It's not going well...

I can't seem to stick to any diet or fasting ritual I've ever done before. Fuck my life.
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.

I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.

I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.

Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.

My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.

I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.

This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I'm unreliable.
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!

Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Kodii
x

Just itting Back, Watching My Life Crash Down... Burning...

I can see the cracks in my life being forced open with bloodstained hands. Bruised knuckles, stinging scrapes, and searing pain through out my body as I try so hard to keep my world from falling apart again.

It doesn't work.

Right now life's a bit on the poo side. Lets start with Monday. Skei has a new girlfriend. Apparently she's ugly and a slag. Aha! Me and Kitty are weirdly connecting again... I guess it's because me and Skei aren't together.
Everyone is on my side though, which is good. People think it was too soon for him to move on from our year and nearly a half relationship. Apparently he said to someone that he dumped me because he wasn't getting enough sex. Hm.
So really right now I'm rather angry. With a dollop of depressed. Bordering on mental state. But generally very very happy.
He said to me today that he and this girl just clicked, the way we apparently didn't. We were too difficult. Why does he decide to steal my words and use them against me? But the first bit upset me. So I nearly cried infront of Manny and Ted. But because Manny is so brilliant, he cheered me up. And said he's not worth it, etc. which I agree with.

I'm too good for him.

And if he has actually decided to read this then, fucking hell whatta time for you to blogger stalk me again. And right now, I HATE YOUUUUUU! :)

Oh and last weekend me and Rhii were talking about our plans on going to Australia. Yeah, gone out the window. We're putting it off for a few years. When we have money.

And about 20 minutes ago, I found out that my Dad is selling his flat and moving in with Tina. Basically fucking me over with my previous plans for college. Thanks, dick head! I shouldn't call you my Father! He's not going to (or as he says, 'cant') pay for my trip to Cornwall with the school, or a Performing Arts programme at the end of the summer holidays, which costs £800 all together which includes food and boarding. But he's going to pay £100 towards my prom dress, even though he didn't think I was going to prom. Prat.

So my life is being tipped upside down again. I'm being tested.
Thanks to the lack of money my Dad will fork over, Me and Mum are doubtfully going to France in Summer. And I was really fucking looking forward to that.

But on a lighter note. I'm a very good descriptive writer according to my English teacher. I'll post my recent homework on soon so you can have a read.

@Peri
Urm, sure. I dont know what that accent is but OKAY! I feel really bad for not commenting or whatever on your blog :( but it's nearly half term so I'll get a chance to catch up! Thanks for the monologue suggestion, I'll Google it XD
WOOHOO! I can sleep on your couch! You can sleep on mine too! But I live in the middle of no where. Maybe in a few years when I live in London ;D and It'll be a few years until I get a chance to travel to places like New Zealand. But I'll definitely take up that offer ;D
Awh I've been thinking about you too, scary huh? Hm.. by the seems of my reply we'd be better off as e-mail buddies harharr

@Everyone else. I'm going to stalk you in the half term. Expect some comments SOON!

P.S I'm going to see Justin Bieber's new film tomorrow with Manny! HARHARHARR!

You guys give me a second reason to live. I love you.
Really.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Let My Paridise Sparkle In Perfect Cleanliness..

