I've been having these revelations. If I do not shift this weight soon, I may never be rid of it.
Last night I had a Halloween party and I spent some time around 2 hours crying about my vanity. A whole inner (and possibly outer) lecture of self-loathing, pouring through the strained seems of my t-shirt.
You're so ugly. Why do you bother? Even player Jack wouldn't sleep with you. What's wrong with you? Everything. You're so fat, you need to lose weight. Get rid of those stretch marks. Those jiggling thighs. Your massive cake shelf. Then people will love you. Your friends don't care...
And somehow, Zane managed to talk me to sleep, safe in the comfort of his arms.
Now I see it.
Everything I do is an act. I'm a performer 24/7. I'm more real in a drama exercise than I am with my friends. I'm losing trust. Again. I'm being over powered by my work, by my new classmates' beauty... by the guys who'll never want me. One in particular. Sexy Josh. I've met him once, and fell head over heels in love with his absolute awesomeness. Trying every way possible to see him again, to talk to him. And above all, he talks to me like I'm a real human being, as if I'm just a girl and he's just a guy. Not as if I'm some Man-ish dike with belly rolls and he's some gorgeous rockstar with out an inch of imperfection on him.
More to the point.
I'm back. For good. I need to control my life again. With all these beautiful Drama, Dance and Photography students around me... I look like a dog left out in the rain. I am dedicated. I miss the ways of the devil incarnate. The hunger pangs, the feeling of pure strength and weightlessness.
I am ready to become a Perfect Girl.
"You've already Failed Once, don't Fail again!" - Downsize me