Put On Your Army Boots, Lets Take On The World.

Hello All.
First I just wanted to marvel at the fact that... I'm an inspiration?
Thank you @Zette for saying this. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me! Really, made my evening. And I'm so glad that I still have followers who've patiently waited for me over however long it took me to get my head in a better place. It means a lot that you're all glad I'm back!
@BelleRina. Obviously you can do it if you really want to! Don't let one little hiccup get you down (figures, after my 2 days of no food at all I had a MAHUSIVE binge, luckily I only gained about half a pound XD Not sure how that works) I'm going to start my fats again either tomorrow or Saturday, so you can do it too!
@Lilah Lee. I know how you feel! Its horrible, but it seems like you're keeping in good spirits. Trust me you need good enough spirit to get you up in the morning and to carry on. Good luck with you're resolutions :)
(Finally) @Mich. Thank you for the advise, Next time I'll take vitamins (I wasn't taking any at the time) so in my next fast I will take one multi a day.
.
Now moving on to what I was originally going to write about.
My self worth.
Yeah that might seem depressing but really, I'm just exploring what I believe and what other people have told me! Is it wrong that all I see are faults in myself, faults in my favourite body parts, faults in people on TV?
All I see to hear recently are compliments that I'm not even fishing for! Like the Ballerina/leg comment. I get all odds and ends of compliments about me that aren't said to my face.
I'm pretty.
I have nice legs.
I have big boobs (from the guys).
I'm smart.
Whats going on here? I'm not used to this! Thankfully, I'm starting to believe that I am smart, I'm not stupid anymore. I can get the grades I want, I do get the grades I want. How come I didn't see this before? Why did I think I was so stupid before this year? Maybe it was because I was comparing myself to other people? I dont think so. Comparing myself has showed me that, really, I'm smarter than a lot of my friends. I help my friends in classes, help THEM to understand whats being taught. I'm getting high B's and A's in most of my work. What made me believe I wasn't good enough mentally? Maybe because I'm borderline dyslexic and no one ever helped me because I wasn't 'bad' enough? My mum had to get me a personal tutor in year 5 because I literally could not read. Now? I'M WRITING FUCKING BOOKS!
One thing I've apparently always been good at is art.
Apparently, according to my friend, in Primary school we did a little drawing competition together, and we won because of my drawing. I dont even remember this!
.
Then... Why do I feel so pitiful about my appearance..?
I've noticed my confidence grow a little because of Capelin fancying me and complimenting me on more than just my looks. He liked everything. I was even STUPID enough to tell him about my eating issues. He just listened, he understood. Apparently his brother was Bulimic, so he's been through it. I've also got a TAKEN friend of mine flirting with me a lot... honestly, I try not to proper flirt back, I just say things that are intended to sound wrong to make the situation funny... its weird really. Strange how, he apparently really loves his girlfriend, but he feels the need to flirt with me? Makes me a little anxious about if that will happen to me... I'm trying really hard not to get bored with Skei. I love him, I really do. But I just lose interest in things quickly... which is why I think I argue with him a lot. Shake things up, make it interesting. I'm fucked up in the head. I either want to start and argument with Skei or go frolicking off with some fit indie who was looking me up and down. But I DONT WANT TO. I do and I dont. I do because it'd be different. I dont, because I've fucked things up enough as it is... I dont wanna go through that again. :/
Omg. I've sooo gone off track.
.
Either way.
Apparently I'm attractive. I may start asking guys at school... if I ever go back to school XD this snow has lasted several days and its like 2 foot deep.
.
Maybe I should accept I'm a good catch?
I dont know if I can do that though...
Its the battle of and Eating Disordered person, isn't it?
.
Apparently I deserve more...
I dont feel like I deserve anything.
Then, I feel like I deserve the world.
x

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

Christ.
I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
.
I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
.
Right heres the story.
.
Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
.
But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
.
Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
.
Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
.
I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
Anyway!
I love you :)
x

Oh My Foggin' GAWD! [45]

