Laxative, Anyone?

Right.
Yes, I have laxatives. My mum knows.
Yes, my mum knows!
Coz I was having so much discomfort from not being able to go...
Seriously, it feels so good! I feel... I dunno, like I'm cleansing my body!
Obviously not, but hey, whatever.
.
the picture (just thought I'd tell you) reminds me of my Anorexic friend... not the style or face, just how fragile her body looks.
I wanna look like that, DAMN IT.
.
I think I'm still at 147/146
Hopefully... I'll lose some this weekend? Next week?
Omg. Speaking of...
I'm 16 in les than 2 weeks.
Fuuuuuuuuuckk
.
I'm about to eat Celery and low fat humous!! Woo!
It's actually quite nice, so was the low fat potatoe salad :)
but I ate that yesterday.
Need to get more, really...
.
Theres a bonfire in a near by town tomorrow.
I was going to drink, but now decided just to keep Manny out of trouble...
Seeing as last year he doesn't remember a thing. And he did some baad stuff...
Well. Kinda.
So it'll be a night of running around, watching fireworks and a big bonfire... Not eating... Hopefully.
.
Achh lifes so difficult, ain't it?
.
Urgh.
Ate too much -.-
Damn cereal.
x

1 Yearrrrrrr :3

Hey 'dere alllllll :)
Guess what day it is.
It'ssssss Myyyyyy
ONE YEAR ANAVERSARY!
With Skei btw XD
.
Apparently he has a present for me but I wont know until the weekend.
Argh. I hate surprises.
.
Oh yes, about my re-weighing thing.
Correction.
I've lost 4.5lbs!!!
WAHAA!!! I've reached the WHOLE STONE MARK.
I will keep it off =.=
.
I also got alot of my exam and coursework results today, or recently.
English Coursework = A
Functional Skills Maths tests = Passed
then the best of them all
Science Test one = 34/34 (C coz I was doing the lower paper)
Test 2 = 33/34 (C again)
I mean OMG! I GOT FULL MARKS AND CLOSE TO FULL MARKS??
NO WAYYYYY!!!
:D
So basically, todays been pretty damn good!
Except the half a curry I just had that made me feel sick and bloated. I feel better after my walk with my Gran though!! Hahahaaa, if I walk with her nearly everyday I'll get skinnier faster! XD
.
the little things you enjoy (as many as you like)
-my morning Coffee
-Reading a good book or magazine every now and again
-the smile Skei gives me
-seeing money in my money jar XD
-Dressing up for a night out or dinner :)
.
Righty. COMMENT! Coz I'm starting to think you all died :(
G'bye!
(Oh and welcome to the 2 new followers :D)
x

Right, Lets Get Down To Bussiness (Again..)

Right, I calculated that if I have a calorie deficite of 1000 per day, I'll get to my UGW of 112lbs in about 4 months and 2 weeks.
.
Sounds easy.
.
But of course it fuckin' aint!
.
.
My stomanch hates me coz the lack of fruit I've been eating So I'm having THOSE issues.
Dont make me spell it out :(
La Toilette -.-'
But I haven't been binging which I think is good. I've been drinking alot of coffee, and changed my milk to skimmed in stead of semi-skimmed. If i drink semi-skimmed, I can now actually TASTE the extra fat in it!! I never thought I'd say something like that!! It's like once I started drink diet coke, I cant stand actual coke. And after eating special K I'd rather eat that than coco pops.. And at one point, I'd rather eat an apple than a piece of chocolate. I need to get back into that.
.
And this is gonna sound really bad, but... I'm kinda gonna fatten the girls up at school...
I know. Thats real bad.
But I cant help it.
As long as the packet of crisps or piece of chocolate isn't in my hands, then I don't care.
I want to be a hot girl!!
(Hense the reason that on my first day back I'm gonna wear a skirt with long black socks...)
.
And I'll be doing the usual take fatty shit and something healthy to school then throw the fatty shit at whoever walks past.
Okay not WHOEVER walks past but whoever wants it.
And I'll have an apple.
Or I might throw that away too...
.
either way, I'm gonna write down MY SGD today which is gonna be in action on Monday onwards.
Oh yah, and I'll be forced to do 90 minutes of activity a week, maybe more. PLus the extra walking.
.
1- 200 + 10 push ups
2- 150 +10 crunches
3- 200 + 1 lap of fields
4- 250 + 3000-4000 steps
5- 225 + 5 laps of stairs
6- 325 + heavy clothes
7- 325 + heavy clothes
8- 200 + 20 leg lifts
9- 150 + 50 crunches
10- 200 + 20 reverse crunches
11- 250 + lap of fields
12- 225 + 2 laps of fields
13- 325 + 5000 steps
14- 350 + 10 push ups
15- 200 + ballet
16- 150 + streaches
17- 225 + ballet
18- 250 + ballet
19- 225 + jog lap of fields
20- 325 + 20 crunches and pushups
21- 350 + streaches
22- 200 + 50 toe touches
23- FAST + streaches
.
I've noticed that most of the Tuesdays have around 150 calories on and I have P.E on Tuesdays. OH WELL!!
Get me used to nearly passing out again!
:/ I kinda miss that feeling. I sometimes get it even though I've eaten.
.
Okay I've rambled enough I think?
gimme some of your appearance goals
-a 2 inch gap between my thighs
-Ribs and hipbones on display
-a 24 or less inch waist
-size UK 6/US 2
.
Thats about it.
I love you all :)
<3

