154.6

Right. I've dropped 5.2 lbs since last Wednesday, but I have a really bad feeling about today that I'm going to gain or something.
I'm so proud of myself that I've managed to lose so match with, reasonably, little effort. Although this next week, starting on my update day, I think I'll bump up the exercise. I may even convince Grace to take me clubbing with her. Although it may be a Tranny bar, but hey, they more dancing the better!

So on my Tumblr blog, I've asked my followers and whoever else to send me messages (which are depicted on a post) so I'll do some exercise. Coz I feel mega guilty for some reason.

I think tomorrow I'll skip breakfast, lunch and have a small dinner of soup then that will be it, to kick start week 2.

I may even log on to Pretty Thin again to find some workouts to do...
Or use some old one's I printed months ago.

hopefully, I'm still losing.

<3

It's not going well...

I can't seem to stick to any diet or fasting ritual I've ever done before. Fuck my life.
I remembered a teacher at my Diploma (Who, admittably, I didn't like) telling us about 'Breatharianism', as her mother-in-law was a Breatharian. Well I did some research (And printed well over 13 pages worth of stuff) and Have decided to give this a try.

I am a Breatharian!
But I'm keeping it quiet. People thought I was weird enough for being Vegan (which did not go at all to plan) imagine what people would say when I say 'I live off Air, Light and the Universe'...
They'd send be straight back into CAMHS.

I'm also going to try and get on the tread mill more often. I'm bordering on 160lbs again (and that was a few days ago at the beginning of my binge.) and I don't like seeing it. I don't like feeling my tighs and belly jiggle when I walk. Seeing as I don't go to school at the moment except for exams I should find exercise easy to fit into my life now. Wrong. But I have been going out a lot and walking basically everywhere, which (If I can stop fucking eating) will make me skinny.

Prom is about a month away.
ONE MONTH to at least begin to fix this mess I've made of myself. Then another month to make me skinny for my Drama course. Sharing a mini-apartment with 4 other girls, I may kill myself if I'm not skinny.

My mum's having a BBQ at the moment. I'm being anti-social as I don't know or want to know anyone outside. And I'm tired. And the weather is shit. Quelle Suprise.

I'm also looking into Gym classes at the local Health Centre. For the days I don't leave the house, this would be good. I find classes more motivating anyway... I can't exercise on my own anymore unless I'm in a blazing mood.

This was my fitness and diet update really... No social life crept in this post! XD
If a certain someone doesn't see me tomorrow then I'll post (maybe), if he does... I'll post later (maybe).
I'm unreliable.
I hope you're all doing well. I still haven't caught up :/ I will get round to it sometime!!

Stay strong everyone!
Sending out virtual luuuurve <3
Kodii
x

Greetigs To My Lovely Friends Who Understand Me More Than My Real Life Friends Do...

It's been too too long. I apologise. 3 months nearly, Corrr...
I had to take time for myself. I felt ashamed (as you do when you gain 20lbs in 2 months) and couldn't face coming back. I was also trying to distract myself from Skeii (Who, as it turns out, wants me back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!).

Heres an over view.
I got with Skeii's friend, Jed. (I am changing peoples names again coz I'm annoying.)
I'm smoking A LOT. And so is Manny.
I'm cutting again. Becase I got so desperate that I decided to use a knife until I found a lose razor blade which is my best friend.
I got with some dude... cringe.
I'm hopfully gonna get with this nearly-18-year-old guy called Justin Pike.
I got 37 out of 40 marks on a Diploma project (highest in my class! SCORE!)
I've discharged myself from my out-of-school counselling today.
I'm gonna get a bonzai tree! HAHA
I'm going to Spain in the summer (Ahhhh... Lushh!)
AND.
I am nearly on study leave. (20th May)

Generally, things are better. I know I'm not over Skei but I am working through it with the help of my dearest friend Manny.
And I shit myself when I saw how many followers I now have (even though I haven't posted in forever).
FORTY! AHH!!
Made me happy.

Here's where I become honest about my weight and diet problemo.
I got to 164/165 ish lbs.
I have been starving myself (for the first time since before Christmas) for 2 days.
I'm at 158.6lbs I think?
I have a lot of updating to do, but I am happier because now I can half focus on not eating but not so much that I have to eat. I'm proud of myself today. I feel like nothing can take me down right now.

I feel... Almost Free.

I love you guys. I'm sorry for not commenting or posting or even reading.
I will read the usual lot of blogs I read as soon as I'm finished updating.

Also, If anyone wants to be an e-mail buddy in case I dissapear again, contact me at: crazyxangel@hotmail.co.uk

I feel Powerful.
x

Confession Before A Final Perminent Turn, Hopefully For The Better...

