Whoopeyy!!

Hey. Guess What?
I have awesome news!
But I'll get to that!
.
It was awesome reading (3) people's stories and dislikes about school XD It's a great topic to bitch about!
I'm sorry I cant remember names atm (Shame on me) but whoever said about her shoes getting nicked.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO!!
Out of the girls changing rooms and I had to wear my P.E. trainers until my mum bought a new pair!
.
Oh and, seeing as my skirt caused such a ruckus, I'm going to wear it again tomorrow. My old head of year actually said 'Well, thats better!' when she saw me in my trousers (skinny legged ones btw)... I hate her. I went on and explained everything (height, length, right place, other girls are shorter.. etc.) then she said something like 'I dunno what it was, something just wasn't right, maybe its because you weren't wearing tights.'
What the fuck??
I told her my tights had a hole in which I asked my mum to fix so I didn't have any. Which is the truth, but I wanted to wear my long socks anyway.
And I'm going to tomorrow :) She can kiss my arse. I'm going to dye my hair BRIGHT FUCKING PURPLE some point this year and there's nothing she can do about it!
tbh they can't. They can tell you you shouldn't dye your hair unnatural colours and tell you off, but what else are they gonna do? Come to your house, shove your head under the shower and apply hair dye??
Oh dear XD
.
Oh but anyway. To my awesome news...
I'VE LOST 2.5 LBS!!!!!!!!
LYKE OH EMM GEEE!!!!!!
Seriously though, Corr! I found that out coz my mum finally got a battery for our scales and it works again. I lost weight and had 3 pieces of chocolate cake (2 of which I stuffed when I got home... tut tut) and that was after a whole day of eating a little and drinking.
I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow just to make sure!
But I think I'm going to stick to 'Measure every few days' for weight coz When you dont know... You want to make a difference! Well for me anyway... And I think I'm going to measure with the tape every month, or 4 weeks, whatever. Because this seems to be working! I use more energy at school, I do minimum of 90 minutes of activity per week, with my SGD I have an exercise to do everyday which will help, and the calories are very low making my total calories burned around 2000 or more!
WHOOPEYYYYYY!!!
Now I'm off to update my goals and check my BMI!!!
Then Maybe get a mug of warm milk ^-^
.
Damn... Favourite books
1 LoveSick (Sweet true story with a Bulimic girl in it)
2 Generation Dead (Glamorising Zombies for once! It's really good)
3 Ways To Live Forever (About a young boy in England I think, with Leukemia, uber saaad :( )
.
I reccomend those :)
Laaaaaaave...
Soon To Be Skinny Angel!
;)
x

Right, Lets Get Down To Bussiness (Again..)

