It's not going well...

I can't seem to stick to any diet or fasting ritual I've ever done before. Fuck my life.
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.

I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.

I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.

Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.

My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.

I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.

This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I'm unreliable.
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!

Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Kodii
x

It's Not My Fault, Honest!

Thinking about watching '90210' seeing as they're all skinny fuckers on that show.

Okay first off, sorry for the delay. I was going to post about a week or so ago but my computer had a spazz. Then I had 4 exams last week, a leavers day party to go to, a guy to meet and an exam yesterday.
The 4 exams last week, eh okay I suppose.
Leavers Day. Skei KISSED ME and admitted he's still in love with me, just fucking up my mind EVEN MORE.
The leavers Day party... got a new smoking buddy, drank a lot, puked. Managed to sleep 12 straight hours after crying my still partially drunken self to sleep.
The guy. Stood me up. He has no chance now. Fuck him I don't deserve to be stood up with out even a text.
My exam yesterday was... okay. Had the last of my bacci yesterday (note to self: GET MOREEE) and shared around a straight fag with Manny, Tedd and Taffy.
.
I feel fat and have binged like a mother bitch today. I had a whole fucking tart. 3 bowels of rice and curry sauce. A bowel of bran flakes. And this is one of the times I wished I could purge.

I'm fasting from tomorrow onwards. I did fast walk/jog for about 20-30 minutes yesterday. Tomorrow I'm ceremonially burning my old school stuff (I AM PFFICIALLY ON STUDY LEAVE!!!!!!! YESSSS!!) With Tedd, Manny and Taffy so I'm unlikely to eat and hopefully I can pinch a few fags from them.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I'm shattered. I dont know why. And bollocks, I was going to have a shower an hour ago but lost track of time. Shit.
This is a crappy post.
Apologies.
But I NEEEEEEEED to shower. I might post tomorrow if I get a spare moment, if not then Friday after my Science exam.

Tarrahh!!

much love from the FATTY MCFAT KODIIIIII
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Greetigs To My Lovely Friends Who Understand Me More Than My Real Life Friends Do...

It's been too too long. I apologise. 3 months nearly, Corrr...
I had to take time for myself. I felt ashamed (as you do when you gain 20lbs in 2 months) and couldn't face coming back. I was also trying to distract myself from Skeii (Who, as it turns out, wants me back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!).

Heres an over view.
I got with Skeii's friend, Jed. (I am changing peoples names again coz I'm annoying.)
I'm smoking A LOT. And so is Manny.
I'm cutting again. Becase I got so desperate that I decided to use a knife until I found a lose razor blade which is my best friend.
I got with some dude... cringe.
I'm hopfully gonna get with this nearly-18-year-old guy called Justin Pike.
I got 37 out of 40 marks on a Diploma project (highest in my class! SCORE!)
I've discharged myself from my out-of-school counselling today.
I'm gonna get a bonzai tree! HAHA
I'm going to Spain in the summer (Ahhhh... Lushh!)
AND.
I am nearly on study leave. (20th May)

Generally, things are better. I know I'm not over Skei but I am working through it with the help of my dearest friend Manny.
And I shit myself when I saw how many followers I now have (even though I haven't posted in forever).
FORTY! AHH!!
Made me happy.

Here's where I become honest about my weight and diet problemo.
I got to 164/165 ish lbs.
I have been starving myself (for the first time since before Christmas) for 2 days.
I'm at 158.6lbs I think?
I have a lot of updating to do, but I am happier because now I can half focus on not eating but not so much that I have to eat. I'm proud of myself today. I feel like nothing can take me down right now.

I feel... Almost Free.

I love you guys. I'm sorry for not commenting or posting or even reading.
I will read the usual lot of blogs I read as soon as I'm finished updating.

Also, If anyone wants to be an e-mail buddy in case I dissapear again, contact me at: crazyxangel@hotmail.co.uk

I feel Powerful.
x

Just Breate, It's Only For A Little While, You Can Survive..