Hey All.
Okay, the main reason I haven't been posting is that, well, I'm having a pretty shitty time in the life of Kodi.
.
Gained like a mother bitch.
155lbs.
Yes. Over 11 stone. I feel absolutely disgusting. Fatty McFatterson.
.
Yesterday I had the worst knock to my confidence I could ever imagine. Me and my mum went to look at this Prom dress shop she saw in BH. I picked 3 dresses to try on (around about size 10, I knew they wouldn't fit because I can never fit into a size 10 dress around my huge tits)...
After finding out, yep, they didn't fit, The shop assistant asked my mum if I was a size 14. A size 14. I could have cried right there in that shop. I refused to cry there though. I held it in. All the way home, even when I was getting dressed into gym gear, even most of the time I was pushing myself (harder than normal) on the treadmill... then the smallest thing pissed me off, sending me over the edge. I burst into tears on the floor next to the treadmill whist it was still going. I think I cried for a good half an hour at least. I did 0.9 miles. I got back on after my cry. I couldn't handle doing anymore so went back inside the house... where I stuffed my face with mostly bread and butter.
At this current moment in time I cannot control my binges. Although, thanks to my Green Tea habit, it doesn't seem to stay in my stomach for long.
I've been trying to get the least bit on track but It all goes arses up as soon as I get home from school. The Porridge calls to me...
.
Tomorrow I am finally starting the Ballerina diet. Minus most of the exercise.
I shall have half a grape fruit for breakfast, and apple at school, a low fat yogurt after school and a large cup of home made soup for dinner. I have to do this. I have to loose this weight for prom. Just in general I need to loose this weight before I decide I'm not gonna try anymore and do something stupid. I'm going to aim for 2 miles on P.E days, 0.5 miles on non-P.E days and as long as possible on weekends.
.
I hate being this way. I hate feeling the fat wobble as I walk.
I hate everything about me right now.
I could barley face you guys. I'm honestly scared that once you read this you'll leave me because I'm such an embarrassment to have displayed on your 'Blogs I''m Following' list.
.
I hope I can do this. Otherwise I'm going to prom in a suit.
.
Hopefully I'll post again this weekend.
I'm at my mum's boyfriend's house then because I'm going shopping on Saturday. More books you see. I've been reading a lot. I think I've done through about 3 books in a months or so? So I'm getting myself some more. And I'm looking into ordering diet pills online.
.
I wont be catching up on blogs until half term. Its easier that way because I never have free weekends anymore.
.
I love you all.
Please don't leave me? :(
x

Dance With Me In The MoonLight Its So Beautifully Intoxicating...

Awaiting the line. Signalling my turn to shine. Shine out in front of plenty of people. Friends and strangers. Here it is...
'In the prison cell with Joseph were two very frightened men'
Stepping out from behind the curtain, we clutched onto each other in false fear... and began to sing. Descending the stage onto the black platforms to join the 11-year-old star. Looking out into the crowd, seeing every one's focus directed on us. Everyone slightly obscured by shadow, whilst I was lit up in dazzling stage lights.
.
My solo.
.
Everyone was watching me. I was so interesting. It was like a dream. My heart was thumping against my chest, my stomach began to ease from the knot it had previously twisted into. Adrenalin. Now I remember why I love performing.
They laughed at my comic expressions, clapped and cheered as Act 1 came too a close.
One. Last. Line.
'You and your dream coat are ahead of your time..'
I put all my remaining energy into that final line, singing as loud as I possibly could to be noticed again. The lights went down. The hall was over come with applause! Cheering!
.
I could not believe that was it. Its all over.
.
Yesterday evening was the closing night of the Christmas show. It was brilliant. I weighed myself at 147.4lbs. At least now I don't have to buy diet pills for Christmas. I This whole show experience had reminded me of how much I missed being on stage, singing and acting. I did this on absolutely no food. I did drink some soup the previous day but I don't believe that counts. I haven't eaten since Monday. I don't think the 16 mints count as food. They are simply to sustain my energy whilst I worked in the dark room at Diploma.
.
I feel so good.
.
I swear I shall not eat until I am lovely! I shall be 10 stone by New Years. (I've lost 3lbs in the past couple of days so as long as I keep my activity up, I'll keep loosing.)
I have faith in myself for once. I believe I can be 10 stone for New Year. Not eating isn't as much of a mission as I thought! I've easily dodged eating chocolate biscuits offered from my teachers, or I've taken them and fed Skei with them. I feel so pleased with myself. I've also convinced my father that I will have soup for Christmas dinner because I am a vegetarian, and I 'only like soup' ;) Hahaha! I don't know why I struggled so hard before to just not eat! I guess I just haven't been busy enough! I love shows, they keep you busy, keep you active. I'm going to try and do more over the 2 weeks holiday. However. I hate winter. With a passion. My toes are always frozen, in turn, making me walk like an utter spazz. But I honestly must go out more. I shall force Skei UP and OUT of my bed and we will have fun outside my house for once. Also, I feel the need for tidying coming on. My room is a state. But I'm also shattered from the lack of sleep and the fact I went to bed at 3 this morning because I was finishing work. I then woke up at 7:10am.
.
So I'm likely to clear my bed, take some drugs to knock me out, and wait for pleasant sleep to take over me!
.
Oh, and is it normal to feel nothing? Like at all? The only thing I've felt in weeks was the Adrenalin rush from the show. Now I don't know if its possible for me to feel anything anymore.
.
Huh, I guess I'll have to ponder that!
.
'His little whispers love me' - Meg & Dia - Monster

100th Post? o.O

Hulloo

(Who likes my Drawing? Far right)
For starters. I'm not at 140 yet. I'm about 3 pounds away.