Currently In A Good Mood (I Know SHOCKING!)

Ah, I've decided for the next 4 months and 3 days I'm going to try and get a calorie deficite of minimum 500 calories. Because if I can maintain that minimum for the 4 months and 3 days I will apparently loose EIGHT-TEEN POUNDS!!! And instead of being horrible 150lbs I'd be 132lbs!!
.
So right now I'm going to try the negative-calorie diet until I start school, then I'll go on either MY SGD or the oridginal one! Apparently I burn over 1500 calories just LIVING, so the negative calorie diet for 8 days should be of good use, and when I go on the SGD (which lasts around 20 days) I'll eat lots of fruit and veg especially the negative value ones XD
.
WOOHOO!
I'LL BE SKINNY FOR NEW YEAR!!
.
Oh yes and I told myself to be truthfully honest with you guys about my new (real) measurements. So here we go...
Neck - 13
UpperArm - 11
Elbow - 9.25
ForeArm - 8
Wrist - 6
Bust - 37
Underbust - 34
Waist - 31
Hipbones - 36.5
Hips(ArseArea) - 37.5
Thigh - 18.5
Knee - 13
Calf - 13
Ankle - 8.75
Weight - 150 lbs
.
Is it weird that my neck is the same as my Knee and Calf?? But Woot! I'm loosing inches from my rib area (underbust) before it was probs 38?
But My inches goals to obtain by New Years are only a couple of inches different, and kind of realistic to the goal weight loss and the shape of my body. I think the biggest inch difference in my goals is for my waist at only 3 inches. And my arse area takign away about 2.5 inches so hopefully it'll be do able XD
Does it sound realistic?
.
Meh anyway I'll just leave now :)
Shit... List... x.x
Uhm..
3 current goals you have, doesn't have to be related to weight loss XD
1 lose minimum 15lbs by new years
2 get high grades in my GCSE's
3Get into a good college
.
FIN!
X

I have no idea what number this is... [?]

HELLOO
Christ I swear I'm beginning to get a phobia of the internet...
Actually I've been scared of talking to people on here and PT, I've been convinced that you'd judge me altough I know you wont!
.
Anyway.
HEY I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE MENTAL PLACE... on Tuesday... So yes. Took them long enough, My doctor agreed that I'd need some kind of anti depressant pills! I KNEW THIS WHY'D NO ONE LISTEN. Fucking.. Fucking.. FUCKS.
.
Oh yeah, to Peri and Fat Ballerina, Fannkss :) and Actuallyy... I've never seen that film.. I was ill and my brain was spazzed XD
but I swear I am BACKK!!
.
*sighh* Yeah I felt the need to tell you all that I'm not dead. Yet. And I think the only way I'm going to keep my appetite under control is to only eat one bowel of cereal then nothing but fruit and veg. And I am still waiting for my pedometer to arrive. But until it does I'm gonna have a go at going for a walk everyday considering I'm so lazy and walking is about as much effort I cant currently put in when I'm alone.
.
I swear I keep getting more followers!
Its pretty awesome!
I love you guys :3
x