Okay, Now it's pissing it down.
.
Like all day. I was soaked and cold, I hate being both. I hate being cold. Being soaked isn't too bad when its summer and warm.
Um, moving on...
.
Do you think I could get that massage now? I could bloody well do with one! Achy bones, achy muscles. Had a shower, as usual jumped on the scales with enthusiasm (yeah fucking right) saw 144.4...
Epic.
.
5.6lbs in 4 days. I'm really focused now, just because once again I am close to being allowed to go to Paris. PARIS! But I have other things to worry about. Like my school work I still haven't done, getting my prom dress sorted and other pointless things I have to do.
.
Recently our heatings been up the arse crack (as I have probably complained about), turns out what it was doing was poisoning us, hence why my Gran was coughing so much and had to go to hospital twice. This coal ish soot is everywhere, but such a thin layer you cant tell. So my Gran's been cleaning today. I did a small bit in the kitchen. I cleaned a couple of sides, the windows and sorted out the dish washer (seeing as we literally have no cutlery to use..). It was horrible. One wipe, SHAZAM, the cleaning cloth was black. I got bored and organised some sweets. I sorted out my Gran's tin of Quality Street into colour and type and put the candy canes in a pot alternating colours. I thought it was cute. I had half a candy cane. It reminded me I dont really like candy canes. I just think they're pretty which makes me wanna eat them... damn colourings!!
My stomach is literally speaking to me. Its growing so loudly! I mean Jesus...
2 1/2 coffees. (9x2.5)
Half a candy cane.
45 minutes of circuits in P.E.
.
Thats probably why my stomach is having its own little spazm. I drank all my water for once. I think I was trying to shut it up haha, didn't work.
.
I'm honestly worried about Prom. For one, Skei is going in a kilt... I'm going to try and convince him to wear actual trousers on underneath so he looks half normal. Second, I need to talk to my mum about going over to Rhii's to get ready for prom and go with her, Jan, Lii and K in a posh car... Lastly, and the whole big fucking deal... I dont have a dress. I cant find anything I like. I've drawn what I want. Now I just need to find someone who'll make it and reasonably cheap. Or I might just cry if I cant go wearing a mildly Japanese styled prom dress. I wanna be different, and this dress would basically make it a given that I'd be the only one there dressed like that. Argh. Another thing I'm gonna have to save money for.
.
On the up side... I've been invited to Ted's 16th house party. WOO! I'm going to convince Skei to get weed (Which will be a rare thing only because this time I dont really wanna drink.. calories and the number of people there) and I'm hoping there wont be any food there... If there is I'll be busy and let it all run out. Although... Its over night.. and I dont know where my Mum put the Pro-Plus caffeine pills. Yeah I'll be taking them. I'd rather not fall asleep there... The party is near the end of my fast and would be a brilliant way to end it if I dont fuck up. I wanna get properly high this time, not just a bit giggly and starved.
.
Things are going okay for January... I'm knackered but I'll catch up on Saturday. OH! I'm seeing Russell Howard Next week! AHHH! Sorry, uber excited! I'm taking Manny and Skei coz my um got them tickets. Again, I love my mum even though she's a bit dim.
.
I also learnt how to roll a few days ago. I'm not too shabby for a beginner! Heehee the rollies are in my little 'secret' tin along with condoms and lighters. Heh heh.
.
Um there wasn't much point to this post, just a lot of random jabbering about whats going on. I've been meaning to tell you guys this shit XD
.
I'm off to go draw ^-^
.
"Sometimes You Hate The Face You See In The Mirror" - KJ 52 - Daddy's Girl

Let Me Dissapear In A Puff Of Smoke, Let Me Die Of Fattness

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY!
.
I lost weight after Christmas.
Then I gain 2lbs OVER NIGHT!
Thats it. I'm fasting and exercising to within an inch of my life!!
.
Weight: 146.8 (when I first weighed myself it said '146.6' so I got fatter in about 5 minutes.)
Waist(at belly button): 35
Waist(smallest part): 31
HipBones: 37
Hips/Arse: 37.75
ForeArm: 8
UpperArm: 10.5
Elbow: 9.5
Wrist: 6
Thigh: 19 (MY LEGS GOT FATTER!!)
Knee: 13.5
Calf: 13.5
Ankle: 9
.
FML.
I'm off to exercise.
And not eat.
I'm never eating again.

It Takes So Much More Than Just Wishing To Make Dreams Come To Life..

My Body is being queer.
It decided to loose weight..
Not that I'm complaining! Its just... WTF!
.
144.6lbs and hopefully counting DOWN.
.
I sooo want that trip to Paris! I've never been to Paris before! I'm not even 5lbs away from being allowed to go! AHH!!!
.
I spoke to my Mum about a weekend trip to Paris a little while ago and she even said I could take a friend! :o
I love my Mum sometimes.
I'm back to fasting for the remainder of the holiday. Oh. A week! But hopefully I'll be at 140lbs by New Years Eve (As I have said many times!) or I might just have to start cutting the fat off piece by piece. I don't know what I would do in Paris! I know the Eiffel Tower is a definite. Climbing to the top, a mission, but I will do it. Any one know of where to go and what to do? I'm going shopping for sure! Ahh! Shopping in Paris! My life might just be mildly complete right there. Nah, kidding. I have higher aspirations than just that, but at least I can cross something off my to do list.
.
I've also developed a strange passion for Ke$ha and her shit lyrics. I say shit because they have no depth to them, probably why I like them right now!
.
I'll be spending the day in my room. Writing one of my books.. Maybe dancing like a mad woman (because, that's what I do when I'm alone and bored..)
.
I hope you're Christmas' were bearable!
I know mine left me wanting to smack my head against hard objects...
.
But Yes, I love you.
I haven't said that in a while! XD
.
'Our Bodies Going Numb' - Ke$ha - We R Who We R

Enter The City Of Perfection, It Will Soon Become My Destination..