But I've been away so long I though I'd give you all the brief update.

.

The guys?

Skei. Apparently he still likes me after telling me he hates me, that I should move on and that I make him sick. The worst part is... He likes my friend Hol. And I'm still madly in love with him.

Capelin. Yes, the one at the bottom of my people list. apparently, he's liked me fore 5/6 weeks. I pulled him at the bonfire. And some more the next day. Buuut I told him we shouldn't go out, its a bad time for me.

J. He's another one of my/Skei's friends. We flirted alot in the first 2 weeks of mine and Skei's break up... although the other day he said that if he talks about having sex with me in our conversations, he's joking. then he basically back tracked himself by saying it might be awkward if we did fuck buuut he might sleep with me. Who knows.

FINALLY.

T.W or Whitt... I think I'll call him Whitt. ANOTHER friend of Skei's. (I know, Skei has alot of friends who wouldnt mind fucking me.) He basically planned us sleeping together. I asked him this question (if we were both drunk and you had the chance to fuck me, would you?) first he didnt answer (probably coz I was with Bambi.) so I asked him again and he said, 'Yeah I probably would' I said I'd keep that noted somewhere in the back of my mind. He asked if I was going to this bonfire... and I said yeah and probably a bit tipsey. He says 'I live in NW' (NW is gonna be my code for that town XD) I was like (mistake alert) 'I probably wouldnt say no'

I meant that as a joke.

But that bonfire is tonight and I have no one to go with.

Skei has apparenlty started smoking more pot and sniffing cocaine because of me.

Brilliant...

He used to shout at me non stop on Facebook, but now has decided theres no point (and even APOLOGISED for shouting and for his friend shouting at me :o .. ) and he actually believes that I feel increadibly bad.

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling anxious. I've been getting increasingly anxious over the past month, enough to make it difficult for me to breath, I can feel my heart pumping horribly fast and hard, and I shake. I think I have an Anxiety Disorder.

If Skei tells me in the next week that he deffinetly still likes me, I'd like to try 'us' again. Its frustrating, coz I know he was the main reason that I tried to kill myself, but with him, I experienced life... I truely am in love with him. and If he decides he doesn't want me, then I'm going to become a whore and fuck his friends. End of story.

I've planned my route. I'll be going down a long road of self distruction. Yesterday I nearly bought razors and diet pills but the razors said 'do not sell to under 18s' and I was like fuuuuck. and the diet pills just made me anxious. I'm still taking laxatives. I keep binging on shitty food, then not eating. Hopefully now that I've got orange juice again, I'll stop binging. Its the sugar my body needs.. :/

Only 3 more pounds then I'll be back properly. I'll try and catch up on your blogs after then.. :/ sorry I havent read any. I've been trying to distract myself with things that I can physically do. Sorry :/

I hope you're all well.

Sorry for the absence.

The next post will be the thing to do before I die.

Or things to do to make me die faster...

one of the two.

I have to do coursewrok too :/

I couldnt be arsed yesterday.

I love you

x

Oh, I cut my hair too !

Taking A Break For Myself.

I officially have nothing left to lose.
Me and Skei are officially broken up. Yeah I know.
.
I've accepted it, its just going to be difficult to live knowing he no longer loves me, and its all my fault.
I also feel like a failure right now, I'm still in the 140's and I cant stand it.
.
I'm going to take a break from posting for a while, to get myself together, lose until I get into the 130's, then I'll be back.
Currently fasting my imperfections away. It does help being completely numb and somehow heartbroken, fasting is giving me something else to focus on.
.
Maybe I'll get myself a re-bound.
Maybe I'll get into a new relationship.
Maybe I'll turn to drink and drugs to help ease my pain.
Fuck knows.
I'm just going to see where the world takes me.
.
I'll be back.
Wish me luck once again, on my little journey to find myself.
x