Righty. I thought I MUSTMUSTMUST post now.
Like Right now.
Yeah now.
Okay... NOW!
.
Well, I'm currently fresh out of my cold shower smelling of apples, decided I would have a looky at mon Bloggo and was filled with shock-horror at my followers.
Maraculously, I went from 4 followers to 17!!
*craps herslef and dies*
OMG I FEEL SO LOVED RIGHT NOW!
.
I had a kinda average day and THIS just made me grin like a f'ing crazy person (which I am but thats besides the point!) And felt the urge (Oh-ayee XD) to write for my lovely new follwers!
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And I'm guessing you all came from PrettyWreck (THANK YOU! I'm like so in love with you right now! XD)
Uhm.. well I guess I should get on with maybe what happened today?
Uh. Nothing.
Yesterday however...
I finnaly got to the
ONE STONE MARK!
YESSSSSSSSSS!
haha! I've lost a whole stone since I started trying to lose this gross jiggly-ness!
And now I have 17 followers (Ima just keep bringing that up XD) I will honestly try harder.
I've been such a lazy cow.
But I'm trying to dicipline myself with exercise.
Wish me luck. Never worked in the past but I'll give it another shot!
.
Now Ima reply to my FIRST COMMENTS LIKE EVER
(haha I sound so lonely!)
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@See
Hey thats awesome! I know actually I've noticed theres not really many girls who're 15 who log this stuff... but I find that awesome XD coz I'm sad ;) and OMG its so annoying right? ahahaa I have so many sexy ladies (okay just random advert girls) all cut out but cba to stick them on my wall yet and other stuff which I'll need glue for! Ima bother my mother until she gets some. :D
x
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@Peridot (G+P)
Wow, I'm really gonna have to thank her XD I haven't gotten round to actually commenting on her blog yet >.< I should be ashamed! and Faaack! Someone is actually reading my WHOLE blog! Oh My Aunty Mary. I dont have an Aunty Mary btw XD. and I'm not too sure what you mean by 'scarred with my usual tom-foolery' but sure! I'm an only child so feel free to sibling me up XD and Thankd XD I say alot of weird things like Corr :D you'll see haha! Yeah I can guess.. I suck at spelling is all XD I'm 5'7 an can kick someone who's about 6' ish in the face ^-^ I used to do it years ago but stopped haha lazy cow XD
x
.
Right
Too my new and old(ish) bloggers.
Corr blimey XD
I LOVE YOU!!
x

Stupid Bloggers fucked up how many posts I've done! [44]

Hello Beautiful people!
(i.e. four whole followers!)
I'm a little proud that I have 4 followers XD
.
Today, I've been a good girl. I had soup for lunch and will have soup for dinner! I've done most of my German homework, and also prepared something to give to Skei to help him with his German speaking exam on Tuesday so I hope he appreciates it. I've attempted a bit of English work but cba to find the stuff I actually need to finish it!
.
Reasons I've been a bad girl though...
I had ice cream last night thanks to my bloody mother! I haven't even started an assessment for English which is due in two weeks but I have next weekend to cram stuff in. I haven't finished stage 4 for my citizenship class but I'll do that Monday night! I haven't followed my work out thingy but I'll try again next week.
.
Some news:
Me and Manny are starting Tai Kwon Do [sp?] And Li might be joining us. We're doing it every Wednesday for a month at least coz its free for a month XD but I think I might continue it if I find it enjoyable!
I've found this stuff that stops stomach ache, heartburn and shizz like that including bloating! I've been sipping a glass of it since lunch so I hope maybe it'll help?
I'm well on my way to making a full Thinspo book but have currently got no glue ANYWHERE in the house! WTF!
I've spent hours recently cutting out pretty/thin women to stick on my thinspo wall but haven't gotten round to actually sticking them up.
.
Right now my stomach is gurgling!
Win!
I'm probably going to go psycho/OCD on my room in a sec coz its actually disgusting!
See you sexy people on the other side ;)
x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

*Sigh* [39]

I want to dissapear into the night.
Do you think I'll get away with that?
I need help.
In all manners.
I need help to stay away from things, I need help with work, I need help with stress, I need help with relationships... I need help with everything.
.
My solutions so far?
For One, Say I'm ill.
For two, getting Skei and my mum to help me with coursework.
For three, 'happy pills'.
For four... nothing. Unfortunetly.
.
My usual solutions are to take pain killers, smoke a fag and cut myself. Probably not the best idea but I couldnt care less.
.
I'm seeing improvements. Even though I'm no my period, I'm 147.5.
.
Yeah I have no enthusiasm today. I'm just annoied that I cant come up with places and ways to meet new people. Prefferably with more guys, coz I get along better with them. I'll have to Google some shit later.
.
I may breakdown before my exams take place from now on. I did before my German speaking. Apparently I got an A.
.
I want a fucking huge box. For all my stuff I dont want my mum to see. With a HUGE lock on it. I need to figure how to earn some money too. Or I shall be fucked. Dunno how. But yes.
.
Sorry, this post has been a bit all over the place in a depressed way.
I'll end this post with something Skei just said about me and my EDNOS.
'I'm worried about it, but I'm happy that its helping you'
Not sure what to think of that one.
x