Right, I calculated that if I have a calorie deficite of 1000 per day, I'll get to my UGW of 112lbs in about 4 months and 2 weeks.
.
Sounds easy.
.
But of course it fuckin' aint!
.
.
My stomanch hates me coz the lack of fruit I've been eating So I'm having THOSE issues.
Dont make me spell it out :(
La Toilette -.-'
But I haven't been binging which I think is good. I've been drinking alot of coffee, and changed my milk to skimmed in stead of semi-skimmed. If i drink semi-skimmed, I can now actually TASTE the extra fat in it!! I never thought I'd say something like that!! It's like once I started drink diet coke, I cant stand actual coke. And after eating special K I'd rather eat that than coco pops.. And at one point, I'd rather eat an apple than a piece of chocolate. I need to get back into that.
.
And this is gonna sound really bad, but... I'm kinda gonna fatten the girls up at school...
I know. Thats real bad.
But I cant help it.
As long as the packet of crisps or piece of chocolate isn't in my hands, then I don't care.
I want to be a hot girl!!
(Hense the reason that on my first day back I'm gonna wear a skirt with long black socks...)
.
And I'll be doing the usual take fatty shit and something healthy to school then throw the fatty shit at whoever walks past.
Okay not WHOEVER walks past but whoever wants it.
And I'll have an apple.
Or I might throw that away too...
.
either way, I'm gonna write down MY SGD today which is gonna be in action on Monday onwards.
Oh yah, and I'll be forced to do 90 minutes of activity a week, maybe more. PLus the extra walking.
.
1- 200 + 10 push ups
2- 150 +10 crunches
3- 200 + 1 lap of fields
4- 250 + 3000-4000 steps
5- 225 + 5 laps of stairs
6- 325 + heavy clothes
7- 325 + heavy clothes
8- 200 + 20 leg lifts
9- 150 + 50 crunches
10- 200 + 20 reverse crunches
11- 250 + lap of fields
12- 225 + 2 laps of fields
13- 325 + 5000 steps
14- 350 + 10 push ups
15- 200 + ballet
16- 150 + streaches
17- 225 + ballet
18- 250 + ballet
19- 225 + jog lap of fields
20- 325 + 20 crunches and pushups
21- 350 + streaches
22- 200 + 50 toe touches
23- FAST + streaches
.
I've noticed that most of the Tuesdays have around 150 calories on and I have P.E on Tuesdays. OH WELL!!
Get me used to nearly passing out again!
:/ I kinda miss that feeling. I sometimes get it even though I've eaten.
.
Okay I've rambled enough I think?
gimme some of your appearance goals
-a 2 inch gap between my thighs
-Ribs and hipbones on display
-a 24 or less inch waist
-size UK 6/US 2
.
Thats about it.
I love you all :)
<3

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

Christ.
I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
.
I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
.
Right heres the story.
.
Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
.
But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
.
Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
.
Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
.
I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
Anyway!
I love you :)
x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

Is It Weird... [34]

I've Noticed a few strange needs recently. And obsessions of course.

.

But First. Is It Weird I obsessively cleaned my bathroom toilet yesterday until all I could smell was bleach?

And is it weird that I've become obsessed with my boyfriends weight and measurements?

If It is weird. I'd Like to know. Because honestly, it just hurts.

x

I Hate Myself. [28]

Fuck.

I hate myself.

I've gained 5 lbs.

I know. I deserve to die. I obviously can't fast. I'm a shitty faster and have let down my ana buddie on PT. I'm sorry! I'm pathetic and useless!!

I almost killed myself yesterday because of all the weight I've suddenly gained again. Skei said its muscle because of my exercises. But its obviously not. I barley exercised this week. And I binged like a cow. I'm working on losing the weight again. God, I cant believe myself! AHH!!

But I'm doing more. Trying to force myself to do my daily sit an push ups. Yesterday I walked quite a bit. Picking bluebells and whatnot. And once Skei left I ran back to my house and round to where the fire is, outdoors, and did 30 star jumps and 12 pushups. So I'm hoping I'll lose the weight fast if I restrict my food again. And since I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet on Monday, it'll hopefully work well. And its only about another week until the Pictures are due again! Christ.

After next week is half term. I'll make Skei come out with me around town nearly everyday to keep me moving. And if I buy food I'll only have a bit then give him the rest. Simples.

Oh fuck.

I have to fast on the Wednesday and I honestly dont know how I'm going to get that past my mum and her boyfriend. Balls.

Skei definitly knows now.

Yes he knows I have a crazy ED.

Yet he doesn't quite seem to get how serious this is. But oh well. He might get it if I gain more weight or get to my goal weight of 112 lbs. Which is like centuries off. Sad face.

Ahh. Life sucks, aye?

Yeah It really does.