Confessionnnnnnn :/

Right I cant tell you everything, coz A) I don't remember everything and B) I need to be careful of what I say seeing as Skei follows my blog (sure he hasn't been on in a life time but I really dont want to fuck up my chances with him... Again)
.
Okay, I'll start by saying.
I went to the bonfire. I didn't meet up with Manny, I brought Alcohol, I dressed like a slut (for me anyway) and met up with a friend I haven't mentioned yet (Kayla) and Zaner and This dude I have yet to decide if he's worthy of a permanent name.
I'll just call him B.
I shared my beers and vodka (one bottle of WKD Blue and one of Smirnoff Ice) with Kayla and we put her Gin in this big bottle of Orange tango or something... So we were walking round the theme park, Kayla didn't have a lighter with gas so had to find a slag to light her fag for her XD, I got a couple of tokes (OMG I MISS CIGARETTES) I was immensely light headed, which is why I love cigarettes.
we had some gin with Tom W (I know a lot of Toms, So I'll think of a proper name for him some time...)we were rather tipsy and tried to find a toilet, decided against the porta loos considering... they. didn't. flush.
Ergh.
Seriously Sick.
.
We ended up getting lost! I mean wtf! We were aiming for McDonalds but found a pub to use their toilet XD we tried to get back to the fair, had to ask a taxi driver and a fat man how to get there and Tom had to leave or he'd have no lift home.
Me and Kayla were strolling along, tipsily and all lesbianish. We got back to her house (tah much to my muuum -.-) along with B and Zaner.
Well guess what.
I DRANK MORE. I GULPED down vodka and lemonade and gin and orange tango and gin and coke. I was totally wasted. I realised this morning HOW MUCH I spoke about Skei. I was topless at one point (with my bra on too) and have a love bite on my boob from Zaner. Me and Kayla ended up sleeping in her sister's bed, completely out of it.
.
Now thats what I call pissed.
That was not disappointing. I couldn't even sit upright! I was swaying and going to the bathroom to drink water (coz I'm smart enough to know that if you drink enough water, you wont be sick or have a hang over).
.
I slept about 2-3 hours.
I was awake in the early morning for about 2-3 hours thinking. YES. ABOUT SKEI.
Honestly, I need to last this one more week, until he comes over mine next Sunday like he promised as a birthday thing. He said he'll get me a present. Something Tom said though... I thought Skei stopped weed, or at least tried to cut down, according to Tom... He thinks he still does it daily...
Well at least I keep up my brilliant 'I can find out anything you hide from me'-ness...
How depressing.
.
But today after everyone woke up (Zaner is having similar problems with her boyfriend :/ how unfortunate) Zaner and B left for food coz Kayla had basically none in her house.
SHE HAD SOUP FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!
HAHAHA
But later, we went up the shops and got a packet of biscuits each (I ATE A WHOLE PACKET) And a little bag of chocolate buttons we shared. And I met her dad and we ate at KFC (:/) I had fries and a milkshake to be polite...
When I finally got home... I weighed myself before my shower (I probably stank of Gin and fags) I weighted.....
.
147
I Was So Fucking Shocked. I drank so much, including non-diet fizzy drinks, ate a whole packet of biscuits with chocolate on them, some chocolate buttons, fires with tomato sauce and a milk shake.
And I barley gained a pound?
WHOOPDEY DOO!
But I still hate myself, my relationship with Skei, and my constant (almost bipolar) moods.
And After all thats happened, all I got was sleeping pills, which didnt work.
OH.
Before I forget. Skei's cousin was FUCKING TEXTING ME! WTUF! I've never even met that cousin and he was like, 'I've been hearing things about you' and it took so fucking long for him to say 'you two shagged'. What the Utter. Yes, and? I've been with him for a year... I'm pretty sure I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! And he's fucked plenty of other chicks, so why do you decide to pick on me? And how the fuck did you know!?
.
Life.
Sucks.
ARSE.
.
It's so confusing. I need to sleep for like 3 days.
Thanks for that comments btw.
Next weekend Kayla's coming round (Friday to Saturday) and we're gonna get drunk, rave and she's giving me a present. (she gave me an awesome lighter that when you click the flame on, LIGHTS FLASH! And there's this little light at the other end! But that's not my present XD)
.
And for the next week, I'm living off of liquids.
Nothing for breakfast (maybe juice)
No Lunch (I'll have water)
Soup for dinner.
.
I refuse to eat properly until I have things sorted out with Skei.
This is the only way I can hurt myself now.
I cant find my FUCKING RAZOR.
DAMN IT!
.
G'Bye.
I do love you.
I love people I hate more than I love myself...
x

Good Girl? Okay?