[38]

I have no social life.
My fucking life is full of obsession.
I have no fucking friends I want to see outside of school.
I have no one I honestly want to see.
I am still not losing fucking weight.
I'm still a pig. Obese. Grotesque.
I'm failing at being a perfectionist.
I'm going to fail my exams.
I'm horribly stressed.
And Dean keeps shoving fucking food in my face!
Fuck. Me.
x

Ow. [36]

Hello All :)

.

Okay Today.. I facking hurt.

This week, disaster for losing weight. -.-

I have to start week two again but hey, I dont mind.

.

This wekk was great for spending some good time with my bootiful Skei. Today I thought I'd finally show you a picture of us! You know, Make it easier for you to picture us and whatnot!

.

I dont think I can take 7 more weeks of school. I'll probably shoot myself. I have a German Speaking Exam on the 9th [My fucking annaversary... 9 moths :)] English homework for Thursday and Sort out a folder for Friday at my Diploma >.<>

.

Skei started a Blog on here too... If you want, Check it out 'The Life Of Skeii'

thelifeofskei.blogspot.com

Bless Him :3

.

I do love him. I made him cry 3 days in a row! Bless. Yeah I wont go on... I might cry myself.

.

Skeii.... I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

.

End.

haha :)

Urhm. Well tbh I dont have alot to say!

.

Much Love to all Who read this XD

.

Honestly.

I love you

x

Holidays -.- [35]

Wheyheyy Its Teh HOLIDAYS!

-.-

Skei says 'Hi'. Yeah, I'm showing Skei around my world of EDNOS! WOO! -.-

He's a little clueless :D

HAHA he had absolutely no reaction to me typing that either :3

but anyway.

Skei's making me fat -.- Well.. I've lost inches from my hips, thighs, upperarm, forearm and my wrists again. WTF!

seriously... I didnt think you could lose inches from your wrists!!!! ...

Skei just suggested I type 'I blame Skei' but I dont. I blame him for making my waist bigger again. Pig. Scoffing cookies. I only had 2. Probably good really. Hes still THINNER AND LIGHTER THAN ME! I hate him.

No not really.

Only coz he's a skinny mother fucker...

Oh God... "I'm only a skinny mother fucker because I've been where you are... I didn't like it... and went into overload." - Skei.

WTF!!

what does he mean 'where you are'! -.-

Bastard.

"Hating your body, do you understand"

Fucking yes I do.

Blaitantly.

SHUT UP! SKEI! I'M GOING OFF TOPIC!

Now where the fuck was I?

.

Oh Yeah. Skei wants a fucking Moomoos. Its a milkshake you get on the pier in Brighton. I want one actually. but. AHH!

probably, at maximum, 1500 calories. Minimum? Hmm... 800/900.

Skei thinks theres 2 calories in them. Tard.

Hes such a girl. Who likes kinky school girl fantasies.. even though hes 15. Ehem. He probably likes the sexy librarian too... Urhh >.< 'Oh yeah! Miss Duck!' - Skei

[That's our school librarian. With a nose that looks like a duck beak. 'Very sexy!']

.

Moving on.

Me an Skei are just cuddling in the spare room of my mother's boyfriend's flat. I should really give him a name... later. XD

But yes, Skei is in the girls position, leaning on my shoulder. But gets excited when I ask him to measure my bust but then gets disappointed to see the number go down an inch.

HA!

Oh yah! I named his penis Penelope x3

ahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!!

Sorry. You didn't need to know that! XD

.

.

I think that's it again

Oh

I'm seriously a mental case!

And made Skei cry!

He wants to start a blog too..

Bollocks.

Urh. Yeah.

Goodbye All :3

x

Is It Weird... [34]

I've Noticed a few strange needs recently. And obsessions of course.

.

But First. Is It Weird I obsessively cleaned my bathroom toilet yesterday until all I could smell was bleach?