I feel so much better after cleaning my room.
Finally.
.
I've accomplished so much today! I've cleaned, organised the majority of shit in my room, painted my nails, moisturised (which is obscenely rare) and made my bed! Woohoo!
.
I even picked out my outfit for Christmas day! I might take a picture for you... If I can be bothered. I'm such a lazy cow.
.
Tomorrow, I shall be cleaning the spare room (because my mum wants to change the sheets in there but the bed has all the contents of my wardrobe on it) and Having a looooong shower/beautifying day. I will be spending AGES shaving, moisturising, plucking, etc. XD hahaa. I love days like that. Funny thing is, I've got so much time but still haven't even looked at my English essay. LMAO like I'm going to do that any time soon!
.
I'm going to go play on the Sims (via PlayStation 2, so old school right?) as a well deserved rest.
Ahhh... I do feel so much calmer after my cleaning.
Wow. I should do it more often.
.
'Tonight I'll Lie Awake, Feeling Empty' - Paramore - Pressure
x

Let My Paridise Sparkle In Perfect Cleanliness..

I'm feeling terribly exausted.
.
It was too cold to get a decent night's sleep, so I was up at 9. Its so wrong to be up at 9. But I've spent the majority of this morning trying to warm up and sort out my things. Excluding my head. That is far from being fixed.
.
I have decided to have a monster clean up because my room is FOUL. I may even to the extent of stripping the bed sheets. I found a stain on them that I don't remember making... that is how manky my room currently is.
.
Yes. I'm definitely changing the bed sheets. And sweeping the hall outside my room. And organising all my DVDs and CDs that haven't been living in their cases for a good few months. And probably my writing, school work and drawings. Just anything that NEEDS organising. I love this mood really. I get stuff done.
.
My room is freezing. The damned heater is shit and our central heating thingy is going to run out of gas soon so then we'll be buggered. I'm thinking about talking to my Gran about getting the rest of the electric heaters out to keep us from dying of the cold over night.
.
Oh, might as well put something ED related in here. I haven't eaten for 1 1/2 days. I am going to make it until Christmas day. Unfortunately I am having a 'nut roast' (whatever that is) instead of soup when I spend Christmas day with my Dad. Urgh. But Boxing Day I will have soup. Nothing else. Then back to fasting. I will keep up my exercises everyday or I believe I will get insanely fat. I already am, but I mean worse than... this.
.
Right, there was my ramble about cold weather, cleaning and feeling fat.
Whoopey! Cleaning!
.
'We're hopelessly blissful and blind, to all we are' - Sum 41 - All To Blame

Bring Me Down, Throw Me Out. I Deserve To Burn...

I'm not even going to tell you what I did.
All you need to know is.
I'm 149.4 again.
.
I wish I could die right now. Or swallow a load of diet pills. I asked Skei to get me some but the Boots we were in was so feckin' small that they didnt have any. FML.
.
For the next however long until New Year I will not eat anything. At all. Only water, flavoured water and green tea. And an exercise regemine I MUST do everyday. I will only allow myself soup on Christmas and Boxing Day because I am with the family and they would be suspicious if I refused to eat anything. Hopefully with this extreame diet, I will lose weight even more quickly then I did last week. I so hate myself for giving in. Fuck me.
.
(If you want to know my exercise (minimum) for each day here it is..)
10 crunches
10 push ups
30 star jumps
20-40 knee lifts
20 toe touches
Plus the exercise program I've got recorded on my Sky+ downstairs, and any other little exercises I feel like I need to do. Probably more cardio will be put in there but this is only a minimum to help shift this God Damned FAT!!
.
I hate Christmas.
I hate Winter.
I hate me.
.
'Why'd you have to go and turn to ice' - LIGHTS - Ice

Crystal Flakes Of Glass Are Falling, Floating, Melting.