I'm in a lesbian mood today... I think its because of my period? Do you guys get that? Or am I just extremely weird? XD
.
Yet another body I am jealous of!
Although my best thinsperation is at school. Some girls are just grotesque (ehem.. Kitty) And I feel normal sized (or at least in proportion compared to them) and some random compliments occasionally XD
Like 'You have really nice legs!'
Tbh.. isn't that a weird thing to say? 'I want your legs!'
Okayy... well I'm not giving them to you?! o.O
HAHA! Even worse one I get, 'I want your boobs!'
Err, sure you do?! x.x
.
Oh yes, I'm a good girl. I've actually STARTED doing the coursework I was given before summer XD
Done one piece, started reading 'Lord of the Flies'. Apparently its a gruesome book (Says my Gran XD) about kids turning cannibal... well lets hope it puts me off my lunch!! :D
.
But I haven't made corrections for my Citizenship. I might just ask Carpet (my Mum's boyfriend XD) to do it as he's the one basically writing it for me haha!
.
OMG.
I'm nearly 16... o.O
Feels so weird! Unfortunately I cant drive... but I can FUCK! XD Paha! And I'm applying for some type of ID so I can go to concerts with out needing to take my facking(that mistake is on purpose ;]) passport with me! WOO! And I signed up for a Tesco clubcard... I'm so cool! XD I've got all sorts of soppy cards for saving money at places now! All in preparation for living with my Dad for two-three years! o.o I have so much I need to move out though! But I'm gonna be nice and let my mum keep some DVDs I have XD lovely ain't I? Oh and I'm gonna let her take a picture of me on the morning of my first day starting year 11(My final year!!)... Coz her and my Gran always complain they don't have any pictures of me at my age. Well duh!
I'm a teenager, we stay away from family camera flashes!
Ha, teenagers are like Vampires or Owls.
Owls.
We sleep all day coz we were up all night on the computer or (the ones who have a social life) partying.
I'm the computer one. Obvs. -.-'
.
My back huuurts :( GAY PERIOD.
Oh... Irony.
If you don't get it then look what I said at the beginning of this post!!
.
Faack I rambled alot today!!
OHOHOH
List for today.
3 random facts about yourself!
1- I read all of my blog posts at least twice. Once before I post and once after.
2- I have an Anorexic friend I intend on fattening up when school starts coz she's been in hospital too many times. Makes me sad. I promise its a good thing XD
3- I never had any imaginary friends as a kid. My toys were my friends. TT_TT
.
Okay there's mine!
I hope you don't leave me coz of how weird they are XD
I lave you!
Oh btw...
.
.
.
You're all beautiful!
Or hot if you're a guy XD
x

Errrr?

Okay.
Please. Someone SHOUT AT ME I'M A BAD BAD GIRL!!
.
I suck at fasting -.- Caved into a cookie (thanks to Skei) and just pigged out on Mac and CHEESE??!!
My God I'm A HUUUUUGE FATTIE!!
.
So.. Shout At me!
.
I WILL FAST FOR 4 DAYS THOUGH!!
=.= (Determined face)
.
Uhm... Right well.
To new followers who haven't bothered to read my character list: I may be getting checked out, but I cant and wont say yes as SKEI is my boyfriend. Just thought I'd clear that up! Incase people didn't know!
Oh and I made a character name mistake last time x.x T and G... No.. Its T and Gaz. Sorry guys XD
.
I did my first yoga class todayy!!
It sucked.
It was full of old people who could do MORE THAN ME!
WTF! I'm supposed to be flexable? Fucking hell do I hurt!
.
*sigh* Well heres my food plan.
I shall fast for 4 days (til monday) And then move onto my version of Skinny Girl Diet! Basically I halfed the calories so I'd eat less shit and be forced to eat fruit!
Thats like... 3 ish weeks long... I keep forgetting where I left my booklet with it in so I'm not sure. But I WILL FAST =.=
FASTFASTFASTFASTFAST...
I just realised if you type fast wrong it could be 'Fats'
Ironic.
.
I've also set up exercises to do each day on my SGD so hopefully I'll loose weight FAST
See what I did there?
No? Okay.. :(
.
.
Oh God, I dont want school to start in about 2 and a half weeks!! I have course work to do and a book to read for English! GAHH!!
.
But I CBAAAA!!!
Coz, as you all know...
I'M A LAZY FATTIEEE!!
WOO
RUN FATTIE RUN!!
GAHHH!!!
.
I have no lists for you... I'll think of one!!!!
*thinks*
Top 3 people you couldn't live with out!!
1Skei.. (feel special BIYATCH)
2Mannyy XD
3All those sexy people out there! My Thinspo's basically XD
.
Spaz list :3
I'll leave before you get TOO scared of me
Again
I'm sorry! I'll stop!
x

I Am SPARTAAA! Oops.. I Mean Ill. [50 something]

My God. I haven't posted in donkey's years!
O.O
Okay.. a few days.. but still.
.
HEY!
I'M FINALLY AWAY FROM THE EX BULIMIC!!
WHEYHEYYY!!!!!
AAANND
I convinced my mum I'm perfectly fine and do not have bulimia...
*grin*
.
BUT I got ill.
*boo hiss!*
And I got myself another apointment at the doctors to hopefully speed up the waiting list at that mental health place.
-I still see and hear things that arent there
-I've tried to kill myself some more
-I've cut myself some more
-I inflict pain on myself when I'm pissed off (usually head butting walls..)
-high street pills DONT HELP WHAT SO EVER
-I officially hate everything
-I officially dont care about my own safety
-I still cant sleep
.
So the conclution is:
Gimme some fucking pills and send me to a psychiatrist. Fiona specifically asked if there was a psychiatrist at this mental health place and I was like 'I have no idea', she said that she has/had ( i cant remember which) one and it really helped.. I'm guessing its different to counselling?
.
Oh yeah my weight has been fluctuating between... 10st 10 lbs (150lbs) and 10st 5 lbs (145lbs) which pisses me off. I am on the SG diet though...
Wish me luck considering I'm such a fat slag.
.
Oh I was told something strange by Skei the other day... That loads of people tell HIM that I'M pretty. Thanks for the notice. Why do people tell everyone else that they're gonna beat me up or that I'm pretty and dont gove me the news? Half the people I dont even talk to, a third I've never met, One I've only met a few times and the last time I saw him I was soaking wet from the rain and the others were friends who occationally say I'm pretty or have NEVER told me that. And apparently Skei's bestfriend Tomis in love with me.. Well I doubt he's in love with me but hes a really great guy who I've let groap me and I've kissed before... The groaping was before I went out with Skei and I was trying to cheer him up XD hahahaa I have weird ways of cheering people up!

