sit Over Here,

Under My Cloud Of Failure,

In A Puddle,

Of Fuck.

Whey heyy! Right the weight loss competition is going well for me so far! More determined to lose :)

Oh the temptation of today... Dean's gorgeous cocolate spread sandwich and jam sandwich. Offering it to me, my mouth watered. Skei jumped in and snatched the sandwiches out of my grasp and reminded me 'You're on a fast!' his cheeky grin I wanted to slap off of his face! He scoffed them down in seconds! I would have savoured them, the way they deserve. This morning a grabbed a packet of crisps from the bag and shoved it, very obviously-trying to make a point to both my mother and gran, in my school bag. Although when I got round to it, I tossed it towards Dan who looked surprised and shrieked 'CRISPS!' Boys are great hoovers. Its why I hang out with them, they dont take took much notice if you're on a diet. They notice if you haven't got food, but not if you give your food to them. My new descovery. I shall daily take some food sorce to school, then throw it at whoever takes my fancy. Well... Not my FANCY, but whoever walks past at the right time.

These days I have little friends. Bambi, yes the one who said she'd be there for me who hasn't been, called me a prick today. Cow. It was because I stole my bestfriend, Manny's calculator. For a laugh. Jesus. He gets her involved as I put it down my top and she started shouting at me that I'm a prick for not giving it back to him. HA! Says her. She shouted at me last week for being depressed! If one of us is the prick, it's definitly her. So I told her, 'Its nothing to do with you so fuck off! And you're a prick yourself!'

Its honestly pathetic how everyone verbally attacks me. Out of the 180 students in our year, the majority of them choose me. Fuck off!

FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!!

AHHHHHHH!!

But hey ho. I've lost more weight :D Which I was singing about today at lunch and Skei looked proud of me, or atleast pleased for me. And good ol' Dan said 'Good on you!'. I feel a little bit loved. So my totaly loss? You ask?

11 Pounds :D
I'm now 149 lbs.
RESULT!

although I have exams all week near enough...
Suckishhh!!

P.S. My arse still doesn't fit in that dress!!
x

Shitshitshit!! [24]

Okay, I agree. Boyfriends can make you fat. But if you eat loads when he's around, even it out with a day fast or extra exercise. Thats what I do, works pretty well too.

Oh and does anyone agree that emo guy is pretty hot!! ;D I would.

Moving on.
SHIT!
I am starting a weight loss competition that Yum at Yummy Secrets has started. It begins tomorrow! >.< SHIIIIIIT!
Its a bit of healthy competition yanno ;) Go on Yum's blog to get the details :)

Todays been one big ol' binge really. Skei stayed over last night. Ate so much. Curry for dinner yesterday, toast with chocolate spread yesterday, cereal this morning followed by a baked potato with cheese, curry sause and baked beans.
planning on a fast from now until monday. Hopefully I'll lose weight that way and *crosses fingers* I haven't gained any weight today!! PLEASE OH PLEASE!!

I recently joined Pretty Thin, its an amazing website for people with EDs. connect with eachother and share diets and tips, Its really great! The people are so nice and just want to share their story and listen about yours :)

www.prettythin.com Search for me ;)
KodixAngel

Uhh, well thars my short update.
I'll post tomorrow with stats so far and how my fast is going
wish me luck
x

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.

.

Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.

.

My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.

.

I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.

.

.

In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??

Oh Crap.

x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

.

Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

.

That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

.

I feel loved.

.

.

We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

.

My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

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Corr.

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I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

Sundayy... [20]

Sunday..

Riight..

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Well I've done my exercises for the morning.

20 Push-ups

30 Sit-ups

20 Bicycal Sit-ups

10 Leg lifts [Each side, Lying down]

10 Leg lifts [each side, Standing up]

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Haven't gone for a run because it looks aweful outside. and I've now got a pair of jeans on [Which I am scared if I take them off, then I might not be able to get them back on..] YES! I MANAGED TO PUT ON AND DO UP A PAIR OF SIZE 10 JEANS!! AHAHAAA RESULT!! I finished cleaning my room too so that should have burnt an extra few calories. Had my vitimins and 'happy pills'. I think they are just making me emotionally numb. Its weird. I cant feel anything emotional right now, not even depression about my dog dieing. I am convinced there is something wrong with me. I haven't heard much from Ana, Syke and G the last couple of days... I think this numbness is suffocating them.

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I've come up with my own bracelet code to do with my weight.

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Weight and shagband code [Coz I have lots of shagbands]

147 lbs + Orange

140-146 lbs Pink

133-139 lbs Green

126-132 lbs Blue

119-125 lbs Purple

112-118 lbs Black

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Obviously at the moment I'm wearing Orange. I have to lose... *Calculates* around 5.5 lbs or 6.5 lbs depending. But thats not too much. I went on a website which told me how long it would take me to get to my goal weight with a spesific calorie deficite. And I can get to 145 lbs in 18 days with a daily calorie deficite of 1000. And to 140 lbs in 1 month 5 days with the same calorie deficite. So all looks good, just need to stay positive!