And is it weird that I've become obsessed with my boyfriends weight and measurements?

If It is weird. I'd Like to know. Because honestly, it just hurts.

x

30/5/10 Update [33]

Yess its that dreaded day.

I have done slightly well though I must admit.

.

right so my HW was 160 lbs

whereas now I'm at a CW of 148lbs!

Thats nearly a whole stone!! Just 2 more lbs to go then I'm a stone lighter! Only 3 lbs to go to get to my next target weight! WHOOPEY!

.

And now for the measurements

.

Waist 30 [lost an inch]

Hips 36 [stayed the same-.-]

UnderBust 33 [lost an inch]

Bust 37 [lost an inch]

Upperarm 11 [lost 1/2 inch]

Forearm 8 [lost 1/2 inch]

Wrist 6.5 [lost an inch]

Thigh 19 [lost 1/2 inch]

Calf 13.5 [stayed the same]

Ankle 9 [same]

.

and I cba to do my neck.

And by the way... I didn't know you could lost inches off your wrists!! I thought they were going to stay the same the whole time!

.

Weeeiiiiiiird.

.

ABC diets working for me then ;)

Although next week is going to be a struggle...

I wont be posting next week coz it'll become obvious.

Unless I post in the room I'm staying in at night... Even is Skei sees it I dont care. He knows and he knows that if he tells anyone... Well... Lets just say I've had enough of him, yeah?

Today I'm on 300 calories... and I have friends Coming over. Balls.

.

Well

Thats all I wanted to say XD

Stay Strong Girls and Guys! :D

Until... Some Time Next week or maybe tomorrow morning... XD

x

.

P.S My BMI is now 23.2

and my Waist-to-hip ratio is 0.83 :S I'm at 'moderate Risk'

Fuck

x

I Thoight I'd Give You All Some Thinspo (L) [32]

For All You Emo Lovers ;P And I just tought she looked cool haha!

For You Coupled Up Peoplee and Those Whos Finance Is Teh Fridge XD

Twiggyy

Emma Watson and Maxxie from Skins

[I dont know his name, Sorry.]

Cassiee from skins (L)

And Effy From Skins

Some Songs Maybe?

Addicted - Kelly Clarkson

Beautiful - Bathany Dillon

Beauty From Pain- Superchick

Big Isn't Beautiful - King Adora

Bleed Like Me - Garbage

Blow Away - Staind

Breathe Again - Too Sorry For Apologies

Breathe Me - Sia

Bulimic - The Used

Cars and Calories - Saves The Day

Courage - Superchick

Crawling - Linkin Park

Daddy's Girl - KJ 52

Disturbia - Rihanna

I Will Not Bow - Breaking Benjamin

I'm So Sick - FlyLeaf

Katie - Missy Higgens

Lucy At The Gym - Jill Sobule

Never Good Enough - Rachel Ferguson

Numbers - Pompeii

Over and Over - Three Days Grace

Pain - Three Days Grace

Perfect - FlyLeaf

Raining Again - Staind

She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb

Skin and Bones - FooFighters

Skinny - Filter

Someone I Once Knew - Dead Celebrity Status

Sugar Cane - Missy Higgens

Curse OF Curves - Cute Is What We Aim For

Theres A Class For That - Cute Is What We Aim For

[I Got These Off Of The Blog 'Letters From Ana' I hope Thats Okay?]

Think Thin Girls

Stay Strong

x

FML [31]

I hate birthdays.

My Garanddad's birthday today. 66 years old. HUGE chocolate cake. Had 2 pieces. Some healthier chinese food, a donette and a cookie. Bad, bad girl. At least tomorrow I'm only eating 100 cals tomorrow, I love the ABC diet. I'm not going into school either. CBA!! I wouldnt be doing anything interesting anyway. Stuck in Learning Support Unit all day sorting out work. Honestly, I can do that at home. This way I have all day to try to burn off the calories consumed today (somewhere in the 2,000 section >.<). I am honestly going to try really hard tomorrow, Saturday (even though I''m stuck in the capital for the day) and some of Sunday. I'll have to weigh and all that after mon lobly friends leave. Man, Li and Skei. Me and Li are going to put make up on man and Skei and do their hair and me and Li are going to be all man-ish! XD hahahahahahahaaa!!

.

I'm so weird.