The snow is for looking at, not playing in.
.
I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I hate it because it melts on my feet, soaking my socks and freezing my toes off. Also, its just cold. I love it because it gives me reason to wrap up and wear huge jumpers, and it looks beautiful.
.
Theres so much snow, its insane. It began to melt around midday though, so it might be gone by tomorrow. I'm hoping to get out of the house. Theres nothing to do when Skei is here. I can think of lots of stuff to entertain me when I'm alone, but with Skei... fuck we have nothing to do and he wants my attention. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ATTENTION WITH OUT MOANING. Really, our relationship revolves around looking pretty together, sleeping and watching Naruto. Thats it in a nutshell. Slightly deeper? He's madly in love with me and I have no idea if I still love him because he's (dare I say it) so needy. Apparently I come off as needy and clingy? OMG I DONT SEE THAT?! I need to sort myself out.
.
On the plus side. I'm 145.4lbs! Freshly weighed this morning before my shower! Success!! Only 5 and a bit more pounds to lose in... 13 days! I CAN SO DO THAT! I've calculated (In my many bored moments) that I have lost at least a pound a day!! Still haven't technically eaten. Made more soup, had half of if for lunch, the rest for tomorrow. I also had a lot of chocolate milk shake today which kept me full and also tropical juice. Nom! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to burn off some boredom energy and force Skei out of bed and go for a walk. If he doesn't get up then I'm going to do a work out video! I do love sky! (Fitness TV anyone?)
.
I've been cooking most the day, I helped my Gran make 2 other soups for everyone else and I did a quick sweep of the living room. OMG! I could do some cleaning tomorrow! Perfect ;)
.
I've also noticed that I dont seem to look any thinner, even though I apparently am. I hate that so much.
.
I made another blog. ED's Cook Book. Its gonna have my recepies and one I like on there, atm its just got soup! XD Look it up and follow if you're interested!
.
I may go back down stairs seeing as Skei has fallen asleep (at 20 to 7)... Coz I'm bored.
And I dont like the amount of effort needed to wake him up.
My God its ALOT!
.
Hm...
Maybe I'm not old enough for a relationship like this?
BOLLOCKS!
Dont start with that malarkey again Kodi!
.
Skei doesn't like the thought of me being skinny like the thinspo picks I post... He thinks ribs are weird. (How dare he!?) He would just have to deal with it if I ever get that thin.
.
Well I shall post you all tomorrow a quick update of weight, and maybe I'll measure too? Excite Skei a little when he has to measure my boobs...
.
'How Can You Love Me When I Am Ugly?' - LIGHTS - cant remember the song...
x

Dance With Me In The MoonLight Its So Beautifully Intoxicating...

Awaiting the line. Signalling my turn to shine. Shine out in front of plenty of people. Friends and strangers. Here it is...
'In the prison cell with Joseph were two very frightened men'
Stepping out from behind the curtain, we clutched onto each other in false fear... and began to sing. Descending the stage onto the black platforms to join the 11-year-old star. Looking out into the crowd, seeing every one's focus directed on us. Everyone slightly obscured by shadow, whilst I was lit up in dazzling stage lights.
.
My solo.
.
Everyone was watching me. I was so interesting. It was like a dream. My heart was thumping against my chest, my stomach began to ease from the knot it had previously twisted into. Adrenalin. Now I remember why I love performing.
They laughed at my comic expressions, clapped and cheered as Act 1 came too a close.
One. Last. Line.
'You and your dream coat are ahead of your time..'
I put all my remaining energy into that final line, singing as loud as I possibly could to be noticed again. The lights went down. The hall was over come with applause! Cheering!
.
I could not believe that was it. Its all over.
.
Yesterday evening was the closing night of the Christmas show. It was brilliant. I weighed myself at 147.4lbs. At least now I don't have to buy diet pills for Christmas. I This whole show experience had reminded me of how much I missed being on stage, singing and acting. I did this on absolutely no food. I did drink some soup the previous day but I don't believe that counts. I haven't eaten since Monday. I don't think the 16 mints count as food. They are simply to sustain my energy whilst I worked in the dark room at Diploma.
.
I feel so good.
.
I swear I shall not eat until I am lovely! I shall be 10 stone by New Years. (I've lost 3lbs in the past couple of days so as long as I keep my activity up, I'll keep loosing.)
I have faith in myself for once. I believe I can be 10 stone for New Year. Not eating isn't as much of a mission as I thought! I've easily dodged eating chocolate biscuits offered from my teachers, or I've taken them and fed Skei with them. I feel so pleased with myself. I've also convinced my father that I will have soup for Christmas dinner because I am a vegetarian, and I 'only like soup' ;) Hahaha! I don't know why I struggled so hard before to just not eat! I guess I just haven't been busy enough! I love shows, they keep you busy, keep you active. I'm going to try and do more over the 2 weeks holiday. However. I hate winter. With a passion. My toes are always frozen, in turn, making me walk like an utter spazz. But I honestly must go out more. I shall force Skei UP and OUT of my bed and we will have fun outside my house for once. Also, I feel the need for tidying coming on. My room is a state. But I'm also shattered from the lack of sleep and the fact I went to bed at 3 this morning because I was finishing work. I then woke up at 7:10am.
.
So I'm likely to clear my bed, take some drugs to knock me out, and wait for pleasant sleep to take over me!
.
Oh, and is it normal to feel nothing? Like at all? The only thing I've felt in weeks was the Adrenalin rush from the show. Now I don't know if its possible for me to feel anything anymore.
.
Huh, I guess I'll have to ponder that!
.
'His little whispers love me' - Meg & Dia - Monster

I Feel My Grip On Sanity Loosening... Depression Ready To Suck Out My Soal...

