Thursday 13 January 2011

Starve Binge REPEAT, Starve Binge REPEATE, NO MORE! NO MORE!

I think I have a weight loss WALL.
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Soon as I reach 145. I loose all control. Well After today (where I have consumed and uncomfortable amount of brown bread...) I will not do that. I've invested no money in Thinspirational songs (meaning I've been naughty and downloaded shit from youtube...), I am investing in an exercise ball to get used to, and Prom is closing in. I can not be this fat for Prom. I may have to kill myself if I am.
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I'm also sorry I haven't been on too often. Been drowning in homework and trying to sleep. Neither are really getting done. I've also been compulsively cutting myself. I'm not sure why I am doing this, but I am. My right thigh has a pretty reasonable amount of cuts, all that have bleed. And sting in the shower. I guess right now I want to feel the pain of it. No one has a clue. Its kind of exciting in a twisted 'I'm-a-psycho-self-harmer' sort of way. I feel it all day rubbing on my school trousers, gives me something to think of when I change for P.E. I guess I needed something to distract me from exams. Relieve stress maybe? Either way.
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I feel like a lunatic sitting in my room, on the laptop with my hair in these weird curler thingys. I've just had a shower, and am trying things out for prom. This is idea number one. Fuck knows how its gonna turn out. Hopefully nice. Other wise I'll have to think of other shit.
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I may have to ask Skei again to buy me diet pills. I'm also not going to Ted's party this fat. I'm disgusting. Once my stomach has settled down I'm doing some exercise before I finish off my Diploma homework. Fml. So much effort just dong this shit. I might procrastinate more by looking for more thinspo music for mon Ipoddy. Yeah, I'll do that.
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Right this is the final straw. No food what so ever. Only green tea and water. Seeing as everything else I have sets me off on a huge 'I WANT BREAD' binge. All I wanna eat is bread. Why is that!? Bread and pasta. Argh! Why cant I want celery! Or just not want ANYTHING! But anyway. I'm not eating ever again. I hate being uncomfortably full like this. Ergh.
This post is a bit rambly as well. I'm sorry my posting is getting shitter. I'm trying to save time. And get it all out in a non-purge way. Okay, maybe a purge way. I've found my laxatives so I'm about to have a little laxative party in my belly!
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Oh my Lord, My heads not right.
Lack of Sleep.
Turrah.
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'I Am Small' - Sia - Breathe Me
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Oh yeah, I also hate my family. Jus' Saying.
x

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