And We Go Roud In Circles... Just One Last Time We Decide To Change...

Hello again.

I have a mega humongous update of a post coming your way.

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First, I just wanna say I was going to post last weekend. But my computer went up the spazzer and I just couldn't be arsed to fix it.

And Thank you to those of you who commented my last post, I only read them today but it made me feel better about posting now. I love you all, really, and I hope some day we all get what we want.

Oh and Peri. I'm not Scottish XD I'm English, but they're both the UK. haha x

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First starting with my shopping trip. Brilliant. I bought 4 books, 2 manga I'd never seen before but though I'd like to read and 2 follow on books from the 'House Of Night' series. Its about vampires and whotnot.

I then got to Boots. I FINALLY BOUGHT MYSELF SOME DIET PILLS!! RESULT! And they are helping me lose a little quicker. Okay a lot quicker.

I also treated myself to a small gingerbread latte from Costa. Mmmm...

My mum was with her boyfriends family sorting out his grans place because she died recently. I picked up about 50 silk scarves and a bog wooden box to put stuff in. Its great, my diet pills live in there along with my lighters.

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I had a college interview on Wednesday. Fuuuuuck my life I have an audition for the Performing Arts BTEC I wanna do in March... But I cant find a decent monologue. Help?

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And one of the biggest pieces if new I have. Thursday. Be and Skei finally ended it. Dont get me wrong, I am a little sad that what we had has ended, but I refuse to cry. I've cried too much for him over the nearly a year and a half we were together. He's my friend with occasional benefits though haha! We're staying friends, and if he hasn't got a girlfriend by prom, I think I might go with him. Our relationship just didn't work. Too much stress on a couple if teenagers.

Now I'm on the rebound. I might just become a slut on a whoring spree. Pfft. Like any one's gonna want me anyway.

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Friday evening I went round Rhii's house. I stayed over, hence the weird time I'm typing (6.49am). Because I had about half an hours sleep at hers. We talked about everything, watched girly films, ate pasta and the BEST chocolate fudge cake I've eaten in GOD KNOWS how long... and loads of popcorn haha.

Rhii's older brother came home from work at around 11, and join us watching WildChild and 17 Again. Funniest thing XD He's not bad looking, specially with his shirt off... But I didn't go all jelloid and he's off limits. My morals. Never go out with a friends brother unless your friend is okay with it. And Rhii thinks its weird and kinda harsh if a friend of hers started dating her brother.

I complained to her in the early hours of the morning when she kept dozing off to give me her friends number so I could text someone while she slept.

I had a VERY long conversation with him. Random too. The basics of the conversation: sex, threesomes, virginity, boyfriends/girlfriends, what we thought of each other, dream girl/guy, dream job. It was great! I'm keeping those texts and currently thinking of a name to give him. I met him back in November so its not just a random text to one of Rhii's friends.

Well it kinda was.

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So I got home at 3pm. Had a shower. Ate loads. Went upstairs to read. Fell asleep. Woke up at half 5.

3 text messages.

My Gran asking if I wanted a jacket potato.

KT saying she wants to meet up in half term.

My Dad telling me he's engaged.

WHAT!

Hm. Well. I guess I'll text him when it gets to a normal time. And my Dad said he was never gonna get married again. Too much fuss, too much money.

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Well, there's my update.

I did get up to 158lbs at one point. Now I think I'm 154 ish? I weighed myself before my shower.

I will be thin. Especially now thanks to my diet pills.

Now I'm going to take some more sleeping pills after a piece of toast, and snooze a bit longer.

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Weirdly enough.

Life is good!

Even though my basoomas are still the size of UFOs.
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I love you all, be happy, fuck love.
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(I nearly crapped myself because I thought I lost my post! Phew!)
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Put On Your Army Boots, Lets Take On The World.