I had a thought.
I may be 2 lbs lighter than 150 because its period timeee... I'll have to see.
.
I'm not looking forward to this week ending. I still havent even made an attempt at my work, and its pretty crucial to have done. I'm also just scared that I'm not going to even be 145lbs by New Year.
.
I want to loose 10lbs. I have decided I'm not going to eat until then. Determined.
Today I hade 2 egg sandwiches and two small chocolates. Tomorrow. Nothing. It's easy to avoid food with the huge ammount of rehursals I'm doing at the moment. It helps that it envolves alot of standing and moving, and use of my diaphram because of singing. I dance alot back stage out of boredom. Hopefully I'll be burning plenty of calories if I eat NOTHING.
.
I've decided, if I'm not at 10 and a half stone before Christmas, I'm going to get Skei to buy me diet pills because I get so ancy when I even think about buying them. I may feel like a bit of a failure useing them but I'd feel worse if I was 11 stone again. I cant be that. 150lbs is bad enough. I need to get more sleep as well, but I'm just not programmed that way.
.
I want to look amazing at new year in my slightly sailor-ish navy blur satin dress that DOESN'T streach. High heels, skin colour tights, dress hem at just below mid-thigh. I want to be gorgeous, and start my new year on an UP rather than a DOWN.
I want every boy I pass to turn and think, 'wow, she's gorgeous' or 'hey, that guys lucky'... I want to feel wanted. I want guys to want me. I want to be the thinnest girl at that New Years Party. I want to be the hottest. I want to be Beautiful.
I want my ribs and hip bones slightly on display, I want my arms to be beautifully thin for my short sleeved dress, I want my bum to be tiny, my waist to be slim. I want to be able to sit on Skei with out breaking him. I want to show everyone in Pikey Hill (my school) that I've changed more than they would be able to believe. That they now see me as gorgeous, sexy, tiny.
.
I want to hear compliments.
You're so thin.
You look beautiful in that dress.
You've lost weight.
I want to over hear people's conversations about me.
She's hot. I hate her, she's so thin. How'd she get so thin? She looks so pretty. Her smile is so bright. She has a beautiful face, and gorgeous figure.
.
I want to be able to wear anything! Everything will make me look thin, hang off me. I want my size 10's to be falling off of me, my size 8's loose, my currently non-existant size 6's have a little extra space. I. Want. To. Be. Size. 6. Or. Less. I wont stop until I'm at least a six. I know I cant be happy any other way. Even counsilling cant help me. Only with my parental issues. Not ever with my body. It will never work. Even though I said I wanted to start working on it. Feh. I'll change my mind. I'll work on bottled up emotions some more, fuck knows I have plenty of them.
.
I need to stock up on things again...
-Gum
-Nuts/seeds
-Energy drinks (diet of course)
-mixed fruit juices
-Diet pills
-Fags.
.
I'm going to have to find soem time for having a few fags in the next few weeks. I've been tempted. But I find it pathetic to smoke at school. And I'm not addicted, so it's fine.
.
Sudden apiphany. Christmas is a great time to fatten people up. I need to hand out more chocolate to the skinny bitches I know. (Lyd - the main part in the show - being one of them) I'm such a cow. Most people who're on 'diets' give in easily if they're in Secondary/High school, and she's a frequent dieter. >:] In coming chocolate!!! XD HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!
.
I'm an utter Evil Bitch. :)
.
'I just wanna fall and loose myself.' - Avril Lavigne - Runaway
x

Wrap Up Warm, It's Getting Cold, Don't Let Me Go, Don't Let Me Fall...