Oh My Foggin' GAWD! [45]

Righty. I thought I MUSTMUSTMUST post now.
Like Right now.
Yeah now.
Okay... NOW!
.
Well, I'm currently fresh out of my cold shower smelling of apples, decided I would have a looky at mon Bloggo and was filled with shock-horror at my followers.
Maraculously, I went from 4 followers to 17!!
*craps herslef and dies*
OMG I FEEL SO LOVED RIGHT NOW!
.
I had a kinda average day and THIS just made me grin like a f'ing crazy person (which I am but thats besides the point!) And felt the urge (Oh-ayee XD) to write for my lovely new follwers!
.
And I'm guessing you all came from PrettyWreck (THANK YOU! I'm like so in love with you right now! XD)
Uhm.. well I guess I should get on with maybe what happened today?
Uh. Nothing.
Yesterday however...
I finnaly got to the
ONE STONE MARK!
YESSSSSSSSSS!
haha! I've lost a whole stone since I started trying to lose this gross jiggly-ness!
And now I have 17 followers (Ima just keep bringing that up XD) I will honestly try harder.
I've been such a lazy cow.
But I'm trying to dicipline myself with exercise.
Wish me luck. Never worked in the past but I'll give it another shot!
.
Now Ima reply to my FIRST COMMENTS LIKE EVER
(haha I sound so lonely!)
.
@See
Hey thats awesome! I know actually I've noticed theres not really many girls who're 15 who log this stuff... but I find that awesome XD coz I'm sad ;) and OMG its so annoying right? ahahaa I have so many sexy ladies (okay just random advert girls) all cut out but cba to stick them on my wall yet and other stuff which I'll need glue for! Ima bother my mother until she gets some. :D
x
.
@Peridot (G+P)
Wow, I'm really gonna have to thank her XD I haven't gotten round to actually commenting on her blog yet >.< I should be ashamed! and Faaack! Someone is actually reading my WHOLE blog! Oh My Aunty Mary. I dont have an Aunty Mary btw XD. and I'm not too sure what you mean by 'scarred with my usual tom-foolery' but sure! I'm an only child so feel free to sibling me up XD and Thankd XD I say alot of weird things like Corr :D you'll see haha! Yeah I can guess.. I suck at spelling is all XD I'm 5'7 an can kick someone who's about 6' ish in the face ^-^ I used to do it years ago but stopped haha lazy cow XD
x
.
Right
Too my new and old(ish) bloggers.
Corr blimey XD
I LOVE YOU!!
x

Stupid Bloggers fucked up how many posts I've done! [44]

Hello Beautiful people!
(i.e. four whole followers!)
I'm a little proud that I have 4 followers XD
.
Today, I've been a good girl. I had soup for lunch and will have soup for dinner! I've done most of my German homework, and also prepared something to give to Skei to help him with his German speaking exam on Tuesday so I hope he appreciates it. I've attempted a bit of English work but cba to find the stuff I actually need to finish it!
.
Reasons I've been a bad girl though...
I had ice cream last night thanks to my bloody mother! I haven't even started an assessment for English which is due in two weeks but I have next weekend to cram stuff in. I haven't finished stage 4 for my citizenship class but I'll do that Monday night! I haven't followed my work out thingy but I'll try again next week.
.
Some news:
Me and Manny are starting Tai Kwon Do [sp?] And Li might be joining us. We're doing it every Wednesday for a month at least coz its free for a month XD but I think I might continue it if I find it enjoyable!
I've found this stuff that stops stomach ache, heartburn and shizz like that including bloating! I've been sipping a glass of it since lunch so I hope maybe it'll help?
I'm well on my way to making a full Thinspo book but have currently got no glue ANYWHERE in the house! WTF!
I've spent hours recently cutting out pretty/thin women to stick on my thinspo wall but haven't gotten round to actually sticking them up.
.
Right now my stomach is gurgling!
Win!
I'm probably going to go psycho/OCD on my room in a sec coz its actually disgusting!
See you sexy people on the other side ;)
x

Morning all.. Even though its 10 o'clock [40]

Arghh.
Okay, heres the deal.
I'm now at 147. A pound away from having lost a whole stone.
I am still going over my calorie limit so I am going to fast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then get back to the usual ABC.
I had the realisation today that I am tan and a half stone!
Haha, but yes.
I'm basically killing myself. Too much work to do, and I'm a HUGE percrastinator.
I'm hoping to loose a couple of pounds this week... considering I keep eating too much and now I'm going to starve.
wish me luck. I'm tired now.
x

Ow. [36]

Hello All :)

.

