AhhYouFuggin'FattyFood [29]

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
The weather is niiiiiiiiice. Although a bit hot for my liking. Heat rash and all. But my forearms are already reasonably tanned. Legs? Pale as ever. Stomach? Not allowed out from under the safety of my tops.

Gym currently equals difficulty. Dont go that often, meaning I frazzle out quickly. Except today I've progressed. Managed 15 minutes on the tredmill building up speed, getting close to 7mph. Woo! Except I'm a fuck up in maths. Got a D on my mock test. Shit. Oh well. Fuck me, aye?

I'm obsessed with the first two seasons of Skins. It was better than the new ones. They actually explored issues and not go over board on sex and drugs. And I LOVE Cassie. I can relate to her the most out of the girls, for obvious reasons, and I think she's gorgeous. I wish I looked like her... Or Effy. Shes gorgeous too! I'm totally getting thinspo of those two!

Started ABC tooday. Doing well, so far consumed around 200 calories and going to have a 300 calorie omlette later. It might be less calories because I dont think I could consume a 3 egg spanish omlette... Might be too big. So around 210 cals in that. ltogether 410 calories around abouts today. Wow. I'm only allowed, maximum of 500 calories today and tomorrow then I think its 300 and etc.
But because its varied, I think I'll be able to stick to it better.
Haaa... Watching Skinsa makes me wanna be like Tony. Yanno, get close to people then fuck them up. I'm going to work on that. I know a few people I could fuck up but with others... I'm not sure.
Heyho
Wish me luck on being a bitch to people!
Haha!!
x

Fuck. I'm ILL!! [27]

Urghh. Ill. I hate being ill. Especially this ill when you're on a week fast. So I cant eat anything to make me better. Ahh! And trial exams this week are just a piss take. I want to fall asleep after about 10 minutes of writing. And these friggin' happy pills I take just makes all emotion build up and then explode like a snot bubble. Sorry. That was the best simile I could think of.

Half way through each exam, I give up answering them and put down obviously wrong answers for those I couldn't either answer or understand.

Somethign along the lines of...

excuse me?

you answer it youself

please write it again but in English

and 0.0218736

Beacuse I'm such a genius. HA! Yeah, right.

My fast is going okay. I cant drink just water as I've nearly passed out on several occations in the past two days. So when I get home I offer my Gran a cuppa and make myself coffee. And I'm dieing of no sleep, headaches and hunger. Fuck. I'm thinking of starting the ABC diet next monday, and starting to eat fish again. I obviously dont have enough protine in my system. And I'm craving fish. A weird thing for me to crave really as I never really liked fish too much. But hey, I'll starting eating fish while on my ABC diet and actually eat while tricking my immune system. God. Its been so long since I've eaten 800 cals and not felt guilty. On the ABC diet I can eat 800 cals on certain days! Yey!

I feel uber good generally. I've lost 11 lbs altogether. And now at 149. Sorry if I mentioned it yesterday XD I cant wait until this week is over. I want food. Badly. I have so many meal ideas under 300 calories and they all sound LUSHH!! I want one! I want cereal. I want curry. I want fish and chips! I want dark chocolate! I want Vegetable soup! I want KFC! AHHHH!! I WANT SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD!!

Jesus.

I'm so Fucked.

x

The Boy... [23]

Recently, I have noticed that most of the blogs I read have centred around the topic of Guys. And considering the type of blogs I read, the guys make them fat. I don't have that. Quite the opposite. Being with him makes me realise how i crave perfection in myself, to finally forget that part of my slightly painful childhood. He hasn't quite registered that there's something wrong with me. Not with my eating patterns anyway [even though I have warned him I could be going that way, pretty drastically..]. My moods, on the other hand, he is seriously worried about. especially since no one believes there is anything wrong with me, that I'm making it all up. Making me feel inferior. I hate people who make me feel that way. I prefer to feel powerful, and in control. Having a skinny boyfriend, who has the strength of a pretty muscly guy, makes me feel inferior. I'm not physically good enough for him. Personality? Yes, I'm near enough perfect, well... sort of. I'm not afraid to get dirty. Hence tackling three guys today. Getting one to the ground twice and once my own boyfriend. Could be because I tackled them, Or possibly just my weight. I mentioned this. No one listened. As per usual.