Huuh... Well I'm done. I'm bored.
I might ditch school again tomorrow.
Depends.
I LAAAAVEE YOUU
and to the new followers
WELCOME BITCHES
We should get drunk sometime!
Ignore that.
I lave you anyway XD
x

Ballerina's Gone Wrong [52]

Christ.
I hate my Mum. Honestly. She has actually spoken to Fiona about me. My mum is such a cow. Yeah yeah shes worried about me blah blah but really, she shouldn't go round telling everybody that 'I DONT EAT'
.
I fucking do.
at least I pretend to eat for her.
She accuses me of being sick etc. etc.
Sure I've tried to (Very unsuccessfully) but technically I haven't.
.
Right heres the story.
.
Last night me and Fiona got a bit tipsy, but she started talking about having Bulimia before we drank anything. I didn't say a lot, I think I asked something about 'who's we?' and she started talking about 'Beat'. Then went on to asking me if I make myself vomit. The funny thing was that she only used, oh whats the word, politically correct? terms. 'Self induced vomiting'. This was the day I noticed a large number of diet books in her kitchen and Binged on cookies and cream Sunday and spent whenever I went to the toilet, doing star jumps trying to burn some calories off, only to put it back on with Wine and Minstrels.
Where was I before I waffled on??
Oh, yeah.
Well she spoke about when she didn't think she was ill and about recovery and something about how Anorexics and Bulimics have to be intelligent (Obviously) since they have to hide everything they do.
Obviously I'm not smart enough, seeing as I've been found out already. Probably because my mum snoops through my stuff...
But through the whole evening I didn't admit I was bulimic or anorexic (coz I'm not. I'm EDNOS ffs) but she still ended up giving me 2 books on EDs, a number for 'Beat' and said theres more books if I want to have a look at those. We also talked about being suicidal and self harming. I refused to say I cut myself in places other than my arm. She guessed the right places (nearly) but I just didn't want to say, seeing as I've tried to slit my throte before.
She also told me to call the Samaritans? I have their number already along with ChildLine but ChildLines free and I'm not so sure about the Samaritans. I prefer ChildLine anyway, seeing as I'm still a child really.
.
But yeah, I've had a little read through these books, find them boring as fuck. I already know everything there is to know about Eating Disorders. (Thanks to Google and sever boredom before I even obtained my ED, although I researched more into it when I became more suspicious...)
I'm also thinking of taking Psychology in college along with some arty shit. Just coz I'd like to learn about this stuff properly and discuss my view and reasons things like EDs and Depression can occur.
It'd also give me some insight into WHY I do the things I do (both ED related and Non-ED related).
I know this will sound stupid but after this talk, its not going to stop me cutting and all EDNOS business.
Fiona even showed me paintings she did in therapy, feelings of depression and self loathing etc and apparently I was the only person (other than the therapist) to see them (woo). It made me realise I do drawings like that. I once drew me, looking like I was dying, with loads of different demented characters coming out of me and one thats probably common with most people is a drawing of me and all the words I associate with myself (e.g. fat, ugly, pathetic, useless etc.)
.
Summing up?
-Fiona basically knows I have an ED
-I'd like to take Psychology in college
-Fiona's the older double of me
-Fiona's been where I've been
-And I'm still a whale. (145.5lbs)
.
Apologies for the long, slightly depressing post.
I needed to rant about it.
Might go have a look at the other books she has...
.
I do love you guys
don't do a me and try to kill yourself.
talk to someone coz I'd hate someone going through similar stuff to me has died coz no one helped them.
If you dont want help for your ED then get help for depression!!
Depression sucks ass.
Anyway!
I love you :)
x

OMG 3 MONTHS?? [51]

