Let This New Year Be What I Need To Change For The Better, Let Us Succed.

Ladies, put on your heels. Gentle Men, grab your smart shirts. Every one, pick up your bottles of vodka.

.

Its time to take on the new year.

.

I'm in a far better mood today because its time for a fresh start. It also helps that Skei called this morning after I called his house yesterday afternoon. And that the scales have decided to take pity on me, this last day of 2010 by telling my I'm 145.2.

Score!

.

My cuts stung in the shower this morning but heyo, 2011 is gonna be the year we all need!

.

Along with this post come my New Year Resolutions.

.
-Get down to 9 stone (126 lbs)

-(If I'm not happy or careless) Act happy and careless

-Exercise more often (5 days a week is good)

-Do well in my GCSEs and get into College

-Look fabulous all the time! XD

-Make more friends

-Go out more

-Help suicidal/depressed young people :)

.

What are your resolutions this year??

.

Right well I might start getting ready for this party I'm going to! I have a lot of primping needed. I hope you all have a FANTASTICAL New Year! I wish you all the best in 2011. I do indeed love you all dearly, and love you more if you're a frequent commenter ;)

haha

.

I hope you all get drunk and stupid tonight!

.

I will be ;D

.
'I Can Die From The Dancing' - 3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything

ThinkThinkOverThinkOverThinkBrainOverLoadOverOverLoaaaddddd

Stupid Over Thinking Brain.
Stupid stupid stupid irrational thoughts. Irrational but possible.
.
Skei hasn't been in contact with me in a week. I keep thinking of why, what could have happened, where could he be?
Maybe he's avoiding me, maybe he decided to stay at his Mum's place, maybe he's not allowed on the phone/computer, maybe he's cheated on me, maybe he over dosed on drugs, maybe hes in hospital, maybe he's dead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's going else where for New Year, maybe he's realised I'm not good enough, maybe he met someone better than me, maybe he's gone back to his old ways of drug dealing, maybe he's run away, maybe he doesn't have credit on his new phone, maybe he didn't even get a phone, maybe he got into a car accident on the way home, maybe he's been banned from seeing me, maybe he's been grounded, maybe he's fallen in love with someone else, maybe he couldn't handle me anymore, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
.
I hate this thought process issue. It snowballs, gets bigger and bigger, then turns to self loathing thoughts, then it turns to irrational ideas, then turns to what I would do if any of these where true... I dont want any of them to be true. He'd promised me we would spend this New Year together. If we dont then I cant forgive him. I told him a few months ago, if he hurts me again thats it. He said the same back to me. Obviously I understand that. We're both tired of being hurt. Now he cant seem to even understand why I do the things I do. The week we've been apart made me feel things again, and I was hoping to express them before or at the New Years party. But it doesn't seem like he even wants to ask how my Christmas was because he cant even leave a facebook message asking. I know he's been online when I haven't because KT has been speaking to him. Apparently all he's been doing up at his Mum's is get high. No wonder why I've started cutting again. I'm so fucking anxious. I'm going through pot after pot of black coffee, so much that its starting to make me ill. I feel like I'm going insane! I hate being anxious like this!
.
I cried myself to sleep last night, because I dont know what he's been doing! I dont want to know exactly everything he's done, I just wanna know why he hasn't bothered to contact me after that one phone call. How his Christmas was. What did he get? Did he have a good time with his Mum? I just want to ask him if he's been happy...
.
I've promised myself that I was going to hide all my problems from him again, because he said I've changed. I dont think I've changed. I've always been depressed. I just hid it well from everyone until I finally let someone in. I let him in, I let him know how I'm suffering and I listened to how he was suffering as well. I'm going to hide my cuts and scars, I'm not going to talk about my Eating Disorder, I'm not going to let myself cry around him anymore. Let him see how my mask can cover everything, remind him of my mask. The fact that it only dropped because I trusted him and thought he would accept it... He did, but I think he doesn't get to see the happy me as often as my friends do... I cant help it... I'm too twisted.
.
I wish I had drugs to knock some 'happiness' into me.
.
I feel like I'm disappearing into my previous depression, I knew I needed that counsellor. A month is too long to be with out one.
.
I hope he comes and stops me from loosing my head.
I dont want to feel this right now. Its the final moments of 2010. I dont want to start 2011 on a low. A drunken low. A completely wasted low.
.
'Where did you go when the Sun Rose' - 3OH!3 - Streets Of Gold

