I have no idea what number this is... [?]

HELLOO
Christ I swear I'm beginning to get a phobia of the internet...
Actually I've been scared of talking to people on here and PT, I've been convinced that you'd judge me altough I know you wont!
.
Anyway.
HEY I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE MENTAL PLACE... on Tuesday... So yes. Took them long enough, My doctor agreed that I'd need some kind of anti depressant pills! I KNEW THIS WHY'D NO ONE LISTEN. Fucking.. Fucking.. FUCKS.
.
Oh yeah, to Peri and Fat Ballerina, Fannkss :) and Actuallyy... I've never seen that film.. I was ill and my brain was spazzed XD
but I swear I am BACKK!!
.
*sighh* Yeah I felt the need to tell you all that I'm not dead. Yet. And I think the only way I'm going to keep my appetite under control is to only eat one bowel of cereal then nothing but fruit and veg. And I am still waiting for my pedometer to arrive. But until it does I'm gonna have a go at going for a walk everyday considering I'm so lazy and walking is about as much effort I cant currently put in when I'm alone.
.
I swear I keep getting more followers!
Its pretty awesome!
I love you guys :3
x

AhhYouFuggin'FattyFood [29]

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
The weather is niiiiiiiiice. Although a bit hot for my liking. Heat rash and all. But my forearms are already reasonably tanned. Legs? Pale as ever. Stomach? Not allowed out from under the safety of my tops.

Gym currently equals difficulty. Dont go that often, meaning I frazzle out quickly. Except today I've progressed. Managed 15 minutes on the tredmill building up speed, getting close to 7mph. Woo! Except I'm a fuck up in maths. Got a D on my mock test. Shit. Oh well. Fuck me, aye?

I'm obsessed with the first two seasons of Skins. It was better than the new ones. They actually explored issues and not go over board on sex and drugs. And I LOVE Cassie. I can relate to her the most out of the girls, for obvious reasons, and I think she's gorgeous. I wish I looked like her... Or Effy. Shes gorgeous too! I'm totally getting thinspo of those two!

Started ABC tooday. Doing well, so far consumed around 200 calories and going to have a 300 calorie omlette later. It might be less calories because I dont think I could consume a 3 egg spanish omlette... Might be too big. So around 210 cals in that. ltogether 410 calories around abouts today. Wow. I'm only allowed, maximum of 500 calories today and tomorrow then I think its 300 and etc.
But because its varied, I think I'll be able to stick to it better.
Haaa... Watching Skinsa makes me wanna be like Tony. Yanno, get close to people then fuck them up. I'm going to work on that. I know a few people I could fuck up but with others... I'm not sure.
Heyho
Wish me luck on being a bitch to people!
Haha!!
x

I Hate Myself. [28]

Fuck.

I hate myself.

I've gained 5 lbs.

I know. I deserve to die. I obviously can't fast. I'm a shitty faster and have let down my ana buddie on PT. I'm sorry! I'm pathetic and useless!!

I almost killed myself yesterday because of all the weight I've suddenly gained again. Skei said its muscle because of my exercises. But its obviously not. I barley exercised this week. And I binged like a cow. I'm working on losing the weight again. God, I cant believe myself! AHH!!

But I'm doing more. Trying to force myself to do my daily sit an push ups. Yesterday I walked quite a bit. Picking bluebells and whatnot. And once Skei left I ran back to my house and round to where the fire is, outdoors, and did 30 star jumps and 12 pushups. So I'm hoping I'll lose the weight fast if I restrict my food again. And since I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet on Monday, it'll hopefully work well. And its only about another week until the Pictures are due again! Christ.

After next week is half term. I'll make Skei come out with me around town nearly everyday to keep me moving. And if I buy food I'll only have a bit then give him the rest. Simples.

Oh fuck.

I have to fast on the Wednesday and I honestly dont know how I'm going to get that past my mum and her boyfriend. Balls.

Skei definitly knows now.

Yes he knows I have a crazy ED.

Yet he doesn't quite seem to get how serious this is. But oh well. He might get it if I gain more weight or get to my goal weight of 112 lbs. Which is like centuries off. Sad face.

Ahh. Life sucks, aye?

Yeah It really does.

I have more exams next week. I know. They dont stop. If anyone wants to join me on my ABC diet feel free to comment me. I have about 4 right now. But hey, more diet related ones would be good!

just ask for email :)

I get lonely. HAHA!

bye bubas

x

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.

.

Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.

.

My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.

.

I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.

.

.

In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??

Oh Crap.

x

How To Day Ended? [21]

