It's not going well...

I can't seem to stick to any diet or fasting ritual I've ever done before. Fuck my life.
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.

I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.

I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.

Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.

My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.

I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.

This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I'm unreliable.
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!

Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Kodii
x

Greetigs To My Lovely Friends Who Understand Me More Than My Real Life Friends Do...

It's been too too long. I apologise. 3 months nearly, Corrr...
I had to take time for myself. I felt ashamed (as you do when you gain 20lbs in 2 months) and couldn't face coming back. I was also trying to distract myself from Skeii (Who, as it turns out, wants me back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!).

Heres an over view.
I got with Skeii's friend, Jed. (I am changing peoples names again coz I'm annoying.)
I'm smoking A LOT. And so is Manny.
I'm cutting again. Becase I got so desperate that I decided to use a knife until I found a lose razor blade which is my best friend.
I got with some dude... cringe.
I'm hopfully gonna get with this nearly-18-year-old guy called Justin Pike.
I got 37 out of 40 marks on a Diploma project (highest in my class! SCORE!)
I've discharged myself from my out-of-school counselling today.
I'm gonna get a bonzai tree! HAHA
I'm going to Spain in the summer (Ahhhh... Lushh!)
AND.
I am nearly on study leave. (20th May)

Generally, things are better. I know I'm not over Skei but I am working through it with the help of my dearest friend Manny.
And I shit myself when I saw how many followers I now have (even though I haven't posted in forever).
FORTY! AHH!!
Made me happy.

Here's where I become honest about my weight and diet problemo.
I got to 164/165 ish lbs.
I have been starving myself (for the first time since before Christmas) for 2 days.
I'm at 158.6lbs I think?
I have a lot of updating to do, but I am happier because now I can half focus on not eating but not so much that I have to eat. I'm proud of myself today. I feel like nothing can take me down right now.

I feel... Almost Free.

I love you guys. I'm sorry for not commenting or posting or even reading.
I will read the usual lot of blogs I read as soon as I'm finished updating.

Also, If anyone wants to be an e-mail buddy in case I dissapear again, contact me at: crazyxangel@hotmail.co.uk

I feel Powerful.
x

Achh, Ashamed At My Own Desision

This is so not fair.
.
WARNING!
I am about to whine about me being stupid.
.
Me and Skei are on a break. -.- I told him we needed to talk, and I said that I've found the recent few weeks quite difficult for us. And I gave him three options to think about.
1) stay together and try harder
2) go on a break, sort our selves out a little, and get back together after a few weeks.
3) just break up.
.
He thought about it for 2 lessons and we talked about it for most of Lunch break.
2-3 weeks of:
no kissing, holding hands, hugging or saying I love you.
being able to pull whoever I want (likely NO ONE)
No sex with anyone (and I told him to not pull anyone either... Or I may have to, yanno, Die?)
.
And guess what.
I FUCKING MISS HIM ALREADY!
But I know if I beg him to get back with me, then I'll regret it and want some time again.
But I had this thought...
If we did 'break' for 2 weeks, then maybe we could start our relationship again, slowly, with dates. Coz all we seem to do now is sleep at my house and go to school.
Which is why I'm confused as to whether I love him anymore.
And I scoffed 3 mars bars, about 5 table spoons of potatoe salad (not too fatty though actually) and some houmous with celery. And special K.
.
Right. So I've been SO tempted to call him and say 'FUCK IT I LOVE YOU' But I know thats not a good idea.
.
Oh and thank you for lovely comments :)
My Therapist made me nearly cry -.-
(I was talking about 'Daddy' issues)
And Peri~ I actually did know about the whole muscle thing, but thanks for confirming that IT IS TRUE :)
And thanks FBallerina, I was going to but didn't and ended up doing running in my P.E. lesson today.
.
I have a feeling I'm going to have a late night cry :/
Ah Well.
I'll beg a friend of mine to set me up with some sexy guy (lol, yeah right!)
I love you all
You're lovely.
Apologies for crappy rant btw
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Background To Me. [25]

I remember growing up for me was a bad experience. All the way through Primary school I would be bullied by all the boys in my class. I was the Fat Girl. No other girl was as fat as me. I was it. Now, thinking back, I may have had a case of compulsive eating passed on from my Mother's excessive eating whenever anything bad happened. For me, I just ate and ate. I had adult portions, plus extra, since the age of around 6. Before 6 years old, I was a normal sized child. I have pictures of me from back then, not particularly thin, but just about right.

Anyway, the weight continued to pile on. I had no clue of how big I really was. I thought I was normal. Then once I moved to the country for year 6 onwards, I still recieved the excessive bullying about my weight. Year 7, I realised how big I really was when I saw a picture of me on my birthday with another fat friend of mine and a skinny one. I was bigger than both of them. I remember that summer, I decided to change. I lost a little bit of weight, not sure how, and cut my hair. I was still fat, I realise that. But through year 8 I grew around 6 inches. I looked thinner, but I was too over weight for my height and age.

Year 9 I got new friends. The Emo crowd. They were what fucked over my eating patterns. There was one girl who would completely stop eating, then binge on shitty foods. At the time she was thin. I started that cycle, desperate to lose the weight I hated. I wanted to be the Hot Friend. Not the Fat one. I became bestfriends with this girl. Over the year I gained more weight but it slowly evened out as I grew another inch or two. I started the cycle of not eating. Then I would binge. Then not eat. It progressed throughout the year. I tried to eat healty in parts of year 8 and 9 but dont remember losing weight. I started going to the gym with my Mother, I gained more weight. I didnt understand it but apparently its natural. Natural? I thought, The gyms supposed to help me lose weight not GAIN it!

At the end of year 9 I dumped my Bestfriend. She was a cow. And at around the same time her boyfriend dumped her. One thing made me happy. She was gaining weight. You could see it. The cellulite on her thighs when she wore shorts, The armpit over hang, obese stomach. I felt slightly enpowered.

Year 10 was when everything started changing drastically involving my weight and eating patterns. I obsessivly googled diets, exercises and anything to help me lose weight. I gave up the healthy option, and went for control. I grew taller, I exercised more and I still had a slight Binge-Purge cycle.

I remember the day I first tried to make myself sick. I had heard more than enough about my boyfriends sexual past. I didnt need to hear that. The thing was... They were probably all skinny. I gulped down so much water I felt overly bloated. The fact I had binged earlier that day meant there was something to come out. So I tried. I locked my bath room door, drank until I almost couldnt breathe, placed my head above the toilet... and stuck my fingers down my throat. I tried various times, nothing came up. Then I nearly did it. But I couldn't. I sat back against the door, puffy, teary eyed, I wanted to die. I wasn't good enough. I mean nothing to anyone. That night I retured to my good old friend, Razor.

After that I turned more into an Ana follower. I still am I suppose. But I started off being a Vegetarian. Then I cut out certain foods. Then I started fasting. Of course all the while my Mother was accusing me of being Bulimic. Which I was for a while. Thinking back I've realised I've converted from ED to ED. First was the compulsive eating. Second was Bulimic Binge-Fast cycle and some abuse of laxatives. Now is Calorie restriction, Fasting and having Ana in my head. My alter, Ana. She tells me how to do it. I'v lost weight now. I'm a little bit happier, But I want perfect. Before I didnt want to have an ED.

But Now.
I Accept it.

Even If I havent Properly Been Diagnosed.
I'd rather not anyway.


x