I have more exams next week. I know. They dont stop. If anyone wants to join me on my ABC diet feel free to comment me. I have about 4 right now. But hey, more diet related ones would be good!

just ask for email :)

I get lonely. HAHA!

bye bubas

x

How To Day Ended? [21]

Here's today's story.
After my short walk around the near by fields, I got frustrated. Sitting in a tree, gazing at the dreary scenery, I pondered life. Mine? Horrible. A pool of nothingness. Since becoming emotionally numb, I felt like falling, nothing could hurt me. I returned home, spoke to my Gran for a short time, mostly about Skei. Then my Mother awoke. Hair like a pheasant. The norm for when she wakes. I decided I would go for a longer walk. Left, walked down my driveway and in the direction of my school, I walked. When reaching my school, I decided to carry on, that I would walk to Skei's house. Show him my dedication, not just to him. Not just to prove my love to him in one of the slightly more extreme ways. To prove I was ready to change my appearance also. The fact I had not eaten didn't stop me from getting to his house. I walked through the aches and pains and freezing cold wind. An a fact of thinking I was lost many times through out my journey. It was a good few miles. From mine to his, I mean. Arriving at Skei's part of the village, it was around the time they would be having dinner, so I waited. My mother began texting me, where are you?, how did you get there?, and call if you want picking up. I did not want picking up. I wanted to lay myself in the middle of the road. Admire the sky growing ever so impatient for me to get inside. Turning 5:39 I decided to knock on the door. His Grandfather answered. Asking politely as possible I spoke.
"Is Skei in?"
He looked at me as if he had completely forgotten about him. Letting me inside, he asked Skei's Nan, who was busy nattering away on the phone. Right there. Embarrassment. My eyes almost glued to the floor as my hands gingerly hid in their sleeves. Until Skei's Father was brought into the mix. Getting in his car, I thought of two people Skei would likely go to. Whyte or Liam. Wasn't at Liam's and, unfortunately, couldn't find Whyte's.
.
Fuck. Me.
.
My only thought. Trust my luck to make him impossible to find. Then, Thankfully, Christopher, received a text. Along the lines of, He's on his way home. Good.
.
Christopher Told me i could wait in Skei's room, I decided to go with that since we got back before him and I'd rather be alone than sit with everyone. I'm not as social with people's families. So I waited a good 10/15 minutes, glancing at posters with a feeling of disgust rise within me as to what these posters were telling me. A big tick list, including have a threesome, have sex outdoors, and some even more excruciating suggestions trying to kill me. It worked. I died a little more inside, although being numb most the weekend I still felt the hate I have for myself.
Seeing him burst through the door with a slightly concerned look on his face, which looked strangely child-like with his short, bleached blonde hair. The one thing that hit me then was, He's totally oblivious... and he was. He had no clue that today was our 8 month anniversary. I knew I should have felt more pained but all I felt was emptiness.
More broken promises between us. He smoked weed when the previous Wednesday I asked him not to, explaining I wouldn't smoke if he didn't take the drugs that just made him worse. Earlier that day I decided to break a promise, knowing he wouldn't suddenly pop out of thin air right before me. I cut. Numb and No More. I know what i meant by it. It still stings actually, more so than when it was bleeding. Showing him, his expression grew more depressive. he knew this time it was his fault. He did this. He caused this. He knew he had fucked up majorly.
Then I mentioned the lack of chatter in my head. That they were suffocating. And probably, if I get better, I'll permanently lose them. His two alters, who have fallen for two of my alters, reacted badly.
One final time, I have forgiven him.
If he does this to me again.
He'll have to cope on his own.
I pointed out that even though he wasn't there for me when Sparkie died, I was there for him the next day. His childhood friend's two year death anniversary.
There's what generally happened today, In story form. Tomorrow I have an ICT exam, which I am likely to fail.
Around 11 pm ish I am going to be seeing a comedian with my mum, her boyfriend and Skei.
.
Wish me luck in my exams all week.
And I must say, I think i burnt a shit load of calories. Two and a half ish hours straight walking, no food, [until earlier... coconut yogurt.] and exercises in the morning plus a small walk.
HOORAHH!
well goodbye, good night and I may blog tomorrow...
Doubtfully. I'm sure you're all happy to hear that.