Hello All.
First I just wanted to marvel at the fact that... I'm an inspiration?
Thank you @Zette for saying this. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me! Really, made my evening. And I'm so glad that I still have followers who've patiently waited for me over however long it took me to get my head in a better place. It means a lot that you're all glad I'm back!
@BelleRina. Obviously you can do it if you really want to! Don't let one little hiccup get you down (figures, after my 2 days of no food at all I had a MAHUSIVE binge, luckily I only gained about half a pound XD Not sure how that works) I'm going to start my fats again either tomorrow or Saturday, so you can do it too!
@Lilah Lee. I know how you feel! Its horrible, but it seems like you're keeping in good spirits. Trust me you need good enough spirit to get you up in the morning and to carry on. Good luck with you're resolutions :)
(Finally) @Mich. Thank you for the advise, Next time I'll take vitamins (I wasn't taking any at the time) so in my next fast I will take one multi a day.
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Now moving on to what I was originally going to write about.
My self worth.
Yeah that might seem depressing but really, I'm just exploring what I believe and what other people have told me! Is it wrong that all I see are faults in myself, faults in my favourite body parts, faults in people on TV?
All I see to hear recently are compliments that I'm not even fishing for! Like the Ballerina/leg comment. I get all odds and ends of compliments about me that aren't said to my face.
I'm pretty.
I have nice legs.
I have big boobs (from the guys).
I'm smart.
Whats going on here? I'm not used to this! Thankfully, I'm starting to believe that I am smart, I'm not stupid anymore. I can get the grades I want, I do get the grades I want. How come I didn't see this before? Why did I think I was so stupid before this year? Maybe it was because I was comparing myself to other people? I dont think so. Comparing myself has showed me that, really, I'm smarter than a lot of my friends. I help my friends in classes, help THEM to understand whats being taught. I'm getting high B's and A's in most of my work. What made me believe I wasn't good enough mentally? Maybe because I'm borderline dyslexic and no one ever helped me because I wasn't 'bad' enough? My mum had to get me a personal tutor in year 5 because I literally could not read. Now? I'M WRITING FUCKING BOOKS!
One thing I've apparently always been good at is art.
Apparently, according to my friend, in Primary school we did a little drawing competition together, and we won because of my drawing. I dont even remember this!
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Then... Why do I feel so pitiful about my appearance..?
I've noticed my confidence grow a little because of Capelin fancying me and complimenting me on more than just my looks. He liked everything. I was even STUPID enough to tell him about my eating issues. He just listened, he understood. Apparently his brother was Bulimic, so he's been through it. I've also got a TAKEN friend of mine flirting with me a lot... honestly, I try not to proper flirt back, I just say things that are intended to sound wrong to make the situation funny... its weird really. Strange how, he apparently really loves his girlfriend, but he feels the need to flirt with me? Makes me a little anxious about if that will happen to me... I'm trying really hard not to get bored with Skei. I love him, I really do. But I just lose interest in things quickly... which is why I think I argue with him a lot. Shake things up, make it interesting. I'm fucked up in the head. I either want to start and argument with Skei or go frolicking off with some fit indie who was looking me up and down. But I DONT WANT TO. I do and I dont. I do because it'd be different. I dont, because I've fucked things up enough as it is... I dont wanna go through that again. :/
Omg. I've sooo gone off track.
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Either way.
Apparently I'm attractive. I may start asking guys at school... if I ever go back to school XD this snow has lasted several days and its like 2 foot deep.
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Maybe I should accept I'm a good catch?
I dont know if I can do that though...
Its the battle of and Eating Disordered person, isn't it?
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Apparently I deserve more...
I dont feel like I deserve anything.
Then, I feel like I deserve the world.
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It's A Skirt! We Don't Live In The 1930's Anymore!