I'm feeling terribly exausted.
.
It was too cold to get a decent night's sleep, so I was up at 9. Its so wrong to be up at 9. But I've spent the majority of this morning trying to warm up and sort out my things. Excluding my head. That is far from being fixed.
.
I have decided to have a monster clean up because my room is FOUL. I may even to the extent of stripping the bed sheets. I found a stain on them that I don't remember making... that is how manky my room currently is.
.
Yes. I'm definitely changing the bed sheets. And sweeping the hall outside my room. And organising all my DVDs and CDs that haven't been living in their cases for a good few months. And probably my writing, school work and drawings. Just anything that NEEDS organising. I love this mood really. I get stuff done.
.
My room is freezing. The damned heater is shit and our central heating thingy is going to run out of gas soon so then we'll be buggered. I'm thinking about talking to my Gran about getting the rest of the electric heaters out to keep us from dying of the cold over night.
.
Oh, might as well put something ED related in here. I haven't eaten for 1 1/2 days. I am going to make it until Christmas day. Unfortunately I am having a 'nut roast' (whatever that is) instead of soup when I spend Christmas day with my Dad. Urgh. But Boxing Day I will have soup. Nothing else. Then back to fasting. I will keep up my exercises everyday or I believe I will get insanely fat. I already am, but I mean worse than... this.
.
Right, there was my ramble about cold weather, cleaning and feeling fat.
Whoopey! Cleaning!
.
'We're hopelessly blissful and blind, to all we are' - Sum 41 - All To Blame

To Love Is A Difficult Battle You Must Eventualy Win.

Gutentag vom mich!
Deustchland war SEHR GUT! ICH LIEBE DEUSTCHLAND!!
.
Ahhhh, the Koln christmas markets were amazing! I love Koln. It advertizes like Japan, has shops like New York, and German people EVERYWHERE! The markets had so many cute things, like ginger bread messages, personalised bracelets, sparkly boxes, embriodered cloths, marballs XD, incense (including cannabis smell), glass figures and SO MUCH FOOD.
.
The crepes. PHWOARRR. I had 3. And a HUGE waffle. Mmmmm... Gorge. I bought my Gran some different types of nugart, my mum a little candel holder, Manny a red glass dragon, my Great Grandmother an embroidered cloth, my dad an amathyst stone, and an awesome ring (its a dragon!) and quartz necklace to replace the one Skei broke. I got Skei a bracelet with his name on it... its different to what you think. When I give it to him, I'll take a picture of it on his wrist for you guy to see. Its not girly, but Its nice... (Shit, maybe I wont show you coz it has his real name on it, not Skei... Ehh I'll think about it.)
.
I spent €100.
haha. It was my dads money so its all good.
I'm gonna have to start giving out presents this week, it being the last week and all... ehhh. E. F. F. O. R. T.
.
Oh I over heared Olii (a guy in my class who has the same birthday as Lii) say that he would fuck me. Cool? But Den, another guy on the trip, said he wouldnt. Tah. -.- Oh well. I dont really care. Even though prior to that moment I said I would go out with him to Stone.
.
Oh well. I deal with plenty of people who dont want to fuck me daily, one more that is known wont kill me.
.
Hmm. I'm still resolving my issue in the previous post.
.
I'm not really watching what I'm eating. I'm too too too stressed. I have work to hand in on Friday. (about a terms worth of class diaries which I havent dont any of) and I'm doing the Christmas shows.
A show to primary kids on Tuesday. Opening night on Wednesday. Closing night on Thursday. I have to buy tickets. :/ Effort.
.
Mum got me an aplication form for a job in a near by town in a clothing shop. I'm gonna apply. Got nothing to loose, I need some extra dough. And I got letters from the colleges I applied too saying they got my application and they will send anopother letter with details of my interviews.
Yessss.
In. The. Bag.
XD
.
I'm going to sort out my bed a little, then go to bed now.
(tbh my weight isn't too bad, only 150lbs. only 10lbs to loose in 2 weeks. Not too bad.)
.
'My life is a circus, and I'm tripping down that tightrope.' - Papa Roach - Thrown Away.