Night my lovers.
x

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.

Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.

Balls.

It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.

I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.

I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.

I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.

OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.

I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.

Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.

Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!

Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]

Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!

I can't even wait!

Good Night Beauties

x

*Sigh* [18]

First of all today, I am currently watching America's Nect Top Model. Always makes me more detremined.

Second. I sould stop drinking juice for a while. Because I've had it so much recently I have a pretty bad stomach and probably washed out all the crap inside me by now. So I'll stick to water again.

Third. Just calculated I'm 152 pounds! (VICTORY IS NEAR) I'm so happy I've lost 8 pounds, although I still want to lose more. Also today I've eaten around 400-500 calories. Meh. I'll get stricter. Done my 20 push ups today aswell.

Been carrying on with my wall thinspo and writing more in my diet booklet. I need to decide on what other exercise to do. Any suggestions?

I LOVELOVELOVE having a converter on my phone! So I can specially change my weight from stones to pounds, its increadible. I love it. Its so fun! AHAHA!!

Oh wow... My BMI is 23.8! I swear before I was 26.something! WOO!! Ha! I'm quite happy now.

Although I still want to lose 26 pounds. I hate being Nearly 11 stone. I'm such a perfectonist and so analytical now! Its insane! I swear English has set this off as I've have to analyse everything that passes my reading grip. Shows I can be determined when I want to be. Specially since no one listens or supports me. They can all die in Hell for all I care now. They want me to be fat, obviously. Not gonna happen.

I'm having really bad cravings. For chicken (Though I've been a vegetarian for nearly a year) and Spicy things, yet I cant face eating a vegetarian curry (large portion as my mum always puts on my plate) with white rice. I might ask to change it to the healthier rice, then hav a small bit of curry. Ohhhh lush!

Tomorrow I'm planning a jog. Then on my return to pick flowers to make everyone at home think I'm in a good mood. Paha!

Shall be watching embarrasing bodies XD God some of the stuff on there is actually GROSS with all capital letters.You know, its shocking how many times I've gotten up to pee whilst writing this blog! Thanks to all the water I'm consuming! Freezing cold water too (woo! Burning calories).

I'm also going to try and help out my Gran some more (She's just has a hip replacement so can't do much.) as I helped her once and she gave me a fiver (Result!) and I need some mroe money. It just makes me feel more secure for some reason. Ah, back to my issue about control! Everything I do seems to revolve around my lack of control and finding ways to get some kind of control. God, I'm even self analytical of both my physical appearance and of whats going on inside my head. The underlying issues. I think too much, thats why!

Ahh should get to sleep sometime soon...

Nothing else to say for the moment either

Except

MY STOMACHS STILL GRUMBLING!

baii :)

x

New Set Of Determination [16]

Right, New Determination.

This Month I hope to lose 5 pounds at LEAST!

Since I haven't been to school most the week, I need to start doing more. Its just I'm a lazy bitch and turned down going to the gym this week because I was too depressed. Next week I shall see if Mum wants to go to the gym or not, and in time of Nothing-To-Do I should do sit ups. I haven't done them in a while. Haven't watched t.v in a while either. Also I want to go and pick somemore flowers, make the house smell nice and all that.

I need to stick to my diet again. Shall start that tomorrow and not eat anything else today. Not even hungry at the moment.

I should clean my room... The most I need to do is put some clothes away, some in the washing and put my school books away. And some magazines too.
Theres something I can do tomorrow. Get out all the exercise and diet pages and put them somewhere, like in a folder or on the wall. Or make a huge thinspo on my wall.

Yeahh...

Sounds like fun.
I need to get a bin to put all the random paper thats lying around to recycle. I'll Do that in a second.

Right Thats About All Todayy

Bye All :)
x

4 week Updatee [12]

Hey Mon Babiess ;)
LOL
rightyy
heres the shizzlee

Weight: 10stone 12 pounds
before: 11stone 2 pounds
all together: 4 pounds!!
RESULT!!