Here's today's story.
After my short walk around the near by fields, I got frustrated. Sitting in a tree, gazing at the dreary scenery, I pondered life. Mine? Horrible. A pool of nothingness. Since becoming emotionally numb, I felt like falling, nothing could hurt me. I returned home, spoke to my Gran for a short time, mostly about Skei. Then my Mother awoke. Hair like a pheasant. The norm for when she wakes. I decided I would go for a longer walk. Left, walked down my driveway and in the direction of my school, I walked. When reaching my school, I decided to carry on, that I would walk to Skei's house. Show him my dedication, not just to him. Not just to prove my love to him in one of the slightly more extreme ways. To prove I was ready to change my appearance also. The fact I had not eaten didn't stop me from getting to his house. I walked through the aches and pains and freezing cold wind. An a fact of thinking I was lost many times through out my journey. It was a good few miles. From mine to his, I mean. Arriving at Skei's part of the village, it was around the time they would be having dinner, so I waited. My mother began texting me, where are you?, how did you get there?, and call if you want picking up. I did not want picking up. I wanted to lay myself in the middle of the road. Admire the sky growing ever so impatient for me to get inside. Turning 5:39 I decided to knock on the door. His Grandfather answered. Asking politely as possible I spoke.
"Is Skei in?"
He looked at me as if he had completely forgotten about him. Letting me inside, he asked Skei's Nan, who was busy nattering away on the phone. Right there. Embarrassment. My eyes almost glued to the floor as my hands gingerly hid in their sleeves. Until Skei's Father was brought into the mix. Getting in his car, I thought of two people Skei would likely go to. Whyte or Liam. Wasn't at Liam's and, unfortunately, couldn't find Whyte's.
.
Fuck. Me.
.
My only thought. Trust my luck to make him impossible to find. Then, Thankfully, Christopher, received a text. Along the lines of, He's on his way home. Good.
.
Christopher Told me i could wait in Skei's room, I decided to go with that since we got back before him and I'd rather be alone than sit with everyone. I'm not as social with people's families. So I waited a good 10/15 minutes, glancing at posters with a feeling of disgust rise within me as to what these posters were telling me. A big tick list, including have a threesome, have sex outdoors, and some even more excruciating suggestions trying to kill me. It worked. I died a little more inside, although being numb most the weekend I still felt the hate I have for myself.
Seeing him burst through the door with a slightly concerned look on his face, which looked strangely child-like with his short, bleached blonde hair. The one thing that hit me then was, He's totally oblivious... and he was. He had no clue that today was our 8 month anniversary. I knew I should have felt more pained but all I felt was emptiness.
More broken promises between us. He smoked weed when the previous Wednesday I asked him not to, explaining I wouldn't smoke if he didn't take the drugs that just made him worse. Earlier that day I decided to break a promise, knowing he wouldn't suddenly pop out of thin air right before me. I cut. Numb and No More. I know what i meant by it. It still stings actually, more so than when it was bleeding. Showing him, his expression grew more depressive. he knew this time it was his fault. He did this. He caused this. He knew he had fucked up majorly.
Then I mentioned the lack of chatter in my head. That they were suffocating. And probably, if I get better, I'll permanently lose them. His two alters, who have fallen for two of my alters, reacted badly.
One final time, I have forgiven him.
If he does this to me again.
He'll have to cope on his own.
I pointed out that even though he wasn't there for me when Sparkie died, I was there for him the next day. His childhood friend's two year death anniversary.
There's what generally happened today, In story form. Tomorrow I have an ICT exam, which I am likely to fail.
Around 11 pm ish I am going to be seeing a comedian with my mum, her boyfriend and Skei.
.
Wish me luck in my exams all week.
And I must say, I think i burnt a shit load of calories. Two and a half ish hours straight walking, no food, [until earlier... coconut yogurt.] and exercises in the morning plus a small walk.
HOORAHH!
well goodbye, good night and I may blog tomorrow...
Doubtfully. I'm sure you're all happy to hear that.

Night my lovers.
x

fast=mehh [5]

right fast day didnt go well and last night i was so upset i binged on this peanut butter thingthat was like 350 calories! >.< i cant believe how many that is!

well i didnt eat until lunch. then i nicked half of someones chocolate spread sandwich -.-

when i got home i ate 2 packets of crisps [i kno i kno no control] a big bowel of cocoa nut yogurt, and a vegetarian sheperds pie.. pftt stuffed and will not eat from now onwards. coz its past 6 oclock.

looks like my fast days turn out to be binge days -.- fuckkk...

but i think my mothers convinced that im not throwing up my food afterwards. corr... i wish i didnt eat that much i feel sick now >.< this is why i prefer to be hungry. i dont feel obese sick!

right well iv mostlikely gone into the 1000s for calories today. maybe 1100?? not sure. i couldnt ask for an estimate of calories in the pie coz my mums suspisious.
so roughly 1100. :/
most days iv managed to keep it in the 200/300 section but today i definetly binged too much. tomorrow shall be STRICT!

OR I WILL NOT FIT IN THE BOOOOOOOTIFUL DRESS I HAVE

although i was VERY hyper today. might hav burned off around a 1/3 of what i ate? $ and walked home from the bus stop.. mehh tomorrow=STRICT!!!!!!!!

#2 I Compare Myself To EVERYONE Around Me. And With The Majority, I'm Fatter, And More Worthless In My Eyes.


AHH
i hate being fat -.-
and very under loved.
meh.

i know i know [3]

yess i forgot to post yesterday!

but i did weigh myself. im back to 10 stone 13 pounds! WOOHOO! :D

im doing well today on my diet, although my stomach is growling like crazy!! i would hav drank more water but it tasted rank :/ so i didnt. i need to get a filter.. it might taste better then.

walked home from the bus stop too :) its a lovely day actually :) i want to go out in it but i hav homework -.- bastard teachers.
i kept twiching and fidgeting today, burning even more calories! i didnt even eat my whole apple! Skei and Scam wanted some so i didnt even eat an apples worth of calories and now im slowly munching on cucumber :) im such a good girl! :D hopefylly by the end of the week i will have lost even more weight!! <3 PLEASE!! i dont like being nearly 11 stone -.- better than 11 stone 6 pounds i guess :/ like i was before i started losing weight. after this week i might do a week fast with my friend Hans. just reli to see if we can do it.

hoping by the end of all my dieting ill get to like 8 and a half stone?? id still be in the healthy bmi section aswell so WHOOPEYY! but thats IF i can get there..

well wish me luck!! :D
love x