.

Yesterday I was forced into going to my mother's boyfriends house with her and Skei. Yes, forced to eat as well. It wasn't particularly nice either. Ruin my fast for nothing special. Wasn't a very good vegetarian choice either. Basically stir fry and cooked chicken. I was full half way through my bowel and had to endure everyone nibbling and slurping away at their little pieces of chicken. It sickened me and tempted me at the same time. It looked so disgusting, the grease dripping off and the veins sticking out... But it looked so heavenly, beautifully brown and crisp, and the smell! The smell was so alluring. But I was good, I didn't give in. Most meat smells repel me. They honestly disgust me. Especially lamb and veal. Blergh. I think 'the boyfriend' made my mother gain weight. Her at 5'4 and now 12 stone is definitely not a healthy weight. Wouldn't be for me. I would hate being 12 stone. I'm currently at 10 stone 11.5 pounds. I hate it. I couldn't imagine how much I would hate myself if I was that heavy.

.

My muscle training has gone out the window. I've honestly been too tired and stressed to do them but I've done a lot of cardiovascular work this week. I ache. I should have a shower since I was at the gym a little while ago, I just cant bring myself to do it.

.

I've decided, tomorrow is a full fast day. Today I gave into some potato. And Saturday may well be another fast day. I'll weigh myself Saturday night and Sunday morning. Hopefully then, I shall be off my period and be at my normal weight, crossed fingers I've lost some pounds.

.

.

In a way I cant wait to see what I weigh... But then again. What if I'm heavier??

Oh Crap.

x

Failed Fast Day Number 1 [19]

Right. Yes. FAILED.

Started off well. Woke up midday-ish, had a little bit of yogurt. Drank SHIT loads of water. Then I went for a short run with Brandie [my other dog] and picked bluebells on the way back. Researched exercises to do [Found LOADS], Polished off the yogurt, then Dinner rolled round.

Balls.

It wasn't particularly nice either. Cheap thrill.

I'm guessing I ate around 1500 calories :( I will do a PROPER fast tomorrow, Skei is supposed to come round.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll do 20 sit-ups, 20 push-ups and 20 bicycle sit-up things. I did them this morning also. Then midday-ish go for another short run. It was only about 5 minutes but I guess its better than nothing. I have a REALLY bad cardiovascular system. I'm shit at running. I was puffed out after that run this morning but pushed myself to get to my back door before stopping, I ran out my backdoor, round a little pathway thing then stopped to pick flowers then ran back home. Tomorrow I'm gonna aim to run half the perimeter of the near by fields before returning. Hopefully I can do it without stopping. I'll time it too.

I quite like the band 'Too Sorry For Apologies' The Vocalist's voice is so sweet, I don't know what it is but I love voices like that! They have a really nice calming affect on me. I've found a lot of songs that describe how I feel as well. It's really nice hearing it in words. Since I can barley put it in words, ever. Except the odd songs I write.

I've been cleaning up today too. I can now actually see my bedroom floor again! [Corr] and I made everyone a cup of tea, except myself. And I probably should finish cleaning up tomorrow morning before Skei gets here, Just chuck it all in a box and push it in my cupboard.

OHOHOH! I've found exercises to make my bum and thighs smaller! So after so-long I can fit into that size 10 dress! WOO! I'll do those tomorrow too! I've also come up with a list of exercise activities to find a class for, like Tai Chi, Karate, Yoga, Circuit Training ect.

I'll look them up later on my gym's time table, see if they have those classes, and find a friend or two to go with me... Best if I get a few different ones for each thing or they might think I'm over doing it.

Oh AAAAANNDDDD!! I think I may have lost half a pound already :D I weighed myself before my shower and it said 10 st 11.5 lbs! That's after my eating as well!! AHH!! But I cant weigh myself for a good week, coz when you're on your period you're like 2 pounds heavier? So I'll wait until next weekend.

Omg. There's like no classes at my gym for my age! I wanted to try stuff like Boxercise and Yoga but They're all 16+ [Bastard 15 years I have..] so I'm stuck with spinning class and circuits. Or pilates but I tried it once and HATED IT!! I don't have the muscles for it. Might look into finding a new dance class, since I quit mine... Maybe street dance. I dislike most dance, specially Jazz. I guess I'll just try to get to the gym more. Do my own thing as my mum does similar but with less 'Oomph' and watching 'oops TV'. While I just take in the atmosphere. And and fit guys around my age... C'mon, Isn't that what gyms are partly for? Ha!