We're going to watch 'Camp Blood' as well and take the piss at how craply made it is. Probably watch some of Scary movie aswell. I have like 5 scary movie films. They're good.

Anyway.

.

Like todays Thinspo? I dooo! Emma Watson. She is honestly, in my opinion, beautiful. She looks amazing in anything. From glitzy dresses and heels to jeans and trainers. Her face is elegant. Curves in the perfect places and the perfect amount of bustiness and hips. Jelous.

I'm staring an actual Thinspo journal. Filled with exercises. Well. So far.

.

Oh God. I still have to pack for next week. Skei is stuck sleeping with me for about 5 nights. And spending nearly everyday with me. He's gonna be so pleased. No seriously, He loves the idea! I just dont like the thought of showering at my mum's boyfriend's flat. Just weirds me out a little.

.

I've nearly got back to 149. One pound off. I can get rid of that by Sunday... right? Or more?

God.

Okay.

I'm actually knackered!

I'll leave you all at this.

Before I die on my laptop.

x

ABC Day 3 [30]

Okay, ABC, going well.

My current attitude to life? 'Lets Fuck Up Some People!'

I know. I've gone off the walls again. Breaking as many promises possible.

Ones I've broken:

Smoked again

Cut Again

Promises I'm Likely To break:

Smoke Weed with out Skei there

Kiss another guy

And The me inside has shrivelled and died inside me. Making me careless and hateful. And the ABC is giving me something to be good at since I am obviously a thick cow. Getting a D in Maths and a F in Religious Studies. Although I got 2 marks off a B in my German Listening exam and a C in my Science. I found out something amazing the other day. I can get bloated on 500 calories. I think it was the omelet. I don't really like omelets that much... I think that's what bloated me. Especially since I scoffed it.

I bought a book starring an ED! 'LoveSick'. i might write a review on here about it when I'm done. I also want to read 'Purge', the plot to both books seem very interesting to me, that's why I want to read them. Not just coz they're about EDs. I also watched 'Sharing The Secret' a little while back, I found it okay. A little too glamorised to me. I mean, even if your mum knew you were Bulimic, you wouldn't purge right in front of her! I found that a bit weird. But if anyone has a suggestion of a book of film about or including issues on EDs please tell me, I'm interested. It's a good distraction too! Haha!

God, People piss me off. Zanerr is amazingly oblivious at my times of need. Skei had a huge go at her for saying mine and his relationship has been shit for months (what does she know -.-) and she was going on and on saying things like, 'all I said was to treat her properly!' and when Skei said shes not there when her friends need her she totally miss took it as him. No one else, except him and said, 'You don't come to me with your problems!' he said something about a church (?) and she got the idea wrong there too. 'That's because you asked me out and I didn't want to go out with you!' but he meant the time he was dumped. And through all of that, she didn't even think that maybe I needed her sometime recently. My dog died and she didn't even acknowledge it.

Then there's some shit about when I hit Bambi really hard coz she kept hitting me and it fucking pissed me off, that her and that lot of people I don't like anymore were mimicking my twitches.

And earlier today, the emo lot basically invaded the Metal Head's space (yeah I hang with metal heads. Even though I'm not one for too much metal) for no apparent reason and were pissing us off standing over our bags. As I walked away I heard them say my name (pretty fucking loudly) and turn back round to say 'Huh? I heard someone mention my name?' they were all quite and looked at me. Prats. 'No? Fine, Whatever.' and went to have a toke.

I nicked good ol' Lee's fag. well one of them. A straight and not a rollie this time. I almost forgot how great it felt to smoke! corr, relaxed me!

but anyway. I think that's all I want to rant about today. I may go into some in depth detail next blog about something. I dunno what yet. Ha.

*Sigh*

Good Luck All

With Weight Loss, Life and whatever else there is in your busy, busy lives!

x

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.

Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.

Somethign along the lines of...

excuse me?

you answer it youself

please write it again but in English

and 0.0218736

Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.

My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!

I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!

Jesus.

I'm so Fucked.

x

Background To Me. [25]

I remember growing up for me was a bad experience. All the way through Primary school I would be bullied by all the boys in my class. I was the Fat Girl. No other girl was as fat as me. I was it. Now, thinking back, I may have had a case of compulsive eating passed on from my Mother's excessive eating whenever anything bad happened. For me, I just ate and ate. I had adult portions, plus extra, since the age of around 6. Before 6 years old, I was a normal sized child. I have pictures of me from back then, not particularly thin, but just about right.