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Right this one was shorter than usual, since it's just about midday. So I might post later, tell you guys how everything went. Oh, and I'm going to eat 4 bite size pieces of celery to get used to it, coz I read it burns like 40 odd calories? So yesss...

.

Well must be off!

Think BEAUTIFUL!

x

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.

Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.

Balls.

It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.

I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.

I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.

I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.

OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.

I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.

Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.

Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!

Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]

Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!

I can't even wait!

Good Night Beauties

x

Fuckin' Hell.. [9 or so.]

i was too busy yesterday to blog. :/ sorry.

i must say that if i get anymore stressed and frustrated then i will either become obese or skinny. and be a full time smoking addict. and expelled.

but hopefully i can stop myself form eating too much [half the reason i didnt post, i was reli ashamed of myself]

right well breakdown over. decided to go with the chew and spit tacktic of fatty foods. like crisps. did it twice yesterday and licked the taste off of some today too.

but i ate 2 sweets.

i reli need to get a box or something to put all my little sweets that arent gum.

also trying the elastic band theory. hav it on your wrist and ping it when ever you get hungry. mehh. works ish.


i had toast when i got home [150 cals :O i couldnt believe how much in a fucking slice of bread!] and a cup of grapes [114 cals :/] and an orange this morning [62 cals] which is about...

326 cals.
fuck.
went over the daily ammount im allowing myself.
its better than yesterday tho
the chocolate spread didnt even hav the nutritional values on -.-

but will be getting strickter. and sneekier.

must remember to take crisps and shit to school make mum think i ate that.
then eat whatever my afternoon meal is through the 2 1/2 hours until i cant eat. [6:00 is my time limit] i think i worked off alot tho. relay in p.e was tiring so that should hav done it, if not then my walk home would hav helped too.

and the fags yesterday. since they apparently burn calories.

but fuck me. im such a pig.
i dont wanna take pictures next sunday :/ or monday depending on spare time i hav...

iv written everything out. exercises, food, extra calorie burners [which iv also done alot of]...

i think tomorrow ill live off of 2 bananas.
then tell my mum i ate crisps... and toast.. hm..

huh.. according to a rough estmate thanks to an online calculator i am burning 4,306 calories. well today. cool.

#6 I've Never Had Control, I Want It And I Dont Care How.

thats about it reliiiiiii
so yah
fuck my life as usual
x

Cocolate is the DEVIL!! [6]

hm well iv been swaping and changing what im eating -.-

and not finishing alot of my food.


i really need to drink more water, im getting dehidrated and really hungry. WATER IS GOD CHOCOLATE IS THE DEVIL. mehhh
iv been craving chocolate too. i just ate about 6 pieces.. i need to remember to drink the healthy hot chocolate for my cravings. and more milk and shizzle to make me grow another inch or two. -.- im like RIGHT on the boarder of being classed as short in the modelling world [who knows what i wanna do when im older] so another inch or two would be great for me :) my ideal height is 5'10 anyway. three inches taller than i am now.


so im adding eggs to my diet. and milk coz the protine and calcium makes the bones bigger and stronger meaning ill grown taller. and some exercises. must sit up straight too =.=

Mon lovely friend Em complimented my legs today :) aparently i have lovely legs ^_^ wow! right im in the mood for some milk... ill get some in a bit, when im done here.

iv not been keeping to my diet too well but iv been keeping to the timing well. not eating after six. ahh... i duno what to dooooooo!! help meee :(

#3 I Think That If I Lose That Little Bit More Weight, You'll Love Me That Little Bit More.

well im off.
must keep moving some more.. *sigh*
wish losing weight was easy -.-

oh well.
x

AHHHHHHHHHH

okay todays diet went well

then my friend shoved some chocolate down my throte. and i had a bowel of special k. but thats not so bad, only coz the 2 bananas i ate didnt reli fill me up and so i thought 'well lets go for something healthy'

but now my mum has accused me of being bulimic. WTF.

she asked what i was having for dinner and i said my cereal. then she sed 'oh really well are you going to throw it up after?'
honetly.
what in fuck.
'well youre not eating so its all a bit suspisious' ???? hows not eating bulimic?? thats anorexic. god i do hate me mother sometimes. i reli need a proper therapist.
she was all 'well iv been there before i kno the signs' -.- just coz her friend was bulimic at school DOES NOT MEAN SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EDs!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK!!!!

i had p.e today. sprinting. so burned alot of calories im guessing.

planning on having a fag on thursday. with my lovely friend CRAIIIIIIIGG! <3 hes amazing reli. and smoking burns calories rightt??

oh yes and iv been fidgeting all day and didnt eat a wham thingy earlier.

proudd! :3

AIMING FOR SIZE 10!! hell yeah.

i could do with some support. :/ i really want to lose weight! AHH

might start putting secrets on these things. related to this obviously.
heres my first

#1 Ever Since You Told Me About Those Other Girls, I've Starved, Counted Calories And Tried To Make Myself Sick.

its true. i have a feeling my mums not far off. i think i might have an ED... hm.

well yeahhh
post tomorrow!
x