And We Go Roud In Circles... Just One Last Time We Decide To Change...

Hello again.

I have a mega humongous update of a post coming your way.

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First, I just wanna say I was going to post last weekend. But my computer went up the spazzer and I just couldn't be arsed to fix it.

And Thank you to those of you who commented my last post, I only read them today but it made me feel better about posting now. I love you all, really, and I hope some day we all get what we want.

Oh and Peri. I'm not Scottish XD I'm English, but they're both the UK. haha x

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First starting with my shopping trip. Brilliant. I bought 4 books, 2 manga I'd never seen before but though I'd like to read and 2 follow on books from the 'House Of Night' series. Its about vampires and whotnot.

I then got to Boots. I FINALLY BOUGHT MYSELF SOME DIET PILLS!! RESULT! And they are helping me lose a little quicker. Okay a lot quicker.

I also treated myself to a small gingerbread latte from Costa. Mmmm...

My mum was with her boyfriends family sorting out his grans place because she died recently. I picked up about 50 silk scarves and a bog wooden box to put stuff in. Its great, my diet pills live in there along with my lighters.

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I had a college interview on Wednesday. Fuuuuuck my life I have an audition for the Performing Arts BTEC I wanna do in March... But I cant find a decent monologue. Help?

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And one of the biggest pieces if new I have. Thursday. Be and Skei finally ended it. Dont get me wrong, I am a little sad that what we had has ended, but I refuse to cry. I've cried too much for him over the nearly a year and a half we were together. He's my friend with occasional benefits though haha! We're staying friends, and if he hasn't got a girlfriend by prom, I think I might go with him. Our relationship just didn't work. Too much stress on a couple if teenagers.

Now I'm on the rebound. I might just become a slut on a whoring spree. Pfft. Like any one's gonna want me anyway.

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Friday evening I went round Rhii's house. I stayed over, hence the weird time I'm typing (6.49am). Because I had about half an hours sleep at hers. We talked about everything, watched girly films, ate pasta and the BEST chocolate fudge cake I've eaten in GOD KNOWS how long... and loads of popcorn haha.

Rhii's older brother came home from work at around 11, and join us watching WildChild and 17 Again. Funniest thing XD He's not bad looking, specially with his shirt off... But I didn't go all jelloid and he's off limits. My morals. Never go out with a friends brother unless your friend is okay with it. And Rhii thinks its weird and kinda harsh if a friend of hers started dating her brother.

I complained to her in the early hours of the morning when she kept dozing off to give me her friends number so I could text someone while she slept.

I had a VERY long conversation with him. Random too. The basics of the conversation: sex, threesomes, virginity, boyfriends/girlfriends, what we thought of each other, dream girl/guy, dream job. It was great! I'm keeping those texts and currently thinking of a name to give him. I met him back in November so its not just a random text to one of Rhii's friends.

Well it kinda was.

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So I got home at 3pm. Had a shower. Ate loads. Went upstairs to read. Fell asleep. Woke up at half 5.

3 text messages.

My Gran asking if I wanted a jacket potato.

KT saying she wants to meet up in half term.

My Dad telling me he's engaged.

WHAT!

Hm. Well. I guess I'll text him when it gets to a normal time. And my Dad said he was never gonna get married again. Too much fuss, too much money.

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Well, there's my update.

I did get up to 158lbs at one point. Now I think I'm 154 ish? I weighed myself before my shower.

I will be thin. Especially now thanks to my diet pills.

Now I'm going to take some more sleeping pills after a piece of toast, and snooze a bit longer.

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Weirdly enough.

Life is good!

Even though my basoomas are still the size of UFOs.
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I love you all, be happy, fuck love.
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(I nearly crapped myself because I thought I lost my post! Phew!)
x

Let Me Feel The Rain, Drop On My Face, Splash On My Gasses, Soak My Shoes...