Anyway, the weight continued to pile on. I had no clue of how big I really was. I thought I was normal. Then once I moved to the country for year 6 onwards, I still recieved the excessive bullying about my weight. Year 7, I realised how big I really was when I saw a picture of me on my birthday with another fat friend of mine and a skinny one. I was bigger than both of them. I remember that summer, I decided to change. I lost a little bit of weight, not sure how, and cut my hair. I was still fat, I realise that. But through year 8 I grew around 6 inches. I looked thinner, but I was too over weight for my height and age.

Year 9 I got new friends. The Emo crowd. They were what fucked over my eating patterns. There was one girl who would completely stop eating, then binge on shitty foods. At the time she was thin. I started that cycle, desperate to lose the weight I hated. I wanted to be the Hot Friend. Not the Fat one. I became bestfriends with this girl. Over the year I gained more weight but it slowly evened out as I grew another inch or two. I started the cycle of not eating. Then I would binge. Then not eat. It progressed throughout the year. I tried to eat healty in parts of year 8 and 9 but dont remember losing weight. I started going to the gym with my Mother, I gained more weight. I didnt understand it but apparently its natural. Natural? I thought, The gyms supposed to help me lose weight not GAIN it!

At the end of year 9 I dumped my Bestfriend. She was a cow. And at around the same time her boyfriend dumped her. One thing made me happy. She was gaining weight. You could see it. The cellulite on her thighs when she wore shorts, The armpit over hang, obese stomach. I felt slightly enpowered.

Year 10 was when everything started changing drastically involving my weight and eating patterns. I obsessivly googled diets, exercises and anything to help me lose weight. I gave up the healthy option, and went for control. I grew taller, I exercised more and I still had a slight Binge-Purge cycle.

I remember the day I first tried to make myself sick. I had heard more than enough about my boyfriends sexual past. I didnt need to hear that. The thing was... They were probably all skinny. I gulped down so much water I felt overly bloated. The fact I had binged earlier that day meant there was something to come out. So I tried. I locked my bath room door, drank until I almost couldnt breathe, placed my head above the toilet... and stuck my fingers down my throat. I tried various times, nothing came up. Then I nearly did it. But I couldn't. I sat back against the door, puffy, teary eyed, I wanted to die. I wasn't good enough. I mean nothing to anyone. That night I retured to my good old friend, Razor.

After that I turned more into an Ana follower. I still am I suppose. But I started off being a Vegetarian. Then I cut out certain foods. Then I started fasting. Of course all the while my Mother was accusing me of being Bulimic. Which I was for a while. Thinking back I've realised I've converted from ED to ED. First was the compulsive eating. Second was Bulimic Binge-Fast cycle and some abuse of laxatives. Now is Calorie restriction, Fasting and having Ana in my head. My alter, Ana. She tells me how to do it. I'v lost weight now. I'm a little bit happier, But I want perfect. Before I didnt want to have an ED.

But Now.
I Accept it.

Even If I havent Properly Been Diagnosed.
I'd rather not anyway.


x

4 week Updatee [12]

Hey Mon Babiess ;)
LOL
rightyy
heres the shizzlee

Weight: 10stone 12 pounds
before: 11stone 2 pounds
all together: 4 pounds!!
RESULT!!

Current Measurements
Waist: 31 inches
hips: 36 inches
thigh: 19 1/2 inches
calf: 13 1/2 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 34 inches
bust: 38 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 8 1/2 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

Oridginal
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches
Again. RESULT!!!
YESSS
haaaaaaaaa <3
righty i think thats all..
urm
bubii ;]
x

ish mish. [11]

right yesterday i was too angry to eat [big ol' situation about im 'not just a fucking bitch im a fat fucking bitch', went off the walls, hit a few things ect..]

so i didnt eat yesterday

ate loads today however. depressive eating. coz basically my dogs gonna die.

went to the gym tho. but deffinetly ate more than i burned.
am going to townio tomorrow. need to get my friend a birthday presant and keep me out of the house. its easier to stay away from food when you hav to pay for it.

sunday i might go for an early walk [whenever i wake up] then weigh, measure and photograph mon fat self :/ christ.