Right. I doubt you all know this, but my birthday is on the 4th October.
Yeah, 3 months away.
Prepare for a melt down...
.
OMFG I'M GONNA BE 16!!!
OMG WTF!
YESTERDAY I WAS TURNING 15 NOW I'M FUCKING 16??
LEAGAL!?!?!?!?!?!
(in the UK I'm leagally allowed to have sex at 16 so PrettyWreck, like you said, SEX ME UP XD)
So get me presants XP
Nahh JK I 'm not gonna give out my address XD
.
But yes. I'm at work experience, The foods shitty I'm forced to eat more than ever and I done have Skei.
.
Warning. Melt down number 2.
I WANT SKEI!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I MISS HIM ALREADY I ACTUALLY CRIED!
.
BUT the plus is I have to get up alot and occationally join in in the little kids classes. And I will soon have a empty house lie in. So I can do exercises when I wake up and ect. ect. and blah blah blahh!
.
I tried to blog this morning, my phone wouldn't let me, so I got my computer/laptop thingy connected tot he internet JUST FOR YOU (jk so I could talk to Skei aswell!)
God facebooks getting into my brain again (you know, all the 'jk' groups?)
.
Huh well today one of the classes I was basically watching was a Grade 5 ballet, and there was this one girl who was so skinny, honestly I'd say she was anorexic, and her name was Anna. I thought that was pretty funny! But yanno, not.
.
Anyway, My multiple personality (Ana, the... Anorexic...) was a little pissed off to see that the real life version of her was blonde, tall and bubbly.
.
.
Thats all.
I promise I'll be skinnier!
<3
x
.
P.S There were around 450 calories in ONE FUCKING SANDWICH!! It wasn't as bad as the ones with meat in, around 500 or more!!

Oh My Foggin' GAWD! [45]

Righty. I thought I MUSTMUSTMUST post now.
Like Right now.
Yeah now.
Okay... NOW!
.
Well, I'm currently fresh out of my cold shower smelling of apples, decided I would have a looky at mon Bloggo and was filled with shock-horror at my followers.
Maraculously, I went from 4 followers to 17!!
*craps herslef and dies*
OMG I FEEL SO LOVED RIGHT NOW!
.
I had a kinda average day and THIS just made me grin like a f'ing crazy person (which I am but thats besides the point!) And felt the urge (Oh-ayee XD) to write for my lovely new follwers!
.
And I'm guessing you all came from PrettyWreck (THANK YOU! I'm like so in love with you right now! XD)
Uhm.. well I guess I should get on with maybe what happened today?
Uh. Nothing.
Yesterday however...
I finnaly got to the
ONE STONE MARK!
YESSSSSSSSSS!
haha! I've lost a whole stone since I started trying to lose this gross jiggly-ness!
And now I have 17 followers (Ima just keep bringing that up XD) I will honestly try harder.
I've been such a lazy cow.
But I'm trying to dicipline myself with exercise.
Wish me luck. Never worked in the past but I'll give it another shot!
.
Now Ima reply to my FIRST COMMENTS LIKE EVER
(haha I sound so lonely!)
.
@See
Hey thats awesome! I know actually I've noticed theres not really many girls who're 15 who log this stuff... but I find that awesome XD coz I'm sad ;) and OMG its so annoying right? ahahaa I have so many sexy ladies (okay just random advert girls) all cut out but cba to stick them on my wall yet and other stuff which I'll need glue for! Ima bother my mother until she gets some. :D
x
.
@Peridot (G+P)
Wow, I'm really gonna have to thank her XD I haven't gotten round to actually commenting on her blog yet >.< I should be ashamed! and Faaack! Someone is actually reading my WHOLE blog! Oh My Aunty Mary. I dont have an Aunty Mary btw XD. and I'm not too sure what you mean by 'scarred with my usual tom-foolery' but sure! I'm an only child so feel free to sibling me up XD and Thankd XD I say alot of weird things like Corr :D you'll see haha! Yeah I can guess.. I suck at spelling is all XD I'm 5'7 an can kick someone who's about 6' ish in the face ^-^ I used to do it years ago but stopped haha lazy cow XD
x
.
Right
Too my new and old(ish) bloggers.
Corr blimey XD
I LOVE YOU!!
x

Stupid Bloggers fucked up how many posts I've done! [44]

Hello Beautiful people!
(i.e. four whole followers!)
I'm a little proud that I have 4 followers XD
.
Today, I've been a good girl. I had soup for lunch and will have soup for dinner! I've done most of my German homework, and also prepared something to give to Skei to help him with his German speaking exam on Tuesday so I hope he appreciates it. I've attempted a bit of English work but cba to find the stuff I actually need to finish it!
.
Reasons I've been a bad girl though...
I had ice cream last night thanks to my bloody mother! I haven't even started an assessment for English which is due in two weeks but I have next weekend to cram stuff in. I haven't finished stage 4 for my citizenship class but I'll do that Monday night! I haven't followed my work out thingy but I'll try again next week.
.
Some news:
Me and Manny are starting Tai Kwon Do [sp?] And Li might be joining us. We're doing it every Wednesday for a month at least coz its free for a month XD but I think I might continue it if I find it enjoyable!
I've found this stuff that stops stomach ache, heartburn and shizz like that including bloating! I've been sipping a glass of it since lunch so I hope maybe it'll help?
I'm well on my way to making a full Thinspo book but have currently got no glue ANYWHERE in the house! WTF!
I've spent hours recently cutting out pretty/thin women to stick on my thinspo wall but haven't gotten round to actually sticking them up.
.
Right now my stomach is gurgling!
Win!
I'm probably going to go psycho/OCD on my room in a sec coz its actually disgusting!
See you sexy people on the other side ;)
x