Okay Today.. I facking hurt.

This week, disaster for losing weight. -.-

I have to start week two again but hey, I dont mind.

.

This wekk was great for spending some good time with my bootiful Skei. Today I thought I'd finally show you a picture of us! You know, Make it easier for you to picture us and whatnot!

.

I dont think I can take 7 more weeks of school. I'll probably shoot myself. I have a German Speaking Exam on the 9th [My fucking annaversary... 9 moths :)] English homework for Thursday and Sort out a folder for Friday at my Diploma >.<>

.

Skei started a Blog on here too... If you want, Check it out 'The Life Of Skeii'

thelifeofskei.blogspot.com

Bless Him :3

.

I do love him. I made him cry 3 days in a row! Bless. Yeah I wont go on... I might cry myself.

.

Skeii.... I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

.

End.

haha :)

Urhm. Well tbh I dont have alot to say!

.

Much Love to all Who read this XD

.

Honestly.

I love you

x

30/5/10 Update [33]

Yess its that dreaded day.

I have done slightly well though I must admit.

.

right so my HW was 160 lbs

whereas now I'm at a CW of 148lbs!

Thats nearly a whole stone!! Just 2 more lbs to go then I'm a stone lighter! Only 3 lbs to go to get to my next target weight! WHOOPEY!

.

And now for the measurements

.

Waist 30 [lost an inch]

Hips 36 [stayed the same-.-]

UnderBust 33 [lost an inch]

Bust 37 [lost an inch]

Upperarm 11 [lost 1/2 inch]

Forearm 8 [lost 1/2 inch]

Wrist 6.5 [lost an inch]

Thigh 19 [lost 1/2 inch]

Calf 13.5 [stayed the same]

Ankle 9 [same]

.

and I cba to do my neck.

And by the way... I didn't know you could lost inches off your wrists!! I thought they were going to stay the same the whole time!

.

Weeeiiiiiiird.

.

ABC diets working for me then ;)

Although next week is going to be a struggle...

I wont be posting next week coz it'll become obvious.

Unless I post in the room I'm staying in at night... Even is Skei sees it I dont care. He knows and he knows that if he tells anyone... Well... Lets just say I've had enough of him, yeah?

Today I'm on 300 calories... and I have friends Coming over. Balls.

.

Well

Thats all I wanted to say XD

Stay Strong Girls and Guys! :D

Until... Some Time Next week or maybe tomorrow morning... XD

x

.

P.S My BMI is now 23.2

and my Waist-to-hip ratio is 0.83 :S I'm at 'moderate Risk'

Fuck

x

FML [31]

I hate birthdays.

My Garanddad's birthday today. 66 years old. HUGE chocolate cake. Had 2 pieces. Some healthier chinese food, a donette and a cookie. Bad, bad girl. At least tomorrow I'm only eating 100 cals tomorrow, I love the ABC diet. I'm not going into school either. CBA!! I wouldnt be doing anything interesting anyway. Stuck in Learning Support Unit all day sorting out work. Honestly, I can do that at home. This way I have all day to try to burn off the calories consumed today (somewhere in the 2,000 section >.<). I am honestly going to try really hard tomorrow, Saturday (even though I''m stuck in the capital for the day) and some of Sunday. I'll have to weigh and all that after mon lobly friends leave. Man, Li and Skei. Me and Li are going to put make up on man and Skei and do their hair and me and Li are going to be all man-ish! XD hahahahahahahaaa!!

.

I'm so weird.

We're going to watch 'Camp Blood' as well and take the piss at how craply made it is. Probably watch some of Scary movie aswell. I have like 5 scary movie films. They're good.

Anyway.

.

Like todays Thinspo? I dooo! Emma Watson. She is honestly, in my opinion, beautiful. She looks amazing in anything. From glitzy dresses and heels to jeans and trainers. Her face is elegant. Curves in the perfect places and the perfect amount of bustiness and hips. Jelous.

I'm staring an actual Thinspo journal. Filled with exercises. Well. So far.