Oh Google, I do love thee. Google is always there for me when no one else is. It tells me everything I want to know. Like ideal body measurements. 36"-26"-36". Well. I haope for a smaller version. Maybe 26" Waist, 30" hips, 36/38" Bust. Maybe. If I ever get there, If I dont like it, Ill change it. Right now to get to that measurement I need to lose 5 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my bust. I'm at the ideal hip measurement though, probably because I'm 'apple' shaped, therefor, Man shaped. [Fantastic I know..]

Okay now that I've Googled a load of ideal measurements, weights and bmi's I have realised how much I want this. I really [and I am not kidding] want this. I really want to be thin. With a low BMI, small waist, and a light weight. I want to be stared at by everyone in admiration. When I'm walking down the street, catching people glancing at me, girls bitching because I'm thinner than them, guys checking me out because they think I'm gorgeous. Having to turn down dates because I'm taken... God! What a great life that would be!

I can't even wait!

Good Night Beauties

x

*Sigh* [18]

First of all today, I am currently watching America's Nect Top Model. Always makes me more detremined.

Second. I sould stop drinking juice for a while. Because I've had it so much recently I have a pretty bad stomach and probably washed out all the crap inside me by now. So I'll stick to water again.

Third. Just calculated I'm 152 pounds! (VICTORY IS NEAR) I'm so happy I've lost 8 pounds, although I still want to lose more. Also today I've eaten around 400-500 calories. Meh. I'll get stricter. Done my 20 push ups today aswell.

Been carrying on with my wall thinspo and writing more in my diet booklet. I need to decide on what other exercise to do. Any suggestions?

I LOVELOVELOVE having a converter on my phone! So I can specially change my weight from stones to pounds, its increadible. I love it. Its so fun! AHAHA!!

Oh wow... My BMI is 23.8! I swear before I was 26.something! WOO!! Ha! I'm quite happy now.

Although I still want to lose 26 pounds. I hate being Nearly 11 stone. I'm such a perfectonist and so analytical now! Its insane! I swear English has set this off as I've have to analyse everything that passes my reading grip. Shows I can be determined when I want to be. Specially since no one listens or supports me. They can all die in Hell for all I care now. They want me to be fat, obviously. Not gonna happen.

I'm having really bad cravings. For chicken (Though I've been a vegetarian for nearly a year) and Spicy things, yet I cant face eating a vegetarian curry (large portion as my mum always puts on my plate) with white rice. I might ask to change it to the healthier rice, then hav a small bit of curry. Ohhhh lush!

Tomorrow I'm planning a jog. Then on my return to pick flowers to make everyone at home think I'm in a good mood. Paha!

Shall be watching embarrasing bodies XD God some of the stuff on there is actually GROSS with all capital letters.You know, its shocking how many times I've gotten up to pee whilst writing this blog! Thanks to all the water I'm consuming! Freezing cold water too (woo! Burning calories).

I'm also going to try and help out my Gran some more (She's just has a hip replacement so can't do much.) as I helped her once and she gave me a fiver (Result!) and I need some mroe money. It just makes me feel more secure for some reason. Ah, back to my issue about control! Everything I do seems to revolve around my lack of control and finding ways to get some kind of control. God, I'm even self analytical of both my physical appearance and of whats going on inside my head. The underlying issues. I think too much, thats why!

Ahh should get to sleep sometime soon...

Nothing else to say for the moment either

Except

MY STOMACHS STILL GRUMBLING!

baii :)

x

Ahh I Know Double Post.. [17]

Right Several Things.

My stomach officially HATES fast food.
It reacts badly to Yogurt and Apple juice in one day.
And I missed my cervical cancer jab today thanks to my shitty school not telling our parents when they are!! Now my Mum has to sort out me getting it done privately. FFS!

The schools in my area are SHIT!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuckk!!


Just weighed myself :/ 11 stone. Probably coz of the cereal and huge juice consumption of today. I'll fast until dinner tomorrow and have something small for dinner and more water and juice.