Little Rant From G

Hello, this is G.
Kodii's other personality.
Yes I am a guy.
.
I have to rant right now before I attempt to kill Skei or hurt this body.
Right, I'm seriously gonna start head butting things if Skei doesn't listen to me and keeps going on and on about being a fuck up. Yes, fucking well done you're a fuck up. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
He fucking says he's had the money and ideas to make things up to Kodii but he goes and spends it on drugs coz he's scared she wont like it. Aren't relationships all about taking chances and trying your hardest to show how you feel? He just hurts Kodii more by taking all these fucking drugs, trying to hide it, then Kodi either finds out or he accidently tells her.
Heres a few promises he's made to her.
-Stop smoking
-stop drugs
-stop cutting
.
And guess what, he still does them all but has cut back on cutting. then he threatens me that if I touch him again he's going to break my neck. Haha, brilliant, trying to get back at me when I'm defending his girlfriend and I'm actually in her fucking body. Brilliant, brilliant threat right there.
And he decides that we dont love them. Obviously I do since I uh fucking proposed to one of Skei's other personalities! Obviously Kodii does seeing as she uh, gave him her virginity, draw things for him every few weeks, tries to celebrate every month anaversary... you get the idea.
And now with him saying shit like this, Kodii wants to kill herself. Again. You know, three times she's been talking to him in the process of killing herself. Every time she;s stopped short of it just to apologise to him for everything she's done.
My God.
She's managed to stop cutting herself for a few months now and is screaming at me to end it for her (I'm not going to just so you know.) And now I have a feeling Skei is SLEEPING in HER BED.
.
He hasn't spoken for a good hour now so I'm guessing he has.
.
My list of today is
3 things you hate the most.
1 technically not exhisting
2 only exhisting in Kodii's body and mind
3 The way Kodii is treated by, I dunno, fucking everybody?
.
Thank you for letting me rant, hopefully next time Kodii will be back to post.
If not, Either me (G), Syke or Ana will post and tell you how she is and whotnot.
Fucking good bye.
Cross your fingers I dont kill anybody!
x

No Titlee [still no idea what number XD]

Ahh.
My ickle plan is working! (The food plan type thingg) Cozz I am at 146.5 XD and it seems pretty stable, seeing as my weight has been fluctuating. So YEY!
.
Oh Yeah I have been planning on following some of MY FOLLOWERS (its so awesome to say that XD) blogs but I've been busy so haven't had the chance. I haven't even caught up on my favourite blogs yet! o.o (I have about 2 or 3 so shouldn't take too long) And then I'll move on to my followers (Fat ballerina, Peri and maybe a few others, they just comment the most ;) )
.
And on to my life news.
Skei is going away for a week (Oh yeah Its finally the holidays XD) so I'll have to entertain myself and find some 'friends' to hang out with.
I am seeing a good friend of mine (KT) on Monday and shes staying over, I havent seen her in ages XD WOO I'm reasonably excited :)
I'm seeing Li on Wednesday before she leaves to go off the Spain.
I am making Manny a present for his 16th birthday and throwing him a party at the end of summer (his birthday is like the first day back at school)
I've got alot of course work to do *booo* and I got my timetable for next year, everythings basically the same except instead if ICT i have and extra Science lesson *hiss* so now instead of 5 science lessons I have SIX?? ARGH.
.
Yeah theres my update of my life XD
Well except one thing... But I'm not sure weather I wanna say it... But I am gonna say thisss... I broke the law in some way! :D (@.@) But yes. I'm not going to tell you what it is XD
.
And I must be off and finish cleaning my room and read blogs!
Au Reviour <3
x

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

Christ.
I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
.
I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
.
Right heres the story.
.
Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
.
But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
.
Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
.
Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
.
I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
Anyway!
I love you :)
x

Oh Fuck it!! [49]