Evening One and All.
.
I have exams for the next few days, it's fucking freezing, I had a bad day over all, and I have alot of Diploma work to do.
.
I have today found out the extremely of my bad circulation. Waiting outside the sports hall for my Maths exam this afternoon, I was so effing cold. I had my hands up my sleeves shivering my arse off when Lii pointed out my lips were purple.
My. Lips. Were. PURPLE!
I may talk to my mother about going to the doctor about this circulation issue I have... What do you think? Wouldn't give anything away would it?
.
I also woke up 5 minutes before I had to leave the house this morning. I managed to get half dressed (well, dressed but with out the extra layers I desire..), half-do make up (green eye liner. That was all) and shove my anthology (a book of poems for my English exam) and phone in my bag. I didn't even brush my hair. I did manage to brush my teeth, even if I didn't have time I would have MADE time.
.
I've started my fasting again. Yeah I died after last Wednesday. Back at 150 odd lbs. Fuck me, yeah? But I'm determined this time because the snow is completely gone (thanks to cunt-ish rain) and I'm at school all week. I'm also going to Germany on Friday! :o I need to get my clothes and etc ready for then. I WILL NOT EAT.
.
Now Kodii, repeat after me. I will not eat.
IWILLNOTEATIWILLNOTEATIWILLNOTEAT.
.
I'll tell you what made my day though.
Lii's mum walks about in exams making sure no one cheats etc. and in the middle of my citizenship exam her phone went off! I was at the back of the hall so I could see her really well, she pulled a face and whispered 'Sorry It's Me!' and me and King just looked at each other and tried not to burst out laughing. All the other invidulators got up thinking it was a student (we're not that stupid, give up some credit!) HA MADE MY DAY.
.
Um. Yes.
I think that's it again.
.
I think i might start ending my posts with thinsperational lyrics...
If I can be bothered I will try it!
.
'She Could Be The Model Type, Skinny With No Appetite'
x

Make A Wish...

OMG.
Finally. I'm back.
I do really apologise for taking so long, my Internet has been crazy, let me go on anything else... just not blogger. Wtf.
I'm only back coz I feel so guilty for being away so long... I hope you still love me! Just as a brief update.
.
I got Skei back. Everything he did and said to me was a complete mind fuck, which pisses me off.
I kept gaining weight. The highest being 11 stone/154 lbs. I almost died seeing that on the scale. I'm not sure what I was at last weekend.. but now I'm 10 stone 7.5 lbs. Back to my average weight.
I haven't eaten in two days. This has seriously shocked me. I'm not feeling too good right now, I think its because this is fast day three. I've got the day off because of snow so I'm going to take it easy and drink lots of water and green tea.
I came up with a new diet plan. So much fucking more interesting to me! It's based around the Naruto characters! Just ask if you want to know more, I'll create a post with the ones I've come up with.
A couple of weekends ago I was complimented on my legs by a ballet dancer. Yes. A BALLET DANCER. I felt so good!
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Capelin used to fancy me, no so sure about now.
I've been getting into arguments with the Hairy Monster, a girl at my school. She's such a douche.
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Right now I think I'm going to be sick... I'll wait it out. If it gets worse, I'll eat an apple.
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I have a new alternate personality. His names Zakk. He's gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there! XD
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Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post. Me and my friend Tiger make a wish at the beginning of each month and see if it comes true with in the month. My wish is to get to 10 stone/140lbs by Christmas and New year.
I already have New Years Resolutions.
Tell me yours if you have any! XD
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Okay, I think I'm done.
Fucking tired. I'm going to return downstairs and hang about with my Gran.
I lobe my Gran :3
I lobe you guys too!
x
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P.S. WhoopWhoop to officially being a size 8 UK (4US) with bit tits! XD

Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
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I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
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I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
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Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
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I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.
x

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
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Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Ergh.
Seriously Sick.
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We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
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Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
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I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
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But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
SHE HAD SOUP FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!
HAHAHA
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
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147
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
WHOOPDEY DOO!
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
OH.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
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Life.
Sucks.
ARSE.
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It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
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And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
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I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
DAMN IT!
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G'Bye.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...
x

It's A Skirt! We Don't Live In The 1930's Anymore!

