Let Me Dissapear In A Puff Of Smoke, Let Me Die Of Fattness

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY!
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I lost weight after Christmas.
Then I gain 2lbs OVER NIGHT!
Thats it. I'm fasting and exercising to within an inch of my life!!
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Weight: 146.8 (when I first weighed myself it said '146.6' so I got fatter in about 5 minutes.)
Waist(at belly button): 35
Waist(smallest part): 31
HipBones: 37
Hips/Arse: 37.75
ForeArm: 8
UpperArm: 10.5
Elbow: 9.5
Wrist: 6
Thigh: 19 (MY LEGS GOT FATTER!!)
Knee: 13.5
Calf: 13.5
Ankle: 9
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FML.
I'm off to exercise.
And not eat.
I'm never eating again.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL [46]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Hulloo :3
Today was pretty AWSOMEO XD
Yeah I'm hyper at... 9:38pm
I've had about 3-4 coffees, about 20 happy pills and a bottle of coke zero.
PAHA!
Oh God.
I need to calm down.
.
Right. I'm calm.
Okay no I'm not.
AHH GET ON WITH IT KODI!!
>.<
.
Ahem.
Not going to Tai Kwon-do anymore. Frickin' instructoer dude apparently cant do it anymore (bastard).
I have an exam tomorrow too. Science. I'll be fine! I'm good at Science!!
I'm doing well on the exercise everyday front. Btw I have to try hard from the beginning or I just dont do it!
OHOHOH THAT WAS IT!
God I'm like a bloody fish today!
o.o
But yes, Thank you everyone who congradulated me on my ONE STONE WEIGHTLOSS!
:D Made my day even better!
Seriously, I'm enjoying the attention! ^-^
Little sketty attention seeker...
.
I space out too much. And organize EVERYTHING out of place.
Is it weird that I actually stopped my friend working in the middle of a lesson to straighten out her papers? Yes? Oh. Psssh...
OMG I've been drawing! I might have to take pictures of my drawings and upload them onto here, see what you think. Sound good, or am I being a pleb?
.
Yeah, deffinetly a pleb.
.
Guess what my good news is atm?
I only have.. Oh crap *counts* Oh about 4 weeks left of year 10!
*runs around screaming and runs some more after realising if she stops she'll never get up until she has to get dressed for bed*
Oh do be serious Kodi, You didnt get off your fat arse!
No. I didnt. :D
.
Rambling much? XD
Little bit.
OMG I'm answering my own questions!
Whats wrong with me! Oh yeah. My brain dropped out this morning. It went on holiday. To Ibiza. No, just kidding. I sold it on ebay!
On that note...
Probably best I leave, right?
yeah.
I DID IT AGAIN >.<
I love youuu <3
x

New Sense Of Emotion [22]

"I Just Wanna Be Worthy Of Love And Beautiful" This lyric spoke to me, standing out from the entire song. Moments ago, I realised all I am really looking for is the feeling of self-worth. Something I've never had before. Although, Yesterday I felt it. I really felt safe and wanted. It wasn't anywhere special. In fact, it was on the train back from London with Skei.

.

Around 20 to 12, stepping off the platform into the slightly full carriage, I grabbed the first set of free seats that came to my eye. Pulling Skei in next to me, I realised how tired I was, from both the current late night and the previous day's walk. We spoke meaningless nothings, until I nearly passed out.

"Hey, if you're going to sleep, I'd rather you fall asleep on my shoulder rather than the seat." I heard him say sweetly to me. Placing a long arm around me, I began to feel protected. Snuggling into his broad shoulder I dozed, slipping in and out of consciousness. Occasionally awake enough to peck Skei, or to hear him tell me he loves me. He placed his jacket over me, even when I had multiple layers on I was still cold.

.

That was beautiful to me. The incredible tingles I once felt have returned to us.

.

I feel loved.

.

.

We even fell asleep on one another in the car, taking him back home. I want that permanently. To fall asleep and the last thing I see is Skei, and to wake up everyday and he's there. That makes me believe the future might not be so bad. Gives me some kind of hope.

Also gives me hope I will become worthy of that love. I will be perfect for Skei. If not for Skei, then for me. I need this. I know that I will definitely never love me with my body now, so I strive to change that. 'Change is good' as basically anyone in my family tells me mindlessly. Most change is too painful, but this change may be a little painful and a slight sacrifice but it's all worth it.

Unfortunately it was my friend, Bambi's birthday to day and she gave me these cute little rock candies which I inhaled in a matter of minutes. Bad. Very bad. I was planning on a run, then realised I am currently dead from Sundays long walk. I decided to make up for it with a juice and water fast until Friday, or possibly Thursday depending. And I must remember to fit in my exercises. On Saturday I will, WILL, go for a short run and do all my exercises.

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My first hope is that I pass my exams. Mock or not. I took my Practical I.T exam yesterday, I have Functional skills Maths tomorrow and then my Theory I.T on Thursday and some other bunch of exams on Friday, and the week after.

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Corr.

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I really want to collect more sweets and keep them in a jar in my room. They'd be so pretty!

Wow I'm weird.

Oh Well.

Goodbye my sex bombs :D

x

Sundayy... [20]

Sunday..

Riight..

.

Well I've done my exercises for the morning.

20 Push-ups

30 Sit-ups

20 Bicycal Sit-ups

10 Leg lifts [Each side, Lying down]

10 Leg lifts [each side, Standing up]

.

Haven't gone for a run because it looks aweful outside. and I've now got a pair of jeans on [Which I am scared if I take them off, then I might not be able to get them back on..] YES! I MANAGED TO PUT ON AND DO UP A PAIR OF SIZE 10 JEANS!! AHAHAAA RESULT!! I finished cleaning my room too so that should have burnt an extra few calories. Had my vitimins and 'happy pills'. I think they are just making me emotionally numb. Its weird. I cant feel anything emotional right now, not even depression about my dog dieing. I am convinced there is something wrong with me. I haven't heard much from Ana, Syke and G the last couple of days... I think this numbness is suffocating them.

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I've come up with my own bracelet code to do with my weight.

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Weight and shagband code [Coz I have lots of shagbands]

147 lbs + Orange

140-146 lbs Pink

133-139 lbs Green

126-132 lbs Blue

119-125 lbs Purple

112-118 lbs Black

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Obviously at the moment I'm wearing Orange. I have to lose... *Calculates* around 5.5 lbs or 6.5 lbs depending. But thats not too much. I went on a website which told me how long it would take me to get to my goal weight with a spesific calorie deficite. And I can get to 145 lbs in 18 days with a daily calorie deficite of 1000. And to 140 lbs in 1 month 5 days with the same calorie deficite. So all looks good, just need to stay positive!

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Right this one was shorter than usual, since it's just about midday. So I might post later, tell you guys how everything went. Oh, and I'm going to eat 4 bite size pieces of celery to get used to it, coz I read it burns like 40 odd calories? So yesss...

.

Well must be off!

Think BEAUTIFUL!

x

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.

Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.

Balls.

It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.

I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.

I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.

I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.

OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.

I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.

Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.

Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!

Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]

Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!

I can't even wait!

Good Night Beauties

x