.

Oh God. I still have to pack for next week. Skei is stuck sleeping with me for about 5 nights. And spending nearly everyday with me. He's gonna be so pleased. No seriously, He loves the idea! I just dont like the thought of showering at my mum's boyfriend's flat. Just weirds me out a little.

.

I've nearly got back to 149. One pound off. I can get rid of that by Sunday... right? Or more?

God.

Okay.

I'm actually knackered!

I'll leave you all at this.

Before I die on my laptop.

x

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.

Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.

Somethign along the lines of...

excuse me?

you answer it youself

please write it again but in English

and 0.0218736

Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.

My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!

I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!

Jesus.

I'm so Fucked.

x

Result!! [26]

I'm Just Going To Sit Over Here,

Under My Cloud Of Failure,

In A Puddle,

Of Fuck.

Whey heyy! Right the weight loss competition is going well for me so far! More determined to lose :)

Oh the temptation of today... Dean's gorgeous cocolate spread sandwich and jam sandwich. Offering it to me, my mouth watered. Skei jumped in and snatched the sandwiches out of my grasp and reminded me 'You're on a fast!' his cheeky grin I wanted to slap off of his face! He scoffed them down in seconds! I would have savoured them, the way they deserve. This morning a grabbed a packet of crisps from the bag and shoved it, very obviously-trying to make a point to both my mother and gran, in my school bag. Although when I got round to it, I tossed it towards Dan who looked surprised and shrieked 'CRISPS!' Boys are great hoovers. Its why I hang out with them, they dont take took much notice if you're on a diet. They notice if you haven't got food, but not if you give your food to them. My new descovery. I shall daily take some food sorce to school, then throw it at whoever takes my fancy. Well... Not my FANCY, but whoever walks past at the right time.

These days I have little friends. Bambi, yes the one who said she'd be there for me who hasn't been, called me a prick today. Cow. It was because I stole my bestfriend, Manny's calculator. For a laugh. Jesus. He gets her involved as I put it down my top and she started shouting at me that I'm a prick for not giving it back to him. HA! Says her. She shouted at me last week for being depressed! If one of us is the prick, it's definitly her. So I told her, 'Its nothing to do with you so fuck off! And you're a prick yourself!'

Its honestly pathetic how everyone verbally attacks me. Out of the 180 students in our year, the majority of them choose me. Fuck off!

FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!FUCKYOU!!

AHHHHHHH!!

But hey ho. I've lost more weight :D Which I was singing about today at lunch and Skei looked proud of me, or atleast pleased for me. And good ol' Dan said 'Good on you!'. I feel a little bit loved. So my totaly loss? You ask?

11 Pounds :D
I'm now 149 lbs.
RESULT!

although I have exams all week near enough...
Suckishhh!!

P.S. My arse still doesn't fit in that dress!!
x

Shitshitshit!! [24]

Okay, I agree. Boyfriends can make you fat. But if you eat loads when he's around, even it out with a day fast or extra exercise. Thats what I do, works pretty well too.

Oh and does anyone agree that emo guy is pretty hot!! ;D I would.

Moving on.
SHIT!
I am starting a weight loss competition that Yum at Yummy Secrets has started. It begins tomorrow! >.< SHIIIIIIT!
Its a bit of healthy competition yanno ;) Go on Yum's blog to get the details :)

Todays been one big ol' binge really. Skei stayed over last night. Ate so much. Curry for dinner yesterday, toast with chocolate spread yesterday, cereal this morning followed by a baked potato with cheese, curry sause and baked beans.
planning on a fast from now until monday. Hopefully I'll lose weight that way and *crosses fingers* I haven't gained any weight today!! PLEASE OH PLEASE!!

I recently joined Pretty Thin, its an amazing website for people with EDs. connect with eachother and share diets and tips, Its really great! The people are so nice and just want to share their story and listen about yours :)

www.prettythin.com Search for me ;)
KodixAngel

Uhh, well thars my short update.
I'll post tomorrow with stats so far and how my fast is going
wish me luck
x

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.

.

Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.

.

My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.

.

I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.

.

.

In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??

Oh Crap.

x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

.

Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

.

That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

.

I feel loved.

.

.

We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

.

My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

.

Corr.

.