I know it was supposed to be my 4 week weigh in but I dont see the point in showing you lot how fat I still am so I'm leaving it another 4 weeks.
.
Hope you dont mind XP
.
Right now I'm helping Skei with exercises he could do to tone his upper body. He doesn't like it so I'm going to help him healthily tone his body.
Atm I've got stuff like;
-bicep curls
-sit ups
-push ups
-triceps dips
-plank
-side plank
.
he want to tone and build some more muscle so I'm giving him a list for him to google if he doesn't know what they are. I think they'll work well if he does them a couple times a week. Right?
.
Arghh I have work experience next week. And the week after. Two weeks with out Skei Because the person who does my work experience is a friend of my mums, I'm staying with her. She's the ex-Bulimic. And most of the time she goes to a different job in the morning and then comes back home then off to her Dance school (which she owns and teaches) so I can fit in some exercise in the morning, not eat until she gets back then go to work with her, probably doing some form of physical work and I'll have to do some paperwork as well. So it should be good. I can have lyins and exercise and morning fasts. I have a feeling we'll end up having a take out within the two weeks! >.< either that or a crappy attempt at food! So I'll really have to work hard if I'm to burn off the calories from the shit I could possibly end up eating! Gawd. I didn't think of that before! Arse.
.
Hopefully I'll get away with it! WOO! :/
.
I'll keep posting occationally in the weeks though because I'm allowed to take my laptop up there (WIN!) and I'll have internet access.. I'll doubtfully go on PT in those two weeks though, you never know what people can do with computers. :/
.
I'm tired. But I dont want to sleep.
This week is basically DUE IN ALL HOMEWORK WEEK.
Bastards.
English Essay Thursday
German CourseWork Wednesday
Citizenship Stage 5 Tomorrow [I've done it so dont worry!]
.
*Sighh*
I'm going to fast better the next two days.
I have P.E. tomorrow as well.
OMG.
I had a dream about my P.E. teacher >.<
Twas weird.
XD.
.
I WILL DO THIS!!!
RUN FATTY RUN!!
(Me btw. I'm the fatty!)
<3

Warning. Bad Language In Selected Post. [47]

I hate school. Clicheeeeee.
But really. I hate school. It makes me feel like an idiot even though I'm sure I have a reasonably good IQ.
.
Bad day. Very bad day.
God I have such drastic mood swings don't I?
*Sighhh* Well remember I said I have a Science exam today?
Yeah well, I'm supposed to be doing the higher papers.
But once again, they put me in foundation (the 'Not-so-smart' paper).
I had a fit. Again.
I really need to control these frickin' emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I went all out angry and shouted at every fucker who walks past, but I cry. I end up crying. Whats wrong with me?!
I had to walk about in front of basically my whole year coz I had no idea where my paper was. So I marched up to Mr. StupidPeadoFucker and asked if I was put of the fucking foundation again. He said Yes. Twat. So I calmly explained 'But I'm supposed to be doing the higher paper' and he just quoted what he said last time. 'Well lets just see how you do in the foundation.'
Cunt.
Scuse the extreme language. I am uberr PISSED!
Anyway.
I basically bit a hole in my lip, holding in my psycho rage. As soon as I left the exam hall I threw a paddy and tossed my calculator across the playground. I retrieved it later btw.
I spoke to one of my dumb-ass science teachers and he didn't answer my question of 'why did you put me in foundation when all my mock exams have been HIGHER?!' and I started crying.
He tolds me not to worry I could take it again if my marks are high enough.
But. That's not the point.
The point is you and Ms. Fucking Priss cant make your minds up about weather I'm smart or just as stupid as the fucking rest of my class! And tbqh. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM AGAIN.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TAKE THEM AGAIN YOU TWATS!
WHY COULDN'T I TAKE THE HIGHER EXAM??
YOU HAD FUCKING LOADS OF SPARE HIGHER PAPERS!
I WAS HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE YEAR(including Kitty who was blaitz taking the higher paper. Fuck.Ing.Shoot.Me.)
AND YOU COULDN'T JUST PASS ME ANOTHER PAPER?
WTF
*Mental punch to the faceeee*
*Mental head butt!!*
*and an array of mental physical violence*
.
God I'm so tired now.
My mums pissed.
They've done it to me TWICE now.
Cunts.
*face plants keyboard*
*repeatedly.*
.
And reading your comments brightened my day.
Feel appreciated!
I love you guys too!
*face plants keyboard one more time.*
x

P.S a Pleb is basically an astonishingly dim person.
I'm obviously one of them.