Current Measurements
Waist: 31 inches
hips: 36 inches
thigh: 19 1/2 inches
calf: 13 1/2 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 34 inches
bust: 38 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 8 1/2 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

Oridginal
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches
Again. RESULT!!!
YESSS
haaaaaaaaa <3
righty i think thats all..
urm
bubii ;]
x

ish mish. [11]

right yesterday i was too angry to eat [big ol' situation about im 'not just a fucking bitch im a fat fucking bitch', went off the walls, hit a few things ect..]

so i didnt eat yesterday

ate loads today however. depressive eating. coz basically my dogs gonna die.

went to the gym tho. but deffinetly ate more than i burned.
am going to townio tomorrow. need to get my friend a birthday presant and keep me out of the house. its easier to stay away from food when you hav to pay for it.

sunday i might go for an early walk [whenever i wake up] then weigh, measure and photograph mon fat self :/ christ.

if iv gained that pund back ill be pissed.
i only did 20 minutes at the gym but pushed myself.
on the bikes i alternated between 8 secs of reli fast peadaling and 12 secs of normal for 10 minutes
on treadmill i built up speed to 6.5 mph then went down a little then carried on getting slower for five minutes after the 10 minutes

i reli shouldnt eat breakfast. it makes me want more food.
iv been keeping busy by taking down all my posters on the walls and throwing out the ones i dont want anymore. but im not putting them back up coz it means effort and i want them all up when i live with my dad for collage [in a little over a year]

been making endless lists -.- what to do, what to get, what to get sorted for when... ect.

fast weekend. hopefully makes up for my shitty diet week.

i must say i think my school trousers [which are skinny leg] feel bigger and baggier. i can pull it away from my waist [never been able to do that before] and theres loads of excess space in the leg parts now. could be the wash or maybe i reli am losing weight..
heyyy ^-^

iv developed a compulsion to read or try to find the nutritional value chart on all foods. which is good then i know what im eating.

uhh.

[give up with numbers] # I Dont Care Who Says It, It Just Proves Its Not All In My Head. I Really Am Fat And Im Not Good Enough For Anyone.

i need to drink more water. im like dying. iv had 2 bottles and a can of coke zero [which has one calorie which is pretty amazing]

tomorrow i might let myself have the 20 blue berries that have been in my fridge for a couple of days. they might go off other wise and itll keep my body going for longer. then more water <3

corr..
tough work this getting thin thing aint it?

one last thing.
im gonna put thinspo on my blogs except the ones with my photo progress on.
so WOOP
lots of pretty skinny girls on my blog to motivate me

bye all ;)
x

here come crazy PSYCHO BITCH! [10]

here's a little thinspo pic that i like :)
they have REALLY nice legs! <3

but anyway.

binged again -.-

fucks sake

its coz i was stressed in the i-must-eat sorta way -.-
well ill burn off extra tomorrow and eat blue berries and raspberry's tomorrow

i have p.e tomorrow too so there's quick calories gone. also the fags I've been having coz of the stress. fuck me.
done some yoga ish stretches today too. well like a second ago. coz i ache ALOT.

I've lost a pound. i measured this morning at 10 stone 12 pounds [YESSSSS!!]

okay I got home and i wasn't hungry then i had a jacket potato and i wanted toast and chocolate spread then had several digestive biscuits and chocolate -.- obviously my body likes the carbs and whatever chocolate is set as. but they are now CUT from the diet. even though theres a new loaf of brown bread I'm in love with..

i walked home again today though. yeah that's about all...

