Quoi? Was? Wut? -.-'

Gahh I feel like an Ungly girrrrrl :(
My scales ran outta battery and I have no idea if I've gained or staied the same or what.
.
But I've been sort of better with my eating (well, considering my period..) and Skei ate the remainder of the fake snickers and loads of sandwiches XD (chocolate spread, jam and lemon curd..)
Paha!
Omg I'm fattening him up XD
He had a faff with my weird electric muscle building things XD he said it felt funny (no duh, youre being electricuted..)
.
*sigh*
I'm bored. Sorry for the crappy blog, I thought I should blog again..
.
My glasses broke at the lense place, they were putting the lenses in but the frame broke -.-' had to go get another pair of glasses and ANOTHER pair that were actual glasses and not crappy poser ones... so hopefully I'll have new glasses. But not before my first day back at school (Monday.. faackk) I still haven't read Lord of The Flies... I'll read it tomorrow...
.
I dont wanna go back to school but I do aswell.
I dont coz of the people I cant stand and my new maths teacher...
I do coz I'm less likely to eat myself silly... I'm more likely to not eat most the day.. and I have my own living thinspo (and reverse thinspo XD) around me!
.
But it's just so much effort... Specially since this year I have to apply to a college and CHOOSE the courses I wanna do... -.-
.
Thats it really.
gimme a guilt pleasure of yours.
Mine is watching '13 going on 30' XD
<3
x

I Hate Myself. [28]

Fuck.

I hate myself.

I've gained 5 lbs.

I know. I deserve to die. I obviously can't fast. I'm a shitty faster and have let down my ana buddie on PT. I'm sorry! I'm pathetic and useless!!

I almost killed myself yesterday because of all the weight I've suddenly gained again. Skei said its muscle because of my exercises. But its obviously not. I barley exercised this week. And I binged like a cow. I'm working on losing the weight again. God, I cant believe myself! AHH!!

But I'm doing more. Trying to force myself to do my daily sit an push ups. Yesterday I walked quite a bit. Picking bluebells and whatnot. And once Skei left I ran back to my house and round to where the fire is, outdoors, and did 30 star jumps and 12 pushups. So I'm hoping I'll lose the weight fast if I restrict my food again. And since I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet on Monday, it'll hopefully work well. And its only about another week until the Pictures are due again! Christ.

After next week is half term. I'll make Skei come out with me around town nearly everyday to keep me moving. And if I buy food I'll only have a bit then give him the rest. Simples.

Oh fuck.

I have to fast on the Wednesday and I honestly dont know how I'm going to get that past my mum and her boyfriend. Balls.

Skei definitly knows now.

Yes he knows I have a crazy ED.

Yet he doesn't quite seem to get how serious this is. But oh well. He might get it if I gain more weight or get to my goal weight of 112 lbs. Which is like centuries off. Sad face.

Ahh. Life sucks, aye?

Yeah It really does.

I have more exams next week. I know. They dont stop. If anyone wants to join me on my ABC diet feel free to comment me. I have about 4 right now. But hey, more diet related ones would be good!

just ask for email :)

I get lonely. HAHA!

bye bubas

x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

.

Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

.

That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

.

I feel loved.

.

.

We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

.

My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

.

Corr.

.

I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.

Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.

Balls.

It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.

I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.

I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.

I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.

OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.

I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.

Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.

Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!

Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]

Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!

I can't even wait!

Good Night Beauties

x

*Sigh* [18]

First of all today, I am currently watching America's Nect Top Model. Always makes me more detremined.

Second. I sould stop drinking juice for a while. Because I've had it so much recently I have a pretty bad stomach and probably washed out all the crap inside me by now. So I'll stick to water again.

Third. Just calculated I'm 152 pounds! (VICTORY IS NEAR) I'm so happy I've lost 8 pounds, although I still want to lose more. Also today I've eaten around 400-500 calories. Meh. I'll get stricter. Done my 20 push ups today aswell.

Been carrying on with my wall thinspo and writing more in my diet booklet. I need to decide on what other exercise to do. Any suggestions?