Loosing My Head, Feeling It Deep, One More Time, Please Dont Weep...

I'm sorry about my major freak out yesterday.
It was kinda stupid but I'm sure you all know how it feels to work so hard to loose something just to gain it back in a matter of hours.
Thank you to BelleRina and Sarah, you're comments have calmed me for this evening and helped me put down the very odd pasta dinner I've been given.
.
Again. I'm somewhere above 147lbs. I don't want to know, out of honesty. Tomorrow I shall fast, and also on New Years Eve to prevent gross puking issues.
.
I have decided 2011 is a new year. I will have the strength to loose until I am at least 9 stone (126lbs) over 2011. I will stay strong. I will change myself for perfection. I want my final days at my school to be filled with 126 pounds of fat rather than 147. I want people to remember me as thin, and if there's ever a reunion in a few years, I want to be skinnier than any of them could hope to be.
I've developed a fancy for being 7 and a half stone. Its strange, I'm no where near my UGW but I've already ideally lowered it. 105 sounds so fantastic right now. I guess I want someone to care enough to tell me to eat... right now it doesn't feel like there's anyone in my real life who would say that and mean it. Honestly, I hope I reach 18 before I reach 105, because then, no one can do a thing to stop me.
I've taken up cutting again. Last night I got desperate withdrawal symptoms set off by my lard arse scare. I've stolen a knife from the kitchen. Knives are shit cutting tools, I much prefer razors. But right not its all I have. I've come to the conclusion of not telling Skei for once about this stuff. I give up telling him. He doesn't understand. He says I cant have an ED because I'm not diagnosed with it. To be honest, I'm sure a lot of the bloggers in this little ED orientated section of the blogiverse haven't been diagnosed. And he doesn't see any need for me to cut. Why tell him anything anymore? I feel like smacking my head a few times on a hard brick wall.
.
I'm going to change in the New Year. I'm going to try and be a better, happier and somewhat more independent girlfriend. I'm not going to complain about being fat as often as I do, he doesn't see it so why bother. I'm not going to be such a bitch to Skei either, I know I'm a bitch to him and I know he doesn't deserve it. I'm going to loose weight. 24 pounds to be exact. I'm going to go out more, concerts and things of the sort. I'm going to exercise more often. I'm going to do well in my GCSEs and in my college interviews. I'm going to look fabulous every time I leave the house, even if its just for something like grocery shopping with my mum. I'm going to make more friends, attract more guys, be a more interesting person to be around. Most of all. I'm going to stay faithful to Skei. After that stupid drunken accident Skei thinks I'm going to cheat again. I wont. I'm sure of it. I need to change, and 2011 is going to be that year!
.
I'm also going to put some effort into helping depressed a suicidal people my age. I've convinced quite a few people not to commit suicide, so I think I'll put my persuading techniques to good use.
And seriously, if you've got a problem like depression, feel free to email me. I'm happy to help because I know how it feels and I hate knowing that there are people who're feeling the same but aren't talking to people about it. Sometimes its easier to speak to someone online about it because they can hear your situation from a completely different perspective.
.
Anyway. I hope you're all well.
I thank you for being there for me Sarah and BelleRina.
And Wish me luck for changing this coming year.
I send you my love :)
x
.
'I Can Be One Of Those Models Shoving Coke Up Their Noses'-3OH!3 - I Can Do Anything