I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

How To Day Ended? [21]

Here's today's story.
After my short walk around the near by fields, I got frustrated. Sitting in a tree, gazing at the dreary scenery, I pondered life. Mine? Horrible. A pool of nothingness. Since becoming emotionally numb, I felt like falling, nothing could hurt me. I returned home, spoke to my Gran for a short time, mostly about Skei. Then my Mother awoke. Hair like a pheasant. The norm for when she wakes. I decided I would go for a longer walk. Left, walked down my driveway and in the direction of my school, I walked. When reaching my school, I decided to carry on, that I would walk to Skei's house. Show him my dedication, not just to him. Not just to prove my love to him in one of the slightly more extreme ways. To prove I was ready to change my appearance also. The fact I had not eaten didn't stop me from getting to his house. I walked through the aches and pains and freezing cold wind. An a fact of thinking I was lost many times through out my journey. It was a good few miles. From mine to his, I mean. Arriving at Skei's part of the village, it was around the time they would be having dinner, so I waited. My mother began texting me, where are you?, how did you get there?, and call if you want picking up. I did not want picking up. I wanted to lay myself in the middle of the road. Admire the sky growing ever so impatient for me to get inside. Turning 5:39 I decided to knock on the door. His Grandfather answered. Asking politely as possible I spoke.
"Is Skei in?"
He looked at me as if he had completely forgotten about him. Letting me inside, he asked Skei's Nan, who was busy nattering away on the phone. Right there. Embarrassment. My eyes almost glued to the floor as my hands gingerly hid in their sleeves. Until Skei's Father was brought into the mix. Getting in his car, I thought of two people Skei would likely go to. Whyte or Liam. Wasn't at Liam's and, unfortunately, couldn't find Whyte's.
.
Fuck. Me.
.
My only thought. Trust my luck to make him impossible to find. Then, Thankfully, Christopher, received a text. Along the lines of, He's on his way home. Good.
.
Christopher Told me i could wait in Skei's room, I decided to go with that since we got back before him and I'd rather be alone than sit with everyone. I'm not as social with people's families. So I waited a good 10/15 minutes, glancing at posters with a feeling of disgust rise within me as to what these posters were telling me. A big tick list, including have a threesome, have sex outdoors, and some even more excruciating suggestions trying to kill me. It worked. I died a little more inside, although being numb most the weekend I still felt the hate I have for myself.
Seeing him burst through the door with a slightly concerned look on his face, which looked strangely child-like with his short, bleached blonde hair. The one thing that hit me then was, He's totally oblivious... and he was. He had no clue that today was our 8 month anniversary. I knew I should have felt more pained but all I felt was emptiness.
More broken promises between us. He smoked weed when the previous Wednesday I asked him not to, explaining I wouldn't smoke if he didn't take the drugs that just made him worse. Earlier that day I decided to break a promise, knowing he wouldn't suddenly pop out of thin air right before me. I cut. Numb and No More. I know what i meant by it. It still stings actually, more so than when it was bleeding. Showing him, his expression grew more depressive. he knew this time it was his fault. He did this. He caused this. He knew he had fucked up majorly.
Then I mentioned the lack of chatter in my head. That they were suffocating. And probably, if I get better, I'll permanently lose them. His two alters, who have fallen for two of my alters, reacted badly.
One final time, I have forgiven him.
If he does this to me again.
He'll have to cope on his own.
I pointed out that even though he wasn't there for me when Sparkie died, I was there for him the next day. His childhood friend's two year death anniversary.
There's what generally happened today, In story form. Tomorrow I have an ICT exam, which I am likely to fail.
Around 11 pm ish I am going to be seeing a comedian with my mum, her boyfriend and Skei.
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Wish me luck in my exams all week.
And I must say, I think i burnt a shit load of calories. Two and a half ish hours straight walking, no food, [until earlier... coconut yogurt.] and exercises in the morning plus a small walk.
HOORAHH!
well goodbye, good night and I may blog tomorrow...
Doubtfully. I'm sure you're all happy to hear that.

Night my lovers.
x

Sundayy... [20]

Sunday..

Riight..

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Well I've done my exercises for the morning.