My God.
I was spoken to about my skirt at least 5 times today for it being apparently too short.
.
Frankly. Up yours!
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I'm tall. Not my fault my skirt goes 5 1/2 inches above my knee! Ooohh Thigh! What ever shall we do!?
Fack Offfffffff!
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Okay, whether you want to hear it or not I'm going to tell you coz, well, this is MY BLOG. Full of all sorts of SHIT.
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Anyway.
First My head of year said that my skirts too short, I told her that the waist band of the skirt is in the right place, so I can't help it! (they're long waisted skirts with pleats at the bottom)
Then when I went to ask Mrs. K if I could borrow a jumper for the day (coz apparently my cardigan just wasn't good enough...) she mentioned my skirt was a bit short (A BIT!) and I explained the waist band thing, and she just agreed and said, yeah, it was because I'm tall. So she was happy about it coz I actually can't do anything about it.
Then when I was going to my first lesson, the 2 head of years (same woman from last time and a bloke) said I should do something about my skirt, I said something like 'Well I said before, It's at the right place, I'm just tall' then the bloke chipped in and said 'looks like its been rolled up to me!'
Fuck off.
I actually lifted my school polo shirt to show him it wasn't. Then the woman said 'well pull it down a bit' I did sort of but the way they're made, you cant really do that. And she kept telling me more as I walked off, but as soon as I was out of her sight I moved it back coz it was really uncomfortable where it was, and made absolutely no difference.
The going into Science my MAN teacher (Mr. SPF actually...) said to sort my skirt out. I said I cant. I'm tall. He turned round and said, 'You getting a new one?'
Fuck off.
THIS IS NEW ARSE HOLE!! And cost my mum more than a tenner! (£10 if you're wondering) And I'm quite sure she's not going to replace it! Specially since its new, and they all come in ONE LENGTH.
Twats.
Then Lunch ended, I walked past the woman Head of year AGAIN and as I was just about out the door she said, 'better think about that'
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
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Think about a skirt? No thanks, I've got better things to focus on, like, I dunno, my COURSEWORK!? That time I just ignored her.
I'm going to tell my Therapist/Counsellor type lady that my teachers are now bullying me. Seriously, how many times does ONE teacher have to say something? Especially to me! They should know by now I'm above average on the intellect front and not an old age pensioner! I can remember what you said earlier! I may have done SOME damage thanks to those pain killers but nothing THAT serious!
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I feel like bashing their faces in (Except Mrs. K who just accepted you cant do a lot about a skirt that's worn correctly but by a tall person.
Okay I'm not tall.
I'm taller than average in the UK. Which seems to make a lot of difference when you wear skirts and jumpers. So fucking hard to get the balance right!
God they would have had a field day if had decided to wear my black boots!! -.-
I mean I'm in my last year of school, I hardly ever do anything wrong (Only a few things and I get out of them easy) the only thing I don't follow like a fucking sniffer dog to coke is the dress code. I wear trainers to school. They haven't noticed. I wear skinny leg trousers to school, they don't notice. And what annoys me more is that I WAS WARY about wearing my skirt coz we had some strong breezes today, I was weary of flashing people! I held my fucking skirt to my legs for God's sake!
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I had a compliment from Skei about my uniform.
Hot. XD
And my friend said that coz I was wearing long socks, I looked like a slut, but she didn't mean it in a bitter way! Just a comment, which I do agree on partly, But I didn't have any tights with out holes in so I just went for socks.
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Wow. Who knew someone could rant so much about a fucking school uniform!?
I'm sorry.
How about something ED related aye?
In science we're doing things about healthy living.
Straight away we were told to calculate the amount of calories we use per day at school. Blimey, I've never been so interested in my life! Corr if I have to do an EXAM on this, I'm gonna rock the fuckin' boat and get a fucking A****** (not a possible grade before anyone point that out to me...) And all the fat people pictures and what happens to your veins and arteries if your obese stuff really put me off food. WHOOPEYY!
Oh and I've only eaten an apple and a custard cream. I think I'm starting to get indigestion... Suckishhhh
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Urh right.
3 things you HATE about your school/college/workplace
1looks like a shit hole
2the teachers are NAFF
3The whole 'Skirt' thing...
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I love you :)
x

Right, Lets Get Down To Bussiness (Again..)

Right, I calculated that if I have a calorie deficite of 1000 per day, I'll get to my UGW of 112lbs in about 4 months and 2 weeks.
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Sounds easy.
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But of course it fuckin' aint!
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My stomanch hates me coz the lack of fruit I've been eating So I'm having THOSE issues.
Dont make me spell it out :(
La Toilette -.-'
But I haven't been binging which I think is good. I've been drinking alot of coffee, and changed my milk to skimmed in stead of semi-skimmed. If i drink semi-skimmed, I can now actually TASTE the extra fat in it!! I never thought I'd say something like that!! It's like once I started drink diet coke, I cant stand actual coke. And after eating special K I'd rather eat that than coco pops.. And at one point, I'd rather eat an apple than a piece of chocolate. I need to get back into that.
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And this is gonna sound really bad, but... I'm kinda gonna fatten the girls up at school...
I know. Thats real bad.
But I cant help it.
As long as the packet of crisps or piece of chocolate isn't in my hands, then I don't care.
I want to be a hot girl!!
(Hense the reason that on my first day back I'm gonna wear a skirt with long black socks...)
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And I'll be doing the usual take fatty shit and something healthy to school then throw the fatty shit at whoever walks past.
Okay not WHOEVER walks past but whoever wants it.
And I'll have an apple.
Or I might throw that away too...
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either way, I'm gonna write down MY SGD today which is gonna be in action on Monday onwards.
Oh yah, and I'll be forced to do 90 minutes of activity a week, maybe more. PLus the extra walking.
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1- 200 + 10 push ups
2- 150 +10 crunches
3- 200 + 1 lap of fields
4- 250 + 3000-4000 steps
5- 225 + 5 laps of stairs
6- 325 + heavy clothes
7- 325 + heavy clothes
8- 200 + 20 leg lifts
9- 150 + 50 crunches
10- 200 + 20 reverse crunches
11- 250 + lap of fields
12- 225 + 2 laps of fields
13- 325 + 5000 steps
14- 350 + 10 push ups
15- 200 + ballet
16- 150 + streaches
17- 225 + ballet
18- 250 + ballet
19- 225 + jog lap of fields
20- 325 + 20 crunches and pushups
21- 350 + streaches
22- 200 + 50 toe touches
23- FAST + streaches
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I've noticed that most of the Tuesdays have around 150 calories on and I have P.E on Tuesdays. OH WELL!!
Get me used to nearly passing out again!
:/ I kinda miss that feeling. I sometimes get it even though I've eaten.
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Okay I've rambled enough I think?
gimme some of your appearance goals
-a 2 inch gap between my thighs
-Ribs and hipbones on display
-a 24 or less inch waist
-size UK 6/US 2
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Thats about it.
I love you all :)
<3