Its Been Raining...
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Not heavily, but its still raining. I don't mind really. As long as I have a hood big enough to shield my head and my glasses then I'm fine. Even though my school shoes have holes in them and get soaked just by walking on mildly wet floor.
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Yesterday I managed to survive on 16 calories from 2 coffees. Today I've bulked up to 583 through a large pot of soup and half a large pot of yogurt (which I classify as a liquid in my world). I was going to weigh myself this morning but it was freezing. Still is but lucky me has a fire in her room so it feels like I'm on holiday. I think I'm going to bust out my usual exercise programme for daily activity at home. Specially after nearly 600 calories, although they were all reasonable and liquid. I kinda needed to have something more than water and coffee because I felt terrible this morning, like I was going to be sick and when I ate my soup my Gran commented on how its 'good to see me eating' because I went with out yesterday, blamed on the cold. So I feel better and have my Gran off my back for another few more days. Tomorrow is another day on coffee alone, then Friday I'll have the second half of the big tub of yogurt (318) after school.
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I guess I'll be searching for my work out list in a bit and filling in my little food diary booklet on what I've eaten, how many calories and what exercise. Yeah, I've started that this year, even though I'm useless with that shit.
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I'm in need of motivation. I'm lacking because of my shite sleep.
I wanna sleep but I have things to do.
As usual.
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"Weeks Since I've Seen Her Eat" - Too Sorry For Apologies - Breathe

ThinkThinkOverThinkOverThinkBrainOverLoadOverOverLoaaaddddd

Stupid Over Thinking Brain.
Stupid stupid stupid irrational thoughts. Irrational but possible.
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Skei hasn't been in contact with me in a week. I keep thinking of why, what could have happened, where could he be?
Maybe he's avoiding me, maybe he decided to stay at his Mum's place, maybe he's not allowed on the phone/computer, maybe he's cheated on me, maybe he over dosed on drugs, maybe hes in hospital, maybe he's dead, maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's going else where for New Year, maybe he's realised I'm not good enough, maybe he met someone better than me, maybe he's gone back to his old ways of drug dealing, maybe he's run away, maybe he doesn't have credit on his new phone, maybe he didn't even get a phone, maybe he got into a car accident on the way home, maybe he's been banned from seeing me, maybe he's been grounded, maybe he's fallen in love with someone else, maybe he couldn't handle me anymore, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
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I hate this thought process issue. It snowballs, gets bigger and bigger, then turns to self loathing thoughts, then it turns to irrational ideas, then turns to what I would do if any of these where true... I dont want any of them to be true. He'd promised me we would spend this New Year together. If we dont then I cant forgive him. I told him a few months ago, if he hurts me again thats it. He said the same back to me. Obviously I understand that. We're both tired of being hurt. Now he cant seem to even understand why I do the things I do. The week we've been apart made me feel things again, and I was hoping to express them before or at the New Years party. But it doesn't seem like he even wants to ask how my Christmas was because he cant even leave a facebook message asking. I know he's been online when I haven't because KT has been speaking to him. Apparently all he's been doing up at his Mum's is get high. No wonder why I've started cutting again. I'm so fucking anxious. I'm going through pot after pot of black coffee, so much that its starting to make me ill. I feel like I'm going insane! I hate being anxious like this!
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I cried myself to sleep last night, because I dont know what he's been doing! I dont want to know exactly everything he's done, I just wanna know why he hasn't bothered to contact me after that one phone call. How his Christmas was. What did he get? Did he have a good time with his Mum? I just want to ask him if he's been happy...
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I've promised myself that I was going to hide all my problems from him again, because he said I've changed. I dont think I've changed. I've always been depressed. I just hid it well from everyone until I finally let someone in. I let him in, I let him know how I'm suffering and I listened to how he was suffering as well. I'm going to hide my cuts and scars, I'm not going to talk about my Eating Disorder, I'm not going to let myself cry around him anymore. Let him see how my mask can cover everything, remind him of my mask. The fact that it only dropped because I trusted him and thought he would accept it... He did, but I think he doesn't get to see the happy me as often as my friends do... I cant help it... I'm too twisted.
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I wish I had drugs to knock some 'happiness' into me.
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I feel like I'm disappearing into my previous depression, I knew I needed that counsellor. A month is too long to be with out one.
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I hope he comes and stops me from loosing my head.
I dont want to feel this right now. Its the final moments of 2010. I dont want to start 2011 on a low. A drunken low. A completely wasted low.
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'Where did you go when the Sun Rose' - 3OH!3 - Streets Of Gold