I LOVELOVELOVE having a converter on my phone! So I can specially change my weight from stones to pounds, its increadible. I love it. Its so fun! AHAHA!!

Oh wow... My BMI is 23.8! I swear before I was 26.something! WOO!! Ha! I'm quite happy now.

Although I still want to lose 26 pounds. I hate being Nearly 11 stone. I'm such a perfectonist and so analytical now! Its insane! I swear English has set this off as I've have to analyse everything that passes my reading grip. Shows I can be determined when I want to be. Specially since no one listens or supports me. They can all die in Hell for all I care now. They want me to be fat, obviously. Not gonna happen.

I'm having really bad cravings. For chicken (Though I've been a vegetarian for nearly a year) and Spicy things, yet I cant face eating a vegetarian curry (large portion as my mum always puts on my plate) with white rice. I might ask to change it to the healthier rice, then hav a small bit of curry. Ohhhh lush!

Tomorrow I'm planning a jog. Then on my return to pick flowers to make everyone at home think I'm in a good mood. Paha!

Shall be watching embarrasing bodies XD God some of the stuff on there is actually GROSS with all capital letters.You know, its shocking how many times I've gotten up to pee whilst writing this blog! Thanks to all the water I'm consuming! Freezing cold water too (woo! Burning calories).

I'm also going to try and help out my Gran some more (She's just has a hip replacement so can't do much.) as I helped her once and she gave me a fiver (Result!) and I need some mroe money. It just makes me feel more secure for some reason. Ah, back to my issue about control! Everything I do seems to revolve around my lack of control and finding ways to get some kind of control. God, I'm even self analytical of both my physical appearance and of whats going on inside my head. The underlying issues. I think too much, thats why!

Ahh should get to sleep sometime soon...

Nothing else to say for the moment either

Except

MY STOMACHS STILL GRUMBLING!

baii :)

x

Ahh I Know Double Post.. [17]

Right Several Things.

My stomach officially HATES fast food.
It reacts badly to Yogurt and Apple juice in one day.
And I missed my cervical cancer jab today thanks to my shitty school not telling our parents when they are!! Now my Mum has to sort out me getting it done privately. FFS!

The schools in my area are SHIT!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuckk!!


Just weighed myself :/ 11 stone. Probably coz of the cereal and huge juice consumption of today. I'll fast until dinner tomorrow and have something small for dinner and more water and juice.

I've started on my wall Thinspo, Looking through old magazines and taring out the skinny models and whatnot. Looks pretty good to me. Might take a picture for you all when it's done :D

and whilst going through those magazines I've tared out all the diets and exercise plans out and going to decide what I can actually manage and when I'll do them. Also listening to a Dance Music Channel coz there's nothing else on.

Ahh.. Weekend Fast.

Since last weekend's didn't go too well, and I haven't exactly stuck to my diet since last Friday, I really need to be determined for the next three days. I need to just keep thinking, 'avoid that fatty food and be closer to perfection'... *sigh* I want to be perfect SOO BADLY. It seems no one wants me to be perfect or happy. Everyone [Including my Gran] say I don't need to lose weight, although quite obviously I do. There's been one little nagging feeling recently. 'What If I'm Not Happy Once I'm Skinny??' But I'm ignoring it. Even counteracting it by coming up with 10 reasons why I want to be thin. Fantastic Aye?

Tasks For Tomorrow:
Carry On Thinspo Wall
Look Through The Ripped Magazine Pages And Decide Exercise Shizz
Not Eat. Lol.
Pick More Flowers.
Probably more...

I'll think about it tomorrow.
I might research Kate Moss' diets. Just coz I like Kate Moss. I think shes gorgeous.

If you saw my stack of old magazines, you'd have a real job on your hands. OH I'll do that tomorrow too! Go through more magazines! Corr, Keep me going until Saturday. All through If I have Loads Of Distractions.

Ugh. I don't want to go to Diploma tomorrow. Its all paperwork bollocks. I'm glad I didn't go to school most the week. Skei got suspended yesterday so I didn't really want to be at school when he was at home. He's also moving out of his family's house today. Moving into a friend's house. He cant stand his family anymore, must say I don't like them much myself... One, They think I'm a slut. Two, his Gran Shouted at us the first time I was over. Shoot. Me.