Gimme A Hey, Gimme A Ho, Gimme A I Dont Know You Anymore! [42]

Hey All. Right I have A muddle of things to get through so bare with me!!
.
1) I'm tired. WAY over worked at school. I just wanna pass out for the next two years!
2)I haven't lost anymore weight... BUT I tried the dress on the other day and I can get my arse in the bitch!! But still can zip it right up. And I bought a pair of size 10 [US 6 I think??] short shorts and didn't even have to undo them when I put them on yesterday!
3)I'm barley following ABC anymore. I'll just keep going as I am until I finish ABC then since I've over eaten so much, I'm fasting for a week. Real serious business here!
4)I miss Skei. Even though I saw him 2 days ago. I just miss him. I guess its coz I know I wont see him until Monday... Suckishh.
5) I've ordered a really high-tech pedometer and this weird muscle toner... Haha cop-out I know but I thought I'd give it a go! No harm in that right?
6)I've become OCD with any sweets or gum I find [non chewed gum.. and sweets around the house]. I have designated jars for them now.
7) My feet hurt. I admit, I shouldn't have eaten the mr. whippy, snicker, snicker icecream or anything of that nature that I [for once] didn't swallow whole. I walked a FUCK load today. Like 5 ish miles? Okay, Its alot for me!
8) I really want to go smoke my fag I've had for about a month. It broke in half today and I've loosely fixed it with a whatsitcalled...
9)I've been taking ALOT colder showers than I'm used too. And I think thats why my stomach looks kinda flat even though its all fat! Its gross really...
10) I actually bought a bikini the other day. I'm not gonna wear it any time soon. I need to lose more of this gross belly! Erghh.
.
I think thats it.
I might just annoy you and post again if I remember anything...
But...
I love you.
x

Fat People Porn X.X [41]

First off.
What's up with the title you ask?
Oh yeahh, well someone in PT posted a link to unthinspiration of rather fat women, some with gorgeous faces, but a couple were very fat and ugly, totally naked in porno poses.
ERGHHHH!!!
*shivers*
.
Moving on.
Fast.
Must fast.
I'm also beginning a 5 day week exersice regimine, I can exersice on weekends too if I loke (which I probably will if I'm not weighed down with homework..) but heres the thingy id you wanna try. I'll tell you guys id it works :)
.

Monday

20 sit ups

15 leg lifts

jog in place 30 seconds

40 knee lifts

.

Tuesday

50 jumping jacks

20 bicycla crunches

10 push ups

20 lunges

.

Wednesday

30 minutes of cardion of your choice

.

Thursday

20 mountain climbers

20 star jumps

20 calf raises

10 squat thrusts

.

Friday

jog in place 45 seconds

30 crunches

20 jumping jacks

20 side step toe touches

.
and Skei. STOP READING MOST OF THESE! XD
not for your eyes
Moving on again.
FASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFAST
Goodnight:)
x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

*Sigh* [39]

I want to dissapear into the night.
Do you think I'll get away with that?
I need help.
In all manners.
I need help to stay away from things, I need help with work, I need help with stress, I need help with relationships... I need help with everything.
.
My solutions so far?
For One, Say I'm ill.
For two, getting Skei and my mum to help me with coursework.
For three, 'happy pills'.
For four... nothing. Unfortunetly.
.
My usual solutions are to take pain killers, smoke a fag and cut myself. Probably not the best idea but I couldnt care less.
.
I'm seeing improvements. Even though I'm no my period, I'm 147.5.
.
Yeah I have no enthusiasm today. I'm just annoied that I cant come up with places and ways to meet new people. Prefferably with more guys, coz I get along better with them. I'll have to Google some shit later.
.
I may breakdown before my exams take place from now on. I did before my German speaking. Apparently I got an A.
.
I want a fucking huge box. For all my stuff I dont want my mum to see. With a HUGE lock on it. I need to figure how to earn some money too. Or I shall be fucked. Dunno how. But yes.
.
Sorry, this post has been a bit all over the place in a depressed way.
I'll end this post with something Skei just said about me and my EDNOS.
'I'm worried about it, but I'm happy that its helping you'
Not sure what to think of that one.
x

[38]

I have no social life.
My fucking life is full of obsession.
I have no fucking friends I want to see outside of school.
I have no one I honestly want to see.
I am still not losing fucking weight.
I'm still a pig. Obese. Grotesque.
I'm failing at being a perfectionist.
I'm going to fail my exams.
I'm horribly stressed.
And Dean keeps shoving fucking food in my face!
Fuck. Me.
x