I can feel my little alter getting weaker coz I keep stuffing my fat face :/at the moment i really need her and my other one Syke or i may have a full on breakdown.

oh my god i really need a house party to go too. i have so much energy pent up that i need some way to release it. hm. or a concert :L i dance like mad at those! OMG in collage i can go to loads!that'll help me lose weight in a couple of years. reminds me, i need to think about packing, what I'm gonna take to my dads flat when i go to collage. i have a little over a year to do that though so its all good.

righty must be off. have nothing else to say XD
x

Fuckin' Hell.. [9 or so.]

i was too busy yesterday to blog. :/ sorry.

i must say that if i get anymore stressed and frustrated then i will either become obese or skinny. and be a full time smoking addict. and expelled.

but hopefully i can stop myself form eating too much [half the reason i didnt post, i was reli ashamed of myself]

right well breakdown over. decided to go with the chew and spit tacktic of fatty foods. like crisps. did it twice yesterday and licked the taste off of some today too.

but i ate 2 sweets.

i reli need to get a box or something to put all my little sweets that arent gum.

also trying the elastic band theory. hav it on your wrist and ping it when ever you get hungry. mehh. works ish.


i had toast when i got home [150 cals :O i couldnt believe how much in a fucking slice of bread!] and a cup of grapes [114 cals :/] and an orange this morning [62 cals] which is about...

326 cals.
fuck.
went over the daily ammount im allowing myself.
its better than yesterday tho
the chocolate spread didnt even hav the nutritional values on -.-

but will be getting strickter. and sneekier.

must remember to take crisps and shit to school make mum think i ate that.
then eat whatever my afternoon meal is through the 2 1/2 hours until i cant eat. [6:00 is my time limit] i think i worked off alot tho. relay in p.e was tiring so that should hav done it, if not then my walk home would hav helped too.

and the fags yesterday. since they apparently burn calories.

but fuck me. im such a pig.
i dont wanna take pictures next sunday :/ or monday depending on spare time i hav...

iv written everything out. exercises, food, extra calorie burners [which iv also done alot of]...

i think tomorrow ill live off of 2 bananas.
then tell my mum i ate crisps... and toast.. hm..

huh.. according to a rough estmate thanks to an online calculator i am burning 4,306 calories. well today. cool.

#6 I've Never Had Control, I Want It And I Dont Care How.

thats about it reliiiiiii
so yah
fuck my life as usual
x

AHHHH FUCKING BINGINGG!! [7]

omg.
right.
NO MORE BINGING.
NO VARIATION FROM MY ORIDGINAL DIET!!

right well iv gained 3 pounds :( thanks to the chocolate and other food.

so im making a drastic and strict change to my diet.

weekends i will fast.
in the week i can vary what i hav from my oridginal diet.
and try to fast on wednesdays too.
and im allowed the occational boiled egg.

NO chocolate
NO fast food
NO ready meals
NO big meals in general
NO potatoes or cereal anymore

cals in the food im going to eat.

boiled egg = 90 cals
apple = 81 cals
cucumber = 24 cals
banana = 108.5 cals
orange = 62 cals
carrot = 26 cals
1 cup strawberries = 43 cals
1/2 red pepper = 16 cals
20 blueberries = 16 cals
10 rasberries = 24 cals
1 cup grapes = 114 cals
1 cup lettuce = 7 cals

im going to try and keep my daily calories to 300 or less. and burn 1000 a day hopefully. then i should lose weight easily. i really need to start not eating the dinner my mum makes.

Ive done my masurements too..
Waist: 32 inches
hips: 36 1/2 inches
thigh: 20 1/2 inches
calf: 14 inches
ankle: 9 inches
underbust: 35 inches
bust: 39 inches
upper arm: 11 1/2 inches
forarm: 9 inches
wrist: 7 1/2 inches
neck: 13 1/2 inches

gonna start moisturising and dancing in my room at weekends coz i can tell my skin needs the moisture :/ and all that jazz. so hopefully ill lose this extra weight this week...
*crosses fingers*

#[cant remember what number..] I'm A Hazzard To Myself. Only I Know That.