I've started on my wall Thinspo, Looking through old magazines and taring out the skinny models and whatnot. Looks pretty good to me. Might take a picture for you all when it's done :D

and whilst going through those magazines I've tared out all the diets and exercise plans out and going to decide what I can actually manage and when I'll do them. Also listening to a Dance Music Channel coz there's nothing else on.

Ahh.. Weekend Fast.

Since last weekend's didn't go too well, and I haven't exactly stuck to my diet since last Friday, I really need to be determined for the next three days. I need to just keep thinking, 'avoid that fatty food and be closer to perfection'... *sigh* I want to be perfect SOO BADLY. It seems no one wants me to be perfect or happy. Everyone [Including my Gran] say I don't need to lose weight, although quite obviously I do. There's been one little nagging feeling recently. 'What If I'm Not Happy Once I'm Skinny??' But I'm ignoring it. Even counteracting it by coming up with 10 reasons why I want to be thin. Fantastic Aye?

Tasks For Tomorrow:
Carry On Thinspo Wall
Look Through The Ripped Magazine Pages And Decide Exercise Shizz
Not Eat. Lol.
Pick More Flowers.
Probably more...

I'll think about it tomorrow.
I might research Kate Moss' diets. Just coz I like Kate Moss. I think shes gorgeous.

If you saw my stack of old magazines, you'd have a real job on your hands. OH I'll do that tomorrow too! Go through more magazines! Corr, Keep me going until Saturday. All through If I have Loads Of Distractions.

Ugh. I don't want to go to Diploma tomorrow. Its all paperwork bollocks. I'm glad I didn't go to school most the week. Skei got suspended yesterday so I didn't really want to be at school when he was at home. He's also moving out of his family's house today. Moving into a friend's house. He cant stand his family anymore, must say I don't like them much myself... One, They think I'm a slut. Two, his Gran Shouted at us the first time I was over. Shoot. Me.

My stomachs still upset from the shitty yogurt. It was gross I must admit. I think I'll stick to my coco nut one. Healthier and tastes better.

I am going on quite a bit aren't I? Oh well! Ahahahaa!
Uhh, well I guess I better get on.

Until Tomorrow Sex Machines! (Ha!)
x

New Set Of Determination [16]

Right, New Determination.

This Month I hope to lose 5 pounds at LEAST!

Since I haven't been to school most the week, I need to start doing more. Its just I'm a lazy bitch and turned down going to the gym this week because I was too depressed. Next week I shall see if Mum wants to go to the gym or not, and in time of Nothing-To-Do I should do sit ups. I haven't done them in a while. Haven't watched t.v in a while either. Also I want to go and pick somemore flowers, make the house smell nice and all that.

I need to stick to my diet again. Shall start that tomorrow and not eat anything else today. Not even hungry at the moment.

I should clean my room... The most I need to do is put some clothes away, some in the washing and put my school books away. And some magazines too.
Theres something I can do tomorrow. Get out all the exercise and diet pages and put them somewhere, like in a folder or on the wall. Or make a huge thinspo on my wall.

Yeahh...

Sounds like fun.
I need to get a bin to put all the random paper thats lying around to recycle. I'll Do that in a second.

Right Thats About All Todayy

Bye All :)
x

i know i know [3]

yess i forgot to post yesterday!

but i did weigh myself. im back to 10 stone 13 pounds! WOOHOO! :D

im doing well today on my diet, although my stomach is growling like crazy!! i would hav drank more water but it tasted rank :/ so i didnt. i need to get a filter.. it might taste better then.

walked home from the bus stop too :) its a lovely day actually :) i want to go out in it but i hav homework -.- bastard teachers.
i kept twiching and fidgeting today, burning even more calories! i didnt even eat my whole apple! Skei and Scam wanted some so i didnt even eat an apples worth of calories and now im slowly munching on cucumber :) im such a good girl! :D hopefylly by the end of the week i will have lost even more weight!! <3 PLEASE!! i dont like being nearly 11 stone -.- better than 11 stone 6 pounds i guess :/ like i was before i started losing weight. after this week i might do a week fast with my friend Hans. just reli to see if we can do it.

hoping by the end of all my dieting ill get to like 8 and a half stone?? id still be in the healthy bmi section aswell so WHOOPEYY! but thats IF i can get there..

well wish me luck!! :D
love x