My stomachs still upset from the shitty yogurt. It was gross I must admit. I think I'll stick to my coco nut one. Healthier and tastes better.

I am going on quite a bit aren't I? Oh well! Ahahahaa!
Uhh, well I guess I better get on.

Until Tomorrow Sex Machines! (Ha!)
x

New Set Of Determination [16]

Right, New Determination.

This Month I hope to lose 5 pounds at LEAST!

Since I haven't been to school most the week, I need to start doing more. Its just I'm a lazy bitch and turned down going to the gym this week because I was too depressed. Next week I shall see if Mum wants to go to the gym or not, and in time of Nothing-To-Do I should do sit ups. I haven't done them in a while. Haven't watched t.v in a while either. Also I want to go and pick somemore flowers, make the house smell nice and all that.

I need to stick to my diet again. Shall start that tomorrow and not eat anything else today. Not even hungry at the moment.

I should clean my room... The most I need to do is put some clothes away, some in the washing and put my school books away. And some magazines too.
Theres something I can do tomorrow. Get out all the exercise and diet pages and put them somewhere, like in a folder or on the wall. Or make a huge thinspo on my wall.

Yeahh...

Sounds like fun.
I need to get a bin to put all the random paper thats lying around to recycle. I'll Do that in a second.

Right Thats About All Todayy

Bye All :)
x

fast=mehh [5]

right fast day didnt go well and last night i was so upset i binged on this peanut butter thingthat was like 350 calories! >.< i cant believe how many that is!

well i didnt eat until lunch. then i nicked half of someones chocolate spread sandwich -.-

when i got home i ate 2 packets of crisps [i kno i kno no control] a big bowel of cocoa nut yogurt, and a vegetarian sheperds pie.. pftt stuffed and will not eat from now onwards. coz its past 6 oclock.

looks like my fast days turn out to be binge days -.- fuckkk...

but i think my mothers convinced that im not throwing up my food afterwards. corr... i wish i didnt eat that much i feel sick now >.< this is why i prefer to be hungry. i dont feel obese sick!

right well iv mostlikely gone into the 1000s for calories today. maybe 1100?? not sure. i couldnt ask for an estimate of calories in the pie coz my mums suspisious.
so roughly 1100. :/
most days iv managed to keep it in the 200/300 section but today i definetly binged too much. tomorrow shall be STRICT!

OR I WILL NOT FIT IN THE BOOOOOOOTIFUL DRESS I HAVE

although i was VERY hyper today. might hav burned off around a 1/3 of what i ate? $ and walked home from the bus stop.. mehh tomorrow=STRICT!!!!!!!!

#2 I Compare Myself To EVERYONE Around Me. And With The Majority, I'm Fatter, And More Worthless In My Eyes.


AHH
i hate being fat -.-
and very under loved.
meh.

Bloggy Numerr 2

right. been binge eating basically everyday -.-

eaten too many calories so today and tomorrow i'm going on a fast to try and make up for it. specially since i've gained 1.5 lbs from my usual weight. then when i start school on monday i shall go back to my oridginal diet plan for a week then fast for a week. no one would like the idea so i've managed to come up with ways to make my mum think i'm eating when i'm on a fast.
eat in my room then give it to my dog
take snacks to school then give them away.

and i must drink lots of water coz i think im getting a sore throte :/ it hurrrrts >.<

weight: 11 st 0.5lbs

i hav a ribbon tied to my wrist that i want my waist to be like, im nearly there aswell :)



hopefully sometime soon ill be a size 10 :D coz i reeeeeeeeeelii wanna fit in this gorgeous dress ive hd inmy cuppboard for AGES and Skei thinks its pretty. god damn arse wont let me fit in it tho :/

mental note: look up exersizes to get a smaller arse.


uhh well thats all today. ill post tomorrow about how my fast has gone and my weight and shizzle :)

ill accept any comments or whatever XD follow?
and i could do with some support, yeah?

well see you sexies tomorrow ;)
x