My God.
I was spoken to about my skirt at least 5 times today for it being apparently too short.
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Frankly. Up yours!
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I'm tall. Not my fault my skirt goes 5 1/2 inches above my knee! Ooohh Thigh! What ever shall we do!?
Fack Offfffffff!
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Okay, whether you want to hear it or not I'm going to tell you coz, well, this is MY BLOG. Full of all sorts of SHIT.
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Anyway.
First My head of year said that my skirts too short, I told her that the waist band of the skirt is in the right place, so I can't help it! (they're long waisted skirts with pleats at the bottom)
Then when I went to ask Mrs. K if I could borrow a jumper for the day (coz apparently my cardigan just wasn't good enough...) she mentioned my skirt was a bit short (A BIT!) and I explained the waist band thing, and she just agreed and said, yeah, it was because I'm tall. So she was happy about it coz I actually can't do anything about it.
Then when I was going to my first lesson, the 2 head of years (same woman from last time and a bloke) said I should do something about my skirt, I said something like 'Well I said before, It's at the right place, I'm just tall' then the bloke chipped in and said 'looks like its been rolled up to me!'
Fuck off.
I actually lifted my school polo shirt to show him it wasn't. Then the woman said 'well pull it down a bit' I did sort of but the way they're made, you cant really do that. And she kept telling me more as I walked off, but as soon as I was out of her sight I moved it back coz it was really uncomfortable where it was, and made absolutely no difference.
The going into Science my MAN teacher (Mr. SPF actually...) said to sort my skirt out. I said I cant. I'm tall. He turned round and said, 'You getting a new one?'
Fuck off.
THIS IS NEW ARSE HOLE!! And cost my mum more than a tenner! (£10 if you're wondering) And I'm quite sure she's not going to replace it! Specially since its new, and they all come in ONE LENGTH.
Twats.
Then Lunch ended, I walked past the woman Head of year AGAIN and as I was just about out the door she said, 'better think about that'
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
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Think about a skirt? No thanks, I've got better things to focus on, like, I dunno, my COURSEWORK!? That time I just ignored her.
I'm going to tell my Therapist/Counsellor type lady that my teachers are now bullying me. Seriously, how many times does ONE teacher have to say something? Especially to me! They should know by now I'm above average on the intellect front and not an old age pensioner! I can remember what you said earlier! I may have done SOME damage thanks to those pain killers but nothing THAT serious!
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I feel like bashing their faces in (Except Mrs. K who just accepted you cant do a lot about a skirt that's worn correctly but by a tall person.
Okay I'm not tall.
I'm taller than average in the UK. Which seems to make a lot of difference when you wear skirts and jumpers. So fucking hard to get the balance right!
God they would have had a field day if had decided to wear my black boots!! -.-
I mean I'm in my last year of school, I hardly ever do anything wrong (Only a few things and I get out of them easy) the only thing I don't follow like a fucking sniffer dog to coke is the dress code. I wear trainers to school. They haven't noticed. I wear skinny leg trousers to school, they don't notice. And what annoys me more is that I WAS WARY about wearing my skirt coz we had some strong breezes today, I was weary of flashing people! I held my fucking skirt to my legs for God's sake!
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I had a compliment from Skei about my uniform.
Hot. XD
And my friend said that coz I was wearing long socks, I looked like a slut, but she didn't mean it in a bitter way! Just a comment, which I do agree on partly, But I didn't have any tights with out holes in so I just went for socks.
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Wow. Who knew someone could rant so much about a fucking school uniform!?
I'm sorry.
How about something ED related aye?
In science we're doing things about healthy living.
Straight away we were told to calculate the amount of calories we use per day at school. Blimey, I've never been so interested in my life! Corr if I have to do an EXAM on this, I'm gonna rock the fuckin' boat and get a fucking A****** (not a possible grade before anyone point that out to me...) And all the fat people pictures and what happens to your veins and arteries if your obese stuff really put me off food. WHOOPEYY!
Oh and I've only eaten an apple and a custard cream. I think I'm starting to get indigestion... Suckishhhh
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Urh right.
3 things you HATE about your school/college/workplace
1looks like a shit hole
2the teachers are NAFF
3The whole 'Skirt' thing...
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I love you :)
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