yess well wish me luck >.<

x

Cocolate is the DEVIL!! [6]

hm well iv been swaping and changing what im eating -.-

and not finishing alot of my food.


i really need to drink more water, im getting dehidrated and really hungry. WATER IS GOD CHOCOLATE IS THE DEVIL. mehhh
iv been craving chocolate too. i just ate about 6 pieces.. i need to remember to drink the healthy hot chocolate for my cravings. and more milk and shizzle to make me grow another inch or two. -.- im like RIGHT on the boarder of being classed as short in the modelling world [who knows what i wanna do when im older] so another inch or two would be great for me :) my ideal height is 5'10 anyway. three inches taller than i am now.


so im adding eggs to my diet. and milk coz the protine and calcium makes the bones bigger and stronger meaning ill grown taller. and some exercises. must sit up straight too =.=

Mon lovely friend Em complimented my legs today :) aparently i have lovely legs ^_^ wow! right im in the mood for some milk... ill get some in a bit, when im done here.

iv not been keeping to my diet too well but iv been keeping to the timing well. not eating after six. ahh... i duno what to dooooooo!! help meee :(

#3 I Think That If I Lose That Little Bit More Weight, You'll Love Me That Little Bit More.

well im off.
must keep moving some more.. *sigh*
wish losing weight was easy -.-

oh well.
x

AHHHHHHHHHH

okay todays diet went well

then my friend shoved some chocolate down my throte. and i had a bowel of special k. but thats not so bad, only coz the 2 bananas i ate didnt reli fill me up and so i thought 'well lets go for something healthy'

but now my mum has accused me of being bulimic. WTF.

she asked what i was having for dinner and i said my cereal. then she sed 'oh really well are you going to throw it up after?'
honetly.
what in fuck.
'well youre not eating so its all a bit suspisious' ???? hows not eating bulimic?? thats anorexic. god i do hate me mother sometimes. i reli need a proper therapist.
she was all 'well iv been there before i kno the signs' -.- just coz her friend was bulimic at school DOES NOT MEAN SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EDs!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK!!!!

i had p.e today. sprinting. so burned alot of calories im guessing.

planning on having a fag on thursday. with my lovely friend CRAIIIIIIIGG! <3 hes amazing reli. and smoking burns calories rightt??

oh yes and iv been fidgeting all day and didnt eat a wham thingy earlier.

proudd! :3

AIMING FOR SIZE 10!! hell yeah.

i could do with some support. :/ i really want to lose weight! AHH

might start putting secrets on these things. related to this obviously.
heres my first

#1 Ever Since You Told Me About Those Other Girls, I've Starved, Counted Calories And Tried To Make Myself Sick.

its true. i have a feeling my mums not far off. i think i might have an ED... hm.

well yeahhh
post tomorrow!
x

i know i know [3]

yess i forgot to post yesterday!

but i did weigh myself. im back to 10 stone 13 pounds! WOOHOO! :D

im doing well today on my diet, although my stomach is growling like crazy!! i would hav drank more water but it tasted rank :/ so i didnt. i need to get a filter.. it might taste better then.

walked home from the bus stop too :) its a lovely day actually :) i want to go out in it but i hav homework -.- bastard teachers.
i kept twiching and fidgeting today, burning even more calories! i didnt even eat my whole apple! Skei and Scam wanted some so i didnt even eat an apples worth of calories and now im slowly munching on cucumber :) im such a good girl! :D hopefylly by the end of the week i will have lost even more weight!! <3 PLEASE!! i dont like being nearly 11 stone -.- better than 11 stone 6 pounds i guess :/ like i was before i started losing weight. after this week i might do a week fast with my friend Hans. just reli to see if we can do it.

hoping by the end of all my dieting ill get to like 8 and a half stone?? id still be in the healthy bmi section aswell so WHOOPEYY! but thats IF i can get there..

well wish me luck!! :D
love x