20 Push-ups

30 Sit-ups

20 Bicycal Sit-ups

10 Leg lifts [Each side, Lying down]

10 Leg lifts [each side, Standing up]

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Haven't gone for a run because it looks aweful outside. and I've now got a pair of jeans on [Which I am scared if I take them off, then I might not be able to get them back on..] YES! I MANAGED TO PUT ON AND DO UP A PAIR OF SIZE 10 JEANS!! AHAHAAA RESULT!! I finished cleaning my room too so that should have burnt an extra few calories. Had my vitimins and 'happy pills'. I think they are just making me emotionally numb. Its weird. I cant feel anything emotional right now, not even depression about my dog dieing. I am convinced there is something wrong with me. I haven't heard much from Ana, Syke and G the last couple of days... I think this numbness is suffocating them.

.

I've come up with my own bracelet code to do with my weight.

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Weight and shagband code [Coz I have lots of shagbands]

147 lbs + Orange

140-146 lbs Pink

133-139 lbs Green

126-132 lbs Blue

119-125 lbs Purple

112-118 lbs Black

.

Obviously at the moment I'm wearing Orange. I have to lose... *Calculates* around 5.5 lbs or 6.5 lbs depending. But thats not too much. I went on a website which told me how long it would take me to get to my goal weight with a spesific calorie deficite. And I can get to 145 lbs in 18 days with a daily calorie deficite of 1000. And to 140 lbs in 1 month 5 days with the same calorie deficite. So all looks good, just need to stay positive!

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Right this one was shorter than usual, since it's just about midday. So I might post later, tell you guys how everything went. Oh, and I'm going to eat 4 bite size pieces of celery to get used to it, coz I read it burns like 40 odd calories? So yesss...

.

Well must be off!

Think BEAUTIFUL!

x

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.

Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.

Balls.

It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.

I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.

I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.

I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.

OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.

I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.

Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.

Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!

Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]

Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!

I can't even wait!

Good Night Beauties

x

*Sigh* [18]

First of all today, I am currently watching America's Nect Top Model. Always makes me more detremined.

Second. I sould stop drinking juice for a while. Because I've had it so much recently I have a pretty bad stomach and probably washed out all the crap inside me by now. So I'll stick to water again.

Third. Just calculated I'm 152 pounds! (VICTORY IS NEAR) I'm so happy I've lost 8 pounds, although I still want to lose more. Also today I've eaten around 400-500 calories. Meh. I'll get stricter. Done my 20 push ups today aswell.

Been carrying on with my wall thinspo and writing more in my diet booklet. I need to decide on what other exercise to do. Any suggestions?

I LOVELOVELOVE having a converter on my phone! So I can specially change my weight from stones to pounds, its increadible. I love it. Its so fun! AHAHA!!

Oh wow... My BMI is 23.8! I swear before I was 26.something! WOO!! Ha! I'm quite happy now.

Although I still want to lose 26 pounds. I hate being Nearly 11 stone. I'm such a perfectonist and so analytical now! Its insane! I swear English has set this off as I've have to analyse everything that passes my reading grip. Shows I can be determined when I want to be. Specially since no one listens or supports me. They can all die in Hell for all I care now. They want me to be fat, obviously. Not gonna happen.

I'm having really bad cravings. For chicken (Though I've been a vegetarian for nearly a year) and Spicy things, yet I cant face eating a vegetarian curry (large portion as my mum always puts on my plate) with white rice. I might ask to change it to the healthier rice, then hav a small bit of curry. Ohhhh lush!

Tomorrow I'm planning a jog. Then on my return to pick flowers to make everyone at home think I'm in a good mood. Paha!

Shall be watching embarrasing bodies XD God some of the stuff on there is actually GROSS with all capital letters.You know, its shocking how many times I've gotten up to pee whilst writing this blog! Thanks to all the water I'm consuming! Freezing cold water too (woo! Burning calories).

I'm also going to try and help out my Gran some more (She's just has a hip replacement so can't do much.) as I helped her once and she gave me a fiver (Result!) and I need some mroe money. It just makes me feel more secure for some reason. Ah, back to my issue about control! Everything I do seems to revolve around my lack of control and finding ways to get some kind of control. God, I'm even self analytical of both my physical appearance and of whats going on inside my head. The underlying issues. I think too much, thats why!

Ahh should get to sleep sometime soon...

Nothing else to say for the moment either

Except

MY STOMACHS STILL GRUMBLING!

baii :)

x