if iv gained that pund back ill be pissed.
i only did 20 minutes at the gym but pushed myself.
on the bikes i alternated between 8 secs of reli fast peadaling and 12 secs of normal for 10 minutes
on treadmill i built up speed to 6.5 mph then went down a little then carried on getting slower for five minutes after the 10 minutes

i reli shouldnt eat breakfast. it makes me want more food.
iv been keeping busy by taking down all my posters on the walls and throwing out the ones i dont want anymore. but im not putting them back up coz it means effort and i want them all up when i live with my dad for collage [in a little over a year]

been making endless lists -.- what to do, what to get, what to get sorted for when... ect.

fast weekend. hopefully makes up for my shitty diet week.

i must say i think my school trousers [which are skinny leg] feel bigger and baggier. i can pull it away from my waist [never been able to do that before] and theres loads of excess space in the leg parts now. could be the wash or maybe i reli am losing weight..
heyyy ^-^

iv developed a compulsion to read or try to find the nutritional value chart on all foods. which is good then i know what im eating.

uhh.

[give up with numbers] # I Dont Care Who Says It, It Just Proves Its Not All In My Head. I Really Am Fat And Im Not Good Enough For Anyone.

i need to drink more water. im like dying. iv had 2 bottles and a can of coke zero [which has one calorie which is pretty amazing]

tomorrow i might let myself have the 20 blue berries that have been in my fridge for a couple of days. they might go off other wise and itll keep my body going for longer. then more water <3

corr..
tough work this getting thin thing aint it?

one last thing.
im gonna put thinspo on my blogs except the ones with my photo progress on.
so WOOP
lots of pretty skinny girls on my blog to motivate me

bye all ;)
x

AHHHH FUCKING BINGINGG!! [7]

omg.
right.
NO MORE BINGING.
NO VARIATION FROM MY ORIDGINAL DIET!!

right well iv gained 3 pounds :( thanks to the chocolate and other food.

so im making a drastic and strict change to my diet.

weekends i will fast.
in the week i can vary what i hav from my oridginal diet.
and try to fast on wednesdays too.
and im allowed the occational boiled egg.

NO chocolate
NO fast food
NO ready meals
NO big meals in general
NO potatoes or cereal anymore

cals in the food im going to eat.

boiled egg = 90 cals
apple = 81 cals
cucumber = 24 cals
banana = 108.5 cals
orange = 62 cals
carrot = 26 cals
1 cup strawberries = 43 cals
1/2 red pepper = 16 cals
20 blueberries = 16 cals
10 rasberries = 24 cals
1 cup grapes = 114 cals
1 cup lettuce = 7 cals

im going to try and keep my daily calories to 300 or less. and burn 1000 a day hopefully. then i should lose weight easily. i really need to start not eating the dinner my mum makes.

Ive done my masurements too..
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

gonna start moisturising and dancing in my room at weekends coz i can tell my skin needs the moisture :/ and all that jazz. so hopefully ill lose this extra weight this week...
*crosses fingers*

#[cant remember what number..] I'm A Hazzard To Myself. Only I Know That.

yess well wish me luck >.<

x

Cocolate is the DEVIL!! [6]

hm well iv been swaping and changing what im eating -.-

and not finishing alot of my food.


i really need to drink more water, im getting dehidrated and really hungry. WATER IS GOD CHOCOLATE IS THE DEVIL. mehhh
iv been craving chocolate too. i just ate about 6 pieces.. i need to remember to drink the healthy hot chocolate for my cravings. and more milk and shizzle to make me grow another inch or two. -.- im like RIGHT on the boarder of being classed as short in the modelling world [who knows what i wanna do when im older] so another inch or two would be great for me :) my ideal height is 5'10 anyway. three inches taller than i am now.


so im adding eggs to my diet. and milk coz the protine and calcium makes the bones bigger and stronger meaning ill grown taller. and some exercises. must sit up straight too =.=

Mon lovely friend Em complimented my legs today :) aparently i have lovely legs ^_^ wow! right im in the mood for some milk... ill get some in a bit, when im done here.

iv not been keeping to my diet too well but iv been keeping to the timing well. not eating after six. ahh... i duno what to dooooooo!! help meee :(

#3 I Think That If I Lose That Little Bit More Weight, You'll Love Me That Little Bit More.

well im off.
must keep moving some more.. *sigh*
wish losing weight was easy -.-

oh well.
x