Currently In A Good Mood (I Know SHOCKING!)

Ah, I've decided for the next 4 months and 3 days I'm going to try and get a calorie deficite of minimum 500 calories. Because if I can maintain that minimum for the 4 months and 3 days I will apparently loose EIGHT-TEEN POUNDS!!! And instead of being horrible 150lbs I'd be 132lbs!!
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So right now I'm going to try the negative-calorie diet until I start school, then I'll go on either MY SGD or the oridginal one! Apparently I burn over 1500 calories just LIVING, so the negative calorie diet for 8 days should be of good use, and when I go on the SGD (which lasts around 20 days) I'll eat lots of fruit and veg especially the negative value ones XD
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WOOHOO!
I'LL BE SKINNY FOR NEW YEAR!!
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Oh yes and I told myself to be truthfully honest with you guys about my new (real) measurements. So here we go...
Neck - 13
UpperArm - 11
Elbow - 9.25
ForeArm - 8
Wrist - 6
Bust - 37
Underbust - 34
Waist - 31
Hipbones - 36.5
Hips(ArseArea) - 37.5
Thigh - 18.5
Knee - 13
Calf - 13
Ankle - 8.75
Weight - 150 lbs
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Is it weird that my neck is the same as my Knee and Calf?? But Woot! I'm loosing inches from my rib area (underbust) before it was probs 38?
But My inches goals to obtain by New Years are only a couple of inches different, and kind of realistic to the goal weight loss and the shape of my body. I think the biggest inch difference in my goals is for my waist at only 3 inches. And my arse area takign away about 2.5 inches so hopefully it'll be do able XD
Does it sound realistic?
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Meh anyway I'll just leave now :)
Shit... List... x.x
Uhm..
3 current goals you have, doesn't have to be related to weight loss XD
1 lose minimum 15lbs by new years
2 get high grades in my GCSE's
3Get into a good college
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FIN!
X

Errrr?

Okay.
Please. Someone SHOUT AT ME I'M A BAD BAD GIRL!!
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I suck at fasting -.- Caved into a cookie (thanks to Skei) and just pigged out on Mac and CHEESE??!!
My God I'm A HUUUUUGE FATTIE!!
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So.. Shout At me!
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I WILL FAST FOR 4 DAYS THOUGH!!
=.= (Determined face)
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Uhm... Right well.
To new followers who haven't bothered to read my character list: I may be getting checked out, but I cant and wont say yes as SKEI is my boyfriend. Just thought I'd clear that up! Incase people didn't know!
Oh and I made a character name mistake last time x.x T and G... No.. Its T and Gaz. Sorry guys XD
.
I did my first yoga class todayy!!
It sucked.
It was full of old people who could do MORE THAN ME!
WTF! I'm supposed to be flexable? Fucking hell do I hurt!
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*sigh* Well heres my food plan.
I shall fast for 4 days (til monday) And then move onto my version of Skinny Girl Diet! Basically I halfed the calories so I'd eat less shit and be forced to eat fruit!
Thats like... 3 ish weeks long... I keep forgetting where I left my booklet with it in so I'm not sure. But I WILL FAST =.=
FASTFASTFASTFASTFAST...
I just realised if you type fast wrong it could be 'Fats'
Ironic.
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I've also set up exercises to do each day on my SGD so hopefully I'll loose weight FAST
See what I did there?
No? Okay.. :(
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Oh God, I dont want school to start in about 2 and a half weeks!! I have course work to do and a book to read for English! GAHH!!
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But I CBAAAA!!!
Coz, as you all know...
I'M A LAZY FATTIEEE!!
WOO
RUN FATTIE RUN!!
GAHHH!!!
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I have no lists for you... I'll think of one!!!!
*thinks*
Top 3 people you couldn't live with out!!
1Skei.. (feel special BIYATCH)
2Mannyy XD
3All those sexy people out there! My Thinspo's basically XD
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Spaz list :3
I'll leave before you get TOO scared of me
Again
I'm sorry! I'll stop!
x